The thirteenth doors

I walk slowly, my steps are small, silent, as I am looking on my right side and then left, along many huge pillars. I can hardly see the top of them, it seems they stretch and rise almost to infinity.

Ground has metallic surface, it feels like walking on a steel, so firm. I expect to be attacked, because I came here for a reason. I entered this domain with one intention only, and I must complete what needs to be done, as only I was able to come this far alive, all my predecessors are dead.

I saw many dead bodies, thrown on this metallic plane, which I passed already, some of them emitted this glow of light, some red, purple or yellow, looked like something killed them form inside, as I was not able to see any visible wounds, and why they glow I simply have no idea.

As I expect to be attacked by this force or beings or creatures or whatever this can be, I am so alerted within me, I hear my breath and that is the only sound I can hear, silence of this place feels almost like a mist in the air.

I have this armor around my chest, on my shoulders, thighs, arms and the helmet covering my head from bottom of my neck through head, ears and my forehead. But this armor is so unique, because it is not created from any physical element, but tailored as vibration and resonance as extension of me as a being as who I am. To create this armor took almost millennia’s, as I had to master the rituals of purity and creation of unshakable trust of myself, where from this trust I could expand myself beyond physical body and create these armored protective layers of me.

I have only one weapon, which is made from three parts, one part is attached in the middle of my chest, and two others to my palms. To activate this weapon, I have to put my hands together in front of my body and say the forbidden word from the begging of the creation. I was the only one who was able to get this from a masters of damned realm, for a promise to take on this task and finish what no one was able to complete before.

So, I walk here, it feels like a year’s as I have no possibility to recognize time and flow of it, and I do not feel tired, hungry, or thirsty, as this plane is above physical world I came from.

Suddenly, the pillars start to move and inject itself into the ground, and instead of them, massive doors appear around me, this looks like I am standing in the circle and 12 doors are around me.

 As I stand here, I wonder why I was not attacked, I guess it is because of my armor, but still prepared for anything possible, and I look on those doors and each has a different symbol in the middle. This seems that I have to choose one, or maybe all of them, or maybe neither. I have no idea how I should proceed further, nor even how I should open these doors, so I stand in the middle of this circle and the door starts to rotate around me, faster and faster and I can’t recognize them anymore as within this speed this looks like one single glowing metallic frame by all colors around me.

I look up and I see, these rotations are creating a tunnel and it is like me standing in the base of a huge chimney and on very top this seems to be like open, that is the 13^th door. But how to get there? I can’t jump to such heights, and I do not have any equipment to get there.

Maybe without my armor I could somehow fly here or walk through this mist of silence and use it as a step’s, but I can’t. This armor is possibly only thing I’ve got so far, and I can’t risk that one single moment would make me vulnerable for the forces to attack me, and let all be in vain.

So, I decided to stretch myself through the armor of me and create the thread of myself and try to reach the top of this vertical tunnel. As I feel I reached the open space on top, something grabbed me by thread of me and starts to pull me up.

This is it; I am sure that whatever is pulling me up will try to destroy me, but not. Because as I reach the top, I see top of the chimney became the ground and I realize that I am standing right in the middle of giant sphere, as in the distance I see glass like reflections and these reflections are continuous in all directions.

In distance, I see massive being, standing on two circular disks, and staring on me with this radiant eye, maybe hundred times bigger than me.

As I stand on this pillar, I see no option as how could I possibly move towards this being, and this being is showing no intentions to move towards me.

I experience the question of a being: “Who are you? “, and I realized that because of my armor, this being can not see into me nor recognize my intention, or who I am.

I do not reply, as I stand and see this being, in glamorous full body armor, shining by all colors and consisting of all possible elements, but the eyes are the most radiant.

As I didn’t reply, being continues: “I am the God and you came here to die. “, and within and as moment of me standing on this pillar, colorful light bursts from the eyes of this being and hits me with the attempt to kill me, but thanks to my armor nothing happened.

From the distance I can see the being is moved within and can’t comprehend why I am still here.

