I missed the point – Money – part 2

When I was small child, I worked because my father requested from me to work therefore I had to work, I had no another option. He rent 2.5 hectares of vineyard and we as all family members worked there, so from my perspective each Friday and Saturday, I worked on this vineyard. And I’d never seen the grapes from it, because it was very young planted so it took years when this type of plant starts to give some fruit. But anyway, I worked there and I never thought that for work I should get the money, because I worked of request of my father, lot of times burned by the sun, as 6-7-8 years old child, didn’t understood that this will have vast consequences on me, as I was not able comprehend the word by itself.

I enjoyed working there and I hated working there, it was changing from hate to enjoy, but not the word hate per say, rather I disliked it. I am not quite sure what hate means, as I never experienced in my life some energetically charged experience towards someone/something as hate should represent. I can relate rather sadness or depression dislikes or anger but hate, not.

When I worked on that place all the day, hungry and tired, exhausted and burned by the sun, we had one chicken to eat for 8 people. Lol. It looks too crazy now for me, because I know that after I ate mine portion of food, I was hungry the same way as before eating, so little portion could not feed me properly. I was pissed off situation, do not understood why after such working I could not eat well, also didn’t understand that my father simply abused us for work.

Also I was not able to connect working with the money, and the fact that in this world it is paid for work, and people work for money. I didn’t get anything for my work, nor money, nor proper food, nor saw the fruits from that vineyard. But I took it as it is normal and that that’s the way how things work.

It was still communism in this country, almost ending, after that sometimes I was selling the news papers, I was around 8-9 years, and going from people to people if they want to buy the papers, I really didn’t liked this job, it was something like beggary, it looked to me that way. Profit from that was extremely low and I never seen anything from it as all profit went to my father or to all family.

Paradox was, that when I was on Sunday in church and I saw that people are giving the money at the end to the small buckets, and I was the one who waited there with that bucket and saying thank you to all people for that money, again it looked to me like beggary, but when all went out and I had go to give that bucket back to backside of the church, I steal some money, not much, just few coins and it worked. Simply, it was the point I completely fucked up with myself, as I didn’t received anything for my work, but when I saw the money and I could steal it so I did it. Then in the shop I didn’t want to pay for the some small ice cream and I wanted to steal it the same way like money in the church, but some woman saw me and called the personal of the shop, can you imagine, 9 years old child from Christian family. Lol.

So I had to come home and face it and say to my father that I steal in the shop, and I was surprised by his reaction, because he just explained me that it is against the god and that I had to go to church to confess from my sin and that god will forgive me. I was shocked because of not punishment from his side, nothing, just some confessing in front of god ? okey, but I was sad because my mother paid some fee in that shop and my father shouted on her that why she paid it. So when I went to church, I didn’t said to the priest about it, I lied and I spoke some good bullshits and I felt guilty to say it, and at home I said that I said true and I had my forgiveness bla bla, great bullshits.

So I didn’t make some big deal from stealing that time, and I developed better techniques how to steal money from church and do not be hatched, but problem was to legalize the stolen money at home, as I understand that no one will believe me some nice bullshit. So I talked good story how I found the money on the fun-fair celebration and that someone had to lost that money and that it is no possible to find owner, bla bla.  And my father? He took that money from me. Fuck. Can you imagine, so great effort from 9 years old child and everything turned to nothing. I was again without money. Damn.

When I was older, I rater steal the food and candies and chocolates in the shops. That time, it was clear that mine connection and understanding of the money was completely fucked up, and it was not enough, obviously. When I was with my father after communism broke down on one car market near airport so there was some guys playing some hazard, the type you have to guess where the ball is under of 3 same boxes from matches. I didn’t knew that it is a lie and that guy is good in cheating, so when I saw my father how he bet the money and lost it, I judged him that he is idiot and he do not know how to do it etc … fuck how I missed it. After few minutes, I saw another guys playing on provisionary roulette, it was not legal that time, and I wanted to bet cause I had 20 crowns, fascinated by that possibility, thought that I can calculate it, so me as 10 years old child I first time played roulette, and I bet there and I won and again and again, and in row I won 6 times, I had 120 and I wanted to continue but I started to loosing and I was not able to stop and take what I had so I participated till I had nothing. I didn’t understand the situation that time and I didn’t tell to my father and I was again without money. So my fuck upness with the money was completed, almost. It was not enough.

