Inevitably,
I faced many times a question within myself, as what or who I can trust? Or
even what trust is, is trust real? Can trust even exists?
So, as I was a bit struggling
within me as this point, thus I came back within me, and revisited the points
of realizations within me, and looked as how I acted, what I spoke and what I
did after specific points I realized.
For example, 8 years ago
realization of love as oneness and equality of myself, through and by this
realization, I was able to see as who I am as expression of love, and I placed
this realization as my guide, map or compass, and see and understand that love
is never a feeling, but I am the love. Within the realization of me as love,
the experience of hug and kiss of each living being emerged within me and I
trusted me as this realization and I will trust me as love forever. This
realization, guided me many times when I faced a point of the love as construct
of the mind, and I was able always cross reference love as me and love as mind
experience, and see through my fears, hopes, wants, and needs as desire for
love as a feeling. And I admit, even with this great cross reference point I
placed within me, I had sometimes struggle to let go of all points related within
me to and as love construct, because hundreds of dimensions emerged within me
related to this point and my need of self-honesty was challenged in this point
a lot, but I never lost myself in love construct again. And I never will.
To let go and transcend, some
specific points within me as love construct, was really painful, on mind level
and “real” pain in me as a being. Letting go of a false love, constructed through
ideas and believes, fears and separation from myself, starting on mind level
and going into me as a being, required really a lot moments to see and realize
before, and one of the ultimate was, as how I created this love as mind from beginning
as an illusion in my mind, and sometimes even I wanted this illusion to became
real, but always my compass, my guide, my map as realization as what real love
is, together with self-forgiveness, I always found my ground and was able to
see through, which is in fact totally great and I am so grateful for this, as I
seen that my actions, and words was supported a lot thanks to me as realization
of love and thus I stand me as this realization, no matter what and forever.
And I can place a question, will I kiss or hug this person standing in front of
me as me as expression of love? I definitely do not have to hug or kiss all
beings in existence to prove this for myself, this is more a guide and always
will be.
When I realized around 10 years
ago, what relationships in between men and women really are, how they are
created within mind, what mind play is involved, and how many points of
deception within self are involved, thus this became one of my first compasses
and guides for my life, to never seek relationship with woman based on such
points again, which was quite a challenge as well, but from that moment I
always seen and understood, that I can never accept to form a relationship with
a girl such way, because it would always be fake, deception, and lies of the
mind. And from that moment I decided that I would go into relationship with a
woman, which would be able to walk her process as well, and never accept
anything less. In that moment, I decided that and was prepared, that I will be
all my life alone, or I will met with a woman which would understand the
message of equality and oneness of desteni, and decide for herself to walk out
of a mind, and thus we would walk our lives together. One way, or another, I am
ok with both options for myself, even I realize, that many points are easier to
walk when two are together, as both can play very vital part within process of
both, and help and support each other more effectively when it come to walk
through the mind. But still, I can do it alone, so if this option will play out
in my life, I will walk alone this earth.
Few months after realization of
me as love, realization of me as awareness, and how I experienced myself as all
existence, and what this realization showed me, about me, what judgments
really are, and how everything exists as polarities, for the sake of creation
of fear, became my strongest point and most vital part in growing basket of
compasses and guides and maps within me. And if I would have to pick one reason,
as why I continue as self-forgiveness till this date, after decade ago, this
one was the utmost revealing realization of me, but other played very vital part
as well, thus all are the same guides for me.
Even as how I came to this realization,
was quite fascinating, because my separation was defined by one simple thought within
me, which was “ I am not you “ , and this thought occurred within my mind when
my brother was speaking to me when I was just a boy, and he was comparing me
with one specific being, which I didn’t liked and this thought happened within me
that time, and it was done, I was separated in the mind living my dream. But
this realization will be my guide forever.
When I started stopping the mind,
and seeing the thoughts of myself, and starting over some period track the
thoughts to their origin, and start to see mechanics in between thoughts and
emotions, what I always found was, that origin of each thought within me was
fear. This was quite interesting, and I was not sure what this will bring to my
life, but I understood that I can trust myself and simply continue with what I
was doing in context of self-forgiveness, as I simply had to see and understand
for myself, I could never accept knowledge or anything, as I seen that whatever
is presented to me, I would never trust if I do not see for myself, walk for
myself, understand for myself, and thus live for myself.
Sure, I was not able to see everything as what is ahead of me that time,
but anyway I am grateful that I never stopped, because, this seeing and understating
as how fear is created within me, and which thought and feeling or emotions
emerged from it, was another guide in the basket, and thus I could never let
any thought within me unnoticed, or emotion, and I always had to start to see
deeper because I always seen, that it is never just a thought, but much more to
this is always.
From points above, emerged
realization of sexual energy, and seeing and understanding, that all sexual
energy I experienced within me, is in fact always fear. Sexual energy, simply
equals fear. And this fear has many facets, many forms, and comes with many
dimensions, and here I can say, this was the most hard, challenging and lengthy
point within me to walk.
From begging, when I started to
investigate my fears as sexual energy, my insecurities about myself, doubts,
judgments, polarities, and possible actions, I was not able to see as how many
I accepted within me to be part of me as me, but this realization, that all
sexual energy is fear, I added to my basket of guides, and thus more I walked
my life, more compasses I created for myself, to never again fall in the trap
of the mind. And extensively great amount of my power has been given by me to
my mind, to play with me and use me.
