Day 47 : Girls and Inferiority/Superiority- Me as Polarity zombie

            In my life, I can split my relationships with girls into two sections, those one which I wanted to date with them, when I fall in love with them, overtime it was always them who broke the relationship, as I placed myself as inferior and thus acted that way, and second section, when I perceived a women just as a tool to fulfill my sexual desires, when I didn’t created within me any lovely feelings towards, thus I placed myself as superior and acted according this sexual needs and wants and thus it was me who stopped the relationship, especially when girl showed me or said the she is fallen in love with me.

            I lived as polarity zombie towards girls, those I “loved” I acted as inferior, those I wanted just for “sex” I acted as superior.

            Within this, completely different set up of thoughts emerged within me, and I followed completely two different characters within and as me, created by me, just for fulfilling this energy wants and needs.

            In first scenario, it was placing the girl on pedestal and adoring her, seeing her as more than me, following her instructions, going for her to look her, literally sacrificing myself for everything and in anything just for sake to be with this girl, acting that way, speaking that way, looking upon and perceiving myself just as a tool for her.

            In second scenario, completely different character within me emerged, and I followed this character and acted exactly that way, to just get sex, thus my speech, me actions, followed completely this, to just get sex and fulfill sexual needs and desires, where I placed myself as superior towards women which they obviously liked and I always got what I wanted, absolutely not seeing the being in front of me as a being, but just a tool.

            By paradox, in both scenarios, my actions was just for sake of fulfilling energy needs within me.

            In first scenario, it was feeling of love towards girl, inferiority, sacrificing myself, following, being just a slave, tool, puppet in her hands, desiring, wanting, thinking, picturing, projecting within and as my mind my relationship as our relationship, worshiping and making from her a goddess for myself, desiring the relationship with this goddess and wanting sacrifice myself for her,  and after breaking of relationship the sadness, sorrow, regret, shame, guilt, suicidal thoughts, not seeing meaning in life, seeing myself as loser, as less than, less than girl and other males, destroyed within and as me.

            In second scenario, it was sexual energy, sexual fantasies within and as my mind, pictures, projections, me as the fucking machine, where sex was only one priority and everything else was absolutely irrelevant, me as a winner, me as a superior, me as the one who score and thus making from myself more, male, that one who is strong and no compromise allowed, after breaking the relationship the feeling of being free, single, as I got what I wanted.

            First and second scenario, has been repeating whole my life in cycles, first one 5 or 6 times, second one many more.

            Interestingly, within this, it was still just energy, but just in different perceptions within and as me, created through different set ups of thoughts within and as me.

            In both scenarios, my touches, the way how I kissed girls, the way how I fucked with them, was completely different.

            In first one, I was making from myself to be taken, in second I was taking the girl.

            In both scenarios, I was hidden, just character play-outs, just desires, needs, wants, energy requirement.

            Superiority and Inferiority zombie, I fucked myself completely.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to not see women as equal to me and not see myself as equal to women.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to split myself in front of women into two characters, as inferior character and superior character, where through inferior character I placed and adored women and within superior character I placed women as less than me but not seeing and realizing that within this I am just creating and living polarity of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to place women on pedestal in front of me, adoring and seeing women as more than me, placing myself as a slave for women, looking upon towards women, desiring to be with women and desiring to be in relationship with woman and thus shape my words, my actions, myself and live me as a inferior character towards women.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to desire to sacrifice myself for women as I placed myself as inferior towards them within/as and through feeling of love towards as pictures, where this picture I adored within and as me, where I allowed and accepted to myself to make from myself a puppet for women, a tool and a toy thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to make from myself a puppet for women.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to desire to be in relationship with a woman towards I felt the energy experience as love, where I created within me likeness towards the picture I saw in front of me, not seeing this women as equal to me, and not seeing myself as equal to her, but just following the polarity of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to want, need and prey to be in relationship with girl I felt energy experience perceived within me as love, to adore this women and see her as more than me and see myself just as a toy, puppet and tool for her and accepting and allowing her actions, her words, without questioning as I saw myself as less then.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to speak directly and openly and straight towards women which I placed as more than me, to fear her actions, to fear her decision, to fear that she can reject me and thus let me suffer in and as my feeling of love, to fear that when I will speak thus she will left me, to fear that when I will live myself thus I can’t be with her as I perceived myself as less than her.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to act and live my life in front of women I placed as more than me, instead of realizing and seeing that I am equal to her and seeing her equal to me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to not be comfortable with me, in front of woman which I placed as more than me, and not live and see me, but just see her and her words and her actions and thus follow and let myself to be directed by her as a puppet, sacrificing myself for her within and through fear that she will left me and I will remain alone without the goddess I created from her and thus to fear that I will remain in doom of myself, lonely and without meaning for my life, instead of seeing her as equal to me and see myself as equal to her, and see me as life, as breath here, and live here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that energy experience within me towards women is real and perceive this energy feeling as love, think and believe that I have to fulfill myself with this love, that this love is what I am missing, that this love and this experience of energy is what I am, to think and believe that I can’t live without this love and through this believes place myself as inferior, through this believes start to adore woman in front of me as a picture presentation and not seeing her words, not seeing myself within situation and denying myself and suppressing myself, instead of see and realize that this energy experience is of the mind and I am not the mind, and seeing and realizing myself as equal to her and her equal to me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me the relationship towards woman which I placed more than me through feeling of love as energy within me where I perceived that I need and require this energy to live, to live for her and that thanks to this energy my life have meaning and thus suppress myself and hide myself where I believed that without this energy which I perceived is fulfilling me I can’t live, that without this energy I am nothing and not worthy and thus I have to adore this women and follow her and make from myself a puppet, toy and tool for her and thus diminish myself and not live me but to live for her where I believed that when she will left me I will be doomed forever and that I will never love again and that I will not experience this feeling anymore where I thought and believed that this energy feeling of love is something which is giving myself a meaning, which I making myself to be alive, where I think and believe that I am alive when I experience this feeling and within this think and believe that I am happy and that I need to sustain this energy as love to be happy and experience joy in my life and in such believes fear to speak, fear to act and live myself as within and as this fear I believed that I will be doomed and that I will live in sorrow, regret and shame that I lost my precious love, my precious darling and my precious goddess and thus diminish myself and my expression not seeing me and not seeing her but just this energy feeling within me where I believe that without this energy I am worthless, lonely, rejected and thrown away and not seeing and realizing who I am as life, not seeing and realizing who I am here, not living myself here but just in polarity within and as my mind of desires, wants and needs to fulfill myself with energy perceived as love and fear to be rejected because of my actions and words and fear that when I will be rejected thus I will remain doomed and thrown away and that I will remain live in regret, shame and sorrow forever as I placed myself as unworthy and inferior towards goddess and thus fear to act and live myself in front of this goddess and fear that goddess will left me and I will just remain as lonely nothing in sorrow and pain within me where I wanted and desired to be saved be goddess as woman in front of me, as I perceived and believed that only her can give myself meaning and that only her can fulfill me and that only her I can live for and that only her can give meaning to my life, instead of me giving meaning to my life, instead of me seeing myself equal within and as me with her, instead of seeing and realizing that she is equal to me and that it is only me who can fulfill me, that it is only me who can love me, that it is only me who can be comfortable with me, that it is my who can notice me and that I do not require any external point as goddess/woman in front of me to love my, to like me, to be ok with me, to enjoy me, to give meaning to myself and my life, to live here as breath of life.

