Me and water

                As a child, I had maybe 8-9 years, once I swam in the lake, not big one, but for me it was enough. Approximately in the middle of the lake, it was like losing power to continue, it became harder to control my muscles.

                It frightened me as I realized that if I’ll lose all strength I’ll drown. I saw people at the ground as people are tanning at the summer days and I wanted to scream on them and ask for help, but I even did not had strength to scream.

                So I realized that if I can’t ask for help and no one is around me to help me, it is me who have to help myself and it is me who have to do it and get all powers needed to get back on the ground.

                Thus I focused just only on that movement, on swimming, on muscles, breathe, nothing else. No fear, no useless anything, just me doing what’s necessary.

                I successfully get back on the ground, and at the same time I was really proud on myself, that I did it. No one knew this, no one I told to, why should I, it was just me and water.

                Thanks, Juraj

How I manipulated myself to fall

I compared myself with another being, and I saw the fall in this point in that being and I thought myself that this one being knows more about the process and standing and from that comparison I created inferiority in my standing and fear that I will fall in smoking again and I created an excuse that it is not big deal to fall with smoking. So if this being can fall so I can fall.

But I didn’t wanted to fall to smoking as before, to addiction which I cannot be without, so I linked it with drinking coffee, in terms that okey I am going to fall in this point but I will not allow myself to be overwhelmed of this addiction and I will smoke when I will drink coffee, to have this addiction in perceived control.

I was able to smoke only when I drink coffee, but it is fall, no matter what I can add to this.

I noticed interested thing , how can I easily manipulate myself and create excuse and allow myself to fall, how easy it is, to allow just one thought and fall is coming.

When I decided to write about this, my mind literally starts to scream – No ! You can’t do this, you can’t write about this, you can’t reveal it to the others. It could be your secret, you can keep it for yourself and nobody will know how you fall.

Maybe, nobody will know how I fall, but I know how I fall. And I started to laugh on myself when I heard my mind screaming, it was crazy screaming within me, inside me.

Thanks, Juraj