I
desired revenge and this desire I wanted to fulfill, make true, it was my
likeness and my pleasure to see that things can turn round and those who hurt
me can suffer more than I suffered, satisfaction coming from this revenge I
liked.
Many
times I do not needed to act in any way what so ever and just wait, time by
itself brought to those I desired revenge for, their misery and agony within
them being lost and trapped in the mind. I felt superior and satisfied, I felt
being more and stronger.
I
see this as a great perversion towards life, to see pleasure and satisfaction
in misery and horror of others, searching for answers, lost in their realms of
the mind and I smiled.
Many
times my intentions turned the worst way possible and thus I have been
confronted with this point, how my intentions are in fact fake, because they
can morph and from “good” intentions mess and havoc I created, as always.
It
was like always around me, despite the fact I wanted others to let me be and
let me live, to do not interfere to my life, to do not say to me how I have to
live, what I should do just let me be, I always mess and havoc created and
place those around me into situations they was not prepared to deal with, nor
me.
The
revenge, and the punishment, within this superiority and inferiority took place
always, and thus what I followed? Ego as energy, yes my lovely purpose to
accomplish, my reason for my life, to see oppressors suffer. And they did , as
they will always suffer, as each being trapped in the mind suffer, thus me the
very same way, as for decades I suffered by revenge I was busy to accomplish.
Smile,
words, mannerism, cool persona and fine guy yet plot within my mind already in
place, plot and wish to others to die, to suffer, to go through horrible
experiences as I did, to show them how it is, to show them what they did,
through suffering and pain and agony within them, and seeing this please
myself, how pervert this is.
Many
thoughts others had about me that I will never do specific things and I did
just for the sake to show them they have no power over me, not noticing that by
this I gave to power to mind to just follow the very same way as others the
designs of energy, everything just balancing out.
Where
was in this equality and oneness? Yet I am controversial for myself, the
relationship I created within me towards me is controversial, as I see,
understand and realize that only equality and oneness is real, as love. Only
real love is equality and this is for me bulletproof, yet many times I lived
opposite because just this revenge I needed accomplish, this revenge as my ego.
This
revenge is the very same way energetic experience as all experiences but my
most secret, loving and precious one. To give up?
It
was hard even impossible to give up something I was not able to see within me I
am doing, making me desperate and insane in many situations, within me in my
misery because of this loving energy.
I
will show you – secret thought in my mind, you will see. Another one coming
after first, and the wolf in the sheep cloak yet still sheep because still
following the ego. I fucked me. I was good in this.
But
things changes as I change day by day, moment by moment.
Give
up on revenge - this is my commitment to myself.
Thanks, Juraj
a self changing decision. Cool man. you've got the tools
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