Day 55 : Fear of betrayal – Part 2

                May times I faced the point, when the words of others has not been hold, when something has been said, promised, but actions of others has been different.

                Thus me, as a boy, I started to speak the promises, to my parents, to my brothers and sister, to my friends, to speak the words out of me, but aware I am not going to hold such words. As I saw that others do not hold what has been spoken, I thought myself, that it is ok to live that way, that others do not hold their words, thus I do not have to hold my words either, that if others betrayed me, I can betrayed others.

                I see here, how much deception has been created, and the most, my self deception within my words, what I said, how I said, to whom and with what intentions.

                The very fear, that I will be betrayed, the very fear of being betrayed, directed me to various situations in my life, where I faced and realized that this persona betrayed me, It was just confirmation for myself that I cannot trust human beings, that human beings are not trust worthy, that words which are spoken are just empty, useless bullshits spoken, and I felt lonely, hurt, I felt sorrow in me because of such spoken word which has not been hold.

                And thus, by paradox, I became the same, I copied this behavior, I copied this believe, that I do not need to hold my words, and thus question is – Who the fuck I became?

                I became not trustworthy persona, as I do not trusted anymore to anyone, I even stop trust in myself as I lost myself in the mess of lies, deception, self deception, as EGO separated entity, living just on my own, going and searching where I could get energy for myself, as I was not able to see into me and see my fears, anxieties and anger, as horror which I lived as a horror I accepted and allowed to wards myself.

                How could I trust to myself, if I was even not able to see what directs me? How could I trust inn me, if I was not able to see through the layers of lies within me and in others? How could I trust in me, when everything I knew, everything I became, was simply the lie? How could I live me, love me, like me, if I was not able to see what I live, who I am within this all, what are my needs, wants, desires, why this I allowed, how I created myself, what are the masks I used in front of others, why I hide, why I lived in polarity of the mind and many, many more?

                Where I lost the trust in me, how I lost the trust in me? It was when I started to stand as Ego, as a separate entity - within and as my mind, where this I, as energy became all of me. Where the thoughts started to flow in me, where I started to believe the thoughts, where I started to believe in illusion of me, as accepted and allowed thoughts, and therefore the energy created as a perception and believe that such experiencing is living me. It was not so. It is not so. It is deception, it is the utmost self deception ever, I lived in self deception, I lived lies of me, I lived the hoax of me, I live illusion of me, I placed my trust into illusion and disregarded myself as life, disregarded what is real, that what is here, as I turned to a god, god in my head as a voice in me I allowed and accepted to live – full of fear and horror.

                Time to stop.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to place my trust into a voice within and as me, voice in my head, as a voice of the mind, not seeing and realizing that this voice and this words in my head are of the mind and thus not real word of me as who I am here as life, as breath but words of the mind as a illusion as a program I allowed and accepted to myself to live accordingly and therefore follow and became the illusion of this voice as a reflection of my past, as a reflection of my past allowances and acceptances and thus diminishing my self value as life, disregarding what is real as what is here in very moment and thus accepting and allowing to live in self deception and lies of me as who I am, as defined separated EGO within and as my mind, where I placed the trust into a mind as a thoughts and thus energy experiences as polarity where I split myself into two parts as good/bad, positive/negative, like/do not like, true/not true, instead of seeing and realizing that only what is real is here, as life as breath of life of all beings, as that what matters as physical.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear that I will be betrayed in the future as a projection to the future in my mind that because I was betrayed in the past thus I have to be in future as well, not seeing and realizing that this is just repeating the living of the mind as a fear as a separation as a delusion of myself as my self definition as definition of trust, and therefore from perceived trust derived perception and experience of betrayal as a sorrow, pain, and feeling of being hurt, instead of seeing and realizing that only what can be trusted is here as only what is here is real, instead of seeing and realizing that mind can’t be trusted in anyway whatsoever as mind is deception of myself where mind always manipulate myself to do not see me, to see others and that what is here.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not see myself as a point of separation myself from myself as a point of separation myself from what is here but allowing and accepting to live in self delusion as self defined entity as EGO separated from all and everything, where ideas, believes, thoughts and energy experiences became my living and through this allowing and accepting to lost myself, to lost trust in myself, to lost me and to lost trust in others.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to lost my trust in myself through allowing and accepting living as a mind, living as a EGO, living as a energy addict where I allowed and accepted to be directed by the thoughts and energies I perceived within and as me positive and do not wanting to see into me what I suppressed within me as fears, anger and anxieties.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear of being betrayed as a point of myself separated from myself and thus fear that I will betray myself.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that I can speak the words with being aware that I will not hold such words, and thus creating from me self deluded entity as EGO, where I allowed and accepted to speak empty words to myself, to others, and thus just live according lies and in separation from words I speak.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to thin and believe that if I saw others to lie, to deceive, that I can also deceive and lie and thus live in self deception of myself.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to place trust into a empty words of others, not seeing and realizing that all beings are living the mind and thus can’t be trusted, as everything of the mind can’t be trusted in anyway whatsoever.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to place my trust into a lies of the mind as words in my head and energies within me, instead of trusting myself here, instead of trusting my breath, instead of trusting the physical.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to limit myself and my self expression with placing my trust into a mind instead of trusting my breath here and thus express myself as living being here, as life, equal and one with myself , as the flesh as my body.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to limit my living and my seeing by placing my trust into a mind, as that what I know as information and knowledge of this world, instead of seeing and realizing that everything of this world is of the mind and therefore can’t be trusted.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 53 : Clarity

