I am self-forgiveness

               When I started to use self-forgiveness towards myself, as this understanding within me that I am the one who has to forgive myself, where this understanding originate back into the past, when I was child, I had quite a struggle within me and even effectiveness of this act has been some time really questionable, despite the fact that I was writing, speaking, walking and attempting to push myself through resistances of my mind as myself.

               Why, is because of a concept, what this word means, what this word stands for, what this word represents and how I see this word, specifically because of English variation and thus meaning connected to it, where meaning in my mother language is quite different, yet still the same. Point is, another point of view.

                In Slovak language, here this word is translated as a word, “Odpustam”. Which, if I would translate back into an English as a meaning of a word, “Odpustam”, this would literally mean – I am letting go. When I was using English variation, when I started to forgive myself, as this sentence:

“I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed”…, this for me mostly represented something as an act of giving to myself, but how could I possibly give anything to myself, when I was not able to see as how I gave anything away from myself, at first place.

               When I started to use Slovak variation, this would sounds and means more like this: “I am letting go that I have accepted and allowed to myself” … and the letting go, would stand literally within and as moment, where I hold something, or hold myself in and as something, you can imagine that for example as a situation in life, this would be: I hold something in my hands, for example a thought, a believe, a cup, or a chair, do not matter if physical object or that which is of the mind, but act of letting go, this would mean, that I am holding this cup in my hands, and I am letting go this cup and I do not longer hold this cup in my hands, I am and here in this moment, placing this cup with my hands on the table or flor but it is not me who is holding this cup anymore.

               Thus, act of self-forgiveness, for me would be would be as follows: I am holding in my hands a thought, or a judgement, that for example by neighbor is and idiot, and I hold this judgement in my hands, and I am taking this judgement from myself because I saw it within my mind and thus I am aware of this judgement and thus I cannot longer ignore it, that this is part of myself, thus I am taking it from myself and letting go this judgement with my hands, in this context, and I do not longer hold this judgement within me, because I let it go, I placed it away from myself, and this judgement is no longer with me, in me as me, because I placed it away from myself, and thus I do not longer hold it.

               So in and as act of self-forgiveness, I started to use Slovak variation, sometime with combination with English language, but beginning always in Slovak, because I wanted to see what is within me, recognize and acknowledge the point which I am going to let go, and really let it go, thus forgive to myself.

               Within and as self-forgiveness, and letting go, and by letting go, thus I am giving myself the power and authority over myself, I am taking literally this away from my mind, and by letting go, I am becoming authority and the one who stand as power of myself over me, and not accepting and allowing myself no longer take this judgement back with my hands into myself, because I simply let it go.

               If point had multiple dimensions, if 5 or 10 or 500, do not matter, I had to see with how much “ hands “ I am holding this point within me, and by act of forgiving, I am letting go this point from “ all hands “ I found this point I have been holding within and as myself into.

               So, for me, self-forgiveness became the point letting go and at the same act giving power back to myself as where my power really belongs. Through this act, I was able to start to see, how I was giving my power to my mind at first place, and how I was taking this power away from my mind.

               If you would read my blog, all my articles, and if you would read all self-forgiveness, which I published, this would be just a tiny fraction, maybe 1 percent or even less, in context of self-forgiveness I walked for myself, because of following:

               Many times, when I realized some point within my mind, and start to apply self-forgiveness, I started to see mechanics directly within and as reality I am in, or from past, or from past lives, and I started to walk, around the house I live in, or I started to walk in the city, or river, or nature, and speaking self-forgiveness to myself as myself. After certain period of time, more likely years, I started to see more and more or deeper and deeper into myself, some self-forgiveness was about several dimension, some about more, but there was and situations, where I was walking hours and hours and hours, and forgiving myself all dimensions related to the original point as all dimensions I was starting to see and uncover, as one point is always leading to another, I couldn’t simply let anything related to the point I started with, remain within me, unforgiven.

               This can be imagined like this: Point with one dimension, is one cup, which I held within me and with my hands. Point with 500 dimensions, is like holding 500 cups within me. So, I had to see how I was holding these 500 hundred cups within me, and thus be able to let go and forgive the point in its entirety.

