Day 144 : Defined as a male

                Obviously, during my “life time” I defined myself as a male, just purely because of design of my body, and this seeing me as a male became my direction and my living, without any understanding that I just made ideas, believes, projections about me, as what it means to be a male, behave as a male, speak or move.

                I was not aware that this seeing me this way is my trap and illusion of me, therefore not real.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see myself and define myself as a male, and through this create about me ideas, believes, perceptions, as how I have to move, speak and behave as a definitions of myself within my mind, not seeing and realizing that I am here, in and as breath of life, and not seeing and realizing that by my own self definitions I forgot to live, to be life, to be here and express and live myself in self honesty within and as me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that because my body has male design, thus I have power and control, not seeing and realizing that I never had any power and any control, as I became the mind, the idea, believe, the perception created, shaped and molded by others through observing, copying and accepting to live in and as polarities of the mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from my physical body through ideas, believes and perceptions about myself as what it means to be a male, not seeing and realizing that I am this physical body, living here within and as present moment.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see nature of me and want to hide and suppress that what I became, as the point of not having to face myself and see and realize how I exist.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 119 : I am male EGO – Woman can’t pay for me

                Several times, I experienced within moments when woman paid for myself in the restaurant, or at coffee bar, nervousness, the perception that I am a male and I should not allow woman to pay came almost always to my mind.

                I felt always uncomfortable, and I had problems to accept the point that woman paid, as the perception, believe and idea that I as a male should show woman that I have money, that I am able to pay, that I must pay for woman, especially for the one I would like to be with, date with, be in relationship with.

                If I had money to pay, I always wanted to be the one who pay, and show that I can, and if woman wanted to pay I felt bad about myself, as perception that I can’t accept that, that I am the one who have to pay, as believe that me as male should always be the one who show money, thus my self definitions and my self brainwashing within and as money and woman became clear.

                Or that I as a male, when became short of money, that it is unacceptable to speak true that I have no money in front of woman, or that I am less if I am short of money, or that the way how woman will look on me will change if I will say true that I have no money.

                The brainwashing of myself, in front of woman, and different attitude to those which I would like to be with, almost ruined me from certain perspective, and finally I had to come out with true, that I am without money. After this, the perception, believe come up, that me as a male is less than, if I run out of money, because if I would take responsibility for myself thus this would never happen.

                What this showed me, is quite interesting, also the perception and idea that thus I came out of money, thus I have no “right” to ask a woman to be with me, because if I am without money, thus I am not worthy, or that she do not want to be with me, as how she could if I am not with money.

                The perception, idea and believe that girls look on money and scan a male through a money as potential partner became part of me, as this I saw uncountable many times. As per saying – No money – no love. And by paradox, I do not wanted to buy love of the woman, but show myself in a light of a male with money, even when I was short of and I really couldn’t afford to pay anything, I was dishonest with me many times and rather paid that what I couldn’t afford, just to do not have to say I can’t.

                The brainwashing of myself, when woman supported me with money, and the experience that I am less than, unworthy or not interesting came up, and idea, believe, perception and guessing how she perceive myself now, if I placed myself into such situation.

                My self definitions as a male, towards the money and a woman, became quite simple, as perception that I have always show that I have money, even when I was in bad situation, by paradox I went to that bad situation just because I was dishonest with myself, and spent money the way I couldn’t afford.

                And everything what was just required, was just my own self honesty, within many different situations in front of women.

                It is so simple, just be self honest. That’s all.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I have to show woman that I have money and that through this I will be interesting for her, that I have to always pay and that I have to act the way to do not show that I am short of money.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that if I will say to woman that I am short of money, that I will not be interesting for the and that she would like not want to be with me, speak with me, be in my presence.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I can’t accept that woman will pay for myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that if I will say that I do not have money, that I am unworthy in the eyes of woman.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to define myself through money as a male as a male EGO where I thought and believe that me as male have to show that I am able to get money for everything what is necessary and if not thus I am less than others.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to compare myself with other males and the amount of money I have and they and through this see myself and compare and define myself as less than if I compared myself with those ones which have more money than me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I can be in relationship with girl only when I will show her that I have money and that she will accept me only if I will show that I have money.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not accept myself as human being but instead define myself and my life through money I have or I do not have.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to define relationship between male and female through money and that I as a male have to make sure money are maintained.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am not such good as others if I do not have money.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to feel bad about myself and experience myself in resistance, rejection and resistance when woman paid for myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to feel negative energy as self definition of not being good enough if female supported me with money, paid for myself or bought something for myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not accept the equality within using of money between male and female.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to act in front of myself in self dishonesty in using of money in front of woman I was interested in for possible relationship.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be dishonest with me in using of money, and do not consider practical point with using of money.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that self dishonesty with using of money is ok.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from money and do not accept money just as a tool within the system for practical points, how I can support myself and others.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to judge myself as being bad or unworthy if I ran out of money, instead of see and realize that everything what was required for myself was just be self honest within and as me with using of money, no matter what moment, point, or person I am facing.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that girls always scan male through amount of money male have and thus through this decide about male as possible partner or not.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to judge women as those ones which looks on male only through money, instead of see and realize that it was me who was looking on myself through money.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see my through money and amount of money I have or do not have, and within this participate in mind design of more than and less than and follow the mind design of superiority and inferiority.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fuck up myself with money and define myself just because of papers with colors on and through coins, instead of see practicality of money within system.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that if I have no money thus I have no right to want to be with woman in relationship, or to be in presence of woman, because of self judgment of not being good enough or not being worthy.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not take responsibility for myself and for money I earn ,get, and act with money in self dishonest way and thus create for myself and others consequences which could be easily stopped, instead of see and realize that I can’t put my life into emergency or life of others because of not wanting take self responsibility for money, that I have accept myself as myself and use it the way to support myself and others.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create not necessary consequences with using of money in self dishonest way, because of not wanting take self responsibility and see and realize what money really is within system.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see life through money, define life through money and thus enslave life into and as illusion of money.

Thanks, Juraj

               

Day 108 : Males and Females – I am not good enough as women

                The perception of me, that I am not good enough as women comes from comparison of myself as male and females, as when I was just a boy the girl has been always presented to me as those ones which are better than males. Thus I started to believe, that males are those ones which are bad and girls those which are good.

                Thus I believed, that me as a male , have to make something to prove that I can be good as a woman, not seeing and realizing that time, that nothing like good female or bad male exists, as by nature, females and males are equally “ bad “ in nature of functioning as the minds.

                As the nature of the mind is generate energy and thus destroy the physical, thus in nature each male and each female are the same in meaning of destroying own body and drain life fore from it, till the end.

                But me, as a boy I always saw myself through judgment of me that I am not that good as girls are, just only because of brainwashing of society and behavioral characteristics I saw in girls and in boys.

                And this is silly, we are all the same.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see girls and females as those ones which are good and males those which are bad.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to judge myself and see myself as not such good as females, and thus judge myself as bad.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that something like good exist in humans.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that me as a male have to prove to female that I can be good as females are.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that only to who I can prove anything is myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see myself as that one which have to be more good, to prove that I am good person.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I have to be good person, and this good define as doing good things, in perception, that doing this good things my parents showed me makes from me good person.

Thanks, Juraj