When I stolen some money from church or from people I knew, I felt guilt that time, but after some period it come to me like normal, because everybody is stealing so why I should feel guilt ? How sick I was. How great fuck up. Because, stealing, after some time, in our times is now perfect. People sleep, dreaming their dreams, but stealing as torrents are fully loaded and downloads are in place and music and movies and programs are stolen and people dream their dreams and no one notice, to how extent stealing is in place right now. If you steal money from someone, maybe you will be marked as bad person, but if all steal the stuff through internet, it is okay, and no one is bad. Crazy, isn’t’ it?

Because, in my entire life, I just repeated mentioned experiences, again and again and again, I time looped so much times. Simply, I didn’t receive any financial education, and my experiences and connections created by me within me ,was completely missed because that time I didn’t understand flow of money, simply all stuff around money was just my observation and I was not able to see the points, I could not understand why I am abused for work as a small child, why I cannot get proper food , why I do not receive any money , etc .

Paradox was, that I wanted the money which I didn’t like in my life, cause as I grew old I understand how people judge others because of money, and I do not want to be judged cause of money, I wanted to be without money and loved without money and not because of money. I wanted, that people will be with me because of me and not because what I have or how much money I have, because then I cannot be sure it they are honest or not, but that was times, I didn’t knew anything about desteni. Lot of times in my life I has been cheated because of money, and I couldn’t understand, that also my greed was linked to this, but greed for money? It was not only because of money, cause I didn’t understand them, it was greed for my ego, greed for the feeling inside me, greed for the feeling of that I win.

When I was 16 and I had my first regular job, even just only for 3 days, I was helping on construction of buildings, I get 23 Euros for 3 days of working, and I couldn’t believe that for that type of work I received the money, and I do not understand that some one gave me money for that job, cause to me it looked like very simple, very smooth job, when I compared to jobs in my life I did as a small child.

But after all, after many years of repeating the patterns of beggary and stealing and hazard, it came time to stop all of them and focus on supporting the change we all participate it. And it is equal money system, to do not allow such bullshit as I experienced to be created any more.

Equal money system, will eliminate a lot of bullshits in this world, misunderstandings, egos, manipulations, fear of survival and many crazy shit we insert to ourselves, because of money.

Such shits are not worth the life, life is worth much more.

Thanks.

Birds are hungry

Some time ago I started to put some bread on my window parapet, to see if the birds will eat it. After some period, birds found out that on my window are some food and they started to eat it all. I bought some millet and sun-flower seeds and one my friend build provisionary hutch, I put there mentioned food. Few days birds didn’t found the food in hatch, so yesterday I spill out the way from hatch through the parapet.  They ate the sun-flower but didn’t want to eat from the hatch nor to eat the millet. So I again spill out through all the parapet the sun-flower seeds, and today morning, how I was standing in front of the window, one bird comes and another and another, in few seconds there was 10 of them eating everything and start to also eat some millet from hatch, when I came closer so all birds flew away ( maybe scared of me J ) so I noticed they ate everything except millet so I spill out again sun-flower seeds at all parapet and closed the window. In few seconds they start to come back and eat it, so I let them and went to work. I was glad they found that food and that they will not be hungry.

It is clear that we as humans, destroy natural habitat of animals and birds and basically everything around us, and we do not care if they are in hunger, how we can care about animals, if we do not care about humans? How much animals are hungry day by day because we are here, because we destroyed what was here and took what we wanted and let others to suffer and live in hunger. I feed them because I do not like the suffering in hunger, I know how it is. They are hungry, so I will feed them.  Birds have no opportunities as humans and previously I thought that they can easily find food and be okey, but obviously, we are the cause why they are hungry.

