Day x174x – Impossible love.

         I loved to dance but I do not dance anymore, I loved to make paintings, but I do not paint anymore. I loved to meat people, I do not meet anyone. I loved to speak, most days I am silent as there is no one around anymore to speak with. I loved to love, I do not love anymore. I loved to touch a girl, look into her eyes, yet I do not anymore as year by year I am single. I loved to write, I do not write anymore, except this article. I loved to think, imagine, hope, to the future, I do not anymore as I do not see future anymore. I loved to walk memories of me but what remained? Nothing more to check within and as past. I loved myself, I do not anymore. I’ve been sad, and sadness defined me, but not anymore.

         I’ve been in regret and sorrow, in shame, in judgment, I am not anymore. I loved to explain, check, investigate, I do not anymore. I loved my family, friends, I do not have anymore any of that. I loved my car, I do not have any. I loved the sun, yet it is winter. I loved the breeze, yet I do not experience this.

         I loved to see myself, in future, as who I will be, yet everything is different, what I would never imagined. I loved to overcome obstacles, yet nothing to overcome, as nothing will come.

         What happened, Juraj, to love you have been? Where that love went? And I am not saying about love in context of positive feeling, nor feeling of love at all, as love, is not a feeling, my words before, explains what and how I see and understand love, yet love I do not use towards anyone in any context as a word. Juraj, where is love as you?

         I asked myself, thousands of times, who I am, how come I am. Am I? Yet many may think that I stopped to walk m process, as my activity everywhere I stopped, yet I never stopped to investigate myself, and walk me, and challenges and difficulties. I never stopped to breathe, as my breath was only thing, with self-forgiveness, thanks to which I am here.

         Thousands of times, walked the same points, thousands of times, stood the odds, thousands of times, stood up. Thousands of times, fallen. Those who watched me, through all my days, through the years, should I thank you or should I ask you to leave? Yes, I see, can not ask to leave any part of me, you was always with me. But we can laugh about it, how many times, you looked at me, and wondered, how come I did it again, despite all that knowledge, all that realizations, despite all points walked, despite all of everything, despite all, again. To stop judgment, but hey, what this word even means, it make no sense.

         So many polarities witnessed and understood, so many stopped, and yet I have to ask myself, how I can create life?

         Yes life, because in creation of death, I lost myself, I have no idea how to create life, what life means, of what life is, yet I am life. I have no idea, what I am as life. This seeing, where creation of death led me, not seeing how to create life, how? Thousands to questions answered, can be great support to anyone, yet not doing so, because of this one fall?

         I watched your lives, yet mine and yours, are so different, that none of you, can see it, except those who walked with me. So different yet the same, this paradoxes I see, I have no words to describe this. I have no words to describe me, as who I am, as words. I tried, I had to use many and still it was not valid, not valid description of me.

         And standing water, as me, crashed the rock of me, water more solid then rock, yet still, who can understand this words, except those who walked those roads of clashing powers?

         So much I could say, but not anymore, as who understand? I tried, not anymore, I loved to speak, yet where’s that love?

         Faded, still not gave up on me, as I asked, why? Why you simply don’t?

         Shining, through lies, standing in storms of hate, transforming yet not knowing next day will come. Still here, always, not knowing next day will be, but still is. This day, is still, stand still.

         And those words, using, as me, and I said thus will be and is and was, yet many of them, not of me, not from me, not me, some of those words, are not mine, how is it possible ?

         Created impossible, and had to face the revenge of me, through impossibility of creation, yet still done. But only for that reason to face those points ? Seems to be silly, so much effort, so much patience, so much details, and this precision of this creation, where I amazed stood and watched this to face only this point and again everything lost as had to move on. How I can explain this, if only you, who walk with me, saw it. Even, can I, to anyone? How much books I would have to write, to explain all those details, linked together, in creation of such moments.

         And this seeing, in and as moments, as how much points had to come together, within and as impossible precision, still manged to happen, for this one point. Is it worthy? Or even, should be? What even this word means, as I asked.

