Day 173: Time has come - Lengthy process of Trial and error

                Some moments passed, within my life, when I came to read the words – “Lengthy process of Trial and error”, and this words, seems to be simple, but what this means and represents, within process, is different story, as behind those just few words, are tons of points, and those words has been spoken by Bernard.

                For me, Bernard, was someone who was able to piss me off so genuinely, that his words was so pure and true, that my state of being pissed off could last only few moments, as I was able to see what he is speaking, but yet, not following what I see for me I want to exactly, despite of fact that I simply had to agree of his words, as truth is simply truth and there are no versions.

                I was not able to stood up for me, expand my potential the way I am capable of, support me the way I am doable, and Bernard, did for me the most, but way that I will eventually come to the point of starting to see what process really is, what is standing for something, what it means to let go the past, who I am and why I am, how I created myself, I was never able to give up to introspect my past, me, who I as within my life,  why I was, my decisions and starting to sort out me.

                Bernard offered me life, as life what life really is. He offered my joy, freedom, patience, discipline, skills, abilities, wisdom, and truth, seeing, understanding, carrying, being, living, love, me.

                Sunnette offered me the same different way.

                I was curious, how come, someone can offer me so much and do not want anything back?

                Anu, Enlil, Enki, Marduk, Jack, Veno, MyKey, Winged, and others showed me existence beyond mind imagination, and thus I came through most shocking realizations about myself, shocking such way and so deeply, that nothing and no one has power to bullshit me about us, mankind.

                World, as it is, do not know, do not see, is not aware who Bernard was, and what this man, just one, was capable to proceed, and what he did for everyone equally, world do not know, what world lost with los of this man.

                But here are others, which are able to see his words, and these beings walk their processes, and thus message of equality and oneness will be spread to all parts of the world, and continue and live as we will live our words.

                Bernard, and his words, resonated within me and I had to investigate, I had to see for myself, I had to realize what his words means, I had to and thus I decided to go on way of Trial and Error, as I had to prove to me, how I work, who I am, why I am, what I created for me and which way of live I decided to live for me. The way I went through some points was so extreme, that I am sometimes surprised that I am still here, but yes I am. This was really not necessary, it was not required, I could choose more peaceful way, I could but I didn’t. I could many things and once Bernard said these words to me – “you could prevent this”. I was pissed off by these 4 words so much, because yet those words were true, but for me extremely painful, because many realizations came after fail but it was too late, too late go back and took on the point differently, make other decision, or change anything, once things are done, it is over, finite, end, past and nothing more just memory of what has been done.

                I was pissed off because of me seeing his words and what his words means, yet acting many times in direct opposite of what I saw for me. But to understand for me, what I act, the way I act, was so important and crucial that I risked my life many times for this, I risked everything and I lost everything and everyone, I lost all but nothing.

                Give up all to see you gave up nothing, I choose for me very rough way, full of pain, agony, regret, almost insanity, and it was only me who decided to walk my process such way, and nothing of this was necessary, but for me, because of point of decision, direction, to see and realize.

                To see points coming up from unconscious believes, formed in early stage of my life, was leading me to self-destruction, because of my benevolence.

                My benevolence, of letting my mind to decide, letting still my mind power, letting my mind to show me where I will go or will be if I let mind decide, was not quite beneficial decision for me, yet again same way crucial to came to decision, that this way, simply is no more way I want to live, by any means.

                I simply had enough some would be shocked and would not believe if I would write what I came through in last 2 years, and especially why.

                I could use many words, but only one describes everything best, EGO.

                After all and everything I have done unto me, I simply surrender walk and live my life as EGO. I see why and where I led me as EGO, fine, this is done. I capitulate and surrender as EGO.

                Bernard said about EGO so many points, and my investigation and living me as EGO was extreme, I was many relations of his words with and as my life, my decision, and again I came to realization and seeing his explanations, and what this all represents.

                Within this, I had to come to decisions for me, to re-take what has been by my benevolence let as points of direction for my mind, and to take all my power back to me, where this power as me as being as direction of me belongs.

                Mind had authority over me almost all my life, except within some specific points in last 6 years, and this authority is not where this belongs, as simply, it is useless and serve for nothing.

                Everything I have done, and came through will be not in vein, and everything of me as me will expand to the utmost potential possible.

