Day 130 : Fear of experiencing nothing

                I realized interesting point, this is like being scared, or frightened if I do not experience nothing, thus this is like wanting to experience something thus create within and as me frightening that I experience nothing and how come nothing is within me, thus by creating this experience I can again experience something, which is energy movement as fear.

                By paradox, I am stopping energy experiences, releasing myself from this experiences and when I get to a point where I experiences nothing, thus I became scared or frighten and thus from this want to experience something, but this, is simply separation.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to want to experience something within and as me and thus from this create the desire of want to experience something and thus became scared and frightened of myself not experiencing anything within and as me, to be able again experience something, instead of see and realize that this is just game of the mind to take me always back to energy experiences within and as me and make me trust to this experiences and believe to this experiences that it is me experiencing me, instead of see and realize, each moment consistently that anything of energy movements within and as me is always of the mind and thus not me, because I separated from myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not stand clear and stable within and as breath when I experience nothing within and as be but only breathing, as an attempt and desire to want to experiences something.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am wrong or that I am not ok when I do not experience anything within me, but me just breathing.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I have to, that I must experience anything within me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to desire to express myself instead of doing so.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think that do not experiencing energy movements within me is not ok and that I am not ok when I do not experience energy within me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create within and as me fear that what if I will never experience anything if I do not experience energy movements for a while and thus by this create within me energy as fear of not experiencing myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that each moment I breathe thus I am with me here and that is all I am, me as breath.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to want to experience something more than me breath because of living my life on and as energy experiences of the mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and desire to experience more than myself, more than who I really am as breath as me, and by this separate myself from myself and create friction within and as me as desire to experience me, instead of breathe here each moment.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 80 : Separation – I am more, because I see more

                Within this thought which came up here, I realized, that over time as I walk my process, I see that people around me are like blind, like deaf, aware so little even if, as I see within me this point, overtime I started like to think and believe about me that I am more because I am aware more.

                Yes, I am aware more in regards of point of how I function, what I see and what are my actions, what I realized about me so far, but I can say, this all do not make from myself more than any other being here.

                I can’t be more in anyway what so over, as all and everything is me, thus I can’t be more than me. I am me, and not matter in which body what I realized so far, as within the mind of man, for some people is impossible to realize anything thus those are innocent from perspective of their abdication of self responsibility to such extent, and believe in mind that they completely and entirely gave power to their minds.

                This also do not mean that they can abuse, manipulate and harm the ways they do, but they do not see it, they do not realize it, they are no aware what they are really doing as it is impossible for them.

                Thus I can only assist and support, to show and reveal what is here, what we as humanity allowed to do onto each other, and thus eventually stop this system of abuse and annihilation of mankind, as within this, we are annihilating life.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think the thought that I am more because I see more, instead of see and realize that do not matter what I see or realize for myself, that I am always equal and one with everyone and everything which exists.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I can make from myself more than others when I will see and realize for myself more, instead of see and realize that through this I am comparing myself with myself and thus judge myself and exist within and as mind polarity design more than/ less than and through this I am participating on system of inequality of myself and accepting the system of inequality as me, thus I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to the mind design as less than / more than as mind polarity design as system of inequality, instead of stop and see and realize for myself who I am here as breath, as life, as my physical body, as equal and one.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that comparison is always judgment of myself and that within this I start to judge people on those who see and realize for themselves and those who do not see and realize anything and through this participate on system and design of more than and less than as mind system design of inequality as those who walk their process I started to see as more than others, instead of stop and see and realize that no one within all existence is more than others or less than others but I am always equal with everything and everyone and thus when I see that I can assist and support someone within moment here, thus I do so.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think the thought that because I see more thus I am more than other, instead of see and realize that I see more just only because I pushed myself and start to walk my process and that those who didn’t walked anything thus they have no chance to realize for themselves anything, thus the fact that they do not see and realize is state of their minds, thus I stop, I see and realize for myself that I am equal to each being here, that because I am walking my process I am not more and never will be, that because I see and realize for myself some points and play outs thus it do not mean that I am more or less, I stop to participate on less / more design and when and as I face the situation or attempt to make from myself more than others, I stop and breathe and release myself from such idea, believe, through self forgiveness.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 50 : Girls and inferiority – You are more wise – Part 4

                At my elementary school age one specific girl came to my attention, I was amazed by her look, long blond hairs, white skin, skinny body, blond eyes, the shapes of her lips and nose, everything on her as body image look was like perfection, that what I created likened towards, and I started to like her image, but not only that.

