Love

In my life, I believed that love is energetic feeling inside the body.

I saw a girl, when I was just 8 years old, and I experienced immense energetic boost within my body. My legs trembles, my heart beats and energy is pumping through my body. I believed that this is experience of love. I can hardly look on her, I experience myself to be attracted to her, I want to speak with her and look into her eyes but I cannot. I can’t move, I can’t speak, I just stand and my body trembles.

I thought that this is experience of love.  I stored this experience within me and I started to search for love outside of me, believed that the persona/picture is the cause of that experience. I was not able to understand that time, that it was me who created this, it was me who allowed all the thoughts of shame/fear of rejection/energy movement/and self definition to this movement.

Time passed and I forgot and suppressed the experience within me, misinterpreted and misbelieved. I turned to 12-13 and I start to like girls more than boys and I started to feel better in presence of them.  I fall in love into one, but now as idea and believe because the picture I saw in front of me, and I recognize this picture as suitable. But behind the picture I saw another things, I can call it personal abilities of that girl related to learning, the way she speaks, the way she moves, movement of her lips when she speaks, her eyes. I didn’t experience the energetic feeling as before, this fall in love is more base on my desires to explore the woman body, desires to be with someone, and finally to experience the presence of girl and enjoy the time with her.

My school years passed and I went to different school, only boys there. So there was no reason for me to manipulate my behavior in front of girls, as I did sometimes in previous one, in front of girls I wanted to looked better, more clever, with different way of speaking, now it is not necessary, I saw one of my class mate, I became interested in him just in manner of observation.  I was surprised about his look, because the links of his face looks more like girl, but he was a boy.  I found this fascinating, that boys can also look very similar like girls, but they behave completely different.

When I turned to 17, my searching for love changed and started to be based on desire for sex, experience sex and presence of girl, to be with her and explore, and date with her. I wanted to fit into the idea and pattern as all was in, that relationship consists of boy and girls, they have sex together and they share/explore and have fun. But I was not satisfied. I was not because I was not able to feel within me the energetic boost, that immense attraction to girl as I was 8. Still I didn’t understand that time what that mean, why I experienced it and what will be the consequences of that.

I had a pause, long one, forced by myself and the law of country, as I become imprisoned for several years. When I returned to daily life, everything behind me looked like one moment, like never happened, never existed.

My search for love start to continue interlinked with desire for sex and explore more and more, everything what flashes through my mind. I was not satisfied, couldn’t be, I didn’t experience what I want, as I wanted to recreate that feeling when I was 8. I had rushed several years, I changed lot of relationships, based on love and sex, at last one, I stopped.

Previously, when each my relationship ended, for whatever reason, I had suicidal thoughts, I saw nothing in the world and I thought that everything ended because feeling inside me ended. My last relationship, I fall in love so extensively in my mind, that when I kissed that girl, I experienced myself like completely under the effect of the hard drug. I was drugged by my own ideas/believes/thoughts about her and her presence and her personality. I changed with her about 3000 e-mails in that period, and I never had sex with her, I manipulated myself and her extensively, because of my desires for love, because of my believes that what I experience is real. It was not.

Then she reveled herself, her lies and her deception, her manipulation of me, she tried everything on me, and I saw myself, how I did the same, how fake I was. How each of my action towards her was delusion, completely fake because of energy, because of ideas/thoughts/judgments. I read my messages to her, I saw everything, each my word, each one fake. I saw my words and I couldn’t believe that, I read it again and again, but fake, fake fake. I smiled at me, how deluded I was, what I allowed and what I accepted to myself, it was done.

She asked me, and she feared if I am going to hurt myself. I said her, no. Through the tears of broken relationship, broken illusions/believes/ideas/feelings within me I said no. I am not going to hurt myself and I am not going to harm myself and I am not going to allow myself to fall in such lies again. Never. I will not allow again, do not matter how long my life will be, to be in relationship based on delusions, fake words, desires, and believes, ideas, hidden agendas. No. I stopped.

I am alone about 4 years. I am not lonely.

I was lying on the bed, I breathed and I saw nothing, no pictures, my mind is clear.

I experience energy moving through my body, like electricity, rippling and resonating, through my breathe and my body, disappearing in each body part. In hand then moves to leg then chest, suddenly I experience it in whole body, I breathe in.

I experience myself, I experience myself as love, as love of myself, as self love, as limitless love of me, I love myself and I am love. In that moment I experience love towards beings which guided me in my life, and I am grateful for them and I thanks them in the same moment.

Love is not of the feeling, love is not of the ideas of believes nor energy movement within, love is not of the thoughts and love is not of the conditioning, love is not about self definition towards someone or something, love is self, self here and what self is in the moment of breathe.

My search of love ended, as I am love, and as I love myself.

Thanks, Juraj