I commit myself to do not allow myself to place myself inferior in front of any woman, I commit myself to remain here within and as my breath, as my stability, as my life, where I am giving myself the meaning and living myself.

I commit myself to do not allow any picture of women to influence me to place myself as less than but see each woman as equal to me and see myself as equal to her.

I commit myself to do not allow any desire, want and need to be with a woman, to influence me, but investigate the point why I desire her, wanting her or need her, forgive myself and let go.

I commit myself to do not allow placing myself as inferior in front of any woman but see myself as equal to her and see her equal to me.

I commit myself to communicate with women without desire to be in relationship, to stop desire to be in relationship, and when I will see and realize that this desire is coming up within me I focus on my breath, I focus on physical what is here and I breathe and remain stable within and as me as my own stability and do not allow to place myself as inferior towards woman but see myself as equal to her and her equal to me.

To be continued…

Thanks, Juraj

Day 46 : Starting point for change

                I realized, as a young boy, as I saw a females, they movements, speech, attitude, I placed women on the side as – they are better than males, they are the more soft gender, they are more good persona.

               

                I placed woman at certain manner at pedestal in front of me, and I adored women as the being which seemingly are better as males and I wanted to be a better persona because I saw the “ goodness “ in females.

                I was wrong.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to want to change myself and be better person because of women thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to want to prove to women that I can change and be better person instead of realizing and seeing that the starting point to change myself have to be self, as who I am as breath of life here, thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to want to change myself and be better person because I placed women as better than males and thus allowed and accepted to myself to looking upon the females thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to perceive, think and believe that females are more than males as I placed them as more than me, thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe about myself that I am inferior towards females and that I am less than females instead of realizing that I am equal and one with them thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to speak with females directly and to fear what females will think about myself and to fear how they will behave towards me if I will speak to them directly thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself change myself because of females instead of seeing and realizing that my starting point to change myself have to be self as me as who I am as breath of life here thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to live the desire to be a better person in front of females instead of realizing that it is me who have to wants to be better in front of myself and not in front of others and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to perceive the females as my savior and desire and want to be in presence of females as my savior of being a better person, instead of realizing that through such desire I am led just be desire and not as self movement as self realization thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to desire to be with a woman as my savior and some one who will show me how to live , what to do as my mother showed me through polarities system how I should live and what I should follow as good and bed and how I should behave towards females thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to behave towards females as polarity friction between good/bad instead of being here and expressing myself here within and as moment of my breath, thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not stand for myself and for my breath as my breath here but just follow program and script how I should behave in front of females.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 36 : The future will never come

                I realized, that anything what I place within my mind to the future, thus it will never come, as it is already placed through separation to the future and what is here is thus not seen and not understood.

                No shortcut exist, no overlap, no jumping, as it is simply no possible as one moment end just only new one can come, one by one and anything what is place in mind in future thus is not real as it is idea, believe, desire, fear, or whatever else but it is not here.

                It is interesting, as I realized that this looking to the future, or placing “things” to the future, is like automatic way of living, where also expectations plays significant role.

                But can life expect anything? Can matter expect something to the future what will happen?

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to expect things that will happen by itself without my actions or participation, instead of making things happen.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to place fears, desires, expectations, ideas, believes to the future and thus create within me future projections about reality and how reality should works and what should happen instead of focusing on my breath, on my body, reality where I am with my body and thus solve that what is here and not that what is created within and as my mind as future projections thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to solve within my mind future projections instead of solving that what is here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not participate on that what I do not understand and create within me the fear and resistance towards that what I do not know, instead of pushing myself and find out.

Thanks, Juraj

The change

                Today I am dropping my job as I am moving to new one, one side it is like dropping something which bounded me and within this uncertainty about new job place.

                I do not fear it, it is like unknown but lot of parameters is known, because I know myself to certain degree. From one perspective I am “ excited “ in meaning, what I will have to face and what I will learn about myself or about others.

                It is like doing a line for the past, I faced interesting points and now as I see it I would not be able to see it without facing it.

                To face who I am, to face my creation.

Thanks, Juraj