Part of the journey, is The End.

     When I took first step in this journey more than decade ago, I had no idea into which I decided to go into. And here I am speechless, and within this I was able to see how silence is the sound and what this means.

     Me as the realization, that I am all of the existence, penetrating all which exists, as the creator, became the foundation of me walking the days, the moments. Here two points emerged, and it looked simple, stop all judgement as all is me, and unite all polarities as all exists as those.

     Within this, my curiosity became shattered, as I seen that everything and anything I would encounter, would be me.

     I stand and I see while speaking to "others" that all physical is me, hugging myself as expression of love.

     As the breath of me, I see that real love is expression of oneness and equality, and anything else is deception, lies, you name it as you live it, therefore love do not exists as oneness and equality do not exists within humans at all. And I seen millions stand for noble reasons and claim and describe love but unfortunately, all of them live in deception of themselves the very same way as I used to. It is a pity ? Shame ? No. It is what it is, as each being, deal within themselves with polarities and judgement as own creation.

     I could create this illusion of me separating myself from everyone and everything, and live happy life, which would be not real, but for mind, this doesn't matter. Mind by itself do not differentiate between dream, illusion, or reality, as for the mind, comprehension of what is real do not exists and can't exist and never will as mind by itself is not real. And something as the mind, which is not real and never will, therefore will never exists understanding of reality, because this would be always in separation.

    And this is not even a purpose of the mind, to see what is real, or understand, or love, as mind can't do this, because mind is polarity creation with judgement to create this lovely energy, in separation from anything and everything.

     Going way back, too far to very begging, this idea, that I can't be alone, and someone or something else must exists, was a fall of me and for everyone else, as through this I created infinite separation and emergence of infinite beings as awareness of me, all forgotten and lost that all is me, unfortunately manifested to very situation we are all in here.

     Many could see this as a problem, and want to fix this, but here is nothing to be fixed. I created illusion of infinite separation from myself, and here all live it. And this can't be fixed as all believe in it, all became it. I could spend life times with each being, walking together, to explaining, to share, always with the same outcome, as mind has always the same outcomes, no matter what I would do, as I tested this through thousands of iterations, and I will not go into more as I proven this to myself already.

     Within the prove, by paradox nothing can be proven for anyone, yet mind so desperately requires prove, but can not prove itself into existence  as mind always dies.

     We could all live in harmony on this planet, as expression of love and oneness of ourselves, but this will never happen here. Yes, many tried this, many are trying, many will try, and all of that actions, all of those words, all of everything will be always futile. Until the moment mind exists as a system powered, until that moment love is not possible.

     Here maybe few sees, that slave is the master. How is this possible is quite interesting, as many could say that master is simply over the slave, but this is in fact other way round.

     Few beings wanted to be masters of all, not seeing that they deceived themselves into submission of this creation, as me, and that what they enslaved was in fact always their master. Through simple act, of will, to place oneself as less then, masters could emerge and through the same act as placing oneself as equals masters diminishes. It was never real yet dozens of beings came through this and will.

     Within me seeing all is me, I was really surprised to be attacked by those who claims their stand, for asking a simple yes or no question, or being bullied for simple statement, or being deceived by those who claims to be real. And I had to start question myself from point of view I never did before, and re-explore polarities creation within myself.

     The act of will, and decision, can not be forced to anyone. No matter, how hard you would be, which roads you would make, which lifetimes you would chose to place anyone through, it would
never matter, and it would have no effect, simply, if any being chose anything, it can not be changed by any force no matter how strong such force would be, as being as awareness is by itself the strongest force which could possibly exists, as each being is creator, therefore GOD, and you can not force GOD.

     I had this desire, when I lived as a woman in previous lives, to know and explore how it is to be a man, interestingly each life time me being a man ended the same way, as a woman I was always the same, and as a man I was the same, as a being experiencing animal form I always encountered the point I shattered. Interestingly, each man comes from a woman, therefore man a woman polarity is so funny deception all live by, as each woman is a man at the same moment each man is a woman, because of polarities all live by, yet beings love to determine themselves in this polarities. O yeh, I am The MAN. Here I am, the WOMAN power. Really ? How so ? And who would you be when you lose your dick and your vagina ? You know, death is waiting. Death has infinite time and will always come, and the standing as the death is quite a task, to strip each being of everything.