                Vastness of dimensions of mind, looked difficult and hard to comprehend, to put everything together, yet I have proven that this is possible to walk and stand in equality and oneness.

                One of my decision is, that my blog will be no more public, as I have to go into every intricate detail of my mind, I have to go and see utmost seemingly irrelevant blink of my life, I have to go into each possible detail of me, everything I created myself as, because if I would not, I would be never able to complete what I decided to complete for me.

                Therefore, this is last blog which is displayed publicly, and new one will be created, where access to that blog will be given only to those, which are part of Desteni, walk their process, and are part of Leadership forum.

                If over time other blogs will be posted publicly, is part of future decision.

Thanks, Juraj

                

Day 104 : What is walked is walked.

                I had a tendency, within my process, to judge myself because of my falls, and therefore focus on my falls rather take into consideration my process as a whole, and thus see and realize the points I walked already for myself.

                Within this, I had tendency to see my process through my falls, instead of see myself as a being, learning what standing really is, walking the process in my own complexity, integrity and utilize each points to simply walk, no matter what.

                The point which I realized is, that why I fall in specific pattern is, that I was simply not able to see everything which has been connected to this point which and when I decided walk it, and thus fall was inevitable because point has not been walked in its own entirety.

                And thus here I see, that I had also tendency to disregard myself and my process because of this falls, instead of see and take into consideration that simply I was not prepared to take on some points, or that I was not able to see everything and anything which I allowed to myself to live as a system as relationships to this points.

                I am not saying here, that because of this I can take it the way that ok, I can fall because it do not matter or that I am not prepared to walk specific points, no. I am saying, that when I fall, ok, I will not judge me, I will not disregard myself and my process, and thus I will not disregard my walking, but I will utilize this fall to see and realize why I accepted and allowed to myself to fall, what this fall is saying about myself, what was the points I fall, and therefore I utilize my falls for my standing.

                Interestingly, I feared to fall but this was silly, as what is real standing and simply not accepting and allowing the mind to direct me, requires simply self trust, self honesty, self introspection, simply be here and thus see and realize what is going on within and without.  

                And disregard ones process for one fall is simply stupid, as this one point can’t determine ones walking of process, as I am in process of learning what equality and oneness really is, and within this, I see and realize that I am learning to myself to see who I am here, to see what is here, to see myself and others equally, and what is real equality.

                And the equality begins with self equality, where self is equal to everything and anything self consist of and exist as.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to judge myself because of my fall into and as mind, instead of see and realize that my very living, that my very nature and my very existence became the mind thus one constant fall as living in and as mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to judge myself because of the moments I fall into and as mind as participation on thoughts, memories, projections, ideas, believes, instead of utilize this points to see and realize for myself what is this saying about me, how I can walk the points I participated in the mind for myself through writing and self forgiveness and thus realize for myself how I can stand the point I walk.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to judge myself because of my existence as the mind and my submission to the mind, instead of stand equal and one with my mind, to see and realize everything what is going on within and as me, and thus give myself the opportunity to release myself from such acceptances of living as a programmed system.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize, that very existence of the mind as a system is the nature of me as nature of myself as the fall into and as separation and inequality at very beginning of acceptance of creation of the mind, and that this creation is just saying about myself, that I wanted to be more than who I really am, that I wanted to have power over others because I separated myself from myself and thus started to see myself as separate entity from myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to judge myself for the existence of the mind as a system of thoughts, energies and projections, ideas , believes and thus through this judge everything mind exist as and consist of and not see and realize that by this I judged my own creation as the mind and acceptance of existence of the mind as separation myself from myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to judge the mind as a system of inequality, instead of see and realize that this is the mind what mind was created for, to keep myself and others enslaves into and as submission as a robots for generating the energy and thus sustain its own power to have control over myself and over beings.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to judge the mind for the mechanics how mind works, instead of see and realize that this is simply purpose of the mind, to have control and direct beings into delusion and believes about myself and themselves.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear that I fall into the mind, instead of see and realize that I became the mind thus by this I feared what and who I am and what I became.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to want to hide in front of my own creation as a judgment of myself as – What have I done?