I missed the point - Money

I believed that such games are coincidence. I believed that if I participate on such game like roulette/lottery/poker/black jack, it is just coincidence based on physicality / physical setup of roulette for example.  Or if I put some number in lottery, that numbers which will come are simply coincidence. It is not so. It is not. I believed that if I bet some number on roulette, that it is coincidence which number will come. But it is not. I do not feel any energy, when I participated on such games, but it was not such long time ago. Years ago, it was my addiction and most problems in my life I created because of this. I was completely blinded and not able to see what I am doing because I needed to feel that energy inside me, I was completely possessed, to such extent that I simply had to participate on such games, and I do not understood why. Why is a good question? Paradox is, that I was not addicted because of money, I really didn’t care the money, I was possessed because my ego, because my knowledge, because the competition, because the feeling that I know, because, simply I knew which number will fall. Not often, but obviously, I missed the point why I know which number will fall, and why not. Years by years I was not able to resolve this question, I was not able to find out, how come that I know which number will fall, and why I experience the fear of myself to place bet on that what I know, instead of playing against me. I was playing against me, that’s interesting. But, this type of games, are not coincidence, it can looks that way, but when I started to understand, that I am not separated from anything of the existence, this change a lot. When I started to understand that feelings and emotions are fake illusions, that thoughts are the same way diversion on me allowed by me, this change a lot. I wanted to develop strategies how to consistently make profit, how to add one profit to another, and how to be independent of the system,  system of money, which I do not liked in my life. Honestly, I never liked money.  And probably, I hated the money. And maybe, I hated the money till now. I saw and I understand that most problems in this world are because of money, I saw it on my family, on behavior of my father and my mother , my brothers and sister, so much problems of money, that I never wanted the money. Not money are problem, how we live with money is fucking the biggest problem ever.

In my life, we were very poor family, lot of children and very low income, when I attended school, I was not able to even attend most of school trips and so, I had friends and I lost all, because I changed schools year by year. Because I had no money to attend and when I wanted to dance, I had no money to pay for dancing school, simply, in my life I could do only things which didn’t require any money. All sports I was doing as small child, I couldn’t continue because I had no money to pay for lessons, and most I loved was canoe trainings, I loved to be with canoe on the river and feel that nature is wild, I loved water and I loved to play with water and to be with water , once on one river I almost died and my fear has been injected.

When my father died, it was logical that my mother couldn’t pay anything for me, and I was glad that I even had school  needs and that I have pen or pencil. I never had any new things like t-shirt or trousers or new shoes,  everything what I wear that time was old stuff which my brothers did not wear anymore. But I was okey with that, I understood why this have to be and I enjoyed my life, I was able to play on my own for a hours and even forgot that time exists. I never had any real friend, which I could tell everything, i never had any person in my life which I could tell everything I would like. I looked on people and as small child I didn’t want to have the life I saw they live.

I was not able to explain for me why, but I was sure that life I see people are living is something I do not want to live. What I saw was only the same problems repeating and repeating and I wanted to die. As a small child I wanted to die because what I saw here was simply only problems repeating again and again. I wanted to see and live something different, and I do not want to grow old. I didn’t saw any solution, and I couldn’t stop the time and I had to grow and I had to enter the world of adults and I fall almost to the same type of living as others. Except one, I was deliberately throwing away all money I received, and I completely missed the points I could do with the money.

Money are not problem, problem is how we live with the money, how we speak about it, how we fear, how we participate, how we share how we desire it and how we give or receive.  Money is genuine simple tool to change stuff between participants, but we completely fucked up our reality because we completely missed the point of money. It should be equal for all, from life to death, and we can have different world, where most of problems we will be able to solve with ease and those harder ones, we can work together and never allow such fuckedness as we live in today.

