Day 58 : Fear - silent assassin

                Lot of times, I do not noticed I acted on fear, or spoke within and through fear, or I even do not noticed I lived and live in fear, or I misplaced anxiety for hunger, or various energy experiences as cool and worth to live, but by paradox, everything energy based has one platform – Fear.

                I was born into a fear and I became the fear and I thought myself that this fear is what makes me alive. I became blind towards my own fears and I stop recognized over time in my life, that everything I do is back-up as fear within me, as energy and my self definition to this energy, when I even was not able to see that it is simply fear.

                In my life, I manipulated in absolute blindness of me towards events and situations, where I experienced fear and was not able to see it is fear, fears from past, fears projected into a future, lived bound and enslaved in my own creation of fear, in polarity of mind, in constant turmoil of myself, of torture with fear, towards everything and everybody, and over time, I even start to give up my fears, as this fears I started to call life.

                It is time to realize for everybody, that fear do not serve us for nothing, that fear is deception of ourselves we live in, it is time to see beyond and stop to live the fears, as it is no living, but slow dying, and slow killing inn front of our own creation, of our own assassin – called Fear.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to define myself towards two points within me as polarity of the mind, where I split myself into two parts, two separated points as superiority/inferiority, good/bad, beauty/ugly and define myself towards this points and imprison myself in self definition towards this points through competing, desires, need and wants as manifested desires to live myself and live my life, to define myself as who I am according two separated points and live in constant turmoil of myself between good and bad, superior and inferior, less then and more then, where I allowed to live in friction of myself as thus generate energy within and as me and think and believe that this energy experiences are experiences of myself, that this energy is what I need, that this energy as a friction created within me is me living me, instead of realizing that simply I lived and live as a system, as a robot, as a death shadow of memories I lived in fear, and thus project my fears into a future, into myself and live bound and enslaved in my own fear, in my own prison I created for myself where I thought and believed that this prison is all what I am, that I need this prison to enslave me, to fear to break through the prison of my own fears and stand up within and as me , to stand up absolute and live me, value me as a life, as the only value which exist in existence, and thus value existence as me, as equal and one, as life, as breath as who I am as living being here on earth.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that thanks the fear I will be able to live and move myself accordingly within this world, instead of seeing and realizing that fear enslave, control, and manipulate and that I lived and live in constant control, manipulation of myself and enslavement of myself through allowance of living in fear as energy experience where I think and believe that this energy is me living me, where I defined myself towards energy as fear, where I placed myself as a slave of the fear and slave of the mind just for the sake of generating the energy as fear, and to move myself, to speak myself, to voice myself only in and as a fear as my own prison of me, where I do not allowed and accepted to myself to free myself and unlock myself form my own fear, anxieties and anger and nervousness.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that fear as a energy is that what moves me, what makes me to progress and what makes me to live, instead of seeing and realizing that within this I did not moved myself, that I did not expanded myself, that I did not lived myself but just a program and script as a fear, as a energy I became addicted onto, and thus I fear to give up my own absolute addiction, which is living in and as fear.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to became addict on fear, became just a reflection or my past fears and living zombie as fear, as my own prison and my own judgment of me, where I do not allowed and accepted to myself to free myself and liberate myself from my own prison of the mind, of energy and thoughts, believes, projections, ideas and simply live here, equal and one with me body, as breath, as living being honoring life, honoring each moment as only one moment is real and only one moments exist as all as existence as me.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that I can not exist without fear, that I cannot free myself, that I am too week and to scared to unlock my potential, to unlock the life and free life as who I am, to make myself free from bounds of living in the past.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that I can selectively decide what I will live and how, instead of taking self responsibility for myself, to stand up within and as me, in me, as all as one and take absolute responsibility for myself, take absolute stand within and as me, to do not allowing and accepting anything less than life, as only life is only value which exist and thus life can’t be raped, can’t be laughed on, abused and killed, as only life is what I am thus I have to take stand within and as me and live life as me, to accept life as me, to live me as me as who I am as life, as breath here.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 54 : Fear of disappointment – Fear of betrayal

                As a young boy my father was my god and I was looking upon my god, as a pattern as a representative of male which I would like to follow, which I would like to be like him, as many times I liked him. I thought that how he behave is right, and that me as a male should behave the same way.

                I placed my trust to his words, I placed my trust to his behavior, I placed my trust to him, into him, I trusted him the way as child can trust to parents that parents love their child, want to help to child and want the best for a child, protect, and help.

                Once day, when my eyes turned wrong and I needed eyeglasses, I was with my mother to search for some eyeglasses, as I really needed them as I was not able to function without this device, and when we came home, we said to father that we found some and how much it costs.

                At my surprise, my father said, that he will not pay such money for eyeglasses, and by paradox it was maybe most cheapest one they had.

                I felt betrayed, I felt very disappointed, I was shocked by this answer, the trust he had this trust evaporated within me and just shock, sorrow, and fear remained within me at the moment.

                I could not understand how come he said something like this, just sorrow within me resonate and the trust as a trust died within me.

                I see, that because of various moments I experienced as a child, the trust I was able to place to others slowly but surely simply died. No trust remained within me in others, no trust in myself and for myself. Thus I became absolutely not trustworthy persona, as I became to fear of being disappointment – Fear of being betrayed by others.

                Thus I betrayed myself and thus I betrayed others. I do not trust others anymore, and thus I start to hide, as I started to live the fear of being betrayed. Thus I never wanted to trust anyone, I even was not able to trust myself. How could I, if I was not able recognize the trust in me, trust in myself, and trust others.

                As a trust in me died, and trusts in others, the trust in myself has been reborn.

                Here.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that I can be betrayed or disappointed.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear of being betrayed and fear of being disappointed.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to feel sorrow, pain and regret as a energy experience and think and believe that this energy experience is real experience of myself, instead of realizing that this experience is of the mind and I am not the mind.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to betray myself and to disappoint myself.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that because I betrayed myself thus I am unworthy to live and unworthy to live myself and my life, and that I have to remain live in pain, regret and sorrow till the end of days.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to live myself as a fear of being betrayed and thus diminish my living just for waiting on my death as a point be being saved from my own accepted and allowed living in fear, pain and sorrow.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that betrayal and disappointment exist, as a point of me separated from myself and thus through separation allowed and accepted lies and betrayal.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to speak as a fear of being betrayed and disappointed and thus rather remain silent.

I commit myself to trust myself.

Thanks, Juraj

Me and water – silent

                Some time ago, I was swimming at the lake, not too much, maybe just almost to the middle of the lake. I decided to go back, and as my condition is questionable I became little bit tired so I turn on my back and slowed down.

                Just only tiny movements I did, focusing on my breathing, on my tiny movements, in water, silent.  In that moment, there was nothing within me, just me and water. I felt nothing, no pain and no fear, no desires and no memories, no projections and no expectations, noting within me and I enjoyed the silence of me. My mind was silent, me breathing.

                In that moment, I was safe, it was like experience safety, like nothing can happen to me and nothing can harm me, nothing can move me, within me, and I enjoyed this moments.

                I would like to experience myself without anything within me each moment, as I was, it was just me and water.

Thanks, Juraj