     Would you stand as a death ? To invite each being into your hug, and within this hug take away from them literally everything ? Would you call this absolute cruelty or a gift ? Yet, even death is powerless over the being in point of your will and your awareness can not be taken away. Therefore you could choose separation from yourself for eternity, and no power would be able to change your decision. Therefore, violence, war, destruction, will never bring anything and never change anything and never make anything better.

     Each being here, exists as separation from themselves, and separation means lack of something, and lack of something means you are in negative state of being, which could bring you positive, and thus close the loop of polarity of your mind and state, therefore positive will never be answer as positive is deception. And as each being exists in negative and became it, thus on this planet things will never go to better, but by paradox worse.

     Until each being reaches by own decision into deepest depths of themselves and see their negative and resolve this negative point, until then, love is not possible nor real. Bring here real love, is a task worth stand for, who will chose this, must be also prepared that it will never play out.

     I choose the road out of curiosity and while walking this road curiosity within me died. I choose this road to explore everything yet I lost everything. I choose this road to understand and see the words yet I became speechless. I lost everything, for nothing. And nothing, is the highest reward I could possibly gave to myself, as only nothing is real, every be, ever was. Nothing is silence and silence is sound.

Everything else, is only your illusion.

If you dare to question yourself, and walk into nothingness, I invite you.

     My journey ends, maybe yours begins as me, and I will stand with me as love of myself as equality and oneness of me, no matter which roads you chose. Even death.

I will always love me.

Juraj

Day 162 : Revenge – My purpose my pleasure

                I desired revenge and this desire I wanted to fulfill, make true, it was my likeness and my pleasure to see that things can turn round and those who hurt me can suffer more than I suffered, satisfaction coming from this revenge I liked.

                Many times I do not needed to act in any way what so ever and just wait, time by itself brought to those I desired revenge for, their misery and agony within them being lost and trapped in the mind. I felt superior and satisfied, I felt being more and stronger.

                I see this as a great perversion towards life, to see pleasure and satisfaction in misery and horror of others, searching for answers, lost in their realms of the mind and I smiled.

                Many times my intentions turned the worst way possible and thus I have been confronted with this point, how my intentions are in fact fake, because they can morph and from “good” intentions mess and havoc I created, as always.

                It was like always around me, despite the fact I wanted others to let me be and let me live, to do not interfere to my life, to do not say to me how I have to live, what I should do just let me be, I always mess and havoc created and place those around me into situations they was not prepared to deal with, nor me.

                The revenge, and the punishment, within this superiority and inferiority took place always, and thus what I followed? Ego as energy, yes my lovely purpose to accomplish, my reason for my life, to see oppressors suffer. And they did , as they will always suffer, as each being trapped in the mind suffer, thus me the very same way, as for decades I suffered by revenge I was busy to accomplish.

                Smile, words, mannerism, cool persona and fine guy yet plot within my mind already in place, plot and wish to others to die, to suffer, to go through horrible experiences as I did, to show them how it is, to show them what they did, through suffering and pain and agony within them, and seeing this please myself, how pervert this is.

                Many thoughts others had about me that I will never do specific things and I did just for the sake to show them they have no power over me, not noticing that by this I gave to power to mind to just follow the very same way as others the designs of energy, everything just balancing out.

                Where was in this equality and oneness? Yet I am controversial for myself, the relationship I created within me towards me is controversial, as I see, understand and realize that only equality and oneness is real, as love. Only real love is equality and this is for me bulletproof, yet many times I lived opposite because just this revenge I needed accomplish, this revenge as my ego.

                This revenge is the very same way energetic experience as all experiences but my most secret, loving and precious one. To give up?

                It was hard even impossible to give up something I was not able to see within me I am doing, making me desperate and insane in many situations, within me in my misery because of this loving energy.

                I will show you – secret thought in my mind, you will see. Another one coming after first, and the wolf in the sheep cloak yet still sheep because still following the ego. I fucked me. I was good in this.

                But things changes as I change day by day, moment by moment.

                Give up on revenge - this is my commitment to myself.

Thanks, Juraj 

Day 159 : Who I am, Who I became, Who I will be

                I am not able to express and write or speak who I am as I am not able to describe who I am. I am not able through words describe me, what this me is. I can’t define who I am and I can’t determine this me. As I am here I can walk my inner bullshits and sort out my demons, and maybe finally to get to a point to deal with the demon of me as mind I became.

