Many years ago, I placed myself
into a situation where fear of future, as a projection of no ability to pay for
stuff I had to pay took place, and I experienced anxiety within me, terrorizing
myself with this experience and over some period of time, this anxiety has been
suppressed within me as I had no idea how to resolve that, how come I experienced
such negative emotion, how I created it, what was the cause, what directed me,
why and who I was within such situation.
After such experience, this fear
of future, as anxiety as projection remained ingrained within me, and therefore
part of me, me living with this anxiety even not noticing this, as I suppressed
this. This was maybe 15 years ago. I blamed myself, I judged myself.
As years start to passing, I was
living the “ordinary life” from certain perspective, in meaning, living as
energetic robot exactly the same way as all do, as I thought this is the way
life should be.
But this projection, this fear of future, this experience of anxiety, and
my self definition to this anxiety as
energetic experience I lived and this hunted me, I hunted the anxiety, I hunted
myself to experience anxiety, as possibly this was the strongest energetic
experience within me connected to money and my self responsibility, where I throw
away responsibility for myself in this point because of hope for the best, as I
even was still aware where this lack of responsibility could lead me. I do not
wanted to confront myself with this point, I do not wanted to see this point,
and this point was crucial for me to solve, but I didn’t, as the anxiety as
fear of future I lived and became it.
As years passed, this experience of anxiety, very specific as a point of
projection to the future as a fear and worry that I will have no money to pay
for that what I have to, took place many times, as my lack of handling money
because of vast amount of points within me connected to this experience of
anxiety, I was not able to see what and why I am doing by any means, because the
amount of layers, connections and points related to this was really massive.
After certain period, I started to realize, that I have a big problem
with this, that this controls me extensively, but the real question why, was
many years not understood and seen. As I started to solve this point, and
wanted to solve this, I fall to stood it so many times, that I started to think
and believe that I am not possibly able to stand this point, and thus I have to
remain fallen forever. But this is not so.
After accumulated anxiety, stress and nervousness I created within me,
became by paradox the terror of me by me, because I became addicted to this
energy experience, I became thirsty for this energy, even I saw what I do, how
and where this can lead me, but I was no able to hear any advices, any
suggestions, and I almost always did the opposite of the suggestions I got for
this point, because the energy as anxiety created by me, me defined to this energy
became my living, my precious energy, my precious fear of the future, my loving
one I became, my love of this energy.
Yes, I loved my fear, I loved my anxiety, I loved this energy as I created
positive perception, positive seeing of this energy, because of sense of
experiencing something, thus in believe I live, even this experience was
negative, lead me almost to self destruction, almost because I am still here.
Why I had such struggle to walk this point, is because I never wanted to
give up the energy experience I got from this, despite the fact how much
bullshits I created because of this, despite the fact and seeing how useless my
actions are, despite the fact I saw the destruction of me I am creating, the
energy I got was my loving one. To love own fear, even love and fear are
illusions is extensive fuck up one can accept and allow within self, and to get
out of this, is the same way terrific experience, because it is me who have to
simply give up living this energy, it is me who have to give up this self
definition towards this specific fear as anxiety I became living and accepting
as me.
To complete the understating of fuck up I created within me, as point of anxiety
and why that is, is that I became to fear to give up my own fear, because I became
living and loving this.
It would take me many days to explain how much bullshits I created
because of this fear, but this is done. I do not judge myself anymore for this,
and I do not see the past of me as my fall, even in some periods I lived in
constant fall.
After years of accepting and accumulating this specific anxiety, specific
fear as energy experience, I manipulated myself to such extreme situation,
where my mind almost took over me completely when I realized, where I really
lead myself, and one moment in the mind was the most terrific experience I ever
experienced, from perspective of massive amount of this anxiety.
And thus I breathe, and as I jump into a mind, even projection, even
thought, even everything is anxiety, the fear and this experience is so
overwhelming, that I am not able to move myself, I am paralyzed and I am glad I
am able to breathe.
I am looking for savior for myself to get out of this anxiety, I am
looking for someone to help me out of this, but this is no possible, as I created
this, only I can stop this and release myself from such bullshit.
This experience, few weeks ago, is so extensive, so massive, I can’t explain
this by words as this was beyond and words, and I would suggest anyone to do
not lead oneself to such extreme as I did, as it is really not worthy.
The point is, that is much more cool to release self from such deception
mind is, than do the opposite and accumulate the energy within self, as the
experience one will lead oneself to is really not worth it, and can possibly be
destructive.
As I was walking many points, many self definitions and many fears, by
paradox, this specific anxiety and fear of future I was accumulating within me,
this one, this most precious one I really never wanted to give up and stand up.
Another point is, that simply I have to, I have to give up all fears as
if I would not, I will never free myself and I will never be able living
example of trustworthy being if I will not give up all fears of me I became
living, addicted to and loving.
It is paradox that I loved my fears, and I wanted to give up all, except
this one, as this one, was the most impressive, most strong, and most powerful
fear I experienced ever, thus everything else was like nothing in comparison of
this fear.
We, humans, live in fear, and we love our fears, because we have no “
idea” what it could be, how amazing life really is, if we gave up all our fears
and start to live for real.
Fear, by any means, is not real, it is not real experience, and it is not
worthy to follow this, because each fear, is a fall of self, where self accept
separation and submission towards the mind.
Thanks, Juraj
Awesome blog post. Thanks for sharing this details.
ReplyDelete