Day 149 : I was never here

                The presence of me, as awareness of everything which exists as me, no separation, nothing just me as experience and existence of myself in equality and oneness of me as who I really am, this is the realization I came through and the self judgment of me was so extreme, I experienced myself as body to blow up if this judgment will continue, thus I stopped.

                The moments I realized who I really am as presence of me never allowed to give up on myself, but rather continue to give up everything of the mind. Within this, I see I was never here as awareness of life, but always as mind, as to be here mind can’t explain what this means, what this should be, or how it is, or even how to make to be here, as for mind is simply impossible to be in and as present moment.

                Mind do not exist as moment of here, mind do not exist as one moment which is real, for mind this is impossible as mind by itself is illusion, therefore illusion can’t comprehend at all what real is, reality, or what this word even means.

                Mind can’t comprehend simplicity as for the mind that what is most simple seems to be most horrific.

                I can’t live here with the mind, I can’t unite living of illusion and living here as that what is made of past can’t be merged with actual reality. The one have to be given up therefore giving up on the mind means giving up on the past.

                Therefore each memory, each moment stored and experienced as the energy have to be investigated, solved and released to free self from this prison of the past, as that is where I am.

                I locked myself in the past as creation of definitions and relationships towards that what I experienced in believe of realness and actuality of such experiences, therefore creation of me as mind has been set up.

                I locked me thus I free me.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize who I am as presence of me in and as moment which is here.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize that I always lived in separation from myself in the mind, in projections, ideas, believes, judgments, comparison, competition, and thus I never lived myself as present moment in equality and oneness with myself as everything which exists as physical.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize that I do not know what it means to live here, as knowing is of the mind and thus live here is presence of me as awareness of myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize that anything of the mind is separation.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize that to see means see directly.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to exist within and as moment.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to live within and as moment.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize simplicity of living in and as one moment.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize that only one moment is real, one which is here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to always exist in and as mind in separation from myself and from what is here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from moment which is here and thus from myself, because of my very living in and as the mind which is based on past and past experiences.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from physical existence because of my acceptance to be, live, and participate in and as the mind as mind follower.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to limit myself with the mind and thus exist as the limitation of the mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to limit my existence by thoughts, energy experiences and ideas and believe about myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to interpret what is here, instead of be here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to interpret reality instead of being with and as reality as who I really am as presence of physical as awareness of self.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to exist as singular points and thus as my self definitions and relationships towards this points, instead of stop to live as definitions and relationships but as real being in presence of moment which is here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to submit into a self dishonesty by accepting living the mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that my very living was never based on equality and oneness of myself as everything which exists.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that I always lived in separation from myself thus in self dishonesty.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not open my physical eyes and see what is here directly but rather interpret what is here by and as the mind as definitions, knowledge, information as pictures in separation from myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not hear what is here but rather think what is here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not touch what is here as me in equality and oneness with myself but rather interpret through the mind the touch and what this touch means and how I should experiences the touch.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I can’t stop separation and my existence as separate entity, because I think and believe that this will remain this way always, instead of see and realize that to stop live in separation form myself is stop living all lies of the mind which I am capable of.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that I am strong and stable if I am here as presence of me as breath.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not want to give up the past because I defined myself as the past and as living in the past and past is everything I have as the definitions of myself in and as the mind, and to give up the past means to give up on everything I lived as the mind therefore kill myself as the mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that to see everything of me as my definitions and relationships created in the past as the mind is problem and hard.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not trust myself as physical as breath in equality and oneness of me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not dare to question everything of the mind as this questioning will lead me to solution and thus by this accept and allow to hide myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate from my physical body which is here, because I created myself as the past and thus I live of and as the past as the mind, not seeing and realizing that by this I deluded myself ,because of thinking and believing that anything I experiences as energy was real, not seeing and realizing simplicity of this, as anything of the energy experiences is my self delusion.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think that I am not capable to see what is here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I have to interpret myself and thus reality.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to believe that mind will somehow have power over me always, instead of see and realize that I am able to stop the mind, living as the mind entirely, that I am able to stop the mind in its own complexity and design, as do not matter how complex mind is, mind is still limited, programmed and by this programming and seeing this program and design I am able to free and release myself from such lies.

Thanks, Juraj

From illusion into reality

  The thoughts I believed was real, the thoughts I thought are me, those which I was aware of, I let go and those thoughts no more bother me. Just that simple it is.

                The voice which used to speak within me and I believed is me, I let go and the voice no more bother me in my head. Just that simple it is.

                The emotions I thought was real I stopped and this emotions no more bother me. How simple it is.

I used to look more within polarity of the mind on those one which I do not like or those which I do not like to experience. Those I let go and thus I forgave myself, but I forgot interesting point. To let go those one which I like, those one I would like to experience, some of them I let go, but some of them I wanted to keep for myself.

But that’s the same delusion as those judged/perceived as negative, the positive/good is just the second part of polarity.

I realized, how much points are in front of me from positive spectrum which I am going to work on, because, to stand real, mean stand without any illusion of the mind.

One side of polarity, or the other, both are the same illusions.

Thanks, Juraj

Desire to see makes me blinded

                Yesterday, as I posted my blog, I was still curious what it is I am looking on and trying to find out, but as I searched within me simply I found nothing.

                At the very evening, I looked on Marlen’s reply on my post, and this assisted me, as than I was able to see for myself what I created within me, in few minutes I experienced how the feeling of tiredness gone, it was not existed, and then when I read her post again I had to laugh on myself.

                The not necessary game I played with me was like following – I looked into a box and there was nothing, but me believing that there should be something, so I looked again. Hm, than I was curious how came that there is nothing as I believed that something should be there. So I looked again, and again, but still nothing so I created frustration within me that what the fuck I can’t see something, so instead of trusting myself I placed trust in believe. Lol what a fuck up. Heh.

                My frustration gone with feeling of tiredness, as I realized thanks to Marlen’s suggestion, that when “If it's not 'here' then let it go”.

                In the very moment if nothing is here so it is nothing, simple.

                The importance I placed to some pictures witch I could not put together and see directly, lol yes I deluded myself with this.

                And it was desire to find out and see and not looking on what Is here, I blinded myself with this desire, so it means that each one desire I allow and accept thus through that believe I will blind myself.

                I let go this desires, just look on what is here.

“If there is nothing at the moment, then cool we simply let it go until it becomes relevant for some reason again - this way we don't go creating new personalities or points to occupy the mind with, but go walking what's here, what presents itself, what comes up in any given moment.” - Marlen

Thanks, Juraj