Saturday, December 3, 2016

Day x174x – Impossible love.


         I loved to dance but I do not dance anymore, I loved to make paintings, but I do not paint anymore. I loved to meat people, I do not meet anyone. I loved to speak, most days I am silent as there is no one around anymore to speak with. I loved to love, I do not love anymore. I loved to touch a girl, look into her eyes, yet I do not anymore as year by year I am single. I loved to write, I do not write anymore, except this article. I loved to think, imagine, hope, to the future, I do not anymore as I do not see future anymore. I loved to walk memories of me but what remained? Nothing more to check within and as past. I loved myself, I do not anymore. I’ve been sad, and sadness defined me, but not anymore.

         I’ve been in regret and sorrow, in shame, in judgment, I am not anymore. I loved to explain, check, investigate, I do not anymore. I loved my family, friends, I do not have anymore any of that. I loved my car, I do not have any. I loved the sun, yet it is winter. I loved the breeze, yet I do not experience this.

         I loved to see myself, in future, as who I will be, yet everything is different, what I would never imagined. I loved to overcome obstacles, yet nothing to overcome, as nothing will come.

         What happened, Juraj, to love you have been? Where that love went? And I am not saying about love in context of positive feeling, nor feeling of love at all, as love, is not a feeling, my words before, explains what and how I see and understand love, yet love I do not use towards anyone in any context as a word. Juraj, where is love as you?

         I asked myself, thousands of times, who I am, how come I am. Am I? Yet many may think that I stopped to walk m process, as my activity everywhere I stopped, yet I never stopped to investigate myself, and walk me, and challenges and difficulties. I never stopped to breathe, as my breath was only thing, with self-forgiveness, thanks to which I am here.

         Thousands of times, walked the same points, thousands of times, stood the odds, thousands of times, stood up. Thousands of times, fallen. Those who watched me, through all my days, through the years, should I thank you or should I ask you to leave? Yes, I see, can not ask to leave any part of me, you was always with me. But we can laugh about it, how many times, you looked at me, and wondered, how come I did it again, despite all that knowledge, all that realizations, despite all points walked, despite all of everything, despite all, again. To stop judgment, but hey, what this word even means, it make no sense.

         So many polarities witnessed and understood, so many stopped, and yet I have to ask myself, how I can create life?

         Yes life, because in creation of death, I lost myself, I have no idea how to create life, what life means, of what life is, yet I am life. I have no idea, what I am as life. This seeing, where creation of death led me, not seeing how to create life, how? Thousands to questions answered, can be great support to anyone, yet not doing so, because of this one fall?

         I watched your lives, yet mine and yours, are so different, that none of you, can see it, except those who walked with me. So different yet the same, this paradoxes I see, I have no words to describe this. I have no words to describe me, as who I am, as words. I tried, I had to use many and still it was not valid, not valid description of me.

         And standing water, as me, crashed the rock of me, water more solid then rock, yet still, who can understand this words, except those who walked those roads of clashing powers?

         So much I could say, but not anymore, as who understand? I tried, not anymore, I loved to speak, yet where’s that love?

         Faded, still not gave up on me, as I asked, why? Why you simply don’t?

         Shining, through lies, standing in storms of hate, transforming yet not knowing next day will come. Still here, always, not knowing next day will be, but still is. This day, is still, stand still.

         And those words, using, as me, and I said thus will be and is and was, yet many of them, not of me, not from me, not me, some of those words, are not mine, how is it possible ?

         Created impossible, and had to face the revenge of me, through impossibility of creation, yet still done. But only for that reason to face those points ? Seems to be silly, so much effort, so much patience, so much details, and this precision of this creation, where I amazed stood and watched this to face only this point and again everything lost as had to move on. How I can explain this, if only you, who walk with me, saw it. Even, can I, to anyone? How much books I would have to write, to explain all those details, linked together, in creation of such moments.

         And this seeing, in and as moments, as how much points had to come together, within and as impossible precision, still manged to happen, for this one point. Is it worthy? Or even, should be? What even this word means, as I asked.

         And I wanted, someone would understand, and see, what it was, and yet it again only you, no one else can, as you was the creator and you witnessed it all, only you.

         Will you ever give up?

         The words, do not exists, yet you create them, you bring into existence that what do not exists, how is that possible, how you can, to resonate through space, where distance is not valid, how you can, negate distance?
  
         How you can, make distance obsolete, how you can, make impossible possible?

         How you can be me?

Thanks, Juraj


Friday, October 17, 2014

Day 173: Time has come - Lengthy process of Trial and error

                Some moments passed, within my life, when I came to read the words – “Lengthy process of Trial and error”, and this words, seems to be simple, but what this means and represents, within process, is different story, as behind those just few words, are tons of points, and those words has been spoken by Bernard.

                For me, Bernard, was someone who was able to piss me off so genuinely, that his words was so pure and true, that my state of being pissed off could last only few moments, as I was able to see what he is speaking, but yet, not following what I see for me I want to exactly, despite of fact that I simply had to agree of his words, as truth is simply truth and there are no versions.

