Day 155 : Fear of future – Anxiety terror

                Many years ago, I placed myself into a situation where fear of future, as a projection of no ability to pay for stuff I had to pay took place, and I experienced anxiety within me, terrorizing myself with this experience and over some period of time, this anxiety has been suppressed within me as I had no idea how to resolve that, how come I experienced such negative emotion, how I created it, what was the cause, what directed me, why and who I was within such situation.

                After such experience, this fear of future, as anxiety as projection remained ingrained within me, and therefore part of me, me living with this anxiety even not noticing this, as I suppressed this. This was maybe 15 years ago. I blamed myself, I judged myself.

                As years start to passing, I was living the “ordinary life” from certain perspective, in meaning, living as energetic robot exactly the same way as all do, as I thought this is the way life should be.

But this projection, this fear of future, this experience of anxiety, and my self definition to this anxiety  as energetic experience I lived and this hunted me, I hunted the anxiety, I hunted myself to experience anxiety, as possibly this was the strongest energetic experience within me connected to money and my self responsibility, where I throw away responsibility for myself in this point because of hope for the best, as I even was still aware where this lack of responsibility could lead me. I do not wanted to confront myself with this point, I do not wanted to see this point, and this point was crucial for me to solve, but I didn’t, as the anxiety as fear of future I lived and became it.

As years passed, this experience of anxiety, very specific as a point of projection to the future as a fear and worry that I will have no money to pay for that what I have to, took place many times, as my lack of handling money because of vast amount of points within me connected to this experience of anxiety, I was not able to see what and why I am doing by any means, because the amount of layers, connections and points related to this was really massive.

After certain period, I started to realize, that I have a big problem with this, that this controls me extensively, but the real question why, was many years not understood and seen. As I started to solve this point, and wanted to solve this, I fall to stood it so many times, that I started to think and believe that I am not possibly able to stand this point, and thus I have to remain fallen forever. But this is not so.

After accumulated anxiety, stress and nervousness I created within me, became by paradox the terror of me by me, because I became addicted to this energy experience, I became thirsty for this energy, even I saw what I do, how and where this can lead me, but I was no able to hear any advices, any suggestions, and I almost always did the opposite of the suggestions I got for this point, because the energy as anxiety created by me, me defined to this energy became my living, my precious energy, my precious fear of the future, my loving one I became, my love of this energy.

Yes, I loved my fear, I loved my anxiety, I loved this energy as I created positive perception, positive seeing of this energy, because of sense of experiencing something, thus in believe I live, even this experience was negative, lead me almost to self destruction, almost because I am still here.

Why I had such struggle to walk this point, is because I never wanted to give up the energy experience I got from this, despite the fact how much bullshits I created because of this, despite the fact and seeing how useless my actions are, despite the fact I saw the destruction of me I am creating, the energy I got was my loving one. To love own fear, even love and fear are illusions is extensive fuck up one can accept and allow within self, and to get out of this, is the same way terrific experience, because it is me who have to simply give up living this energy, it is me who have to give up this self definition towards this specific fear as anxiety I became living and accepting as me.

To complete the understating of fuck up I created within me, as point of anxiety and why that is, is that I became to fear to give up my own fear, because I became living and loving this.

It would take me many days to explain how much bullshits I created because of this fear, but this is done. I do not judge myself anymore for this, and I do not see the past of me as my fall, even in some periods I lived in constant fall.

After years of accepting and accumulating this specific anxiety, specific fear as energy experience, I manipulated myself to such extreme situation, where my mind almost took over me completely when I realized, where I really lead myself, and one moment in the mind was the most terrific experience I ever experienced, from perspective of massive amount of this anxiety.

And thus I breathe, and as I jump into a mind, even projection, even thought, even everything is anxiety, the fear and this experience is so overwhelming, that I am not able to move myself, I am paralyzed and I am glad I am able to breathe.

I am looking for savior for myself to get out of this anxiety, I am looking for someone to help me out of this, but this is no possible, as I created this, only I can stop this and release myself from such bullshit.

This experience, few weeks ago, is so extensive, so massive, I can’t explain this by words as this was beyond and words, and I would suggest anyone to do not lead oneself to such extreme as I did, as it is really not worthy.

The point is, that is much more cool to release self from such deception mind is, than do the opposite and accumulate the energy within self, as the experience one will lead oneself to is really not worth it, and can possibly be destructive.