         And I wanted, someone would understand, and see, what it was, and yet it again only you, no one else can, as you was the creator and you witnessed it all, only you.

         Will you ever give up?

         The words, do not exists, yet you create them, you bring into existence that what do not exists, how is that possible, how you can, to resonate through space, where distance is not valid, how you can, negate distance?

  

         How you can, make distance obsolete, how you can, make impossible possible?

         How you can be me?

Thanks, Juraj

Day 109 : Projections

                To project anything to the future, is the outcome and reflection of the past, thus this projection is just one possibility taken as derivative of the past, of lived memory and thus accepting and following seeing only that what one lived, accepted for oneself in the past, thus other possibilities of the future are not seen, as it is impossible because future per say do not exists.

                But what will happen as projection is irrelevant, as any possibility simply can happen. Just question is, who is self if faced unexpected situations, who is the direction of possibilities and why.

                Each moment, in fact we are facing extensive amount of possibilities of next moments, and by choosing this we are creating the future.

                Who chose, and why? It is the mind? Or it is self? Or, it is even necessary to chose anything? Isn’t just one principle enough? Principle of equality and oneness.

                And if one stand for this principle does one still choose anything? Or just live this principle?

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to believe that projections to the future are I am able to see in the mind are just everything I can see, not seeing and realizing that this projections are projections of the mind of possible future outcomes and not real seeing, as self see here, not in the mind as pictures.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize that I am able to see what is here as me as myself.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to look in the mind as picture projections of the future, not seeing and realizing that this picture presentations as projections are of the mind, as possible outcome as derivatives of my past, and nothing of that is real as it is in the mind and not here.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to have tendency to look into a future in the mind as picture presentations of the future, instead of see here, see myself here, and see myself as equal to others and others equal to me.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to look into a mind and through the mind to the future as picture presentations of the future, not seeing and realizing that all of this is based on mind components as fears, worries, desires, needs, wants, likeness or dislikes, and thus this have nothing to do with actual physical reality, as all of this is mind reality but not real physical world.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to look to the future through the mind not seeing and realizing that by this I am not seeing myself and thus I miss myself.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to trust these mind projections in my mind.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to put importance to these projections of the mind.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that these mind projections are probably valid.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that anything of the pictures are simply of the mind.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not realize that mind have very limited ways how can operate and basic platform for the mind are pictures.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to interpret the pictures I see through the mind, instead of see what is here as physical.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that mind can show me only its own limitation base on pictures stored in the mind already, and that mind is bound to this pictures, therefore I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to bound myself to the picture existence, not seeing and realizing that I defined myself to picture existence and thus defined myself according pictures I see and not see what is really here.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that this pictures I am able constantly see through my eyes are real, and by this limit myself just only to this pictures, and think and believe that what exists are this pictures.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to limit my seeing to see only pictures.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be controlled through seeing only pictures.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be influenced be seeing the pictures.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to react to pictures I see in front of me.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate from pictures I see in front of me.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to store these pictures within me and define myself to this stored pictures and create within me energetic connections to these pictures.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I have to react to these pictures with energetic reactions within me, and that if I react within me thus I live, instead of see and realize that simply pictures are of the mind, thus reactions to this pictures are of the mind, and that nor pictures nor reactions are real, just mind games of polarity and harvesting the energy.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I have to see pictures.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I need to see pictures.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to become controlled by the mind by seeing and looking on pictures.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to get control over me to my mind through accepting and allowing to see only pictures.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that picture world is real.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 10 : Blood is on my hand

                The river changed color, the water became red as the innocent children, men and women fall into a river, with heads shot right through. Their bodies remarkably tortured, punished, the screaming of voices in pain, dying in agony of war, echoed from rocks in surroundings.

Dying by hands of ignorance, dying by hands of those who refused to look, dying in name of God, for high purpose, for money, for power. I am one of those who just looked.

Thousands innocent people killed in most bizarre scenarios, the pain resonating in the earth and the earth is taking their bodies as they came from earth.