Unexpectedly, another being pops up next to the first one, looked like uncloaked itself, standing also on two circular disks, and the very same question is placed: “Who are you?”, and the second being can’t see into me the very same way as first one and the very same statement is spoken: “I am the God and you came here to die. “, and from the eyes of both beings bursts this colorful light and hits me, and again nothing happened and I stand firm on this pillar.

Both beings seem to be a little bit baffled, and I see the third one appears.

Unexpectedly, fourth, fifths, sixth and going on I see uncountable amount of beings appearing one by one next to each other, each being in this glorious armor covering whole body, shining and looking on me with these radiant eyes.

Sphere like structure starts to expand into enormous size, where I can not see the borders of it anymore, and I am still in the center of it.

And here I see infinite amount of beings around me, filling the entire vastness of space, looking on me and I experience from each being the very same statement.

Within the moment I realized that all of them will try to kill me and that they will all bursts their colorful light onto me.

 I rise my hands and I place them together in front of my chest, and from my chest the forbidden word from begging of creation flows and unite with my hands.

As the forbidden word reaches my hands the weapon united in my hands activates, I see all beings bursts their colorful light towards me.

I am hit with all possible light of all possible beings within all possible variations and intensities.

My armor breaks and forbidden word connects with all the light from all the beings and carry itself as an echo right into the center of all beings.

All light disappears, I experience this word to penetrate all of the existence.

I am in this darkness, I hear no one and nothing, and within and as this silence, the single word I hear from all of the existence as all the beings, and I realize, that this word, will never again be forbidden.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 169: I will all-ways Love you

                I spoke many times the words of love or likeness towards the girls, I dared to, I wished and I wanted those words to be spoken back. I wanted.

                I speak those words and I tremble, I speak and I shake as I am insecure about reply and I wish to hear the words of likeness of me but I fear I am mistaken, I fear things are not the way I perceive and think, I hold the hand and I kiss and I am pleased, I am satisfied, I am experiencing the feeling, the feeling I like, I like this girl, I love her, I know it because I experience this feeling, but, something, something I do not considered, I do not considered, that this, what I experience – is Lie.

                The moments I dared to express and spoke those words towards girls are gone and seem to me like never happened, like just the frame of the past of my actions and my words, my words, as love towards anyone, I was fake. I was fake within such words, I was not aware.

                And this experience and this feeling, is lovely, it is energy moving within me and fulfilling me, this energy I think is love, it must be, this lovely love feeling, must be love because it is directed toward a girl, and I am male thus this is love, yes it is, but, I see – it is fear. Not love not likeness just fear. The fear of me, fear of who I am, why I am the way I am, fear of future and present, as I do not know, I do not see, I am not aware thus I fear and this fear is fulfilling me and I think it is love and I am mistaken and I lie to me and I lie to girl because I fear.

                Within the words I spoke the likeness and love of someone, in fact there was my desires, my intentions, my needs and wants, my projections, how it would be, how things can be, how future can be, my energy and my experiences, within such words I manipulated because of wanting to simply experience what I feel within me, in the state of mind I am experiencing love, which was just – Fear.

                Fear in many ways, fear in me, and I think I will always love you but in fact I will all ways fear you, is true meaning of such words, always to fear, me.

                How strange it is, to say, to someone, and to promise and to project, that I will be all ways in fear towards this being, how insane this is, and more insane, the marriage of two based on the fear as projection to end of the life.

                Blindness within such fear allow the being to commit themselves into a doom of them in lies and dishonor of love, they accept to abuse such word each way possible to maintain their energy, and it is just fear, and they will fight and protect their fear, and they will dare to kill for their love – for the fear.

                The beings, here, as me, blinded within such love, not seeing and realizing what in fact is going on within them and around them, and the moments pass and things are happening and day after day, year after year, decade after decade, life is passing and the life in fear and projection of love and what love is, and within the last moment of the” life”, being realize the most shocking truth about themselves, the truth about their love, and what they lived, but it is to late. To late and all is gone – just this seeing and realization remain – You was fake all life, each way possible, because you feared you.