               After certain period of time, years, when I walked many points within me and when I let go many of them, each time, when another one I revealed within myself, and became aware of it, I simply couldn’t let this point be part of myself, because I was able to clearly see, that this is of the mind, and I simply didn’t wanted this point to be part of myself anymore, I do not wanted this point to have power over myself, and I couldn’t let my mind have the authority over me in this point any longer, so I had to release myself and let go.

               But here another point revealed, that sometimes, the origin point I started with, has been leading toward so many “cups” that even after hours and hours of putting these “cups” away, I was still not finished with this point, and I started to experience my body going literally into a “collapse”, so I had to stop putting this “cups” away and let them go, because I realized that some point has these “cups” so many, that I simply can not do it at once, meaning one day, and thus some of them, took really years to see them all and let go all.

               After years, I realized, that I became self-forgiveness of myself, and that mind can not longer have authority within me, and even the way which I have been sounding self-forgiveness to myself,  I started to speak and sounds self-forgiveness quite a different way, and the way I sound and speak self-forgiveness changed a lot, because I had to match the exact “frequency” or “vibration” or “wave” of creation of such points within me.

               So after many years, and after many roads walked with me as me and forgiving and letting go and giving to myself, I became the one who became literally self-forgiveness of myself, and here I stand and here I am embodiment of self-forgiveness of me as me as expression of me as who I am as awareness of me, until all will be self-forgiven and let go and transcended within and as me.

               So if you are walking the road of self-forgiveness of yourself, let self-forgiveness became you, became one and equal of self-forgiveness of yourself, and you will be sure, that you will never ever be lost again, or fooled, or deceived, be your mind.

               If you became self-forgiveness of yourself, you will reach silence of yourself, where the authority, direction, decision, of yourself, will became the expression of yourself, as who you really are, and you will not longer be the prisoner of your mind.

               Do it for yourself, no matter what, because, at the end, you will see.

Thanks, Juraj

              

            

Day 173: Time has come - Lengthy process of Trial and error

                Some moments passed, within my life, when I came to read the words – “Lengthy process of Trial and error”, and this words, seems to be simple, but what this means and represents, within process, is different story, as behind those just few words, are tons of points, and those words has been spoken by Bernard.

                For me, Bernard, was someone who was able to piss me off so genuinely, that his words was so pure and true, that my state of being pissed off could last only few moments, as I was able to see what he is speaking, but yet, not following what I see for me I want to exactly, despite of fact that I simply had to agree of his words, as truth is simply truth and there are no versions.

                I was not able to stood up for me, expand my potential the way I am capable of, support me the way I am doable, and Bernard, did for me the most, but way that I will eventually come to the point of starting to see what process really is, what is standing for something, what it means to let go the past, who I am and why I am, how I created myself, I was never able to give up to introspect my past, me, who I as within my life,  why I was, my decisions and starting to sort out me.

                Bernard offered me life, as life what life really is. He offered my joy, freedom, patience, discipline, skills, abilities, wisdom, and truth, seeing, understanding, carrying, being, living, love, me.

                Sunnette offered me the same different way.

                I was curious, how come, someone can offer me so much and do not want anything back?

                Anu, Enlil, Enki, Marduk, Jack, Veno, MyKey, Winged, and others showed me existence beyond mind imagination, and thus I came through most shocking realizations about myself, shocking such way and so deeply, that nothing and no one has power to bullshit me about us, mankind.

                World, as it is, do not know, do not see, is not aware who Bernard was, and what this man, just one, was capable to proceed, and what he did for everyone equally, world do not know, what world lost with los of this man.

                But here are others, which are able to see his words, and these beings walk their processes, and thus message of equality and oneness will be spread to all parts of the world, and continue and live as we will live our words.

                Bernard, and his words, resonated within me and I had to investigate, I had to see for myself, I had to realize what his words means, I had to and thus I decided to go on way of Trial and Error, as I had to prove to me, how I work, who I am, why I am, what I created for me and which way of live I decided to live for me. The way I went through some points was so extreme, that I am sometimes surprised that I am still here, but yes I am. This was really not necessary, it was not required, I could choose more peaceful way, I could but I didn’t. I could many things and once Bernard said these words to me – “you could prevent this”. I was pissed off by these 4 words so much, because yet those words were true, but for me extremely painful, because many realizations came after fail but it was too late, too late go back and took on the point differently, make other decision, or change anything, once things are done, it is over, finite, end, past and nothing more just memory of what has been done.

