Many
times before, I experienced various resistances to write, when point came up,
but as usual, I placed the points in front of me and could see.
Here, Now, it is
different, it is no more resistance to write, actually, writing is the point I
really enjoy, as over time writing becomes something which is for me really
intimate, allowing me to understand and see. And as the resistance is gone,
something different emerged, and it is simply not wanting to write the point,
holding the point within me, seeing, knowing that sooner or later I will have
to let go, but this is like wanting to keep this for myself, as that which
defined me a lot as all points of revenge I lived, and without revenge I am
like gone. But lets have a look, why I hold to this point and why I am letting
this go.
I was on the kayak
tournament during the weekend and many importing things happened to me, and I
was with all team on the way home. I was very young that time, and understand
what happened that weekend took me almost my whole life till here.
I move out of the bus,
as we stopped finally in our home town and picking my things out of the bus,
talking with trainer and guys around, it is night. Little bit cold weather, I
look around and people are here, which are family members of guys which was on
tournament also, and as I see, for each one someone came, father, mother,
brothers or sisters or whole families. And I just remained standing alone, and
no one is here just me. I am looking in the dark of non-illuminated road and I
see no one came. It is strange, even I do not expect no one will come, but
whatever, I move up the road. Why no one came?
Blinked through my mind and I do not
know answer, the road to home by tram and bus is quite strange, as that
question many times emerged, and comparison of seeing all others with someone
who came for them and seeing me, that from my big family nobody.
I
am entering the flat, and I see I am hardly noticed that I came, I have so
plenty of things I would like to talk about, so many things happened, and I
just see that family simply continues the way as always, and no one ask
anything from 7 members of my family, anything about me, tournament, how it was
going, no one care a shit to even ask any of kind question, no one interested
at all. And thus I see, why they should care to come for me to place where bus
came, if they even do not cared a shit about me and the tournament, I am
starting to doubt if they maybe noticed I was not here. Mother, father, brothers and sister continuing
to talk, behave like I was not away for 2 days.
I
stand and see they do not care, I stand and see that no one is interested in
anything about me, and this is hurting me so deeply, this what I see is killing
me from inside. And thus I stand and realize that they even do not know that I
am the best in whole team, that my technique and my drive is one of the best,
they have no idea what happened this weekend and why I will probably stop with
kayaks forever, what I realized, what extreme experience I came through in the
canal and many more and I see they do not give a shit.
I
stand and I ask myself, as I see no one care, why I should care? Why I should
care about them all if no one cared a shit about me? And you will see, as I am
here I will revenge to you the same way u did to me, I will not care the very
same way as you do not cared.
This
is my vengeance, this is my statement, this is what I will live and I will
became the revenge. I will revenge you and you will see how this can hurt, you
will see how it is if I will not give a fuck, and time will come you will need
me but I will be no more here. You will not be able to get back your words,
your ignorance and no matter what will happen I will ignore you, this is my
living as I see who you really are.
I
will not care, I will not ask, I will not be interested, not in you and not in
anybody else, as you do not know and do not wanting to know, thus be it. You
will never know who I am, what I live, why I live the way I am. You will never
know me, see me or comprehend me. Simply, because I will not tell you.
And
thus everything you know about me is just bullshit you believe in, because yes
u know me, but only that what I allowed, the pillars and the core of me, will
remain hidden in front of you, and whatever you will believe in, will be not
me. And I will not care, as only once I will see you do not care, I will take
on my revenge.
But, as I said before, I am giving
up the revenge as me.
Thanks, Juraj