As I was walking many points, many self definitions and many fears, by paradox, this specific anxiety and fear of future I was accumulating within me, this one, this most precious one I really never wanted to give up and stand up.

Another point is, that simply I have to, I have to give up all fears as if I would not, I will never free myself and I will never be able living example of trustworthy being if I will not give up all fears of me I became living, addicted to and loving.

It is paradox that I loved my fears, and I wanted to give up all, except this one, as this one, was the most impressive, most strong, and most powerful fear I experienced ever, thus everything else was like nothing in comparison of this fear.

We, humans, live in fear, and we love our fears, because we have no “ idea” what it could be, how amazing life really is, if we gave up all our fears and start to live for real.

Fear, by any means, is not real, it is not real experience, and it is not worthy to follow this, because each fear, is a fall of self, where self accept separation and submission towards the mind.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 146 : Worry of silencing friend

                 I was in discussion with friend, and as many times I take the lead of topics we speak about, I became sometimes speaking like “too much“. Within this, I noticed the change in behavior of my friend and that friend became quit, silent and not wanting to speak about anything.

                Thus we sat silent for a some moments and I experienced pain in my left finger point, thus I looked on this point as what is taking my direction in “our silence” and I realized, that It was my worry, as being afraid that I am the cause of making my friend silent and thus worry that because of my words she refused to speak for that period.

                I realized that in any means, my words can’t cause in someone energetic experiences, unless that persona is accepting it, and within this the point, that I never see what is going on behind the “wall” of picture as thoughts, energy experiences or backchats of persona I am speaking with.

                Everything I do, I just speak about different points, realizations, experiences and so on, and thus my worry, that I am the cause of someone stop to speak is my own delusion, as came out clear later.

                I applied SF on this point, of being afraid and worry about myself and my words or that I am the cause of experiences of my friend, and after several moments, she said she start to experience anxiety and that she do not wanted to speak because of this energy experiences. Thus I said several suggestions how she can take on this point of experiencing anxiety and release herself from such bullshits, as it is just her own creation of this experiences she have/had and thus she should support herself with writing and applying SF.

                What she will do about this is her decision. Anyway, interesting point is, how during the communication of two, one or both can start to experience energy movements, points coming up, suppressed and not resolved anxieties, stress, fears, worries and many others points, and also how can one effectively support oneself if is aware about the point which is here.

                Self forgiveness and breath, the points one can support oneself the most.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 86 : Relationships – Anxiety of new life

                 When I started to have sex with a girlfriend, I always considered the point of possibility to have a baby thus I used condom each time possible, or girl friend used contraception pills to prevent the pregnancy.

                There was a thoughts and worries sometimes, what if she will be pregnant, and how could we possibly take care about baby, when will be born, because we were young, thus not stable job, not stability within me nor my girlfriend, just “enjoying” our teenage moments.

                Over few years, I faced the situation with another girl, when she told me that her menstruation do not come, thus she is possibly pregnant. I started to worry in that moment, as I was not prepared to take such responsibility, and I was not able to comprehend how she could be pregnant if she use the pills, as I thought that it is enough as prevention. Also the point was, that sometimes I even used condom for myself, to make sure that I will not make a baby. Thus within this, I thought that the pills with condom is really enough as prevention to avoid not necessary pregnancy.

                Those moments, I really worried about such situation, as to accept the point of being a father that time was for me like hard awakening. The point of my worries and my anxieties came from not stable relationship created with her, thus relationship based on nothing, just illusions of the mind, and the point of money, as not enough support for myself, nor for idea of family or child, thus I was really worried about this, and I wanted to speak with her about abortion, as it would be really hard for us to take care about baby. But as she was too religious I was not sure how to even start to speak with her about this point.

                In few days, I find out, that she lied to me, that she had menstruation, that she is not pregnant, and that she started to play game on me, to know how I will react on such message that she is carrying baby. I was surprised, why the fuck she played such game on me, what the fuck is this shit to play such games.

                I was not able to see a baby as a new life being born, but as a problem, because of my own instability within system, thus from an idea of child being born I experienced anxiety within me, as projection and worry of the future, and not seeing how I could take care about baby.

                I was not prepared to take such responsibility, as I was not prepared that time to take responsibility for myself, I was even not aware what responsibility could be.

