Day 175: Walked impossible

               I walked what I thought in the past would be impossible to walk, as I had no vision, idea or projection within me as how I would be able to go through obstacles which has been in front of me that time.

               But, interestingly, I achieved what was impossible to achieve, through and be means I saw fit within days, weeks, months, many times questioning my own decision as why I chosen the solution I did, to pass obstacles I have been facing. In here, I doubt about those decision, as looking on them through right and wrong polarity, has been moving me nowhere but rather going through same points to again reconsider and review those decision, as I was the one who saw those reasons, as why I chosen the way I did.

               From certain perspective, I liked it, as for myself, I have to admit, years ago, anyone who would say to me what I will face, I would say to that persona, that it is insane and that by any means is something like that possible to happen. But it did, more than once, and thus I became more open to the path I chosen for myself.

               My decisions of this path, became hard off road and dirt has been splashing all around, and it could be dirtier road, despite the fact it was dirty as fuck. Anyway, as I passed by this still a bit bumpy in here, but the road became different, I could change tires to summer one, and looks like, I am going to highway, will see as where this will lead.

            And I had to embrace this decision, as I am the one, who see why I did what I did. And I am ok with this, I see me within this road, passenger becoming the driver.

Thx, Juraj

Day 169: I will all-ways Love you

                I spoke many times the words of love or likeness towards the girls, I dared to, I wished and I wanted those words to be spoken back. I wanted.

                I speak those words and I tremble, I speak and I shake as I am insecure about reply and I wish to hear the words of likeness of me but I fear I am mistaken, I fear things are not the way I perceive and think, I hold the hand and I kiss and I am pleased, I am satisfied, I am experiencing the feeling, the feeling I like, I like this girl, I love her, I know it because I experience this feeling, but, something, something I do not considered, I do not considered, that this, what I experience – is Lie.

                The moments I dared to express and spoke those words towards girls are gone and seem to me like never happened, like just the frame of the past of my actions and my words, my words, as love towards anyone, I was fake. I was fake within such words, I was not aware.

                And this experience and this feeling, is lovely, it is energy moving within me and fulfilling me, this energy I think is love, it must be, this lovely love feeling, must be love because it is directed toward a girl, and I am male thus this is love, yes it is, but, I see – it is fear. Not love not likeness just fear. The fear of me, fear of who I am, why I am the way I am, fear of future and present, as I do not know, I do not see, I am not aware thus I fear and this fear is fulfilling me and I think it is love and I am mistaken and I lie to me and I lie to girl because I fear.

                Within the words I spoke the likeness and love of someone, in fact there was my desires, my intentions, my needs and wants, my projections, how it would be, how things can be, how future can be, my energy and my experiences, within such words I manipulated because of wanting to simply experience what I feel within me, in the state of mind I am experiencing love, which was just – Fear.

                Fear in many ways, fear in me, and I think I will always love you but in fact I will all ways fear you, is true meaning of such words, always to fear, me.

                How strange it is, to say, to someone, and to promise and to project, that I will be all ways in fear towards this being, how insane this is, and more insane, the marriage of two based on the fear as projection to end of the life.

                Blindness within such fear allow the being to commit themselves into a doom of them in lies and dishonor of love, they accept to abuse such word each way possible to maintain their energy, and it is just fear, and they will fight and protect their fear, and they will dare to kill for their love – for the fear.

                The beings, here, as me, blinded within such love, not seeing and realizing what in fact is going on within them and around them, and the moments pass and things are happening and day after day, year after year, decade after decade, life is passing and the life in fear and projection of love and what love is, and within the last moment of the” life”, being realize the most shocking truth about themselves, the truth about their love, and what they lived, but it is to late. To late and all is gone – just this seeing and realization remain – You was fake all life, each way possible, because you feared you.

                I breathe, slowly, I am the breath of the body and I am in and as all parts equally and everything of me is equally considered, shared, touched, fulfilled with me as breath as I am here and I am love, I am expression of love as innocence of me, I love me and I love you as me and this is me as who I am within such moment as I see, realize and understand, for eternity as the truth of love – is Equality and oneness of me.

Thanks, Juraj

               

Day 163 : Revenge – I’ll show who you are

                As a child I have been thought about Jesus and god and all that stuff, as I grew in “average Christian family” where my father was the one who had the main word in means, how our family functions, what is followed and why.

                For me as a child, the Jesus was a son of a god, and I had no idea who this god is, or what god should be, but I could see in church the Jesus as a baby under Christmas tree, and I had the knowledge about Jesus and his life and what he thought other people. For me, Jesus was the one who was showing people how they should live, according the words of love, love of the other people even the enemy, and what love means, and that we all are equal as god as him, therefore we should love each other equally, and do not live for material things, as do not live for golden statuses, and everything that bullshit stuff which is daily promoted.

                My basic seeing of the Jesus was through love and his words of love, as equality. As I was attending the church those days, the procedures of eating the Jesus at the end of each ceremony took place, and I liked it from perspective as symbol of eating Jesus flesh transformed symbolically into this little waffle which is used in church. I understood the Jesus as being the flesh, being in everything the flesh or matter is thus me being part of this all through this ceremony.