                When I was attending school that age, I was looking upon her, and I sat on the left side of her at desk, she on the right, and as I was left-hander, and she right-hander, it was easy for me to copy and look into her text book, especially during classes as English or Slovak language, as grammar within this languages was always my failing point, I can say that those times I really do not understood in Slovak language some specifications, why are some things the way they are, why I have to write something differently, why I her something one way but have to write it different way, and in Slovak language, we mostly speak exactly the way of what we write, there are only several differentiations, especially in using letters as y-i in words. But for English language, from certain perspective it was for me horror, as I was not able understand the stupidity of language creation, any why someone create language this way, I liked simplicity.

                But anyway, during classes, lot of times I copied during tests from her, as lot of times I saw she understand stuff better than me, and thus I was looking upon her and she came to me amazing, that she knows and understand everything, and I never considered the point, that during my elementary school ages, i never learned anything at home, when I was home I liked to do everything else and I was learning just in school, even homework’s I always made in school , to push myself to do something and prepare myself to school was simply almost impossible, and I had at the end of school year A marks from all subject except Slovak and English, when I had for both subjects for C. sometimes during that ages I had marks as B, but I never cared for marks, and my father always said that I am learning for myself not for mark or for him, thus it was enough for me. For me it has to be like special moments to push myself and learn something at home, very rare situations, lot of stuff I was able to learn at school and that was enough for me.

                And I was looking upon this girl and perceive myself as less than her, me as inferior just because I do not prepared myself at home, but she did. Lot of times I copied from her homework’s and I hide myself in front of her, I was not able to say or speak with her and reveal the likeness towards her, but my behavior was obvious.

                One at school the girls was asking me why I want to date with her, or why I like her, and why I do not tell it, and I was so shy and feared that they would make fun of me when I will speak the words I would like to, that I rather decide go to offense and insulted her with the words in front of them. Just because I was shy and fear to speak, I spoke direct opposite.

                Many times, during lot of events, she was the girl where my attention always go, I moved myself mostly just because of be in her presence, or when I danced with her, that was moments for me which I really enjoyed as I could touch her, be close to her, obviously separated from her and thus desired to be with her, and also that I had no money and she had more thus I placed myself as inferior in front of her also for a point of not having money, and sometimes I couldn’t attend school events because of money, thus I felt like noting in school ,as other child went on events I would like to be there also, but I had to remain in school. I compared myself towards others and start to differentiate between me and others also through the point of money, of who have or don’t have money. Towards those which had money I was inferior, seeing me as not worthy but I could live with that.

                I started to value me according amount of money I have or do not have, and I started to see others through the money also, and I started to attach the value of humans also through the amount of money they have, not seeing myself that time equal to them and them equal to me, as differentiations at school between us start to be bigger because of money each child received from parents, in meaning, which clothes child’s wear, where they go during holidays, what they eat at school, and so.

                I was lot of times emotional at school, as I was not able to handle the points when sometimes in very specific situations children laugh on me, thus sometimes I cried, but it was even worse as they smiled from me more, thus I decided to hide myself and not present what is going on within me, as I was not able understood anyway what it is and why I allow it. Thus I started to create myself as strong man, showing the ok face and smile face and suppressing everything which touched me, hurt me, and I mostly focused on the points I liked.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to place myself inferior and less than just because of my appearance and appearance of others just because of picture presentations I saw and because as a point of comparing myself with others according the pictures I saw they wear and thus compare myself to others and compare myself according amount of money I had and they had and start to see myself less than them just because of pictures I saw and because of amount of money I perceived they have instead of seeing myself equal to them and them equal to me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to look upon you and perceive you as wiser than me because of your ability to prepare yourself at home for school classes and do not see you equal to me and me equal to you.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to place myself as inferior towards you and you as more than me because of your ability to understand Slovak and English language and me lacking to understand the grammar in such way you did, and not seeing myself as equal to you and you equal to me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me the likeness and positive energy charge towards you and adore you and look upon you because of your hairs, nose, lips, body, and thus limit and diminish myself and separate myself from you, hide my expression and hide myself within and as me because of fear to reveal my likeness towards you and fear that you will not want to like me, date with me, be with me, thus I rather remain hidden and rather find ways how to be close to you but anyway hidden, thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to hide myself in front of you and thus develop within and as me how I can remain hidden and be with you and get positive energy from the point of being with presence of you and can speak with you.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me the positive energy charge within me when we danced together, to like to dance with you as a point of positive energy within me, not seeing you equal to me and myself equal to you, but look upon you and desire to be with you as I separated myself from you thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to desire to be with you, in your presence, to touch you during dancing, to move with you as positive energy creation within and as me and thus follow this energy and suppress myself and limit myself and hide myself in front of you instead of seeing me equal to you and you equal to me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to show you what is going on within me and fear of being rejected by you or that you will laugh on me, and from this develop my shyness and insecurity in front of you and from this insecurity develop myself as a ego where the opposite I showed and presented in front of you.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to hide in front of you and hide myself within and as me, as I separated myself from you not seeing you equal to me but desire to be in your presence just because of your look, of your presentation and of your movements and from this created within and as me positive energy charge and exist within and as mind separation entity from you.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to perceive myself as inferior in front of you because I do not cared to prepare myself at home to school and thus that you did perceive within me as more than me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to exist within and as inferiority /superiority polarity design of the mind towards you instead of seeing you equal to me and myself equal to you.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within and as me my speech and my behavior in front of you as positive energy reflection within and as me, not expressing myself but just positive energy within me I created and thus connect this energy to my words, my speech, my movements, my actions, my smile, my look not seeing what I am doing and why, not realizing that I am not living me but just mind as energy thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to exist within and as mind polarity design of energy as positive/negative.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create my words, my speech, the way how I speak and what I speak according mind polarity design of positive/negative, inferior/superior, good/bad, love/fear, sex/anger, anxiety/excitement and exist within and as mind entity of such energy fluctuations and allowances instead of being here within and as the breath, in and as physical and expressing and living myself as who I really am.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 47 : Girls and Inferiority/Superiority- Me as Polarity zombie

