Day 72 : Relationship : Energy as Love – Love as delusion

                Within acceptance and allowance of ideas and believes of love as energy feelings within me, I deluded myself many times, sometimes to such degree, that I thought that when I will lose this “love” thus I will die.

                As I accepted to separate myself from each parts of me I consist of and exist as, thus I started to relate to parts of me I separated myself from according judgment and brainwashing of society and thus desire to be in relationship and feel and experience this love, as energy, as feeling, as many times in my life I tried to find answers what it is what I experience and why, but with no success thus I really believed that I loved girls I dated with, and thus I presented them each lies possible and each deception of myself I lived to sustain and maintain this feeling of love within me.

                True of me is, that I never loved any girl I dated with, as it was impossible, as it was just my energy created within me and likeness created towards this energy which has nothing to do with real love. How I could love anybody that times, when I was not able to comprehend just any single thought within me and any energy experience I lived, it was simply not possible.

                It is impossible to love someone, if separation exists, as love, real true love, is equality.

                Equality is love, true love of self towards self and each parts of self, where each parts are considered equally.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that love is energy experience and likeness of this energy within and as me and that I need this energy and that I require this energy, instead of seeing and realizing for myself that because I separated from myself through fear of me thus I started to relate to me and desire me and thus think and believe that energy I created within and as me through acceptance and allowance of separation and fear is love, and that this likeness within me of this energy is love towards other being, instead of seeing and realizing that it was deception of me, deception and lie of me, instead of seeing and realizing that love is equality of me as considerations each parts of me equally and thus taking attention to all parts of me equally.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from myself and from my body as physical and thus think and believe that I need and require love, instead of loving me, loving each parts of me as who I am as physical, as breath of life here, instead of each moment enjoy me and the presence of me here, instead of love me unconditionally as everything what I exist as and consist of as life.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from female gender, from males, from nature, from animal kingdom, from physical, from everything and everyone here and through acceptance and allowance of this separation start to relate to each parts of me I thought and believed are not me, and thus start to desire to be with me through feeling of love, to live with other as female because of wanting and desiring this energy experience of love created and accepted through ideas and believes about love as energy feeling and likeness towards female, instead of love me and fulfill me and my body as life here, instead of love myself equal and everything I exist as and consist of as physical, as breath of life here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from myself through fear of sound, through fear of words, through fear of noise and through judgment of sound, and thus separate myself from myself as living word as sound and thus think and believe that it is impossible that I am sound, that it is impossible that I am words I speak, and rather turn into illusion of mind as ideas and believes and projections what I could possibly be, instead of seeing and realizing that I am not thoughts within and as my mind, that I am not illusions, projections, ideas, believes about me, instead of seeing and realizing that I am here, as physical as sound as silence of me as me, as life.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate from myself and from the words I speak through fear of me and thus start to abuse my words, start to relate and judge with me words, start to live hidden within and as my mind as thoughts, ideas and believes about me, instead of seeing and realizing that I am here as physical, as my body which is always here, as word as sound as life.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate from myself and thus desire to be loved and desire to love, instead of love myself as equal and one as everything is exists as physical and thus live me here as expression of love as me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate from myself through fear and idea and believe that I need to find myself and that I need to find my lost second part, and that I need and require to be loved, instead of see and realize that I am here, one and complete, instead of love myself and fulfill myself as completion of me as life, as expression of me as life as love as who I am here as sound.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to limit myself and my expression of me as life as love through separation from myself, through fear of myself, through relationships towards me created and accepted within my mind, instead of see and realize that limitation is of the mind, as mind is limited, instead of realize that limitation is fear, that limitation is illusion and that I am not limitation and that I am not mind, instead of see and realize that I am limitless as expression of me as sound.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 33 : Pissed off about limitation, pissed off about myself

                I had strong reactions against one human, in meaning, of how limited is point of view of this human and the way of behavior towards me, how this persona act only from perspective of self interest and do not consider absolutely anything just only own point of view and how limited it is.

                Thus I became curious what it is, why I am so pissed off about this persona, why I am angry of this persona, and why I allowed back chat towards this persona, and therefore what this persona is saying about me, where and how I allowed myself to be fucked and limited.

                I realized, my own limitations, it is my own limitation I see I am pissed about. I was pissed about myself and about me as I see that me points of view, are still so limited, what I realize is still so limited, and thus I was pissed about myself how come that I was not able to see who this persona is in front of me, and I could experience how it is, if I act/acted the way where I considered only me, myself, and do not cared about others.

                It is great shit as I see now, self interest, where only one point is seen as myself as ego is really great shit, from perspective, how abuse and manipulation is allowed and thus became the direction of one’s life.

                I am bit shocked, self interest, as ego, is from certain perspective disgusting, this persona, is innocent in own actions and words, but I realized, how it is, when one act and speak in sake of self interest, it is limitation and it is blindness to reality, to life, to self, to others, to everything.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not see and realize that when I act as ego in self interest thus actually I am blind and limited by the mind as the mind where I follow mind as search for energy and satisfaction thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to limit myself through and as ego of the mind as self interest.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to be angry on myself and pissed off about myself as and on my own limitations and blindness as desire to want to see and realize more thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to be angry on myself because I see and realize that I am limited and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to be angry on myself because of my own limitations instead of searching and investigating how I can break my own limitations.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not see and realize that I can’t break my own limitations at once but I have to walk my process step by step, breath by breath, within and as breath and do not allow myself to spent time in mind.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 27 : Limitation unlimited

                I experience myself to be limited, extremely limited, why? Obviously, it was me who allowed to be limited, as in my life I had no understanding a shit about the mind, thus I allowed everything, and here, I am like, I see but I see that my seeing is so limited. I realized lot of points, but my realizations just come from limits which I was able to break within me.