Sorting out my mess - stopping another addiction

Ok, I resisted writing after few my blogs, as I had not full understanding how can writing assist me or support me in realizing self. But anyway, here I am.

I have been not honest in relationship with my brother, so this relationship ended. I can say my brother died in front of my eyes, even he was not able to look in my eyes when I asked him questions. I felt deliberately abused by him and betrayed. I perceived him as my closest person from all persons. He was my last brother, but he died. It means, he was never real, how I saw him, how I was communicating with him, how I was silent, so many times, silent because I wanted to avoid conflict for all costs. It means, I was not honest with him, I silently accepted and allowed whatever he did or say, to avoid conflict. This relationship ended, I have no more brothers, I am again alone. Loneliness I experience is vast, I desired and wanted to be in “relationship “ , but I understand that classic relationship is total bullshit. I wanted to be with someone, who can understand what this is all about, but probably, it is not possible.  Probably there is no one who can comprehend or understand what I experience and why I experience. I stopped lot of different things in my life, last one point I took was smoking, I noticed, that I put my stability to smoking, my breath I connected with cigarettes, with that taste, with that breath. I do not smoke, but I feel like I have mess inside me.  It looks to me, like I have to take my stability back, I feel unstable, I feel destroyed and damaged, betrayed, used and abused. I allowed it and I accepted it. Strange. I tested yesterday my trading system, extremely simple, no speculations of the mind allowed. I was surprised, it worked. It generated profit, not vast, just 40 bucks, but I strictly followed trading system, I was bored, but able to follow. Profit was not made by me, but as outcome of following the system. Strange, I understand that without system I am not able to generate and accumulate profit. But today, I completely changed everything, I was not able to follow trading system, I followed my mind, my ego, as I wanted to be more clever as the system, as I wanted to prove to myself that I know how to trade , what a fuck up I did today. I fail completely. Because, I know how much effort I put into stopping everything within me, how long take me to create most simple trading system, and everything what I have to do, just to follow it. So simple, no speculations, no desires, no needs, no fears, no thoughts, system is system, it is strict. And today, I broke it completely and outcome is huge loss. Interesting, it looks like, entertaining & lose, or following system and profit. But profit is also irrelevant, because it is about following the rules of created system. Gambling or trading, gambling or placing trades with clarity and stability. I understand and I am aware, that without it, it will be still the mind, as there is no future or past, there are no relevant points, how to make decision for placing orders. Without system, it is impossible to take appropriate decisions. Without system it is still gambling and I hold onto gambling too long. Really do not matter if this is the trading on currencies, or whatever market it could be, or in casino, or the same way in work. Following the rules of the system create profit also based on system, again no matter on which market it is. What change is picture how the system is represented, and what kind of effort needs to be placed. Without system it is only projections of the mind and desires and fears based on pure speculations and backed-up by nothing by just pure illusion. I understand, that I wanted to place orders based on thoughts, or desires, but this will never work. I know it and I have enough prove. It cannot work, how can be some order valid if it is based on preferences or desires or thoughts, it cannot work in long term. So I tested my trading system and it worked, but it was no fun, there was no energy involved, and I put again too much power to my mind and I fail. I have to stick to the trading system, no matter what; to do not allow my mind anything.  I felt that I am betraying myself, I felt like I am accepting what I do not want to accept. I felt like huge storm inside me, It was like fight, brutal fight, between me and my mind. And I do not want to fight. I do not want to experience storm, I do not want to experience anxiety, loneliness, fear and regret. Breath by breath, I have to develop my stability without energy friction, without cigarettes, without desires to act on thoughts, I have to stand for myself, as I proved to myself lot of times what work and what not. I have no desire to smoke again, even I have no thoughts to smoke, but I feel that I want back my stability. I defined myself too much according cigarettes, and I put my stability to cigarettes, to breath full of smoke.  I do not want to experience so huge misbalance within me, In last three days I spent all my mental powers to do not became insane, I couldn’t sleep, I focused on my breath so much, but no able to stop the living storm and friction within me, one of the “ worst “ experience within me.  Tried to stop but almost lost in that, no way to escape, I spoke lot of self forgiveness and wrote also, after that I become more stable, but not the way I used to be.  I see how much I defined myself according smoking, but I will not allowed to smoke again, simply I gave up smoking, and I really do not care what it will cost, I do not care how hard it will be, I do not care what mind will want to use to make me start again. I will not and I will rather die as I would submit again for smoking. I am doing this for myself and I am giving up this for myself and I do not care who is around me or what situation is around me.  I was on coffee, saw people around me, drinking and smoking, each breath of cigarette, I know how it feels, I know how it taste, and I know how much I loved it. I loved it so much that I was able to die for that. And I see, I put too much power to this addiction, and I am taking this power back to me, as I am the source and I will never ever allow again to cigarettes to have such power over me. I can’t because I do not want anymore. I tried to stop this so many times; I tried to stop this from my 15 or 16 years. I failed again and again and again. I stopped for lot of different reasons, but right now only I am here and right now I am giving up this for me. I am doing this only for me and nothing and no one can change this decision, and I really do not care how thought it will be or what I will experience..fuck, I was not possible to continue and I had to move myself physically, I walked from the office through all size of shopping malls here and step by step how I walked focused on my breath and my body and how I moved I was almost collapsing. I was able only hardly to stop my complete break down as I walked I went out on air and breathe and walk and nothing else just me and realizing that how much of garbage I compounded within me through my life and how I did not want to face it to my own shit. Anyway, it is interesting, now I see. How is writing supportive. It is not about to fear to write or judge what will be written, but just to write it out to make possible to see all stuff from inside written by self.