                I breathe, slowly, I am the breath of the body and I am in and as all parts equally and everything of me is equally considered, shared, touched, fulfilled with me as breath as I am here and I am love, I am expression of love as innocence of me, I love me and I love you as me and this is me as who I am within such moment as I see, realize and understand, for eternity as the truth of love – is Equality and oneness of me.

Thanks, Juraj

               

Day 161 : Revenge – You will see

                I was quite shocked when I realized how much revenge became part of my life, how much I took on way of revenge. I became living revenge even not noticing I am doing so, but I was.

                The revenge, by itself, I was always in that position, that this is not me, this is not part of me, and finally revenge has nothing to do with me. I even never looked on this point, I never investigated, as I was completely convinced that revenge, really is not the point I should look on. Actually, things have been other way round.

                I was living my revenge, my life became revenge, in silence and patient. This revenge is linked to several thoughts, to projections within me to the future and finally as revenge to those or that I experienced myself being treated not the way I would like.

                The moments father took hand on me, the mother or brothers or sister, secret revenge ignited within me, as the point, as projection – just wait, you will see.

                The revenge was not plan or something I would like to harm someone, no, just this point, projected to the future, that one day the moment will come and you will see. But as this point or this revenge has not been specified, how I would like to revenge to someone or something, thus it was like open for many scenarios when, where and how I could eventually accomplish my revenge, yes my purpose of my life.

                Revenge became the very part and very reason why I am here, I created many situations where this revenge has been accomplished, yet not noticing that I was the point who did so. This is quite disturbing, that I was not aware what I am living and what I am busy accomplishing, but on the road of self-destruction because where revenge can one lead? It is simple.

                I asked myself many times, what is the driving force which makes me to do some specific things, and yes ego but ego is created by huge amount of multiple energies based on fears, the question relevant for me was, the very reason, the very purpose, the core point.

                Revenge, I was many times desperate to find out what it is, what and why, but with no success as how I could see this if this point was complete denial within me, but actually busy planning and scheming my revenge.

                When I started to see, that I am able to plot against other within me, I was surprised how much shit I am able to produce, many forms, many scenarios, possibilities how my revenge can be fulfilled, accomplished. In several points I really took on this road, and completed my revenge, but how tricky. It would not look that way, but I see it was my revenge, why I have done several things.

                Revenge towards my father, in fact I saw him as oppressor and I just liked him when he was in fine mood, but nothing could wipe out the revenge I desired for him. The same towards my mother, to show her that her god, will never come and never help. My revenge, is specific towards her. The things I was aware she pray for me and go to church day by day to pray for me I was doing the opposite just for the reason, to show her how useless her praying’s  are and that those will never come true, but in this revenge destroying my life. My revenge towards oldest brother, is specific in fear I ignited within him and let him in his fear for decades and he never recovered and that fear became his torture I was satisfied with.

                I was able to wait for my moment, patiently, secretly, without awareness of this, yet living life one could perceive as ordinary, it was not so. My life, was not ordinary as experiences I came through convinced me, that revenge, is what I need and have to accomplish, and always it was just like silent thought, just one as the saying within me – You will see, just wait. And everything elated to this I let open. Not specified when, what or how, but when the moment come, I took on my revenge. I became satisfied from certain perspective, but yet noticing I am ruining my life.

                Obviously, I wanted to live the way how others do, but the driving force within me, was the revenge and so strong, yet so suppressed I was blind that me as ego is following the road of revenge.

                Why and how revenge has been ignited, was specific and various form situations or personas, but always after someone threated me the way I do not liked, when I experienced myself as sadness, or when I perceived myself being hurt, do not matter which way, that was my excuse and validation why my revenge is valid, why those persona deserve that revenge, and simply is amazing how fast this could be schemed and plotted within the mind, just one moment and it is done.