                Self forgiveness brings clarity to ones speech, self forgiveness brings clarity to ones words, within and as self forgiveness one can see what has been allowed and accepted to live, to oneself, to others, to nature.

                Clarity is seeing without any shadow of doubt, without any thought in the head, without any reaction, clarity is here where always clarity was, but paradox we was never here.

                Clarity is speaking without any desire, without any fear, clarity is expression of that what is here.  It is speaking directly, just expressing myself here, as clarity as what is me.

                Clarity – is self honesty.

                I am clarity of me, I am purity of me, I am innocence of me, I am stability of me.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to blind myself in living in and as a mind, as a system which can’t see because systems looks through knowledge and information, where systems looks only as EGO and self interest, thus system can’t see a shit thus I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to live within and as my own self dishonesty, protecting my dishonesty, running away from myself, do not wanting to look into me, do not want to see what I have allowed and accepted to myself to live, to became, to express within and as dishonesty of me, instead of standing up for myself, standing up for myself as who I am here as life, giving value to myself where all parts of me are considered equally, where nothing of me is left behind, where all of me is revealed, seen and understood, within and as clarity of me, clarity as who I am as I see into me what I became.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to blind myself with knowledge and information I get from this world, what has been said to me, what I heard and what I seen, instead of looking into me and see directly what is here within and as me.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to limit my seeing and clarity of that what I see with my mind, with my desires and my wants, needs as EGO of the mind I became, where I diminished my seeing only on that what EGO wants, what I became, and thus not seeing what Is here, not realizing that only that what is here is real within and as moment of physical expressing itself.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to diminish my seeing and my clarity with information and knowledge of this world I got during my life time here, not realizing that any and each word I heard carried emotional/feeling charge of energy ones spoken and thus I copied this emotions/feelings into me and defined my vocabulary, my speech, my voice tonalities, the words I am expressing with emotional charge copied from others and not seeing myself within this, losing myself through coping the words and emotions from others and not expressing myself as the words as who I am within and as moment of my and as  breath here.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 9 : Sound – I am separated

                 If I speak, I can speak the words which came through my mind as thoughts and thus just repeat those words, thus I am repeater of my mind. If I just repeat the words of my mind thus I am sounding out my mind and validate my mind in believing that I am my mind and that I was who created those words. It is not so.

                If I just repeat what my mind speaks, thus I am follower of my mind and thus mind direct my speech and mind direct my actions thus it simply means, that I am servant of my mind and just a tool, puppet, even less than what is my mind as mind direct.

                The mind as a system, program, not real, thus if I follow my mind and mind directs me and if I live my mind thus how the fuck I can be real if even mind is not real?

                Did I separated myself even form my mind? Am I my mind? No.

                The words I speak, there is no thought necessary to speak, no voice in head and no pre-speech in mind created, I sound the words in the moment thus I sound myself.

                If there is not thought which I follow, if there is not pre-programmed words within my mind, thus I have to be the words I speak. Thus I am the word I speak. Let’s have a look on words I speak.