                By paradox, the point of new life being on the way, as being born to the future, I was not able to see as a life, as a new being coming to this world, but I experienced within me the anxiety, worries, stress, and nervousness.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to experience anxiety, stress and nervousness as fear of the future when I was confronted with situation of pregnancy of girl friend.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to worry and panic in front of situation of pregnancy of my girl friend and experience anxiety and stress as energy movement within and as me, thinking and believing that this energy experience is real experience of me, instead of seeing and realizing that it was of the mind as energy movements within me and my self definition to this energy as perception and believe that it is real.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to perceive the possibility of pregnancy of my girl friend as a problem, as a threat to my life, to my world, to the ideas and believes of myself what I lived, and from this experience anxiety, stress and nervousness as fear of the future, as a fear of new life on the way, as a fear of baby coming to this world where I was not prepared to take responsibility for myself nor for child to take care of.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to gave power to my mind to tell me what I should experience and how I should experience myself where I am confronted with situation of pregnancy and possibility of new life as a baby being on the way, as a separation of myself from myself and thus created within me the ideas, worry, stress, anxiety and panic about this baby and not seeing and realizing that all of this experiences are of the mind and I am not the mind, instead of taking into consideration practicality what it means to take care about baby, what it means to care about another being, what is the requirement to provide to the baby what is necessary to develop and live here as free human being.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from myself through ideas and believes about baby, about child as a new life coming to this world, now seeing myself equal to this baby and this baby equal to me, as physical, as life as who we really are.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear the possibility of child coming to this world and fear to take responsibility of caring about this child and provide everything necessary for this child to make sure child have everything which is required to develop and live here, and consider child equal to me and myself equal to a child.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see a child as a problem, not seeing and realizing what it really is within this world, as a new being coming to this world.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to experience anxiety, frustration, worry and stress when confronted with situation of possible pregnancy of girl friend and from this derive fear of the future, worry about the future, as worry if I will have enough money to take care about baby.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to connect the life as a baby being born to the money and amount of money I have or not have as a perception and idea how much money I will need to take care about baby, and through this worry about my stability within the system, to worry if I will be able to get enough money within the system and to worry if I will be able to earn enough money to take care about baby.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create within me the relationship between money, family, and perception of child being on the way and thus worry about the money and experience anxiety, stress and nervousness to this possibility, instead of see child as equal to me and see and realize the practical points I require to maintain required resources for myself, for child and my girl friend.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see the child as a new life through the money and the relationship I created towards the money and the situation that I am short of money and from this derive the fear of the future, as anxiety, stress and nervousness as projection how I could take care about baby, If I do not have enough money.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to perceive the child as something expensive and thus that I can’t afford to take care about the child, not seeing and realizing that I created within me the perception and idea about the life and seeing the life through money.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see the life through the money I have within the system I live in, and create within me the relationship between money, child, and responsibility and through this seeing the child, money and responsibility as problem.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am not able to take care about baby, that I am not able to get enough resources to maintain and support myself within the system with money and thus fear the possibility of child being on the way to this world and from this experience anxiety, nervousness and stress where I believed that those experiences are real experiences of myself, not seeing and realizing that those experiences are of the mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not enjoy the possibility of new life coming to this world as a baby, because I created within me the relationship between child, money and responsibility in separation from myself and thus fear myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to perceive a child coming to this world as a disaster for myself, where I created the perception and ideas that this will ruin my life, because I have not enough money to support myself and child.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to perceive the possibility of child coming to this world as something negative, because I am not in situation where I could supply and provide enough resources to a child and thus maintain required stability for myself and for child.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am not able to get enough resources for myself, child and girl friend to maintain stability for our living.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 56 : I love you – Ultimate deception

                When one says these words: I love you – One is actually saying: I love positive energy I can get from you and generate within me, I am addicted on this energy and I need this energy, I am so selfish and egoistic that I do not care who you are, what you are, what you lived and why, I have no idea who I am and what I became and why, I just need this energy, and I need you to behave the way I can get this energy from you, because I am shitty scared to see into me as what I became, I am so shitty scared to see demons within me living as me, I am so scared that I will not want to see all this shits I am within and as me, as I need to cover this all just with this positive energy I call love, and I have no problem to deceive you this way as I really do not care about you, and until I will be able to get this energy from you, I will speak this words to you, but when this will deplete within me, I will say you good bye and farewell ,as you will not serve me for nothing, and I will just say it is no more love – but within this I will remain blind towards fears I experience, anxieties,  and anger which I live day by day, but showing just this smiley cute face to word outside.

                Time to stop deceive.

Thanks, Juraj