Day 97 : I think I do not see

                Within this, the idea and thought came up several times, in regards, that I do not see how things works, or that I have no understanding of energy play outs in humans, in me, and thus that I have to learn or that I have to find out.

                Mind has very limited resources how can someone manipulate, or direct, or take over, yet sometimes it seems to me like to much, but it is not. It is simple but at the same time most genuine mechanics as all, when just one thought is enough to take over a being and thus direct being, myself, to scenarios, experiences, mind wants, require and need as me, me as mind, to get the energy to sustain itself.

                Yes, I am not aware everything mind does at quantum level, as this mechanics I am not able to see now, but anyway I am aware of thoughts, how basically mind utilize such thoughts and thus my allowances for energy creations.

                The simplicity of direction is, are my actions directed by thoughts or by me, where I am not following the thought.  

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think that I do not see how mind have ability to direct myself with thoughts, backchat and thus empower the mind to have power over me and direct me by the believe that I do not see what I am doing, how and why, as I see and realize how mind utilize the thoughts for energy creation and thus sustaining it's own existence.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to seek and search for joy and enjoyment as energy experience, and when not able to experience this joy as energy thus turn into a sorrow, pain and loneliness of me being rejected, disregarded and diminished not seeing and realizing that by accepting and allowing the energy experiences as joy / sorrow I am disregarding myself as life, I am diminishing myself as physical and thus denying myself but accepting to live as mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to diminish, disregard, and reject to live myself but rather turn into illusions, projections, ideas and believes of the mind as energy experiences of joy and sorrow and thus move according this experiences and express myself according this and not seeing myself as free living being, not seeing myself as a individual who decide what I live and why, what I experience , why , how and when, but rather be a subject of the mind as energy experiences.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that joy, enjoyment or likeness are real experiences of me, instead of see and realize that all of this are energy experiences of the mind, where mind always need to utilize thoughts, backchats to generate particular sufficient energy to sustain own existence, power and ability to direct myself by this energy, and thus create for myself the illusionary world as realm of myself where I would believe that this is real experience of me, not seeing through this illusion of the mind, not seeing through this energy and through this thoughts, why they came and from where, but rather submit as a slave of mind to live according to it.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to access the memory of energy experiences of sorrow while confronting in reality with moments which do not validate my projections, ideas and believes about future and thus re create the sorrow as energy experiences accordingly as losing this projections, ideas and believes about possible life to the future with another being.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to re create myself according the memory I lived and thus fit myself into this memories and follow this memories in re creation of myself the very same way as my reactions, believes, ideas, desires, actions, speech, doing, acting, living, expressing, looking, touching, moving, breathing, enjoying, stressing, fearing, to be anxious, and thus fit into a dimensions of the mind and living of the mind as system, where I accepted and allowed to myself to create myself as a system of memories where I access those memories and thus live that what I lived in the past, not seeing and realizing that past is no more here, as only what is here is the actual very moment which exists, only one and no more, and thus I am here, as the moment, as life, as breath, living here, expressing myself here as breath in where I give myself life and breath out where I die and let go the moment which ended.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to try to comprehend through mind what it means to be here and live here, express myself and speak myself here, instead of actually be here as awareness of life, where I breathe myself in and breathe myself out as only one moment which exists as me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to utilize my memories as my characters, as my functioning, as my living, as my expression.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to live according memories of joy and sorrow and thus accept the polarity of the mind as myself and thus move back and forth between energy experiences of mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to utilize my past as my decision maker and form this decide here what I speak, what I present and how I behave, instead of be with my breath, as my breath here.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that what happened in my past have to happen again and thus I will constantly and continuously experience and live same things, instead of stand up, be here and thus direct myself here, live here, and be the one who decides what is happening and why.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to utilize my memories of my past to determine who I am, what I live, and how I live, what I express and how, how I behave and how I express myself, instead of simply be here each moment, be here with myself, to be able to see into me each moment I am here and express and live myself, not as the reflection of my past but me as living being, living breath, and living word.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 74 : Relationships and lies – sorrow of lost illusion

                Years ago, I started to chat with a girl, about common stuff people live, but as she had a boyfriend I considered her just as a friend, but overtime of our writings, I created within me the likeness towards her, as she as a girl was perfect match of my likeness of girl from perspective of picture, body, face.