I did not want to give up smoking, as I had to fight a lot with my family to have “right “to smoke. So much “ battles “ I had to walk, cause not only my mother but also my brothers and my sister wanted to take care about me and train me up and pushed on me because they knew what is best for me. What a shit my family and I have no family anymore. One by one everybody died. First was my father, when I was 13, he had huge cancer on his skeleton on his bowl. When he died I didn’t cry. I didn’t felt anything because I wished him to die because he experienced so huge pain that only absolute egoistic maniac could wish him to live with such pain, with such terrible experiences, with such cancer which eats all his body and led him to death. I wished him to die as I see no point for him to live as I saw no chance for him to cure himself. Everybody around me cried, everybody around me was devastated by his death, but me not. And his god didn’t help him. His god didn’t hear him. And he prayed. All my family prayed to that god which does not listen.  Everybody push me to pray with them to worship god which do not want to be seen and which do not listen and which do not help if someone is in terrible trouble. What a god, what a mighty god which is not able to help if someone needs help.  But how can an illusion help? How can an illusion listen, how can illusion and pictures in the minds of worshipers listen the praying ? What an absurd and pervert it is. How pervert human is, to pray to his illusions in his mind to help him to correct what he done?  How terribly absurd it is, our teachings of our children, how we insert so much lies and bullshits to them. How we kill their innocence and how we kill them and manipulate to worship the same fuck up as we believe in. My father beat me because of his god.  And I had to worship and I had to pray. But when he needed help from his god his god was not there for him. His god which loves him with so unconditional love let him cry and suffer and die in so terrible and painful experiences, that even hard to imagine how much he suffered. I saw him and I saw how healthy man turns into skeleton which experiences pain and terribly suffered. This was his god. I wished him to die because I wished him to stop his suffering; because I saw only death can stop it. All my another relationships with another family members, start to dying within me one by one, even those people are “alive”.

As I see, all my relationships has been dishonest, based on fake words, fake personalities, as I was the same way fake as others was. I have no more relationships and if I will find in my mind some still alive I will stop and I will let go all of them as starting point of all has been lies. Fake pictures, backed up by fear, anxiety created and inserted and allowed as I participated on such brainwashing with all members of my family. I almost lost myself, I almost lost myself in such lies and in such fake experiences and in such fake living attitude. I stop. Lot of has been stopped and lot of waiting on me still in my mind to be stopped. Breath by breath I will rebuild my stability without cigarettes, as breathe as me here.

