Day 163 : Revenge – I’ll show who you are

                As a child I have been thought about Jesus and god and all that stuff, as I grew in “average Christian family” where my father was the one who had the main word in means, how our family functions, what is followed and why.

                For me as a child, the Jesus was a son of a god, and I had no idea who this god is, or what god should be, but I could see in church the Jesus as a baby under Christmas tree, and I had the knowledge about Jesus and his life and what he thought other people. For me, Jesus was the one who was showing people how they should live, according the words of love, love of the other people even the enemy, and what love means, and that we all are equal as god as him, therefore we should love each other equally, and do not live for material things, as do not live for golden statuses, and everything that bullshit stuff which is daily promoted.

                My basic seeing of the Jesus was through love and his words of love, as equality. As I was attending the church those days, the procedures of eating the Jesus at the end of each ceremony took place, and I liked it from perspective as symbol of eating Jesus flesh transformed symbolically into this little waffle which is used in church. I understood the Jesus as being the flesh, being in everything the flesh or matter is thus me being part of this all through this ceremony.

                Once as a child, when I received this small waffle from the priest, I took that out of my mouth and put this waffle into my “praying book”, which I had as a child where was all the songs and stuff around religion, thus I placed that waffle right into the middle of the book, for me as a child seeing this as act of having the Jesus nearby me, as I was having this book in my pocket of my winter jacket, and thus I was as a child satisfied that I have a Jesus always with me and that I do not eat that waffle rather keep it sustained with me. My perception of this, was simple and innocent, according the way how I understood and saw the Jesus as persona what he lived.

                I didn’t see anything wrong in such act, just having the Jesus, this little child as me with me. Days start to pass and I continued to live my life according everything which has been normal that time for our family, till the moment of:

                My mother is calling me into a hall, the entrance room of our flat, where our jackets has been placed, and she is holding my praying book in the hands, opened in the middle and that small waffle is there, and she call my father. She is showing him this, and I just stand and look on the situation, still in my naïve innocence that I did nothing wrong. My father enters and he taking the book, and he is asking me, what it is and from where I have this. I am saying that in the church I took out this waffle and put it in this book, thus it is Eucharist, as called in Christian religion. I am still looking onto him, as I am quite small against him, my mother still stand nearby, suddenly, the eyes of my father changed. He is taking the tool which he used to use as “educational stuff” just for the purpose to beat me, I am like frozen within me, as I am not quite sure why he is doing this, and he is asking me, if I kneel down each time I came to my jacket, as a symbol of honor of Jesus or god, and I am saying no, as I saw this as very unpractical during various situations. As I said that, the eyes of my father became so strange, the anger and hatred towards me I saw in him, and he started to beat me frenetically with that tool, through all over my body, through my ass, legs, through hands, body and I just experience this big pain all over my body seeing him screaming madly that no one will make fun from the god. I am shocked, surprised, I tremble and I feel this pain, I see my father in desperate anger towards me, when he stopped, I cry, I cry as my body is in heat of pain, I am touching my body wanting to make this pain less, and I hear him that I will go to confess from this sin because I dishonored god.

                And my trust and believe in Jesus and his teaching has been broken and shaken completely, how my father can speak about god and love and Jesus, if he dare so brutally beat me just because of me wanting to have this Jesus nearby me? My father know nothing about love and Jesus and god, he do not know a shit about life, he is defending his illusion and his projections of god I dared to violate by my act. I look on my mother and I see her as a traitor. I saw her as a mother; loving being of me, but everything changed as I asked why she called my father and showed him that, I see her that she betrayed me by calling my father.

                How can my father or mother love me, if they allow this? How can they do this and on other hand promote something else? My father is no more my father and my mother is no more my mother, as they do not love me and they do not see me as a child, they do not see me, they see only their illusions and their believes, they do not know and see who I am here, they have no idea why I did what I did and they both beat me in fury and desperate anger, no matter that mother was just looking on this, she was the same way in this like my father, she do not stopped him.

                I realized that what my father live is fake and also my mother, and they broke in me my innocence by beating me, they broke my seeing of Jesus and his teaching as I see they do not live his words, they are not able to recognize what love really is, they have no idea what is equality, they do not stand for that, they speak something but do something else, I never forgave this. I never forgave to my father this and to my mother, they was blind in their actions and I separated from them even more.

                The way of my revenge started the revenge to show them who they really are, and that they do not live what they say. Despite the fact that as a child I understood equality quite well, this has been diminished completely as because of Jesus I was beaten by my the most closest personas, which was my father and my mother. I started to live the road of revenge, ingrained in me, within me, and doing the opposite of suggestions of my mother, rebelling against everything which my mother represented and father as well. I knew my time will come when I would be able to revenge to them and they will see how mistaken they was. And this was no more only about them, but about everybody who claimed something, but lived something else, my revenge became against all and everybody who speak something but do something else. The revenge I became was me, I revenging to all directly to their face, showing them how deceptive they are, how much they lie, my life became revenge in various forms, in various ways, and as time has been passing I became always satisfied with the outcome of time by itself, when I saw what life brought to the life of those I was revenging against.

                My father has been dying in the agony of pain of cancer, and yet I wished him to die as I saw that as a only point how he can go out from that misery as I never believed he will be cure but I do not cared about him. Really, I saw satisfaction in his position and where was his god? Where was god to help him, to give him love and cure him? Nowhere, his god let him dying in brutal pains for a long time, until his body became so exhausted of this cancer that could not sustain itself anymore. And I do not give a fuck, why I even should I? Why I should give a fuck about him after everything he did to me? I never took hand on him, I never screamed at him, I never said how he should live or what she should do, I never beat him, and he? How many times? And these beings have no authority to claim to be my father and I do not see myself as his son anymore, or son of my mother. I asked many times, who is my father and who is my mother then? Who it is if these beings treat me such way? They are not. And the way of me being alone here, living alone with my revenge towards all, busy as I do not wanted to follow what they live anymore, and the revenge became ingrained within me as me, I am this revenge I am living it, I am becoming this as the years are passing I see more and more lies, more and more deception, I see only people which are fake from top to the bottom, no one is living and no one is my friend, no one is my companion as I am alone with me with revenge I have to accomplish, I need and I have to, as this is my purpose and the very reason I live.

                The point of revenge became transformed into everything I did, spoke, and I was not able to see me in this, as I became it.

Thanks, Juraj