                The stuff we wrote to each other, was extensive, about 3000 e-mails, I became completely lost within my mind, the projections, ideas, believes I created within me, with her, life with her, was so extensive that I became just a living zombie and like completely detached from reality, just existing in my mind, in this perception of love towards her and in believes that her words was true.

                I was not aware that time that I lied to her with each word I said or wrote her, and also not aware that she did the same to me. The love we promises to each other, and desire to fulfill this love, never took place, as it was impossible, as she had boyfriend and everything she wrote about braking that relationship and be with me was simply a lie, but I didn’t wanted to see it, as the lies was that what I wanted to hear.

                After some period, the everything positive within me towards her turned into frustration, sorrow, disappointment, as the reality do not matched the words we changed with each other, and I wanted and desired that words and projection and ideas to be real, to became reality, but simply, lies can not turned into something which Is real, as lies will remain just lies.

                When I came to breaking point with her and stop that bullshit I allowed to live and speak, I realized that time that everything I said to her was just a lie. My self delusion towards her, simply, I lived completely and entirely lost in love construct towards her and as this was my direction thus obviously the energy experiences within me was so extensive, that when I kissed her just once I was like drunken, and that time I was surprised, how come that I experience this, and questions start to emerge but as I was lost in mind I ignored them.

                The breaking point of stopping that relationship was because of me not able to continue such way, in such friction within me between experience of energy as love, ideas, believes, desires, sex, and the frustration, disappointment and sorrow when I saw that the world within my mind and without simply do not match in anyway what so ever. Just in few moments when yes, but it was just fragments.

                When this breaking point came, I experienced within me extensive sorrow, extensive disappointment, from her and from me, that I allowed to me to deceive me such way, to believe and to present such extensive amount of lies, and the face that I lost my illusion of the life with her, and the sorrow of losing my illusion was quite huge.

                It is interesting, that I experienced sorrow because of lost lies and lost illusions, as that was what I believed, thus it was like losing me, as I became the living lie of me, thus losing the lies of me and seeing what I accepted and allowed towards me was not nice picture, and within this, I was simply pushed to stop the illusion within my mind about me and her, and thus became again living in and as reality as what is here, as where is my body and where I really am.

                It took long period of time to recover from that illusion, as the intensity of believing of such illusions was really huge.