The rain washed the blood and the wind silenced the pain, silence on battle field took place, I just looked. I looked on the agony, suffering and horror which has been created, the question raised.

When this will be stopped? When I stop? This has not been enough to see and realize what I created? When the man will stood up and declare that the mankind will no fight each other anymore?

When the man, will see and realize, what the man is really doing? Killing the life without any movement within, without mercy, no regret and no shame in the man, as the man stand on battle field blinded by the glory of victorious war. But what the man actually won? Has been anything won? Just another torture all around, another war, just more pain and more.

Is the man strong enough, to suppress it and deny? Is the man strong enough, to stand and see directly what the man created?

How long, this will continue? How long and how much people must be killed for man to realize, that inevitably, this simply must end?

The man has beginning and the man has an end, will the man realize?

I looked and I say, the world we live in is insane, man is insane and the man is the most dangerous species on this planet, and what the man is doing must be stopped, who will stand up first, the planet, or the man?

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself the war to exist.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself the fight to exist.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself the war exist as attempt to kill life.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself the war exist as ego and competition where the winner get all as victorious and defeated are doomed and tortured and have to submit as slaves.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create from competition ego and from this allow and accept create war.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to kill others in various ways to make them more suffer, to feel them more pain, and to get them down in deeper agony.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to attempt to kill life.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to attempt to kill me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to want destroy life.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to be blind to that what I allowed and accepted toward life.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to accept war as valid point how to get resources which belong to other country.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to accept war as excuse of economic growth.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not see and realize the pain, suffering and dishonor towards the life created during the war.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself the war to exist as manifestation of abuse of life.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fight for victory and do not look on consequences which this victory brings.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fight for glory.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fight for being noticed.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fight as attempt to make myself more than what I really am.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fight as manifestation of ego superimposed on sexuality and sexual fantasies and desires.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fight as point of getting sex.

I commit myself to investigate each point I allowed myself to fight and stop.

Thanks, Juraj 

Layers upon layers

                Recently I worked in my room on removing paintings on walls and ceiling, because of decision that flat I live in will be sold. My first intention was just to remove only some parts and re-paint it with just one color, so it should be easier.

                First few days I was just removing little areas and the wall looked really like mess, no structure, colors upon colors layered and I realized that to remove this all will take more effort than I thought before. Than information that flat will be sold came to my attention so I decided to remove it all and put on walls original white color.

                As I continued working on removing old paintings, I started to not be satisfied with my work on areas where I worked already. I decided that I will do it clearly and with quality and work systematically to make sure that I will do it properly and that there will be no need to put attention on that parts anymore.

                I tried different tools and different approaches to get that sense how to do it most effectively, on places where was only one color the removing process became fast and color gone with ease. On areas with layers of colors the removing became real pain, where centimeter over centimeter required effort and attention and over time my hands became tired and painful.

                I also received advise that water should assist with this removing significantly, firstly I was skeptical about this advise but as I tried it so the removing the one layered color on ceiling became fast process.

                In few days, I had real hard mess in everything in the room, as I didn’t covered stuff in room, so the dust and colors was literally on everything,

                Last day, the morning I woke up, I decided that I am going to finish it because I became little bit pissed off about  the mess in my room and that nothing was on its place and moving in my room became problematic, even air has that smell of colors and dust.

                So after removing all the color, I re-painted the walls with white and I last just one wall with painting, because this one I like so when it will be really necessary I’ll remove it.

                To clear all the dust and clear the mess took several hours, when I finished, I was surprised about myself that I did it. It was like, hard to believe that I finished it and that it is done. But yes, it was done and the order came to my room again.

                While completing this, I realized, the process of stopping the mind, removing patterns, systems, is very similar to this. Where self create one layer of fuck up thus it could be really easy to remove, where self layered the bullshit upon bullshit it could be harder and thus it could require more attention and discipline to remove what needs to be removed.

                And where self created lot of layers upon layers of the same system, thus to remove this could be real pain and require dedication and maybe all effort needed to remove and see what has not been seen and realized, what is real if just painting and facade is removed.

Thanks, Juraj