            In my life, I can split my relationships with girls into two sections, those one which I wanted to date with them, when I fall in love with them, overtime it was always them who broke the relationship, as I placed myself as inferior and thus acted that way, and second section, when I perceived a women just as a tool to fulfill my sexual desires, when I didn’t created within me any lovely feelings towards, thus I placed myself as superior and acted according this sexual needs and wants and thus it was me who stopped the relationship, especially when girl showed me or said the she is fallen in love with me.

            I lived as polarity zombie towards girls, those I “loved” I acted as inferior, those I wanted just for “sex” I acted as superior.

            Within this, completely different set up of thoughts emerged within me, and I followed completely two different characters within and as me, created by me, just for fulfilling this energy wants and needs.

            In first scenario, it was placing the girl on pedestal and adoring her, seeing her as more than me, following her instructions, going for her to look her, literally sacrificing myself for everything and in anything just for sake to be with this girl, acting that way, speaking that way, looking upon and perceiving myself just as a tool for her.

            In second scenario, completely different character within me emerged, and I followed this character and acted exactly that way, to just get sex, thus my speech, me actions, followed completely this, to just get sex and fulfill sexual needs and desires, where I placed myself as superior towards women which they obviously liked and I always got what I wanted, absolutely not seeing the being in front of me as a being, but just a tool.

            By paradox, in both scenarios, my actions was just for sake of fulfilling energy needs within me.

            In first scenario, it was feeling of love towards girl, inferiority, sacrificing myself, following, being just a slave, tool, puppet in her hands, desiring, wanting, thinking, picturing, projecting within and as my mind my relationship as our relationship, worshiping and making from her a goddess for myself, desiring the relationship with this goddess and wanting sacrifice myself for her,  and after breaking of relationship the sadness, sorrow, regret, shame, guilt, suicidal thoughts, not seeing meaning in life, seeing myself as loser, as less than, less than girl and other males, destroyed within and as me.

            In second scenario, it was sexual energy, sexual fantasies within and as my mind, pictures, projections, me as the fucking machine, where sex was only one priority and everything else was absolutely irrelevant, me as a winner, me as a superior, me as the one who score and thus making from myself more, male, that one who is strong and no compromise allowed, after breaking the relationship the feeling of being free, single, as I got what I wanted.

            First and second scenario, has been repeating whole my life in cycles, first one 5 or 6 times, second one many more.

            Interestingly, within this, it was still just energy, but just in different perceptions within and as me, created through different set ups of thoughts within and as me.

            In both scenarios, my touches, the way how I kissed girls, the way how I fucked with them, was completely different.

            In first one, I was making from myself to be taken, in second I was taking the girl.

            In both scenarios, I was hidden, just character play-outs, just desires, needs, wants, energy requirement.