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to judge myself as a judgment of – What have I done? As a judgment of myself what I accepted and allowed to myself and others to live, as a enslaved being in delusions about myself and themselves and by this do not want to take responsibility  for my creation as by this I lived in judgment of myself as – What have I done? Because this very judgment of myself comes from seeing and realization what I really accepted and allowed to myself and others to live in and as enslavement of a programmed system as a mind, where starting point of this was me separated from myself, and thus not wanting to be equal from myself because of my own self delusion about myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to judge myself by judgment as – What have I done as a point of seeing and realizing what I created for myself as a living system and what I accepted for myself to trap me into delusion about me through believes, ideas, projections, desires and by paradox to desire me, to project my life, to create ideas about life, to believe in life, instead of stand up, and simply live my life as life, as equal and one I exist as and consist of here, as breath as living being where anything and no one have power over me, but I am directive principle of my life and my actions, not programmed system I accepted to myself to live for me.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 69 : Relationship – What is the origin?

                The accepted and allowed existence of relationships within me, simply means that I accept and allow the separation to exist, that I allow myself to live as EGO, where this I as EGO stand separately from everything and just connect and refer to other points I perceive and believe that are not me.

                Why and how I accepted to myself to separate myself, is the experiences I had during events which took place in my life, in believe that those experiences are real, as I became living entity as creation of relationships between points in my life.

                The relationships I started to accept and create and store within me have foundation in my family, where the father and the mother were the building blogs for me to separate myself from them and thus perceive them as more than me and thus follow their teachings. Therefore the platform and the origin for myself for my EGO and living me just as a EGO, was the father, mother, the relationship between them I saw and accepted, and then the brothers and sister, were we was 5 brothers and 1 sister, and therefore behavior between us as a males towards her as a female, the perception of her, the acceptance of her as she was the oldest one and therefore perception of myself, how I started to see myself in front of others, through my eyes.

                The events I saw during childhood, through my eyes, molded and shaped how I started to see myself, thus first point is me seeing me inferior towards my parents, than me inferior towards my sister and older brothers, and me equal to younger brothers as I never perceived myself as more than them.

                Thus basis for myself was simply inferiority and relationships towards those which I saw superior because of the point of authority as parents, the point of age where I perceived that because of age and that someone is older than me thus this persona must be more clever, wise, know more and thus I am less than.

                The perception of myself to be inferior towards girls comes from the point of looking upon my sister, and how we as brothers behaved towards her, as we respected her as she was the oldest one, the way how she behaved towards us, and also the sexuality and creation of sexual energy and perception of this energy originate from my sister, as my perception of female gender, how females behave, how they speak, how they move, what they wear and that I played and spoke with brothers a bit differently than with her, as I never fought with her, but with brothers yes. Therefore she was the basic platform for myself how I created myself and my behavior towards females, and the perception of females, and looking upon her, as she was the only one as a girl within family, thus I copied this perception and believe from this moments, and each time I date with a girl, I looked on that girl as the only one and simply always the existence of other females has been denied as the copied likeness towards my sister as a representation of female gender, thus I acted this way towards girls I date with because of this copied likeness and perception of only one and therefore my acting and speech towards as inferior, looking upon a girl and perceived her as the only one, thus relationships I always created within me this way.

                The point of creation of sexual energy, as starting point of experience of energy within me, comes indirectly from my sister as well, as the toys she played with was different then me, and once I played with her doll and this doll was a female and naked, I stretched the legs of this toy during play and I experienced suddenly the energy within my penis, I was about 6 years old, and it was for me something I never experienced before, thus I started to like this energy, this sense in my penis and I started to brush my body towards the bed as thus brushing intensified this feeling I experienced, and the starting point as relationship between my body, my penis, the perception of female body as a doll I can do with whatever I can, the relationship of my body, bed and energy I experienced has been accepted, allowed, stored within me, and thus believed that all this play out during this moments was real experience of myself, of me and that it is real. Within this, the platform for creation the sexual experiences and energies has been established within me and everything what I accepted and allowed from this moments has been just adding more and more dimensions of this one point as creation of sexual energy within me, where to this point the variable other relationships has been added, between me and females, as possibilities according projections, ideas and fantasies, what I could do with the body of the female and how, to intensify my feeling and experience as sexual energy, where to this building platform was obviously the pictures seen through my eyes, and the pictures I saw where I separated myself from the shapes of woman body, where I perceived woman body as something else, where I saw through my eyes that woman body is a doll, as I experienced this energy while playing with a doll, and thus this perception remained within as I did not understand what really happened within this moment.