                I lived a lie towards girls, and what I wanted to hear was a lies, and what I became was living lie. And thus the lies of me and my self delusions was my direction.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to want and desire to hear lies spoken by girls and focus only on those words which validate this desire and need and want to hear lies and ignore actually reality as physical and what is really going on here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to desire to hear the words as “ I love you” and “ I like you “ or “ I want to be with you” as I created and connected the idea and believe within me that those words are reflecting love of other being towards me, instead of see and realize that it was my self deception and abuse of other to manipulate them to speak those words.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to speak words as I love you, I like you, I want to be with you as manipulation and deception in front of me and in front of other to manipulated them to speak exactly those word to me back as I created and connected within me the idea and believe that if those words I speak and hear thus it have to be validation of my love towards other being and validation of love towards me, not seeing and realizing that it was just my self deception based on energy feelings accepted and created within me, not seeing and realizing that it had nothing to do with real love which is equality, where all parts of self are considered equally, as physical, as life as breath here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to want to be manipulated with the words of likeness towards me as I accepted and allowed to manipulate others with words as I like you, I want to be with you, you are such a nice person, I feel fine in presence of you, instead of seeing and realizing that all of this was my self deception created, accepted and allowed based on ideas, believes and projection what love should be, what love can be, and what likeness can be, instead of seeing and realizing that it was deception of me, the manipulation of myself in separation from myself, and that it was me deceiving me into accepting and living the illusion of the mind as idea and projection what love can possibly be as I perceived the love as energetic feeling within me as likeness created towards other human being as a girl and thus judge the feeling of love as positive and exist within and as mind judgment of word love as positive, in judgment of energetic feeling of love as positive, in perception of this feeling as positive and thus desire, want and require to experience such energetic feeling, as this allowed me to cover all my fears, anxieties, sorrows I accepted and allowed towards me as self as life, cover all deception of me, to cover all abuse I accepted and allowed towards me, and not seeing and realizing for myself that I abused life as me, that I raped life as me, that I dishonored life as me, that I used my body as a tool for getting the energy I wanted for myself, that I diminished the physical as what is real here to such extent, that I put value into a illusion of the mind and created the idea and believe that those illusions and energy experiences are real and think and believe that are real and thus that I want them and need them and want to follow them, instead of seeing and realizing that I accepted and allowed to myself to abuse physical as my body because I separated from physical as my body, that I dishonored my body just for the sake of getting the energy I wanted for myself as energy addict as zombie living in fear of myself in separation from myself, not seeing and realizing for myself that I raped the physical each possible way just for getting the energy for myself and that I destroyed the physical each way possible just for the sake of wanting and desiring to make the illusion of the mind as thoughts, and energy experiences real, as I thought and believed that it is real and therefore I accepted and allowed to think and believe myself that I can do this with the physical, that it is my right to abuse physical such way, that it is me having power over the physical as my body, not seeing and realizing that in fact, I was abusing me, raping me, killing me, destroying me, fighting with me, trying to overpower me as physical with just illusions of the mind as thoughts, ideas and believes in perception that it is my choice, my will, that it is me who decide, not seeing and realizing that it was the mind, as programmed system within and as me, infused and integrated with my flesh, my physical body, where I accepted and allowed to be directed with illusion of the mind, and everything done just for this energy illusions and experiences within me I believed are real experiences of me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to rape myself, to abuse myself, to destroy, kill and use myself as my body as a tool as a puppet in believes that I can do so, that it is my right to do so, and that I can do so, and took for granted my body and thus take for granted everything which physical exist as and consist of, in thinking and believing that it is my right to do so, that because I am in my body in the mind that I can accepted and allow to abuse and rape the physical, not seeing and realizing the consequences of my acceptances, not seeing and realizing that I tried to made from illusion more than actual flesh, as my body, as physical as I separated myself from my body and thus turned into a illusions and deception of me, about me, as who I can possible be, instead of seeing and realizing that I am here as my body, that I am here as my breath, that I am here as everything which my body exist as and consist of in equality and oneness as who I really am as life.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 73 : Expectation and disappointment

                Recently, I faced interesting situation, as I expected that I will go out with my friend, but this “plan” has been changed, and I experienced myself to be disappointed by this change, and thus I experienced the sorrow that the plan will not held.

                Within this, I realized, that the disappointment and the sorrow I experienced was because of looking forward of myself to such event and also the likeness created within me towards my friend and thus wanting to experience such scenario together.

                Thus within those moment, I was in mind projecting how it could be when we will together “live” that event, I was not here with and as my breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to project within my mind how it could be to experience and “live” agreed event together with my friend.

                I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to look forward on specific event to take place where me and my friend should go together, but because this has been changed thus experience disappointment and sorrow, as I already created within me the likeness to such event and my friend and thus when this has been broken thus I went into sorrow and disappointment as I do not wanted to accept that change, instead of accept that change and break of agreed scenario and be here with and as my breath and thus see and realize that this is showing me that I do not want to accept that change of myself and change of me in situations, my behaviors, my actions where I created likeness within and as me and thus refusing to change what I like on me as energy experience and when I am confronted with situation that I have to change myself thus I go into a sorrow and disappointment of myself, instead of seeing and realizing that everything of the mind as energy I have to let go as it is not me, it is of the mind and I am not the mind, I am here as physical, as breath.

Thanks, Juraj