Day 169: I will all-ways Love you

                I spoke many times the words of love or likeness towards the girls, I dared to, I wished and I wanted those words to be spoken back. I wanted.

                I speak those words and I tremble, I speak and I shake as I am insecure about reply and I wish to hear the words of likeness of me but I fear I am mistaken, I fear things are not the way I perceive and think, I hold the hand and I kiss and I am pleased, I am satisfied, I am experiencing the feeling, the feeling I like, I like this girl, I love her, I know it because I experience this feeling, but, something, something I do not considered, I do not considered, that this, what I experience – is Lie.

                The moments I dared to express and spoke those words towards girls are gone and seem to me like never happened, like just the frame of the past of my actions and my words, my words, as love towards anyone, I was fake. I was fake within such words, I was not aware.

                And this experience and this feeling, is lovely, it is energy moving within me and fulfilling me, this energy I think is love, it must be, this lovely love feeling, must be love because it is directed toward a girl, and I am male thus this is love, yes it is, but, I see – it is fear. Not love not likeness just fear. The fear of me, fear of who I am, why I am the way I am, fear of future and present, as I do not know, I do not see, I am not aware thus I fear and this fear is fulfilling me and I think it is love and I am mistaken and I lie to me and I lie to girl because I fear.

                Within the words I spoke the likeness and love of someone, in fact there was my desires, my intentions, my needs and wants, my projections, how it would be, how things can be, how future can be, my energy and my experiences, within such words I manipulated because of wanting to simply experience what I feel within me, in the state of mind I am experiencing love, which was just – Fear.

                Fear in many ways, fear in me, and I think I will always love you but in fact I will all ways fear you, is true meaning of such words, always to fear, me.

                How strange it is, to say, to someone, and to promise and to project, that I will be all ways in fear towards this being, how insane this is, and more insane, the marriage of two based on the fear as projection to end of the life.

                Blindness within such fear allow the being to commit themselves into a doom of them in lies and dishonor of love, they accept to abuse such word each way possible to maintain their energy, and it is just fear, and they will fight and protect their fear, and they will dare to kill for their love – for the fear.

                The beings, here, as me, blinded within such love, not seeing and realizing what in fact is going on within them and around them, and the moments pass and things are happening and day after day, year after year, decade after decade, life is passing and the life in fear and projection of love and what love is, and within the last moment of the” life”, being realize the most shocking truth about themselves, the truth about their love, and what they lived, but it is to late. To late and all is gone – just this seeing and realization remain – You was fake all life, each way possible, because you feared you.

                I breathe, slowly, I am the breath of the body and I am in and as all parts equally and everything of me is equally considered, shared, touched, fulfilled with me as breath as I am here and I am love, I am expression of love as innocence of me, I love me and I love you as me and this is me as who I am within such moment as I see, realize and understand, for eternity as the truth of love – is Equality and oneness of me.

Thanks, Juraj

               

Day 92 : Brainwashed to be a victim

                Years ago, when I was in stage of copying each bullshit into me, I saw the story of a woman owning a family company, where her right hand for financial operations was the most loyal man she could have in her presence, and thus helping her patiently with everything she dealt with, standing by her side while facing the circumstances of her life.

                This was a story in tv, and I was looking upon this male in this story, how he was able to support her in everything over a years, and she was overlooking his whole this period. The memory of his standing nearby her arm seat while she making the decision start to flash through my mind last few days. Within this story, he was fallen into a love towards her, and she was over many years dating, flirting, living with different males, while about 20 years she realized who is supporting her whole this period, where she fall into a love towards him after this stage.