                When I saw my father dying, I cried as I liked him, but in the same time I saw the oppressor in agony of pain and I became satisfied. This satisfaction of my revenge, always came after time, when I saw how life of those I plotted against go, and many times my actions and words changed directions of the lives of that people, mostly the words.

                The words many times I used as a gun, the revenge as trigger and the bullets my very words and then actions. Relationship within me, towards me, as me, was based on revenge and yes, I did.

                I show to many, who they are yet who is me was never revealed, as why I should as therefore my revenge would not be able to come true.

                By this, I almost destroyed my life, and my revenge led me through though situations, anyway it is done. My life and the future of my life is very uncertain, and simply each day for me is uncertain, after everything, despite the fact what I created, I am ok with that.

                I helped to many and I hurt many, the ratio between this is for me, here completely irrelevant, as the past is what past is. Yet just few will be able to see through my words.

                This realization is for me, very liberating act, despite the fact, how long way is in front of me.

Thanks, Juraj

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that revenge towards those which hurt me is valid and they deserve my revenge.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to base my life, relationship towards myself on revenge.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to seek the fulfillment of my life in revenge towards those which hurt me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to based my life and the purpose of my life on revenge.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to live just for sake of revenge.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to seek satisfaction in revenge.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to became living revenge, not seeing and realizing that by this I am taking on road of revenge towards myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate from myself by energetic experiences of sadness, feeling myself being hurt, lied, deceived and by this validate revenge I decided to accomplish and by this wanting to punish those which treated me those way, and thus live the punishment & revenge.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to became living punishment and revenge as the satisfaction of my life, as my very purpose of my life, hidden within my secret mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to believe that revenge is valid because I was lied, deceived, hurt and thus I have to punish those which did so, to show them that I can hurt them also, but different way, by different means, in future when my moment come, for them to experience also the same I experienced within me when they lied me, deceived me, and hurt me and thus blame them for my experiences and want and desire to give this back to them.

                 I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not want to give up my revenge, because my revenge became me, me became the revenge and purpose of my life, and thus I cannot give up my life, because my life became revenge by itself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to hold onto the memories of being hurt, deceived and lied and thus live in the past of this memories as wanting to punish and revenge to those which was responsible for such moments because I blamed them for my experiences.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to desire to revenge to everybody who I believed my revenge should be directed to.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see revenge and punishment as valid point how to show others what they have done and that punishment will come and that they will not be aware why and how that happened, because they will not remember the moment when and how they lied, deceived or hurt me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to desire to revenge so much, that I ignored consequences which this will bring to my life and for myself, because me as the revenge was my very purpose why I am here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be satisfied when I saw the misery and trauma of those which deceived me, lied to me or hurt me, because this was the point of fulfilling and accomplishing my revenge because of my believe they deserve that.

Day 155 : Fear of future – Anxiety terror

                Many years ago, I placed myself into a situation where fear of future, as a projection of no ability to pay for stuff I had to pay took place, and I experienced anxiety within me, terrorizing myself with this experience and over some period of time, this anxiety has been suppressed within me as I had no idea how to resolve that, how come I experienced such negative emotion, how I created it, what was the cause, what directed me, why and who I was within such situation.

                After such experience, this fear of future, as anxiety as projection remained ingrained within me, and therefore part of me, me living with this anxiety even not noticing this, as I suppressed this. This was maybe 15 years ago. I blamed myself, I judged myself.

                As years start to passing, I was living the “ordinary life” from certain perspective, in meaning, living as energetic robot exactly the same way as all do, as I thought this is the way life should be.

But this projection, this fear of future, this experience of anxiety, and my self definition to this anxiety  as energetic experience I lived and this hunted me, I hunted the anxiety, I hunted myself to experience anxiety, as possibly this was the strongest energetic experience within me connected to money and my self responsibility, where I throw away responsibility for myself in this point because of hope for the best, as I even was still aware where this lack of responsibility could lead me. I do not wanted to confront myself with this point, I do not wanted to see this point, and this point was crucial for me to solve, but I didn’t, as the anxiety as fear of future I lived and became it.