                My parents, taught me to believe in god which they believed, they spoke to me about the sins and what god perceive as sin, they showed me what I have do and how and that I have to follow their order if I do not want to be punished and harmed. They showed me their power which they had over me, they thought me the hierarchy within family and that this family obeys to some god and the living and believing for god, where my father was a bit fanatic in this.

                They thought me to have relationship to this god, and to this believe in god, and respect this idea of god which they thought me as the highest order in my life to follow.

                Thus relationships I accepted within me, towards my parents, towards brothers and sister, and the god as idea within my head and energies I experienced during that time from age of 3 till 7 was good enough to prepare myself to start to live my life as a system, as a robot which will follow, as a sheep which will submit the life into a illusionary world completely and entirely detached from reality called mind. I say from 3 because I am not able to recall or remember anything before this age, just only after the age or 3-4 years comes fragments of memories what I lived and what I accepted.

                Thus this relationships which I accepted for myself to live, was always based on mind polarities, as superior/inferior, good/bad, nice/ugly but the acceptance of absolute platform of this polarities was fear, fear as energy experience within me towards my parents if I will not submit to their order.

                Therefore, the relationships I accepted to create within me, have foundation in fear, therefore it means everything I lived in my life were just fear.

                From the acceptance of my relationship towards the energy experience within me as fear, the acceptance of mind polarities has been born to be able to live, and from mind polarities as I became already separated within family the derivatives as believes, ideas, projections, insecurities, anxieties, wants, needs, desires – I start to accept and live, in absolute delusion in front of myself and I started to call this living the life, but by paradox constantly and continuously avoiding the very fact of myself, that everything I accepted and allowed to create within me and live, was the relationships created and based on fear.

                The relationship towards my body as physical has been created also on fear, as the teaching by parents was in manner that human being sins with the body, that body parts are not equal, that my body is not worthy as what is worthy is god, and that I have to hide some specific parts of my body, never talk about it, and even never mention and the explanation about energy experiences completely missed as my parents had absolute no seeing into them what’s going on within them, thus obviously they couldn’t teach me anything real or relevant, just only ideas about myself, which I obviously copied.

                Therefore, the relationships I created and accepted within me, as towards my body, towards my mind, towards others, towards environment, was completely and entirely based on one singular point – Fear.

                Therefore, the separation I accepted and allowed myself to live as relationships between pictures and experiences of energy attached to these pictures, and call my life is again completely and entirely based on one point – Fear.

                Therefore, Relationship is fear, Separation is fear, where I forgot me as a origin, where I forgot what is me as origin, where I forgot who I am as origin as life, equal and one with everything and anything which exist, and what is real, therefore that what is directly in front of my eyes and what I am in and within as physical, as matter, as that what is here.