Sex and orgasm

I remember the times, when I first time heard about orgasm. When I first time read about it, and started to be interested in. What it is, how it feels, what orgasm is. Small child, laying on the bed, looking on the female doll and imagining how it is, when woman body is adult, how it looks, what could be that touch to the body, what it is what I feel when I imagine those pictures, what it is what I feel inside me, what it is what I feel in my penis, and what is orgasm.

I become excited about that feeling, I was first time masturbating even not aware what’s going on. Wanted to find out, wanted to explore, and wanted to experience it. I found the magazines of my father, obviously it was not advice how to support myself, but porn. J

I looked at all the stuff there, pictures, positions, males and females touching each other, kissing, penetrating, I liked it. I was excited about it, and very liked the stories, it turns on my imagination, where pictures are only pictures, but in my mind, there was a lot of more. Sounds, movements, all situations in front of me and I am looking at it, created in my mind by me.

I was not interacting, just looking at the scene and excited observing it. People there, their desires, their feelings, their way of performing sex, and I am looking and no one knows. No one see what is going on inside me, how my imagination is very busy, I am very busy with my imagination. Occupied with pictures, movements, sounds, speech, excited in each moment and desired to explore it for me by me and experience it.

I created the desire and I become the slave of it. As a child, I couldn’t have a relationship, so I was aware, I have to wait when I will be adult and then I will have a girl and then I will explore it all. I was bored by this idea that I have to wait, I wanted to explore it immediately, why not.  But how, I am only 9 – 10 years old child. Ok, if it is not possible, so I will wait, pissed off about this but whatever.  I started to read stories, sexually oriented, I loved those stories the most. I was bored about all stuff around, playing football, yes it is fine, but it was not what I desired. Each moment, I saw some girl, my attention catches by her lips, her movement, looking on each parts of her body.

Wanted to know what it is, what it means, orgasm. Read a lot about it, manual already understood. I started to masturbate, no ejaculation, nothing, just some feeling in my penis and in my head, o yes, this have to be that orgasm. But not satisfied with it, it has to be something greater than this, maybe because I am so young and I cannot have orgasm.  But that was not reason for me to stop. I started more and more, repeating and repeating masturbation manual, because I have to know what orgasm is and I have to experience it.

I was not picturing myself or scenes during masturbation, I was not good at multitasking that time J I was focused on my penis and that inner feeling in me, in my head, in my penis. After some time, I started to understand, this what I feel, this is orgasm. I started to define myself to this feeling, started to create addiction on it, started to perceive it as something the greatest from the greatest. Not knowing what I am really doing, not knowing what it means, blinded by my own feelings inside. I become blinded by energy release and my self-definition to this release.

When I grew up, I started to transform my knowledge to practice, with girls, relationships created, perceptions of myself and women.  After first relationship, I jumped to another and another and another. Many relationships I had, completely possessed by energy of my mind, completely controlled, absolutely fucked, mind shows me a lot of possibilities how to experience sex, and I wanted to experience each one of.

I never fall to limitation of myself regarding the sex in meaning, positions or what I like and don’t or what I have to have or what I don’t. It started to be for me game, it started to be for me experiencing of possibilities what I can do.

As I experienced still the same orgasm, I started to look for something which can enhance this feeling, where my orgasm can be greater and stronger and last longer.

After some time, I started to notice interesting thing about me, in meaning what I am able to do for this experience, for few seconds, how much manipulation I am using, how much lies just for this desire to be full-filed.  

I started to be bored, about all the shit in regards of relationship between men and women. About all the deception and the games, both are playing on each other, to just full-fill their inner desires, needs, fears, whatever it could be.  Each one defined and perfectly addicted on this energy, able to lie deceives and manipulate, no matter what, because their desire have to be full-filed.  