                 I dare to say, that even what I am aware of is extremely limited. It is like wanting to expand, to grow, to be aware everything what I really am, but the experience of me is like suppressed, I suppressed the experience of who I am and I became my own limitation.

                How I can expand? How I can break my limitations? Can I break all of them at once? Or I just have to go one by one? Or I just realize that this limitation is not real and I’ll wake up from this horror of limitation? Yes, it came to me like horror.

                How I’ll become equal with all parts of me? It is fear why I separated myself from myself? Or it is just energy? Or it is a mixture of everything which mind consists of and therefore I can’t even see directly all points I became limited and enslaved into?

                Did I really diminished and suppressed my expression so fuckingly cleverly hard, that here I experience myself to became my total limitation?

                I experience nothing, just this vast limitation of me which I became.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to limit and suppress my self expression.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think and believe that I have to be limited and that I have to live limited according rules/dogmas/believes/needs/ desires/perceptions/ feelings/emotions of the mind thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to do not see and realize that limitation is self created illusion as a prison through very acceptance and allowance of each one component of mind thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to imprison myself into self created illusion of who I am as mind and live this illusion.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to separate myself from my physical body and suppress my expression as who I really am as a body as a flesh as that what is matter and became just and illusion living in the mind as the mind thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to became equal with the mind not realizing that through this I am allowing to separate myself from myself in each part which my body consist of and not seeing and realizing that I became just living entity within my body separated from the part of my body thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think and believe that what is of the mind is more than my physical body through believe in soul as a dogma that soul is immortal and body as flesh die, instead of realizing that what is real is just this flesh and just this matter as physical thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to limit and diminish my expression and oneness with my body as flesh through believes about a soul not seeing that I am suppressing myself as who I really am and imprisoning myself into a mind through allowance of such believes and ideas about a life thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think and believe that life is about that what I experience within me as me as a feeling and emotions not seeing that none of them are real and just suppress through this believe myself and my real expression thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to live and express myself according feelings/emotions and components which mind consist of as a desires / fears / wants / needs / believes / ideas / perceptions / self interest / selfishness / ego thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to separate from my body and became just the mind and live just as the mind not honoring m body as that what is real but giving attention and power to my mind and glorifying the illusion of me as me as the mind thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to do not want to be equal and one with my body as a flesh as a physical but just only with that what is of the mind as that is all I know and as that is what I ever think and believe that I could be thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think and believe that I can be only mind and that what is of the mind not seeing and searching how to break my own created limitations and how to stop all separation I allowed and accepted so I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to do not stand up for my body and equalize myself with my body and became equal and one with mind and body as one.

Thanks, Juraj

Break the limitation

               
                I have been invited to attend the team building party, immediately I refused as lot of points emerged, the most prominent the resistance to go there.

                I looked on excuses which I can possibly use why not attend, then tiredness I experienced, then feelings/emotions, I connected to that and then on resistance I experienced towards such event, mostly because I knew people will drink alcohol.

                I sat comfortable on the chair and only me breathing, I cleared my mind and stopped everything, just me breathing, I let my body moves, tension in neck has been released and all resistances I had, simply has gone and I decided to go there no matter what could possibly emerge during event. And no matter what the mind is showing me. Even tiredness I experienced simply was not here and I was like after very refreshing resting, and it took only few minutes.

                When I came to event, there was nothing within me and I started to enjoy it, speaking with the people, and I wanted to dance and I even did for a moment without music, lol, it was not dancing place, just like pub where people meet and drink.

                I didn’t drink alcohol as this drug is saying nothing to me, and it was interesting to look on people, how their behavior change, their speech and how they change their voices, and what type of mind games started to take place. They even did not notice.

                I enjoyed myself and mostly the point, I pushed myself and broke one of my limitation.

Thanks, Juraj

               

Limitation

I experience pain, intensive pain, this pain is with me everywhere I am. Even hard to describe this pain, never experienced before.

It is not pain of feelings/emotions it is not pain of unfulfilled something, it is pain in my spine, in my chest, in my scapulas in my neck. It seems that this pain is compounding, day by day I experience it more and more.

Scapulas relate to limitation system, but as I search within me, I can’t see it. If I can’t see my own limitations, I must become my own limitation.

Information and knowledge, that’s my own limitation, everything I know and everything I can grasp, at the same time I am enslaving myself into it. Definitions created to each particular information I lived, it is infused in me, with me.

Want to drop it all, realized it is not possible, how can I drop what I lived and become it? I can’t drop it just like throw something on the floor, I have to defuse myself from it, purify myself and my body.

I have to forgive each one idea I had, each one self definitions to that ideas, I had to drop all believes, I had to drop everything what was lived not of life, all which is of systems, of the mind.

This will take some moments, one by one, to remain just only me, here.

Thanks, Juraj