Walking sexual points within me, took me more
like 8 years, one by one, day by day, year by year, and you would never believe
as what I did for myself to be able to push myself through this, and I pushed
myself, me as the mind, me as a being, and me as a body, to real limits of me, where
I was aware that I can possibly lead myself into a collapse of me and make some
epic mistake for myself, but I had always one point in consideration for this,
that I will do anything and everything possible for myself, to walk through the
fears of me, but whatever I will do I will never harm myself. Physical well
being of me was always the priority for me, and I can say, this was a great
compass for me, because I never seriously harmed myself or damaged anything of
my body, yet I had some tiny little issues after some specific points, or some
mistakes, because body can handle only what body can handle, and I can say, I
am grateful for my body, because what I body did for myself, and stood with me,
and to show me what I accepted as fear to live in and as, was sometimes really
crazy, but I had to do it. And if I would have to go back, I would do it the
very same way, with some little improvements, but basically it was a cool way
to work with the points within me, with my fear, and explore anything and everything
possible within me.
Within the walking sexual energy within
me, I was after years always like, so this is it, this was the last point, and
the another point emerged, and I understood that maybe I will never resolve
this, or it will take how much it will take, and sometimes I was even pissed of
or surprised as how this is possible so many points connected to this. But I
continued, until one very specific moment, when I realized, what really happened
within me and why and what I accepted and how it is even possible that such
moment existed within me, when I was a young boy, as experience of fear within me,
when I looked on a girl, I had this
paralyzing and trembling experience of myself, when I saw her, and all my life,
I thought that it was fear, or love, or likeness of her, or whatever, but in
the moment of realization, as what this really meant, and what really happened,
finally I seen for myself. That all sexual energy, I experienced, lived,
wanted, needed, or desired, was in fact, fear of myself. All sexual energies,
thus fears, which I had through my entire life, was in fact, fear of myself, as
projection, as what I will possibly do, or not, and this was linked to polarity
of more and less, and I let my mind to abuse me each way possible and keep me
trapped in this fear of myself, because I was no able to se that time, how I
created it. And even, as a young boy, I had no chance to see this, nor understand,
or realize. This was the blueprint and creation and specifically tailored
experience of my mind for myself, to eat it, and start to live it.
And here, I was able to see, how
was possible that I believed that experience, why I believed it, Why I followed
it all my life, and what that experience meant. All my fears, all my life, all
my actions, all my words, was linked to this one very specific experience of
fear, I could say, more like initial or starting point of me accepting fear,
and this was decided, and tailored for myself much sooner, and according my realizations,
I would say from begging of the existence.
What was the most interesting
point, within such realization was, that in fact, it was something completely
else, so well hidden, and presented by my mind such genius way, that from that
moment it was almost certain that I will never find out or realize, and thus I
have to say, that mind and creation of the mind, and how mind can use self-deception
to trap one within, is pure genius. 8 years or more took me, to came to this point,
even some specific points I realized earlier in my life, but in context of me actively
working and participating on this, it was such time.
Fear of myself, is starting point
for all fears within self, because self is not able to see, comprehend and understood,
that self in fact exists as one. But separation, brings this illusion, that it
is something else.
And if you will reach this point within
you, you will see, what it really means, when Anu said, where and how he placed
himself as a part of a body.
So, if you are experiencing
sexual energy within you, you can always be sure, that you are deceiving
yourself, and that in fact you are experiencing the fear in its purest form. If
you are horny, be sure, that it is fear you do not see how you are creating it within
you, and accepting within you. If you are horny, or sexually driven by energy within
you, be sure you are just a slave of the mind, which uses you, like a tool,
like a puppet, and you will give into and you will give the mind all the fears
you can, and mind will hold you in this trap of you, because even you want and
desire it. But, at the end, it is always fear, and this fear starts within you,
where you are fearing yourself.
Fear of self, is starting point
for all possible fears you can experience within you, all judgments, all
polarities, it all starts within you, as you, as who you are, and what you
really fear of yourself.
This points I walked for myself,
and what I realized, was one of the hardest, really hardest, and most sophisticated
creation within my mind as the mind, because I would never thought or guess the
real reason, as how and why I accepted fear within me, and what part polarity
of more and less plays as projection to the future of my future actions, of
myself towards a girl really is. I am so grateful that I pushed myself to walk
all of this, and I am so grateful for my body, and I am so grateful for myself,
that despite all the odds, I am forever grateful for this opportunity which I
gave myself, to see and realize how I created all of this, and thus give myself
opportunity to live me as a being, no longer trapped in self-deception of fear.
And thus, I have a basket, where
is a map, on that map, are placed realizations of me which I accepted as me,
and this map and realizations guided me as a compass in my life, almost for a
decade. And, I will forever.
So I trust myself, and became the
trust of self, that I will never fall into a mind games again, or that even if
by any chance I would, thanks to this, I trust myself that with my map, I will
always find the way out, no matter what.
So I dare you, do anything and everything possible to see through the
fear of yourself, push yourself as much as you can, and when you reach the
point of self-realization as how and why you existed the way you did, you will,
smile. 😊
You will smile because you will see, that all of it, was never real. You
will smile and honor yourself, because you will see how all another parts which
mind consist of and exists as and which you accepted to be and live and become,
and which mind uses against you, as guilt, remorse, regret, sadness, anger, you
name it, was your allowance, your acceptance, from begging of you and that
nothing of that, was ever real, just a mirage of you. And here you give
yourself opportunity, to became real you. As who you really are, as presence,
as awareness, as love, as direction, as playfulness, as self-acceptance, as
everything you can give to yourself, no more trapped in your self-delusion.
Alone or together, I am trust of me, forever.
Thanks,
Juraj