                Am I equal with the words I speak? Do I direct what I speak? Or even those words have been pre-programmed as automatic reactions on topics? Direction is not reaction. If I direct thus I do not react. If I direct it is not automatic and not back-uped by bullshits within, as I see and realize what I speak.

                Do I sound each one single word within self-honesty? Do I manipulate with the words and do I deceive? Myself or others? Am I aware each single word I sound? I realized, that not all words I speak are spoken within self honesty, thus it means that I live moments in dishonesty, if there are moments lived in dishonesty thus those moments are like open doors for abuse, manipulation, etc.

                It means, that I separated from certain words cause of judgments of the words, living as mind, always coming from polarity.

                Speak the word I am and live the words I am, who I really am, thus became the living word as end of all separation, let’s make this done.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to separate from word I speak.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to judge word I speak.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to separate from sound.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to repeat the words mind speaks.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to follow the words mind speaks.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to live the words mind speaks.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not take self responsibility for words which I speak.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to connect energy to words I speak.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that energy and words have to be connected as definition of myself towards words and relationship towards words I use when I speak.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create likeness towards specific words I use when I speak.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to separate from sound as a word.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not speak each word as me, as who I really am in self honesty.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to let open doors within me as back doors for manipulation and abuse with the words I speak.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to use words for manipulation and abuse just for self interest to get energy.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that when I manipulate and abuse with the words I use thus I am more than others because I can deceive and manipulate better than others.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to compare myself according words I use and others use and think and believe that just because I see and realize their words thus I am more than them.

I commit myself to investigate each word I speak and from which words I separated myself from, to which words I connected energy and from which words I generate energy, to which words I connected and created likeness within me or dislikes, and which words I judge or perceive as mind polarity.

Thanks, Juraj 

Day 6 : Eyes – I am separated

                 The world I see through my physical eyes, gives me perception of world and myself that I am separated from everything and everyone and this seems to be very valid, very trustworthy, and definitely very acceptable point of view of myself and the world without.

                Someone in my world, had to tell me what I should see, how I should interpret that what I see, and which names I should put on things I see accordingly, to fit into society and into a system and do not step out from accepted facts by majority about the world and system by itself.

                You are unique, you are individual, you are the only one very special, no one is like you, those words I heard many times and the eyes gives me the perception and validate those to such extent, that I became those words and I became living entity as separated from everything and everyone.

                To make the fuckup really perfect and hit the nail, I separated from my body through the words I heard within my head in absolute trust that those words are me and that I am those words and thus I started to live in my head and reactions, back chats within my mind, and mind delivers me on golden plate those words, very likely to make sure that I will remain in accepted prison of myself – in the head as words popping in the mind.

                I realized, that eyes deceive me, the pictures I see and how I learned to interpret them and what value I gave into a pictures and what meaning I connected to them, have perfect ability to deceive me in absolutely professional manner, just through my acceptance.

                Are the things the way I perceive? Are those pictures everything I can see? Am I separated just only because I see things that way and accept that way? Am I living in a reality or In my mind? Is the reality picture based?

                No, I just learned to interpret reality as pictures. And extensively judge.

                But let’s have a look on words, what words one speak carry, what is the meaning and what Is the point one is speaking about. What is behind those words and why one speaks those words?

 Is interesting to see through the words and through the picture one present, as to look at the words gives one ability to be no more deceived.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to trust to my physical eyes to such extent, that from this trust I created within me believe that I am separated from everything and everyone I can see.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to trust to my physical eyes as perception that what I can see is separated from me and through this validate myself as ego and as separated entity from what is here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to put different value to different pictures and different colors I can see through my eyes and from this value derive likeness or not likeness of that what I see.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that because I see reality as pictures separated from me, that thanks to this acceptance I can manipulate and abuse reality according my will and desires and needs.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to desire and want that what is here to function according my needs/wants/and projections instead of realizing that through this I am living as the mind in separation from myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to separate from myself and from what is here through my physical eyes in believing that because I see reality as pictures thus I have to be separated.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to separate from my body through the voice I hear in my head and gave value and attention to this words and think and believe I am those words.

I commit myself to investigate the values I placed into each and single one picture I can see and investigate the energy creation through this pictures and my living as energy.

Thanks, Juraj