As years passed, this experience of anxiety, very specific as a point of projection to the future as a fear and worry that I will have no money to pay for that what I have to, took place many times, as my lack of handling money because of vast amount of points within me connected to this experience of anxiety, I was not able to see what and why I am doing by any means, because the amount of layers, connections and points related to this was really massive.

After certain period, I started to realize, that I have a big problem with this, that this controls me extensively, but the real question why, was many years not understood and seen. As I started to solve this point, and wanted to solve this, I fall to stood it so many times, that I started to think and believe that I am not possibly able to stand this point, and thus I have to remain fallen forever. But this is not so.

After accumulated anxiety, stress and nervousness I created within me, became by paradox the terror of me by me, because I became addicted to this energy experience, I became thirsty for this energy, even I saw what I do, how and where this can lead me, but I was no able to hear any advices, any suggestions, and I almost always did the opposite of the suggestions I got for this point, because the energy as anxiety created by me, me defined to this energy became my living, my precious energy, my precious fear of the future, my loving one I became, my love of this energy.

Yes, I loved my fear, I loved my anxiety, I loved this energy as I created positive perception, positive seeing of this energy, because of sense of experiencing something, thus in believe I live, even this experience was negative, lead me almost to self destruction, almost because I am still here.

Why I had such struggle to walk this point, is because I never wanted to give up the energy experience I got from this, despite the fact how much bullshits I created because of this, despite the fact and seeing how useless my actions are, despite the fact I saw the destruction of me I am creating, the energy I got was my loving one. To love own fear, even love and fear are illusions is extensive fuck up one can accept and allow within self, and to get out of this, is the same way terrific experience, because it is me who have to simply give up living this energy, it is me who have to give up this self definition towards this specific fear as anxiety I became living and accepting as me.

To complete the understating of fuck up I created within me, as point of anxiety and why that is, is that I became to fear to give up my own fear, because I became living and loving this.

It would take me many days to explain how much bullshits I created because of this fear, but this is done. I do not judge myself anymore for this, and I do not see the past of me as my fall, even in some periods I lived in constant fall.

After years of accepting and accumulating this specific anxiety, specific fear as energy experience, I manipulated myself to such extreme situation, where my mind almost took over me completely when I realized, where I really lead myself, and one moment in the mind was the most terrific experience I ever experienced, from perspective of massive amount of this anxiety.

And thus I breathe, and as I jump into a mind, even projection, even thought, even everything is anxiety, the fear and this experience is so overwhelming, that I am not able to move myself, I am paralyzed and I am glad I am able to breathe.

I am looking for savior for myself to get out of this anxiety, I am looking for someone to help me out of this, but this is no possible, as I created this, only I can stop this and release myself from such bullshit.

This experience, few weeks ago, is so extensive, so massive, I can’t explain this by words as this was beyond and words, and I would suggest anyone to do not lead oneself to such extreme as I did, as it is really not worthy.

The point is, that is much more cool to release self from such deception mind is, than do the opposite and accumulate the energy within self, as the experience one will lead oneself to is really not worth it, and can possibly be destructive.

As I was walking many points, many self definitions and many fears, by paradox, this specific anxiety and fear of future I was accumulating within me, this one, this most precious one I really never wanted to give up and stand up.

Another point is, that simply I have to, I have to give up all fears as if I would not, I will never free myself and I will never be able living example of trustworthy being if I will not give up all fears of me I became living, addicted to and loving.

It is paradox that I loved my fears, and I wanted to give up all, except this one, as this one, was the most impressive, most strong, and most powerful fear I experienced ever, thus everything else was like nothing in comparison of this fear.

We, humans, live in fear, and we love our fears, because we have no “ idea” what it could be, how amazing life really is, if we gave up all our fears and start to live for real.

Fear, by any means, is not real, it is not real experience, and it is not worthy to follow this, because each fear, is a fall of self, where self accept separation and submission towards the mind.

Thanks, Juraj