I was the same, and I started to see it in myself. And I saw myself within this, and after my last experience at my last relationship, I stopped.  I do not wanted to involve myself to such lies again, as I started understand, that all in relationship are fake, driven just by inner “demons” of participants.  Because, energy is what plays the game, and energy is what the men and women are slaves for.

So I continued, without relationship, but masturbating each evening and morning, it becomes my habit and something like what I have to have to function normally. Started to notice on myself, that how come, that I cannot stand the energy pressure within me, how come that I have to do it otherwise It looked to me that I become insane if I don’t.  

Pictures, around me, each day and everywhere, girls, women, so attractive and so provocative, it was my perception.  Their moves, their configuration of body, how they speak and move and behave, everything started to turning me up.  But I did not wanted to go to relationship, as I do not wanted anymore experience the shit of relationship, and the most reasonable was for me, the fakes , poses, and manipulation within this.

So masturbation was something like substitution of all of this, and by the way, simply, I do not wanted to go to such effort just for few seconds of “ great “ feeling inside me. When I saw, how much I had to involve myself to receive what I wanted, simply, price started to be very, very high.  Masturbation started to be enough for me, but I had to have it daily, otherwise, I was not able to “ live. “

But how to stop all of this, how to get out, how to understand, what is this all?

I started to experiment with myself, my body, and especially start to focus on the physical, started to focus on my breath, how I touch, how I define myself to that touch and I how feel it.

Last time, several months ago,  I had urgency within me, to experience myself with some woman, but I do not wanted to go to relationship and start all mentioned shit again, so I called to girl which I saw on net, yes it was whore.  

When I came to her flat, I said her I do not want from her to touch my penis or masturbate or make me blow job and that I do not wanted to fuck her.  That all I want is just touching, no strong light, just mostly shade in room, no music or not intense, just for background. I started to touch her, slowly, gently, observing my reactions within me, observing every movement, closing my eyes and focus on my breath during those touches. Looking and searching for energy within me, my definitions of pictures I see, my definition within me in regards naked woman body, shapes of her breasts, hands, neck, chest, belly, ass and legs.  And stopping, stopping everything which come up, each pop up of the mind, stopped. Not focusing on her, but on myself and my breath.  Went down near to her pussy but she was not naked, and investigating within me, what’s going on inside me. Close my eyes, and realizing that it is about pictures and my definitions to those pictures, seeing clearly within me, why, how I defined myself to these pictures. Looking inside me, If there will be some desire to break my intention to just touch her. Will I be able to stand it, will I be able to not fuck her, and will I be able to not want to experience orgasm if I can. But nothing within me, nothing what could make me to change my decision. I saw for myself what I needed to saw, I realized lot of points within me.  I finished, hour passed and I went home.

Interesting experience, but I knew that time, that this was not everything what I had to understand for myself.

Days by days, I continued with masturbation, and focusing on my breath, no pictures in my mind. It started to be harder and harder to have erection, I noticed, without thoughts penis do not work. But during focusing on physical movement of my hand during masturbation, noticed it is turning me up, but prolonging it, without pictures, without thoughts, almost impossible to finish. I started to help me with some specific thought, picked one and holding it, or just picked one picture and continuing. But, just few seconds, just few before the orgasm, I cleared my mind, I deleted the picture and thought also, just dark and my focus on my breath, focus on physical. Orgasm, started to be different, started to be weak. Ejaculation, no strong “shots”  but just only pouring the semen from my dick, energy released but my experience of it, changed.

I started to understand, that focusing on my breath will be the best choice during this. In few days, I was repeating this several times, until last time.

Last time I masturbated, I experienced nothing, I did not experienced any orgasm, nothing, it was almost the same like peeing, nothing special, nothing magnificent, nothing great.  Just released energy from my body, and that’s it. No self-definition to this release.

It was last time I masturbated, from that time, I had never desire to masturbate again. Or experience the “orgasm “again.