                In this story, I copied several point into me, and I defined myself according this story, and thus I created in me several relationships, perceptions and ideas about love, support, and living between male and female. It is interesting, how tv, as the stories, or books support us to fall into a deceptive perception about ourselves and our lives.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create the idea and believe about love, support and living between male and female through pictures of the mind as male standing by side of woman and supporting her through her life while waiting on her to realize that he loves her and waiting for her to realize that he is fallen in love to her and thus start to perceive him as a victim and thus looking upon him of his ability to stand by her and to be able to support her for so long time and wait on her for so long time and thus start to perceive love as waiting on someone to realize the fuckup of oneself and perceive the love as waiting on someone.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to live within, in and as a memory of time line of a male waiting on female to recognize his support and his assistance towards her and patiently solving with her point by points and living for her and thus I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to perceive love as living for someone and perceive this as to be a victim or to sacrifice my life for someone, instead of see and realize that I live my life, that I live for myself here, that I support myself her and through supporting myself I am able to support others as myself , in equality and oneness of me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to define myself into and as idea of love and living between male and female as that male is waiting for female and living for her, sacrificing his life for her and accepting and allowing each bullshit of her and patiently waiting on her to realize who he is in front of her and thus create within me the believe that I have to sacrifice myself for some women, that I have patiently accept and allow everything she do and support her and assist her while wait on her to see me, instead of see myself here, recognize myself here and support myself here and through this support and assist others to see and realize what we accepted and allowed for ourselves to live as a system of the mind, as a pre programmed life experiences while we wait here on earth.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that love is about waiting on woman while being fallen in love and that love is ability to support female no matter what and stand by her no matter what, instead of see and realize that love is equality, as me equal to me and me equal to others and see myself equal to others and others equal to me and by this see and realize that love is not of the feeling or ideas and believes but about of living in equality of me, seeing equal me to others, where time is irrelevant as equality is who I really am as life towards myself and towards others, as life is equal in everything within existence.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see myself as a victim and as a sacrificing myself while supporting others and especially women instead of see myself equal to them and them equal to myself in seeing and realization that support and assistance of others is about solving what is her, as our acceptances and allowances of living in and as mind system and thus supporting myself to see and realize what is being accepted to live as a system and thus give myself and others equally the opportunity to realize what it is what directs our and through this be able to take responsibility for ourselves and direct our lives.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I have to sacrifice myself to others and sacrifice myself for a woman and live for her, instead of see and realize that this is just memory or the mind as definition, idea and believe what love, living between male and female is or should be, and thus see and realize that love is nothing of pictures, ideas, believes, perception nor any system and component of the mind but equality as me standing and living as equal to others, and seeing others as equals to myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that real love is equality of me, where within me each part of me is considered equally and thus nothing of me is left behind or not considered, and thus nothing of me is sacrificing for myself or making a victim of myself for myself, because I am equal here as I am.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see love as sacrificing oneself for other, instead of see and realize that love is about support, assistance and considering everyone equally where love is equality of myself as myself and thus see myself equal to everything which exist in me, as me as breath of life here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to perceive myself and think and believe of myself that I have to sacrifice for woman and support her and assist her as sacrificing myself to her, instead of see support and assistance as me giving opportunity to realize what I accepted and allowed to myself and thus give opportunity to see and realize for others what has been accepted and allowed to live as deception of ourselves and deception between each other.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to deceive myself with idea, perception and believe that sacrificing for other and sacrificing myself for a woman is true love, instead of see and realize that love has nothing to do with and component of the mind, as perceptions, ideas nor believes, but love is expression of me as me where each part of me is considered equally.

Thanks, Juraj

Day : 15 Self interest – I never considered anybody

                Really. Never.  I never considered anybody and anything, and if yes, thus animals or when I was young, but if I should speak about people, it was always the same. My self interest. Simple.

                Truth is always simple, when the shadows of bullshits are removed, simplicity of truth about me remain.

                To care about someone, to support someone, to help and assist when I see it is possible, I do. I am learning to support others, I am learning what it really means, because within this, I always support myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to live according my self interest and do not consider others within my world.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that I care about others not realizing and not seeing that it was just only my self deception as in fact I didn’t gave a shit about others.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to live in illusion that I care where in fact I lived my self interest just for the sake of getting energy for my living.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that with lies and deception I can cover who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to to fuck others.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to see others as blind assholes as brainless and pointless zombies fucking around in this world with no sense for anything and with no understanding to anything and thus became bored by explaining over and over and over that what I see in this world thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me the boredom to speak with others and be pissed off with explaining everybody over and over things I see and I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to see others as uneducated semi retarded fuckers instead of realizing that I am equal to them and thus I am not more and not less than them.

Thanks, Juraj