Day 56 : I love you – Ultimate deception

                When one says these words: I love you – One is actually saying: I love positive energy I can get from you and generate within me, I am addicted on this energy and I need this energy, I am so selfish and egoistic that I do not care who you are, what you are, what you lived and why, I have no idea who I am and what I became and why, I just need this energy, and I need you to behave the way I can get this energy from you, because I am shitty scared to see into me as what I became, I am so shitty scared to see demons within me living as me, I am so scared that I will not want to see all this shits I am within and as me, as I need to cover this all just with this positive energy I call love, and I have no problem to deceive you this way as I really do not care about you, and until I will be able to get this energy from you, I will speak this words to you, but when this will deplete within me, I will say you good bye and farewell ,as you will not serve me for nothing, and I will just say it is no more love – but within this I will remain blind towards fears I experience, anxieties,  and anger which I live day by day, but showing just this smiley cute face to word outside.

                Time to stop deceive.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 54 : Fear of disappointment – Fear of betrayal

                As a young boy my father was my god and I was looking upon my god, as a pattern as a representative of male which I would like to follow, which I would like to be like him, as many times I liked him. I thought that how he behave is right, and that me as a male should behave the same way.

                I placed my trust to his words, I placed my trust to his behavior, I placed my trust to him, into him, I trusted him the way as child can trust to parents that parents love their child, want to help to child and want the best for a child, protect, and help.

                Once day, when my eyes turned wrong and I needed eyeglasses, I was with my mother to search for some eyeglasses, as I really needed them as I was not able to function without this device, and when we came home, we said to father that we found some and how much it costs.

                At my surprise, my father said, that he will not pay such money for eyeglasses, and by paradox it was maybe most cheapest one they had.

                I felt betrayed, I felt very disappointed, I was shocked by this answer, the trust he had this trust evaporated within me and just shock, sorrow, and fear remained within me at the moment.

                I could not understand how come he said something like this, just sorrow within me resonate and the trust as a trust died within me.

                I see, that because of various moments I experienced as a child, the trust I was able to place to others slowly but surely simply died. No trust remained within me in others, no trust in myself and for myself. Thus I became absolutely not trustworthy persona, as I became to fear of being disappointment – Fear of being betrayed by others.

                Thus I betrayed myself and thus I betrayed others. I do not trust others anymore, and thus I start to hide, as I started to live the fear of being betrayed. Thus I never wanted to trust anyone, I even was not able to trust myself. How could I, if I was not able recognize the trust in me, trust in myself, and trust others.

                As a trust in me died, and trusts in others, the trust in myself has been reborn.

                Here.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that I can be betrayed or disappointed.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear of being betrayed and fear of being disappointed.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to feel sorrow, pain and regret as a energy experience and think and believe that this energy experience is real experience of myself, instead of realizing that this experience is of the mind and I am not the mind.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to betray myself and to disappoint myself.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that because I betrayed myself thus I am unworthy to live and unworthy to live myself and my life, and that I have to remain live in pain, regret and sorrow till the end of days.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to live myself as a fear of being betrayed and thus diminish my living just for waiting on my death as a point be being saved from my own accepted and allowed living in fear, pain and sorrow.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that betrayal and disappointment exist, as a point of me separated from myself and thus through separation allowed and accepted lies and betrayal.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to speak as a fear of being betrayed and disappointed and thus rather remain silent.

I commit myself to trust myself.

Thanks, Juraj

Knowledge & Information

          I like to be informed, I like to have knowledge, to know and to be informed what is going on. To know how things work and how things operate, this gives me advantage. Advantage from perspective I am not blind, I do not need to doubt, I do not need to speculate about things, I see.

          I am the one eye king in the ocean of blindness. This means I see as the eye search within me, the mind of me do not like things I know.

          I used to take immense amount of knowledge and information in the past and blindly believed in it, the mantra of conspiracies and the lies hidden within it. I used to speculate and I used to imagine, based on stuff I heard and things I read. Nothing is the way I used to think before.

          In-form and the know-ledge, the limitation of the mind shown in those words be itself, the ledge of things I know, in which form I absorb and which form and value I shape this within me, what I connect and what I attach to those words, written, spoken, shared, as knowledge and information.

          Do I see? I see the mountain of useless information within me, most of them was lies. How I can be sure those things are valid and true, If I have no chance to prove that what was written by someone is true?

Who wrote that stuff, and why that stuff has been written? In news, magazines, on web, books and novels, in school books, zillions of words and sentences everywhere produced, with the mind infinity could last to read through it. Garbage. No need to read it and no need to worry. Everything everywhere the same shit, the same lies, the same deception and the same garbage.

It took me years to realize this, and it is simple, let’s have a look what is written? Who write about equality, who live that equality? How to live equality?

I see that if I look as the mind I am blind, I see that If I search as the mind I found no answers, I see that If I live as the mind I deny the obvious, with the knowledge and information I am able to deceive myself and do not want the reality to be the way as it is, because within my mind I want reality to be according my perception and my will, according that what I know.

But let’s stop for a moment, what do I see? What Is here? The reality, the only one real reality, which is real is here. What’s not here is mind, mind even have no idea what means to be here, those zillions of information are just distractions of the mind, and mind is never here.

Thanks, Juraj