It is more than 3 months, and there is no sexual energy which I should release. I stopped and I am walking it with ease, it comes to me like there is nothing within me, in regards sexuality, pictures or anything what I had related to sexuality before. It is like no existing, nothing. I do not have to fight with energy, I do not have to stop it as I stopped already.  I just walk it, no matter what, I am proving this for myself, as I do not want to experience fake orgasm anymore.

I realized, all orgasms I experienced in my life time, was simply fake. It is just only self definition to the energy release, self perception of this energy, and what self put value for this energy.

I see now, after all of this, how I was blind, how I deceived myself with energy, how I was slave to this energy. How I fucked myself and how I raped myself, and how I limited myself because of energy.

And for me, it is like taking the power back to me, taking the power back to the source, as I am the source, because of my allowance and acceptance, energy has power over me or not.

Thanks.

Lies

I lie. I am lie. I fake. I am fake.  I loved lies. I become lies. I lived as a lie, fake image. Fake words, I become those words. I wanted to stop.  

How?  How to stop what I am living? How to stop lies if no one knows that I am lying.  How to stop if there is no confrontation with my lies?

I mastered lying. I am able to lie to anybody without movement within me, without reaction. I lie directly. I lie without hesitation. I lie instantly.

Lies becomes my living, lies becomes what I am. Lies becomes my companion, lies becomes my world. My world is full of it, as I created it, my veins, my blood, my life is based on lie. I open eyes at the morning, and all lies of me are with me, my personality, and my presentation.  It is faked. My smile is faked, my touch, literally, everything.

 I wanted to escape it, I wanted to hide, I wanted to deny.  But, it is impossible. I cannot escape, hide or deny, as no matter where I am, I am here with my creation, with my lies. Those lies are with me as me within me.  I mastered the quiz – How to fuck up with myself completely. Ask me a question. Any you can ask. Reply will be a lie. Why? Because I am that lie. I become it. I love it as it is only what I know. No worthy to spend a time to ask me questions. I do not judge me. I do not judge it as “bad”. It is my way of living.

I wanted to escape those lies with another lies. How foolish I was.  I looked to the mirror. It is a picture, reflection, those lies are behind.  I am addicted. Addicted on lies. I allowed and I accepted it, I wanted it, I needed it, I desired it.

The manipulation and abuse which I created is extensive. Years over the years, there was no person in my life, to which I told true. How can I, if what I loved was that manipulation, that abuse of others. There was a no person in my life, which I didn’t abuse.

I remember the times, when I started, to use the lies as protection of myself, as protection from others, to do not be harmed, to do not be punished, to do not be responsible.

To hide.  Pche.  But in front of whom I wanted? It is paradox, but in front of me, to don’t face to myself, to don’t face my allowance, to do not face what I accept.

Simply, I didn’t want to see, what I allow and what I accept within me in me as me.

But something changed. I changed. I stop. Self-honesty is the key for change.

My resistance

This is my first blog, after I found desteni, desteni people, desteni message, message of self. I didn't want to write, nor make some vlogs. My reason and excuse was, everything has been written, and everything has been said already. But not by me, but not about me, as I keep a lot of stuff within me and didn't want to share it. Keep for myself where noone can see.

Those who went through desteni material, they know what is this about, those who don't , maybe this will assist them. But first, I started to write blog to support myself, to assist myself, and to see for myself when and why I fucked with myself. As I see that writing supports me in realizing self.

I resisted to write about myself, as I know, that through writting I will reveal a lot of shit created within me by me through my life time here. I know that all that shit I accepted and allowed, and I become it. I didn't want to see what I created, I didn't want to share nor write about it, because why ? Why I should ?

And this is not about anybody else, it is just about me, to show me in front of myself, how deluded I am and I was.

I am doing this for myself, as I asked myself, what I really did for myself.

And If my writing will be supportive for others, that's great, as we are here to walk our process and support each other to do not live fake of ourselves but live for real.