                I was pissed off because of me seeing his words and what his words means, yet acting many times in direct opposite of what I saw for me. But to understand for me, what I act, the way I act, was so important and crucial that I risked my life many times for this, I risked everything and I lost everything and everyone, I lost all but nothing.

                Give up all to see you gave up nothing, I choose for me very rough way, full of pain, agony, regret, almost insanity, and it was only me who decided to walk my process such way, and nothing of this was necessary, but for me, because of point of decision, direction, to see and realize.

                To see points coming up from unconscious believes, formed in early stage of my life, was leading me to self-destruction, because of my benevolence.

                My benevolence, of letting my mind to decide, letting still my mind power, letting my mind to show me where I will go or will be if I let mind decide, was not quite beneficial decision for me, yet again same way crucial to came to decision, that this way, simply is no more way I want to live, by any means.

                I simply had enough some would be shocked and would not believe if I would write what I came through in last 2 years, and especially why.

                I could use many words, but only one describes everything best, EGO.

                After all and everything I have done unto me, I simply surrender walk and live my life as EGO. I see why and where I led me as EGO, fine, this is done. I capitulate and surrender as EGO.

                Bernard said about EGO so many points, and my investigation and living me as EGO was extreme, I was many relations of his words with and as my life, my decision, and again I came to realization and seeing his explanations, and what this all represents.

                Within this, I had to come to decisions for me, to re-take what has been by my benevolence let as points of direction for my mind, and to take all my power back to me, where this power as me as being as direction of me belongs.

                Mind had authority over me almost all my life, except within some specific points in last 6 years, and this authority is not where this belongs, as simply, it is useless and serve for nothing.

                Everything I have done, and came through will be not in vein, and everything of me as me will expand to the utmost potential possible.

                Vastness of dimensions of mind, looked difficult and hard to comprehend, to put everything together, yet I have proven that this is possible to walk and stand in equality and oneness.

                One of my decision is, that my blog will be no more public, as I have to go into every intricate detail of my mind, I have to go and see utmost seemingly irrelevant blink of my life, I have to go into each possible detail of me, everything I created myself as, because if I would not, I would be never able to complete what I decided to complete for me.

                Therefore, this is last blog which is displayed publicly, and new one will be created, where access to that blog will be given only to those, which are part of Desteni, walk their process, and are part of Leadership forum.

                If over time other blogs will be posted publicly, is part of future decision.

Thanks, Juraj

                

Day 162 : Revenge – My purpose my pleasure

                I desired revenge and this desire I wanted to fulfill, make true, it was my likeness and my pleasure to see that things can turn round and those who hurt me can suffer more than I suffered, satisfaction coming from this revenge I liked.

                Many times I do not needed to act in any way what so ever and just wait, time by itself brought to those I desired revenge for, their misery and agony within them being lost and trapped in the mind. I felt superior and satisfied, I felt being more and stronger.

                I see this as a great perversion towards life, to see pleasure and satisfaction in misery and horror of others, searching for answers, lost in their realms of the mind and I smiled.

                Many times my intentions turned the worst way possible and thus I have been confronted with this point, how my intentions are in fact fake, because they can morph and from “good” intentions mess and havoc I created, as always.

                It was like always around me, despite the fact I wanted others to let me be and let me live, to do not interfere to my life, to do not say to me how I have to live, what I should do just let me be, I always mess and havoc created and place those around me into situations they was not prepared to deal with, nor me.

                The revenge, and the punishment, within this superiority and inferiority took place always, and thus what I followed? Ego as energy, yes my lovely purpose to accomplish, my reason for my life, to see oppressors suffer. And they did , as they will always suffer, as each being trapped in the mind suffer, thus me the very same way, as for decades I suffered by revenge I was busy to accomplish.