                Thus because of fear and separation as relationships I accepted within me, I forgot who I am as life, equal and one with myself, with me, as who I am as matter.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself the relationship as a separation myself from myself to exist and thus separate myself as a point of referring and relating to the point I separated myself from as a platform to have within me and my world the point of not having to take responsibility for myself and my world, for existence as me and direct myself as who I am here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from myself because of experienced fear within and as me as a energy movement and believe that this energy experience is real experience of me, instead of seeing and realizing that through acceptance and allowance the fear as energy within me I am accepting and allowing the separation from myself, that I am empowering my mind with energy and supporting existence of the fear within and as me and in my world, thus I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to give power to my mind through separation and relationship created within and as me towards the energy experience of fear in believe that this experience is real experience of me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create within me the energetic relationship towards my body because of experience of fear towards myself as point of separation from, myself and thus my body as physical and accept and allow to be directed by fear in separation from myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create the relationship within me with my father and my mother as energetic experience of fear towards them in separation from them through fear of them, and thus accept and allow to speak with them, behave in front of them, in fear and as expression of fear, instead of realizing that because I accepted and allowed to separate myself from them thus I experienced the fear as energetic experience of being punished, as a fear of the future that when I will not behave accordingly of their teaching of me that I will be harmed, punished, or pushed to live according that what they want from myself to live and how, instead of seeing and realizing that they had no ideas what they speak, why they speak and what they present and that they are innocent in their behavior towards me in meaning that they lived just their believes and tried to impose those believes on me and wanted from me to live those believes as them.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from myself and forgot who I am as the origin as matter as life and thus create within me the relationship towards me in separation from myself and deny and do not want to see who I really am as life.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from myself and live in relationship towards myself and think and believe that because I separated from myself thus I am not that what is here as physical.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate from myself and my physical body through energetic experience of fear because of believe that this experience of fear is real experience of me and thus forget who I am as physical, as my body, who I am as that what exist as matter.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am superior over the matter because of believe that mind is more than matter, but seeing and realizing that I am subject to matter and not matter to me thus became angry on matter that I have no power over matter and that matter will not submit to my will and my desires and my wishes and that I can’t have power over the matter and thus became angry because of seeing that in fact I am less than matter because I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from matter through fear as energy experience in believe that this is real, and thus deny the fact that what is real is physical, as my body, as that what I can physically move myself in and as in equality of me with me as physical and thus deny what is real as physical but start to believe and turn into a illusion of mind as energetic experiences within and as me I can experience through separation from myself into and as mind as judgments, projections, ideas, believes, desires, wishes of me, instead of drop the illusion as relationships I created within me as energy movements because of accepted and allowed living of the mind, instead of standing up for myself as my body, as physical and everything I consist of and exist as in equality of myself, here, as breath of life as who I really am as physical.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to forget who I am as physical because I accepted and allowed to myself to separate from myself and thus forgot who I am as physical and what is the real experience of the physical as me, in equality and oneness of myself with my body as that what is constantly here, in and as the breath of life as who I really am.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to forget who I am as life because of projections, ideas, believes about life and what life could be, instead of seeing and realizing that I am already life.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from physical through ideas, believes and projections what could be real, what is real, through believe in energy experiences as experiences of me and thus deny the fact, that what is real is always in front of my eyes, and that what is real has been always in front of me, but because I separated from myself I was not able to see me, to see who I am, to experience me here, to live me here, because I deny that what was in front of me always, that I am seeing myself and that everything I can see is always me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from myself through idea and believe that something else must exist, instead of seeing and realizing that what exist is me but because of fear from myself I forgot who I am here, I forgot that I see always me, I forgot that I am equal and one always with that what I see.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not want to see me and who I am here as physical, because of fear of me, because of fear who I really am here, because of fear to see into me directly and instantaneously and thus I rather turned into a illusions about me, into a ideas and believes that what I see couldn’t be me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create the relationships between pictures I can see through my physical eyes because this relationships provides me the energetic experiences I became addicted into and thus exist and live as mind design of relationships between pictures in separation from myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to live according mind design of relationships between two and more points which I separated myself from and thus follow and live the design of judgments of me because I accepted and allowed to myself the separation to exist within and as me, instead of standing up and stop all separation and stop all relationships I accepted and allowed within me to create and thus stand up for me absolute, stand up and show who I am as life here, to stand up who I am in equality and oneness with myself as the existence as matter which exist here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to want to hide in front of myself through idea and believe that what I see couldn’t be me and thus deny that I always lived hidden in front of myself in separation from myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to want to be separated from myself because this separation provides me the energy I can get from this relationships I created and accepted within me because I became addicted on energy experiences because of believe that this experiences are real, and thus forgot what is real experience of me as matter, as physical as that what is here in equality and oneness of me, thus I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to forgot what is equality of me, what it means to stand up for myself and for others as one, what it means to stand up for life and for myself absolute and do not accept and allow to be directed by illusions of the mind anymore.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am too weak and to powerless to stand up for myself because I separated myself from myself to such degree that I forgot that real power is equality, that real power is to live me as equal to me and honor me as life as that what is only value as physical.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not want to see what I accepted and allowed to myself because of fear and idea and believe that I am too weak and too powerless to stand up for myself in absolute no matter what, to stand up and direct myself where no more bullshits are accepted and allowed, to stand up for myself as who I am as physical in equality of me, instead of seeing and realizing that through any idea, believe, judgment, energy experience thought, I am giving power to my mind, to a system, to a program to direct my life, instead of taking this power to me, to myself, to me as origin as who I am as life, to me as origin as who I am as physical, to me as who I am as all and one as origin of me as part of me which forgot the same way as me that we are the one and equal to each other, that we all are the origin and that we all are equal and one.

Thanks, Juraj