From innocence to fighting - Suppressed sorrow

The sorrow stored within me is the sorrow of me which leads me. I know it, I understand it, deep sadness, how deep it goes. It is still with me.

Me as child, I do not understand why other children around me attack me, why my teacher attack me and laugh at me and why she hold together with those children.

I was not able to see why it occurred, I was just in class and want to learn things and just be at school and participate.

But when I participated so they turned it against me and punished me because I did what my teacher wanted. How fucked this is.

Once we played game, all children sitting around and I was at the end of row, simple it was like snake made from children and first one just said some word to the ear silently and the second one just had to transfer that word silently to another and how it goes I was at the end. But the child who was transferring the word to me said me word: pussy. It is not big deal but in Slovak language it is vulgar and easily usable as insult/harmful word.

So as I heard that word, I was completely disorientated/distracted/confused as I didn’t expect something like that and so as teacher asked me to speak that word. I didn’t want to lie so I said her that simply I will not speak it as it is vulgar word which I received. But she pushed me to say it so I just simply said. She became furious about me how can I dare to speak it. I thought that time that would be better to lie and to avoid such things, as my father worked at that school also and she said she will use it against me in front of him.

And me, I just simply did what all wanted, notthing bad/good or something like that, just what they all wanted, reactions of the children was obvious, laughing on me intensively, and it was clear that someone manipulated it to get me that outcome. Simply someone of them wanted to fuck up with me.

My rebel-yell has been born, foundation and decision that lying would be better - has been established within me. I suppressed that experience as I was not aware how to deal with that.

In my family, similar thing has been happening from time to time, I have been blamed, pointed out, games started to turning to fights. I did not understand why I have to fight for my place for living. I was already separated from my brothers and sister.

My fighting has been founded, but I didn’t want to, but I saw it as only one option how to show others that no one will be vilify me, abuse me, and over fight me. Me as young one against two older ones, sometimes in fight with one or another, my physical strength was not enough to win.

But I was sure, that when I will be older, that I can win in fight and have respect from brother and that they will stop to fight with me. I stared to see that my anger within me could ignite within me in one second to the extreme levels, paradox was, that I was never experiencing anger constantly. Just in fight, in that one moment, extreme load of.

I realized that when I will be not able to handle that, that I can very seriously harm someone or even kill or become insane from it.  I started to see effectiveness in fighting, why to bother to fight long time, if it could be finished in one movement. But I realized that I have to handle it. That I have to stop anger and that I have not to allow even ignite any tiny twinkle. One twinkle and one moment and anger could go to extremes. I didn’t want that, I didn’t even want to bother with the stopping of it.

So I suppressed my sorrow, and started to accumulate and stop fighting physically, I started to fight verbally.  As my brothers and sister wanted to take over me, to push on me and direct me, my words has been sharp and able to hit directly, I wanted to hit with the words, I started to abuse it against everybody who wanted to fight with me. I hit them to their core and let burning. That was my winning. I knew how to ignite the fear within others, just with the words, how to scare them.

I started to master hitting with the words, insulting, anyone within my range to show that no one will do against me what I had to experienced as I child. To show, that it is worthless to fight with me.

We are the word and as a child I was not able to comprehend why I have to defend myself from the people around me.

From this misunderstanding of my experiences and why others did what they did, I start to rebel against every one, every each rule, against everything I could, with my way of living, speaking, participating as my experiences was, that if I participate with others they abuse my innocence against me for their winning.

So from my innocence, I turned into fighter. But I forget one thing - that all the time, I was fighting against me.

Thanks, Juraj