                Smile, words, mannerism, cool persona and fine guy yet plot within my mind already in place, plot and wish to others to die, to suffer, to go through horrible experiences as I did, to show them how it is, to show them what they did, through suffering and pain and agony within them, and seeing this please myself, how pervert this is.

                Many thoughts others had about me that I will never do specific things and I did just for the sake to show them they have no power over me, not noticing that by this I gave to power to mind to just follow the very same way as others the designs of energy, everything just balancing out.

                Where was in this equality and oneness? Yet I am controversial for myself, the relationship I created within me towards me is controversial, as I see, understand and realize that only equality and oneness is real, as love. Only real love is equality and this is for me bulletproof, yet many times I lived opposite because just this revenge I needed accomplish, this revenge as my ego.

                This revenge is the very same way energetic experience as all experiences but my most secret, loving and precious one. To give up?

                It was hard even impossible to give up something I was not able to see within me I am doing, making me desperate and insane in many situations, within me in my misery because of this loving energy.

                I will show you – secret thought in my mind, you will see. Another one coming after first, and the wolf in the sheep cloak yet still sheep because still following the ego. I fucked me. I was good in this.

                But things changes as I change day by day, moment by moment.

                Give up on revenge - this is my commitment to myself.

Thanks, Juraj 

Day 136 : Money and me

                Money and the usage of money, became the most misunderstood point within my life, and usage of money real horror in my life. Due to the lack of education from my parents, where religion brainwashing was really extensive, thus I created really terrible perception of money and myself within this world, and simply because of this I refused to take self responsibility for usage of money.

                Money, and how I saw myself, people, and why, the foundation of this is my father and my mother, where I wanted to be like father and better than him, and opposite of my mother.

                All other points related to perception of money, when I start to grow up was layers upon layers of bullshits and lies within me as creation of myself through acceptance of mind components.

                I was many times in that position, when I perceived that I walked for myself this money point, but after all and everything the fall of myself took place, and next and another layers come up within me, another points and another self deception and my delusion in regards of seeing money.

                The information and knowledge I have about money, is quite extensive, but this serve to me for nothing because it is knowledge, for myself to see and realize how, why and when and because of what I created the myself the way I did, I placed myself into a position of risking my life, and after all I see it was not necessary to go through everything I went through, but it is done and what I did and created for myself is something, no one would like to go through, as it was horror and just simply question is why?

                And the very simply answer is, I didn’t walked self correction in relation of money and usage of them, as to walk self correction for myself was impossible, not matter how much self forgiveness I applied, no matter how much times I tried, I simply never walked through the door I opened for myself to free myself from this deception I created within and as me as money, because I was still looking into the past and because of this still judging myself for that what I accepted within me.

                Yes, thanks self forgiveness I realized many points related to this, and one shocked me more than other, you can imagine that hundreds of self forgiveness points I applied, and when it looked I am done I fall and because of this fall I judged myself, because I was really pissed of myself and thus trapped myself into circle of applying self forgiveness, standing the point for various periods of time, and again fall, and again repeat this circle and simply, from certain perspective I am tired of this.

                I see than within this point I moved forward, but still, I am not sure if this was enough for myself to finally walk through the doors I still see opened and simply close them and never look back on this door, and let this in the past as where past should remain.

                This all, and everything I did because of money, simply means, that I never decided to stand up for myself in this point, as if I would, thus this words would be never written here.

                The points I stand for myself, are done and I do not have to go back to that points, and this point of money, now seems to me like only point which is still here, like I gave all my attention in my mind to this point, and thus made from this point the mountain if front of myself, but not seeing and realizing the simplicity of walking this point and what I really have to do to walk self correction.

                And to make from some point, the biggest point is useless, because, mountain seems to be too big to walk through, and because mountain I created in front of me, thus fear I created within me, as what if I am not able to walk through.

                It is paradox, I feared what I created within me, as me, and I placed this point as more than me, thus me as inferior and thus see myself that maybe possibly I am not able to walk it.

                But what is this about, to see, realize, and correct. Maybe, I finally realized and maybe I correct myself after all. Maybe, I finally really see what I created within me, and maybe finally I will walk this.