                I was not able to stood up for me, expand my potential the way I am capable of, support me the way I am doable, and Bernard, did for me the most, but way that I will eventually come to the point of starting to see what process really is, what is standing for something, what it means to let go the past, who I am and why I am, how I created myself, I was never able to give up to introspect my past, me, who I as within my life,  why I was, my decisions and starting to sort out me.

                Bernard offered me life, as life what life really is. He offered my joy, freedom, patience, discipline, skills, abilities, wisdom, and truth, seeing, understanding, carrying, being, living, love, me.

                Sunnette offered me the same different way.

                I was curious, how come, someone can offer me so much and do not want anything back?

                Anu, Enlil, Enki, Marduk, Jack, Veno, MyKey, Winged, and others showed me existence beyond mind imagination, and thus I came through most shocking realizations about myself, shocking such way and so deeply, that nothing and no one has power to bullshit me about us, mankind.

                World, as it is, do not know, do not see, is not aware who Bernard was, and what this man, just one, was capable to proceed, and what he did for everyone equally, world do not know, what world lost with los of this man.

                But here are others, which are able to see his words, and these beings walk their processes, and thus message of equality and oneness will be spread to all parts of the world, and continue and live as we will live our words.

                Bernard, and his words, resonated within me and I had to investigate, I had to see for myself, I had to realize what his words means, I had to and thus I decided to go on way of Trial and Error, as I had to prove to me, how I work, who I am, why I am, what I created for me and which way of live I decided to live for me. The way I went through some points was so extreme, that I am sometimes surprised that I am still here, but yes I am. This was really not necessary, it was not required, I could choose more peaceful way, I could but I didn’t. I could many things and once Bernard said these words to me – “you could prevent this”. I was pissed off by these 4 words so much, because yet those words were true, but for me extremely painful, because many realizations came after fail but it was too late, too late go back and took on the point differently, make other decision, or change anything, once things are done, it is over, finite, end, past and nothing more just memory of what has been done.

                I was pissed off because of me seeing his words and what his words means, yet acting many times in direct opposite of what I saw for me. But to understand for me, what I act, the way I act, was so important and crucial that I risked my life many times for this, I risked everything and I lost everything and everyone, I lost all but nothing.

                Give up all to see you gave up nothing, I choose for me very rough way, full of pain, agony, regret, almost insanity, and it was only me who decided to walk my process such way, and nothing of this was necessary, but for me, because of point of decision, direction, to see and realize.

                To see points coming up from unconscious believes, formed in early stage of my life, was leading me to self-destruction, because of my benevolence.

                My benevolence, of letting my mind to decide, letting still my mind power, letting my mind to show me where I will go or will be if I let mind decide, was not quite beneficial decision for me, yet again same way crucial to came to decision, that this way, simply is no more way I want to live, by any means.

                I simply had enough some would be shocked and would not believe if I would write what I came through in last 2 years, and especially why.

                I could use many words, but only one describes everything best, EGO.

                After all and everything I have done unto me, I simply surrender walk and live my life as EGO. I see why and where I led me as EGO, fine, this is done. I capitulate and surrender as EGO.

                Bernard said about EGO so many points, and my investigation and living me as EGO was extreme, I was many relations of his words with and as my life, my decision, and again I came to realization and seeing his explanations, and what this all represents.

                Within this, I had to come to decisions for me, to re-take what has been by my benevolence let as points of direction for my mind, and to take all my power back to me, where this power as me as being as direction of me belongs.

                Mind had authority over me almost all my life, except within some specific points in last 6 years, and this authority is not where this belongs, as simply, it is useless and serve for nothing.

                Everything I have done, and came through will be not in vein, and everything of me as me will expand to the utmost potential possible.

                Vastness of dimensions of mind, looked difficult and hard to comprehend, to put everything together, yet I have proven that this is possible to walk and stand in equality and oneness.

                One of my decision is, that my blog will be no more public, as I have to go into every intricate detail of my mind, I have to go and see utmost seemingly irrelevant blink of my life, I have to go into each possible detail of me, everything I created myself as, because if I would not, I would be never able to complete what I decided to complete for me.

                Therefore, this is last blog which is displayed publicly, and new one will be created, where access to that blog will be given only to those, which are part of Desteni, walk their process, and are part of Leadership forum.

                If over time other blogs will be posted publicly, is part of future decision.

Thanks, Juraj

                


Saturday, August 2, 2014

Day 172 : Let go the past – Let go the knowledge




                I found, hard and difficult, for me to step beyond this point and embrace this point as me, as it which I separated from, as it point, not me as self.

                I see what I do not see and what I deny as me, this is difficult to see.

Thanks, Juraj


Monday, July 21, 2014

Day 171 : Connection – Con-action




                 I was not able to grasp how people can stop connection to each other, just like that, in one moment, for whatever reason. I was looking on things, how people interact, and once I saw something ending just like that, especially connections of people to each other, I was surprised, little shocked. Despite of this, I was even equally surprised once I was able to see behavioral changes in those around me, moments I was looking on them surprised, not understanding why they changed so fast from enjoyments to anger, etc, I was really surprised lot of times, and lot of times because of reason.

