Friday, January 25, 2013

Day 155 : Fear of future – Anxiety terror

                Many years ago, I placed myself into a situation where fear of future, as a projection of no ability to pay for stuff I had to pay took place, and I experienced anxiety within me, terrorizing myself with this experience and over some period of time, this anxiety has been suppressed within me as I had no idea how to resolve that, how come I experienced such negative emotion, how I created it, what was the cause, what directed me, why and who I was within such situation.

                After such experience, this fear of future, as anxiety as projection remained ingrained within me, and therefore part of me, me living with this anxiety even not noticing this, as I suppressed this. This was maybe 15 years ago. I blamed myself, I judged myself.

                As years start to passing, I was living the “ordinary life” from certain perspective, in meaning, living as energetic robot exactly the same way as all do, as I thought this is the way life should be.

But this projection, this fear of future, this experience of anxiety, and my self definition to this anxiety  as energetic experience I lived and this hunted me, I hunted the anxiety, I hunted myself to experience anxiety, as possibly this was the strongest energetic experience within me connected to money and my self responsibility, where I throw away responsibility for myself in this point because of hope for the best, as I even was still aware where this lack of responsibility could lead me. I do not wanted to confront myself with this point, I do not wanted to see this point, and this point was crucial for me to solve, but I didn’t, as the anxiety as fear of future I lived and became it.

As years passed, this experience of anxiety, very specific as a point of projection to the future as a fear and worry that I will have no money to pay for that what I have to, took place many times, as my lack of handling money because of vast amount of points within me connected to this experience of anxiety, I was not able to see what and why I am doing by any means, because the amount of layers, connections and points related to this was really massive.

After certain period, I started to realize, that I have a big problem with this, that this controls me extensively, but the real question why, was many years not understood and seen. As I started to solve this point, and wanted to solve this, I fall to stood it so many times, that I started to think and believe that I am not possibly able to stand this point, and thus I have to remain fallen forever. But this is not so.

After accumulated anxiety, stress and nervousness I created within me, became by paradox the terror of me by me, because I became addicted to this energy experience, I became thirsty for this energy, even I saw what I do, how and where this can lead me, but I was no able to hear any advices, any suggestions, and I almost always did the opposite of the suggestions I got for this point, because the energy as anxiety created by me, me defined to this energy became my living, my precious energy, my precious fear of the future, my loving one I became, my love of this energy.

Yes, I loved my fear, I loved my anxiety, I loved this energy as I created positive perception, positive seeing of this energy, because of sense of experiencing something, thus in believe I live, even this experience was negative, lead me almost to self destruction, almost because I am still here.

Why I had such struggle to walk this point, is because I never wanted to give up the energy experience I got from this, despite the fact how much bullshits I created because of this, despite the fact and seeing how useless my actions are, despite the fact I saw the destruction of me I am creating, the energy I got was my loving one. To love own fear, even love and fear are illusions is extensive fuck up one can accept and allow within self, and to get out of this, is the same way terrific experience, because it is me who have to simply give up living this energy, it is me who have to give up this self definition towards this specific fear as anxiety I became living and accepting as me.

To complete the understating of fuck up I created within me, as point of anxiety and why that is, is that I became to fear to give up my own fear, because I became living and loving this.

It would take me many days to explain how much bullshits I created because of this fear, but this is done. I do not judge myself anymore for this, and I do not see the past of me as my fall, even in some periods I lived in constant fall.

After years of accepting and accumulating this specific anxiety, specific fear as energy experience, I manipulated myself to such extreme situation, where my mind almost took over me completely when I realized, where I really lead myself, and one moment in the mind was the most terrific experience I ever experienced, from perspective of massive amount of this anxiety.

And thus I breathe, and as I jump into a mind, even projection, even thought, even everything is anxiety, the fear and this experience is so overwhelming, that I am not able to move myself, I am paralyzed and I am glad I am able to breathe.

I am looking for savior for myself to get out of this anxiety, I am looking for someone to help me out of this, but this is no possible, as I created this, only I can stop this and release myself from such bullshit.

This experience, few weeks ago, is so extensive, so massive, I can’t explain this by words as this was beyond and words, and I would suggest anyone to do not lead oneself to such extreme as I did, as it is really not worthy.

The point is, that is much more cool to release self from such deception mind is, than do the opposite and accumulate the energy within self, as the experience one will lead oneself to is really not worth it, and can possibly be destructive.

As I was walking many points, many self definitions and many fears, by paradox, this specific anxiety and fear of future I was accumulating within me, this one, this most precious one I really never wanted to give up and stand up.

Another point is, that simply I have to, I have to give up all fears as if I would not, I will never free myself and I will never be able living example of trustworthy being if I will not give up all fears of me I became living, addicted to and loving.

It is paradox that I loved my fears, and I wanted to give up all, except this one, as this one, was the most impressive, most strong, and most powerful fear I experienced ever, thus everything else was like nothing in comparison of this fear.

We, humans, live in fear, and we love our fears, because we have no “ idea” what it could be, how amazing life really is, if we gave up all our fears and start to live for real.

Fear, by any means, is not real, it is not real experience, and it is not worthy to follow this, because each fear, is a fall of self, where self accept separation and submission towards the mind.

Thanks, Juraj

1 comment:

  1. Awesome blog post. Thanks for sharing this details.