I am not
able to express and write or speak who I am as I am not able to describe who I am.
I am not able through words describe me, what this me is. I can’t define who I am
and I can’t determine this me. As I am here I can walk my inner bullshits and
sort out my demons, and maybe finally to get to a point to deal with the demon
of me as mind I became.
I have to say, that I was
surprised, what I saw within me, as me, what is part of me, and what eventually
was as me or me as that all the time but I was just not able to see within me
all this shits deep within.
To uncover the thoughts, and
what thoughts represent is from certain perspective simple, yet mind as me, me
as mind is trying to hide the truth of me each time I see within.
And yet, once one stop to judge
that what is real within, I was really surprised about myself. There is nothing
like positive energy, positive thoughts, or positive attitude, nor negative or
that what should be presented as negative. Nope. As me, in me, there is specific
point, and that I my dear ego.
My EGO, me as the one who stand
separated from everything and everyone, and anything which exists I simply deny
through and as my ego. Me as ego, is that what is true face of me, and yet I never
said to anyone, what I see within and as me. Maybe this is not necessary
anyway, as each time I let something go thus this no more direct me, determine
or define me, or better say, I do not consist and exist as that point I solved,
and what I solve and what I walked for real simply never came back.
But what is still coming back,
is simply me as the ego as eye, as how I see myself and everything else
separated, and that way I experience myself, just here within and as my body,
to certain level my body as I am not able to put my head down and say that yes I
am equal and one with my body, as this is simply nonsense, as I am not aware of
my body so much stuff, that this is now irrelevant to solve. Yes the touch,
almost all of those I make I am aware, once breathing and focusing on this, but
my body is not just that. Each cell and each atom, molecule my body is made of,
I am not aware at all as I am separated from everything my body exist as,
because the energy influences I accepted to separate myself from my body. Even
so, the level of awareness of my physicality goes into a point of me breathing,
and the touches I made, but everything else, is simply hidden because of the
ego I became.
The ego of me, and what I walked,
and what starts to unfold within and as me, what I started to see, many times I
was firstly ashamed, I felt guilt of me, surprise and wonder how come this is
me, how come this exist as me, how come that this is in me, as me. How come
that I am this and how come that I exist as this. And always I have to search
back within my life to see the relevance of past moments I accepted myself to
create and based myself on.
The ego I became, the ego I created,
the ego I am, is to the most level possible influenced by pictures of my
environment, as simply I believed of anything which pictures presented to me
and I forgot to ask the truth behind, as each picture carry the truth behind
but the picture is not this truth by itself.
The very reason, the very fact I
am able to see this world as pictures in front of me, is learned because others
told me so, and I accepted those words from others and thus I became this
believe, this believe in pictures and that world exist as this pictures. But
the eyes, mislead very well, as I used my eyes to see as mind thus as the one
point of me, one singular point of the eye of me as EGO I became.
And the eye of the mind, the eye
I am as ego as me, is not the space nor physical nor anything, just this one
point which exists as pillar of me I became that, as believe I am this one
point I see world and others and everything which is here.
This one point, because I became
this ego, is simply the bubble of me, where everything serves as protection of
this self created bubble, and me as the ego, is hijacking everything around to
protect this, this ego as me, is sabotaging every way possible everything to
sustain itself, me as ego is so fuckingly scared to give up this ego, this
bubble, that even to myself it seems impossible to give this up.
But the perspective of my life,
and the ego I created as me, is heading to one certain point, certainty of this
point, which will come as inevitability is death.
And the death by itself, is only
one point I am absolutely sure that this will happen, and I have no doubts that
I will die. What will come in my life, what I will face, what will be the stuff
I will have to deal with, everything of this is to certain level placed
already, as I created the consequence of my life and thus this is known, but
the many possibilities which will come as well are unknown and hidden and to
certain level determined by decisions I will make.
But, again, anyway, simply do
not matter which decisions I will make, and what will be outcome of this
decisions, and what consequences I will create or stop, everything I will do,
speak, write, will lead me with absolute certainty to the point of death.
This point of death of me, is
the point of my last breath I will breathe out, and in and as this last breath I
will die. Within the moment of me dying, the ego I created as me will cease to
exist, no matter how much I tried to protect this, as I am aware that I will
have no longer have access to memories as past moments I created myself as.
Within this, what I am as ego,
is simply, maybe sad fact, but not real. I am not real. I live in self delusion
of me, created because of that what I lived, and who I am as life, is
forgotten.
And maybe the most sad fact is,
that the existence of me as ego, is because of one point and believe, that me
as the mind, is more than life.
Me as mind, me as this one
point, I fall into and as believe, that I am something more that life, because
of believe that I exist, but this existence I call myself, are just activated
memories of my so called life I accepted myself believe as, and this fact, is
simply not sexy.
I thought to myself to be
superior over the life, but in fact, it is way around. I am absolutely
dependent on my physical body, and subject to my body, and I exist as this one
point within and as the mind, as EGO.
And this one point I became, is
demon I am, demon I became, demon locked and imprisoned as the mind. Everything
else, are just relationships towards this one point I am.
Within this, I am interested, if
I will be able to give up this me as demon as point I defined myself as,
because so far, I am not able to see into such depth of me, because, there are
lot of things to sort out at first.
Thanks,
Juraj