                Time will show.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see myself as loser and the one who always lose and thus separate myself from success and exist within and as mind polarity of lose / success.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to myself to separate myself from my father and see my father as superior and myself as inferior, and thus accept to live the mind design of superiority / inferiority.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from design, systems and programs and think and believe that those are bad as those took away from myself my money and thus exist as memory of systems which are taking money away from myself in separation from myself, instead of see and realize that it was me who accepted and allowed to myself to give away my money.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from time, as time is just flow of moments one by one.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I see and made money as an object of desire, in separation of myself from money as physical and thus fear money, instead of see myself and money as equal and one as physical as that what is real as paper and coins and thus use money the effective way to support myself here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that fear of money is real, and that I have to fear money and think and believe that money are bad.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I will never have money, and that money are the point god is against and that if I want to enter to heaven I have to live as poor, as loser, as the one who have nothing and only then I will be able to enter the heaven as god domain.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I have not had to have money because of religion brainwashing of perception of money.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I never have money and that I have to be poor.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see myself through money as when I have money that I am more and when I do not that I am less and thus accept myself to live as polarity of the mind more / less.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see having money as be free and have freedom and thus desire to get lot of money, to have a lot of money and by this desire separate myself from money.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see myself as a slave when I do not have money and thus do things which makes from me slave of money because I saw myself that way.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to judge my father and see him as bad because he took away my money away from me and thus think and believe that always someone will took away my money and thus act, behave the way this came true, because of this believe and because I existed in fear towards the money because of believe that money will be taken away from myself by some authority.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to refuse to pay for that what I have to pay for.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to judge my father because he do not punished me when I wanted to steal in shop and when I stole money and thus think and believe that stole money is ok, because of seeing myself through punishment from my father, and thus what I was punished for see as bad and what I was not punished for see as good and ok.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see myself through points my father punished me or not, and thus what I was punished for see as bad and judge as bad and what I was not see as good and ok, and thus exist within and as mind polarity of punished / not punished thus good / bad.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create within me the energy friction as seeing myself through money and money by itself, and thus if I have money see me as superior and that I have right to talk and if not thus I have to shut up and remain silent and thus exist within and as polarity design of having / not having money and be this generate energy within me, as when I have money thus I am the one and superior and if not feel sadness, sorrow and pain and judge myself as bad and not worthy.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see me through money and as that If I have money thus I am accepted and if not thus I am rejected by others, not seeing and realizing that it is me who have to accept me, not through money, but me as all as equal, no matter how much money I have.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to accept myself no matter if I have money or not.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see myself through reward system and thus see myself that I will be rewarded by money and want to be rewarded by money if I do some action, and judge others as bad if they do not reward me with money.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to judge my father as bad because ho do not gave me any money from those I found in wienna, because I desired to receive some money and expected that he will give me some money and thus exist within and as mind judgment of my father as bad because he do not fulfilled my desire and my expectation and thus separate myself from him.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to judge my father because he do not wanted to pay for glasses which I needed to see correctly and thus think and believe that it is ok when I do not want to pay for something I have to, and thus refuse to pay for that what I should.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and accept the money as part of me, and thus exist within and as separation from money in realms of the mind, not seeing and realizing that money as physical are the same as me, and that I am one and equal with money thus I can’t desire money I am already money also.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to act, behave and create myself as opposite towards my mother as the one who think and believe that I do not need to calculate how much money I get and what I should pay for and thus use money effectively.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see myself through polarity of the mind as money, as having money thus see myself more than, and superior and having not money as less then thus inferior, exist within and as mind design of inferiority and superiority and compare myself with those who have more money and thus see myself inferior and that I can’t speak because I do not have money in comparison with those who have more, not seeing and realizing that within this I always compared myself with myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be as my father as he was making money by trading the stuff and thus want to also trade and prove to others that I can earn money by trading.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to want to be good as my father in relation of getting the money, and better to provide money to my family that my family will never be short of money and have to not experience that what I did because our family was poor and thus see myself as poor and thus desire to have and get money for myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that starting point as desire for wanting to have money is my self deception, as by this I am saying that I live separated from money and that I judge them.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to became the slave of money because I separated myself from money and thus see them as more than me, not seeing and realizing that money are just physical as me, and that I am equal and one with money as physical.

. Thanks, Juraj