            Superiority and Inferiority zombie, I fucked myself completely.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to not see women as equal to me and not see myself as equal to women.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to split myself in front of women into two characters, as inferior character and superior character, where through inferior character I placed and adored women and within superior character I placed women as less than me but not seeing and realizing that within this I am just creating and living polarity of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to place women on pedestal in front of me, adoring and seeing women as more than me, placing myself as a slave for women, looking upon towards women, desiring to be with women and desiring to be in relationship with woman and thus shape my words, my actions, myself and live me as a inferior character towards women.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to desire to sacrifice myself for women as I placed myself as inferior towards them within/as and through feeling of love towards as pictures, where this picture I adored within and as me, where I allowed and accepted to myself to make from myself a puppet for women, a tool and a toy thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to make from myself a puppet for women.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to desire to be in relationship with a woman towards I felt the energy experience as love, where I created within me likeness towards the picture I saw in front of me, not seeing this women as equal to me, and not seeing myself as equal to her, but just following the polarity of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to want, need and prey to be in relationship with girl I felt energy experience perceived within me as love, to adore this women and see her as more than me and see myself just as a toy, puppet and tool for her and accepting and allowing her actions, her words, without questioning as I saw myself as less then.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to speak directly and openly and straight towards women which I placed as more than me, to fear her actions, to fear her decision, to fear that she can reject me and thus let me suffer in and as my feeling of love, to fear that when I will speak thus she will left me, to fear that when I will live myself thus I can’t be with her as I perceived myself as less than her.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to act and live my life in front of women I placed as more than me, instead of realizing and seeing that I am equal to her and seeing her equal to me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to not be comfortable with me, in front of woman which I placed as more than me, and not live and see me, but just see her and her words and her actions and thus follow and let myself to be directed by her as a puppet, sacrificing myself for her within and through fear that she will left me and I will remain alone without the goddess I created from her and thus to fear that I will remain in doom of myself, lonely and without meaning for my life, instead of seeing her as equal to me and see myself as equal to her, and see me as life, as breath here, and live here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that energy experience within me towards women is real and perceive this energy feeling as love, think and believe that I have to fulfill myself with this love, that this love is what I am missing, that this love and this experience of energy is what I am, to think and believe that I can’t live without this love and through this believes place myself as inferior, through this believes start to adore woman in front of me as a picture presentation and not seeing her words, not seeing myself within situation and denying myself and suppressing myself, instead of see and realize that this energy experience is of the mind and I am not the mind, and seeing and realizing myself as equal to her and her equal to me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me the relationship towards woman which I placed more than me through feeling of love as energy within me where I perceived that I need and require this energy to live, to live for her and that thanks to this energy my life have meaning and thus suppress myself and hide myself where I believed that without this energy which I perceived is fulfilling me I can’t live, that without this energy I am nothing and not worthy and thus I have to adore this women and follow her and make from myself a puppet, toy and tool for her and thus diminish myself and not live me but to live for her where I believed that when she will left me I will be doomed forever and that I will never love again and that I will not experience this feeling anymore where I thought and believed that this energy feeling of love is something which is giving myself a meaning, which I making myself to be alive, where I think and believe that I am alive when I experience this feeling and within this think and believe that I am happy and that I need to sustain this energy as love to be happy and experience joy in my life and in such believes fear to speak, fear to act and live myself as within and as this fear I believed that I will be doomed and that I will live in sorrow, regret and shame that I lost my precious love, my precious darling and my precious goddess and thus diminish myself and my expression not seeing me and not seeing her but just this energy feeling within me where I believe that without this energy I am worthless, lonely, rejected and thrown away and not seeing and realizing who I am as life, not seeing and realizing who I am here, not living myself here but just in polarity within and as my mind of desires, wants and needs to fulfill myself with energy perceived as love and fear to be rejected because of my actions and words and fear that when I will be rejected thus I will remain doomed and thrown away and that I will remain live in regret, shame and sorrow forever as I placed myself as unworthy and inferior towards goddess and thus fear to act and live myself in front of this goddess and fear that goddess will left me and I will just remain as lonely nothing in sorrow and pain within me where I wanted and desired to be saved be goddess as woman in front of me, as I perceived and believed that only her can give myself meaning and that only her can fulfill me and that only her I can live for and that only her can give meaning to my life, instead of me giving meaning to my life, instead of me seeing myself equal within and as me with her, instead of seeing and realizing that she is equal to me and that it is only me who can fulfill me, that it is only me who can love me, that it is only me who can be comfortable with me, that it is my who can notice me and that I do not require any external point as goddess/woman in front of me to love my, to like me, to be ok with me, to enjoy me, to give meaning to myself and my life, to live here as breath of life.

I commit myself to do not allow myself to place myself inferior in front of any woman, I commit myself to remain here within and as my breath, as my stability, as my life, where I am giving myself the meaning and living myself.

I commit myself to do not allow any picture of women to influence me to place myself as less than but see each woman as equal to me and see myself as equal to her.

I commit myself to do not allow any desire, want and need to be with a woman, to influence me, but investigate the point why I desire her, wanting her or need her, forgive myself and let go.

I commit myself to do not allow placing myself as inferior in front of any woman but see myself as equal to her and see her equal to me.

I commit myself to communicate with women without desire to be in relationship, to stop desire to be in relationship, and when I will see and realize that this desire is coming up within me I focus on my breath, I focus on physical what is here and I breathe and remain stable within and as me as my own stability and do not allow to place myself as inferior towards woman but see myself as equal to her and her equal to me.

To be continued…

Thanks, Juraj