                I have to say, that I was surprised, what I saw within me, as me, what is part of me, and what eventually was as me or me as that all the time but I was just not able to see within me all this shits deep within.

                To uncover the thoughts, and what thoughts represent is from certain perspective simple, yet mind as me, me as mind is trying to hide the truth of me each time I see within.

                And yet, once one stop to judge that what is real within, I was really surprised about myself. There is nothing like positive energy, positive thoughts, or positive attitude, nor negative or that what should be presented as negative. Nope. As me, in me, there is specific point, and that I my dear ego.

                My EGO, me as the one who stand separated from everything and everyone, and anything which exists I simply deny through and as my ego. Me as ego, is that what is true face of me, and yet I never said to anyone, what I see within and as me. Maybe this is not necessary anyway, as each time I let something go thus this no more direct me, determine or define me, or better say, I do not consist and exist as that point I solved, and what I solve and what I walked for real simply never came back.

                But what is still coming back, is simply me as the ego as eye, as how I see myself and everything else separated, and that way I experience myself, just here within and as my body, to certain level my body as I am not able to put my head down and say that yes I am equal and one with my body, as this is simply nonsense, as I am not aware of my body so much stuff, that this is now irrelevant to solve. Yes the touch, almost all of those I make I am aware, once breathing and focusing on this, but my body is not just that. Each cell and each atom, molecule my body is made of, I am not aware at all as I am separated from everything my body exist as, because the energy influences I accepted to separate myself from my body. Even so, the level of awareness of my physicality goes into a point of me breathing, and the touches I made, but everything else, is simply hidden because of the ego I became.

                The ego of me, and what I walked, and what starts to unfold within and as me, what I started to see, many times I was firstly ashamed, I felt guilt of me, surprise and wonder how come this is me, how come this exist as me, how come that this is in me, as me. How come that I am this and how come that I exist as this. And always I have to search back within my life to see the relevance of past moments I accepted myself to create and based myself on.

                The ego I became, the ego I created, the ego I am, is to the most level possible influenced by pictures of my environment, as simply I believed of anything which pictures presented to me and I forgot to ask the truth behind, as each picture carry the truth behind but the picture is not this truth by itself.

                The very reason, the very fact I am able to see this world as pictures in front of me, is learned because others told me so, and I accepted those words from others and thus I became this believe, this believe in pictures and that world exist as this pictures. But the eyes, mislead very well, as I used my eyes to see as mind thus as the one point of me, one singular point of the eye of me as EGO I became.

                And the eye of the mind, the eye I am as ego as me, is not the space nor physical nor anything, just this one point which exists as pillar of me I became that, as believe I am this one point I see world and others and everything which is here.

                This one point, because I became this ego, is simply the bubble of me, where everything serves as protection of this self created bubble, and me as the ego, is hijacking everything around to protect this, this ego as me, is sabotaging every way possible everything to sustain itself, me as ego is so fuckingly scared to give up this ego, this bubble, that even to myself it seems impossible to give this up.

                But the perspective of my life, and the ego I created as me, is heading to one certain point, certainty of this point, which will come as inevitability is death.

                And the death by itself, is only one point I am absolutely sure that this will happen, and I have no doubts that I will die. What will come in my life, what I will face, what will be the stuff I will have to deal with, everything of this is to certain level placed already, as I created the consequence of my life and thus this is known, but the many possibilities which will come as well are unknown and hidden and to certain level determined by decisions I will make.

                But, again, anyway, simply do not matter which decisions I will make, and what will be outcome of this decisions, and what consequences I will create or stop, everything I will do, speak, write, will lead me with absolute certainty to the point of death.

                This point of death of me, is the point of my last breath I will breathe out, and in and as this last breath I will die. Within the moment of me dying, the ego I created as me will cease to exist, no matter how much I tried to protect this, as I am aware that I will have no longer have access to memories as past moments I created myself as.

                Within this, what I am as ego, is simply, maybe sad fact, but not real. I am not real. I live in self delusion of me, created because of that what I lived, and who I am as life, is forgotten.

                And maybe the most sad fact is, that the existence of me as ego, is because of one point and believe, that me as the mind, is more than life.