                The reason, why something end, why something start. Beginnings -  Ends repeating. The realization, that true reason I will never know from outside. I can trust only a little to those words I hear as reason of other’s, I saw this many times.  Relationship as connection, as con action thus con as direction of life for simple reason. I was not there, in those moments as direction of life, simply as see as moment in decision, but I followed in my ways energies developed from childhood, and as I as this child was looking on changes around me, this beginnings and ends, I wondered, why cannot something last? Why everything have to end? This seeing, of endings, I become to see this as why that even happened, if it has to end? How being are born and how they die, everything, cycling, and I was shocked.

                There is moment, where everything have it’s own end, and this realization and very question, thus what is going to last forever? As a child I wondered, I wondered and I become naïve, in my way, when I trust, who I trust, why I trust, to someone, something. This wonder, like staring on something and “long“ moment is passing while things are put together because of something unexpected happened just in front of me, related to changes of behaviors of others, and see me as frictional  changes over time, and why I reacted those ways, all those things works the very same principal of beginning and end, and here is funny point, what remain?

                Simplicity is in this realization, everything of the mind will come to the end, because it has to, as this exists by this principle and can’t exist “different way”. The end point of mind energies, brings point where I step forward and thus I am no longer directed by mind. This way mind works in each dimension, and mind by itself, has end point, this means, the question, do I stand as me?

Thanks, Juraj



Saturday, July 19, 2014

Day 170 : I stop when I stop – When I stop?





                To stop the point, no matter which point it is, I simply have to decide be here. Once I am not in the mind all days, I see how point after point is challenging me, and I went through lot of them, and this ego point, me as simply this E-go instead of I go, is challenging me constantly, continuously, in such frequency, that is astonishing, once I started to see mechanics of me, understand me, see me as who I am as mind, that I still was not able to stop E-go point entirely. This is quite interesting, as I started to see, that through separations, judgments etc, which minds offer constantly, simply I can’t stop any point. It is simply impossible, because this will still bring polarity and thus friction and energy which will be followed.



Self stops, when self decide, any moment, self move once self stops. Self stops, once self embrace point as self as oneness of self with everything which self stand for as the point, self see. That's self decision,I decide.



Thanks, Juraj 


Monday, March 24, 2014

Day 169: I will all-ways Love you




                I spoke many times the words of love or likeness towards the girls, I dared to, I wished and I wanted those words to be spoken back. I wanted.

                I speak those words and I tremble, I speak and I shake as I am insecure about reply and I wish to hear the words of likeness of me but I fear I am mistaken, I fear things are not the way I perceive and think, I hold the hand and I kiss and I am pleased, I am satisfied, I am experiencing the feeling, the feeling I like, I like this girl, I love her, I know it because I experience this feeling, but, something, something I do not considered, I do not considered, that this, what I experience – is Lie.

                The moments I dared to express and spoke those words towards girls are gone and seem to me like never happened, like just the frame of the past of my actions and my words, my words, as love towards anyone, I was fake. I was fake within such words, I was not aware.

                And this experience and this feeling, is lovely, it is energy moving within me and fulfilling me, this energy I think is love, it must be, this lovely love feeling, must be love because it is directed toward a girl, and I am male thus this is love, yes it is, but, I see – it is fear. Not love not likeness just fear. The fear of me, fear of who I am, why I am the way I am, fear of future and present, as I do not know, I do not see, I am not aware thus I fear and this fear is fulfilling me and I think it is love and I am mistaken and I lie to me and I lie to girl because I fear.

                Within the words I spoke the likeness and love of someone, in fact there was my desires, my intentions, my needs and wants, my projections, how it would be, how things can be, how future can be, my energy and my experiences, within such words I manipulated because of wanting to simply experience what I feel within me, in the state of mind I am experiencing love, which was just – Fear.

                Fear in many ways, fear in me, and I think I will always love you but in fact I will all ways fear you, is true meaning of such words, always to fear, me.

                How strange it is, to say, to someone, and to promise and to project, that I will be all ways in fear towards this being, how insane this is, and more insane, the marriage of two based on the fear as projection to end of the life.

                Blindness within such fear allow the being to commit themselves into a doom of them in lies and dishonor of love, they accept to abuse such word each way possible to maintain their energy, and it is just fear, and they will fight and protect their fear, and they will dare to kill for their love – for the fear.

                The beings, here, as me, blinded within such love, not seeing and realizing what in fact is going on within them and around them, and the moments pass and things are happening and day after day, year after year, decade after decade, life is passing and the life in fear and projection of love and what love is, and within the last moment of the” life”, being realize the most shocking truth about themselves, the truth about their love, and what they lived, but it is to late. To late and all is gone – just this seeing and realization remain – You was fake all life, each way possible, because you feared you.

                I breathe, slowly, I am the breath of the body and I am in and as all parts equally and everything of me is equally considered, shared, touched, fulfilled with me as breath as I am here and I am love, I am expression of love as innocence of me, I love me and I love you as me and this is me as who I am within such moment as I see, realize and understand, for eternity as the truth of love – is Equality and oneness of me.

Thanks, Juraj