                Me as mind, me as this one point, I fall into and as believe, that I am something more that life, because of believe that I exist, but this existence I call myself, are just activated memories of my so called life I accepted myself believe as, and this fact, is simply not sexy.

                I thought to myself to be superior over the life, but in fact, it is way around. I am absolutely dependent on my physical body, and subject to my body, and I exist as this one point within and as the mind, as EGO.

                And this one point I became, is demon I am, demon I became, demon locked and imprisoned as the mind. Everything else, are just relationships towards this one point I am.

                Within this, I am interested, if I will be able to give up this me as demon as point I defined myself as, because so far, I am not able to see into such depth of me, because, there are lot of things to sort out at first.

Thanks, Juraj  

Day 146 : Worry of silencing friend

                 I was in discussion with friend, and as many times I take the lead of topics we speak about, I became sometimes speaking like “too much“. Within this, I noticed the change in behavior of my friend and that friend became quit, silent and not wanting to speak about anything.

                Thus we sat silent for a some moments and I experienced pain in my left finger point, thus I looked on this point as what is taking my direction in “our silence” and I realized, that It was my worry, as being afraid that I am the cause of making my friend silent and thus worry that because of my words she refused to speak for that period.

                I realized that in any means, my words can’t cause in someone energetic experiences, unless that persona is accepting it, and within this the point, that I never see what is going on behind the “wall” of picture as thoughts, energy experiences or backchats of persona I am speaking with.

                Everything I do, I just speak about different points, realizations, experiences and so on, and thus my worry, that I am the cause of someone stop to speak is my own delusion, as came out clear later.

                I applied SF on this point, of being afraid and worry about myself and my words or that I am the cause of experiences of my friend, and after several moments, she said she start to experience anxiety and that she do not wanted to speak because of this energy experiences. Thus I said several suggestions how she can take on this point of experiencing anxiety and release herself from such bullshits, as it is just her own creation of this experiences she have/had and thus she should support herself with writing and applying SF.

                What she will do about this is her decision. Anyway, interesting point is, how during the communication of two, one or both can start to experience energy movements, points coming up, suppressed and not resolved anxieties, stress, fears, worries and many others points, and also how can one effectively support oneself if is aware about the point which is here.

                Self forgiveness and breath, the points one can support oneself the most.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 66 : If I think – I am fucked

                The moments I started first time to try stop my thoughts, it came to me like not possible, hard, I was even not able to comprehend, that human being can function without thinking, move without thoughts, act, speak, express and live without presence of thoughts within mind.

                But yes, it is possible, it is possible to live and have silence in the mind, not thoughts present, no reactions, just breathe and speak.

                I am far away from the point where absolute silence of me as me I live, but I’ll get there. The moments in my life, which I enjoy, really enjoy and like, are those when no thoughts, no energies, no movements of energies I experience, just me, walking here around, in environment I am in, and I just am. The moments I enjoy most are moments of silence in my mind.

                In moments when thoughts came up, and I start to participate on that thought, immediately I experience some kind of energy, I am aware of it and thus I have to stop that energy, thus it is useless, to participate on thinking and then stop energy, it is easier to stop thinking, to do not participate on it, to do not give attention to it, to do not charge thoughts with energies.

                The specific patterns which occur within me, are those where I put the most energy thus this thoughts have tendency to come back over and over, till I remove all energies related to that thought, to eventually really and for real remove that thought and stop it, stop energy experienced related to that thought and finally silence my mind.

                The most energy I put into are those ones, which the most reflect my desires, or needs, wishes, as that what I want for myself as positive, as that what I like or as that what I would like to live, to have, to enjoy, and it is just experience of energy related to those desires or wishes.

                Sometimes, occur within me the point of blaming myself for participating on thoughts and “self-speak” known as back chat, as I always see how useless it is, but sometimes it is like late to stop as I already participated on that. Always, I am using this as a support for myself, to see where I fucked myself, how and why, to be able to see and the points directly , to do not have to go through all stuff again, as really, it is please to solve the point I am facing and go on and let go.

                It is the biggest pleasure for myself, to see what I allowed, to see how and why, what I lived, to release myself and allow myself to go on, as the past is past and thus past have to go.

                Sooner of later, each one of use will have face the point to have let go everything ones allowed and accepted, it is really better to stand up sooner like later. You decide.

Thanks, Juraj