                Once as a child, when I received this small waffle from the priest, I took that out of my mouth and put this waffle into my “praying book”, which I had as a child where was all the songs and stuff around religion, thus I placed that waffle right into the middle of the book, for me as a child seeing this as act of having the Jesus nearby me, as I was having this book in my pocket of my winter jacket, and thus I was as a child satisfied that I have a Jesus always with me and that I do not eat that waffle rather keep it sustained with me. My perception of this, was simple and innocent, according the way how I understood and saw the Jesus as persona what he lived.

                I didn’t see anything wrong in such act, just having the Jesus, this little child as me with me. Days start to pass and I continued to live my life according everything which has been normal that time for our family, till the moment of:

                My mother is calling me into a hall, the entrance room of our flat, where our jackets has been placed, and she is holding my praying book in the hands, opened in the middle and that small waffle is there, and she call my father. She is showing him this, and I just stand and look on the situation, still in my naïve innocence that I did nothing wrong. My father enters and he taking the book, and he is asking me, what it is and from where I have this. I am saying that in the church I took out this waffle and put it in this book, thus it is Eucharist, as called in Christian religion. I am still looking onto him, as I am quite small against him, my mother still stand nearby, suddenly, the eyes of my father changed. He is taking the tool which he used to use as “educational stuff” just for the purpose to beat me, I am like frozen within me, as I am not quite sure why he is doing this, and he is asking me, if I kneel down each time I came to my jacket, as a symbol of honor of Jesus or god, and I am saying no, as I saw this as very unpractical during various situations. As I said that, the eyes of my father became so strange, the anger and hatred towards me I saw in him, and he started to beat me frenetically with that tool, through all over my body, through my ass, legs, through hands, body and I just experience this big pain all over my body seeing him screaming madly that no one will make fun from the god. I am shocked, surprised, I tremble and I feel this pain, I see my father in desperate anger towards me, when he stopped, I cry, I cry as my body is in heat of pain, I am touching my body wanting to make this pain less, and I hear him that I will go to confess from this sin because I dishonored god.

                And my trust and believe in Jesus and his teaching has been broken and shaken completely, how my father can speak about god and love and Jesus, if he dare so brutally beat me just because of me wanting to have this Jesus nearby me? My father know nothing about love and Jesus and god, he do not know a shit about life, he is defending his illusion and his projections of god I dared to violate by my act. I look on my mother and I see her as a traitor. I saw her as a mother; loving being of me, but everything changed as I asked why she called my father and showed him that, I see her that she betrayed me by calling my father.

                How can my father or mother love me, if they allow this? How can they do this and on other hand promote something else? My father is no more my father and my mother is no more my mother, as they do not love me and they do not see me as a child, they do not see me, they see only their illusions and their believes, they do not know and see who I am here, they have no idea why I did what I did and they both beat me in fury and desperate anger, no matter that mother was just looking on this, she was the same way in this like my father, she do not stopped him.

                I realized that what my father live is fake and also my mother, and they broke in me my innocence by beating me, they broke my seeing of Jesus and his teaching as I see they do not live his words, they are not able to recognize what love really is, they have no idea what is equality, they do not stand for that, they speak something but do something else, I never forgave this. I never forgave to my father this and to my mother, they was blind in their actions and I separated from them even more.

                The way of my revenge started the revenge to show them who they really are, and that they do not live what they say. Despite the fact that as a child I understood equality quite well, this has been diminished completely as because of Jesus I was beaten by my the most closest personas, which was my father and my mother. I started to live the road of revenge, ingrained in me, within me, and doing the opposite of suggestions of my mother, rebelling against everything which my mother represented and father as well. I knew my time will come when I would be able to revenge to them and they will see how mistaken they was. And this was no more only about them, but about everybody who claimed something, but lived something else, my revenge became against all and everybody who speak something but do something else. The revenge I became was me, I revenging to all directly to their face, showing them how deceptive they are, how much they lie, my life became revenge in various forms, in various ways, and as time has been passing I became always satisfied with the outcome of time by itself, when I saw what life brought to the life of those I was revenging against.

                My father has been dying in the agony of pain of cancer, and yet I wished him to die as I saw that as a only point how he can go out from that misery as I never believed he will be cure but I do not cared about him. Really, I saw satisfaction in his position and where was his god? Where was god to help him, to give him love and cure him? Nowhere, his god let him dying in brutal pains for a long time, until his body became so exhausted of this cancer that could not sustain itself anymore. And I do not give a fuck, why I even should I? Why I should give a fuck about him after everything he did to me? I never took hand on him, I never screamed at him, I never said how he should live or what she should do, I never beat him, and he? How many times? And these beings have no authority to claim to be my father and I do not see myself as his son anymore, or son of my mother. I asked many times, who is my father and who is my mother then? Who it is if these beings treat me such way? They are not. And the way of me being alone here, living alone with my revenge towards all, busy as I do not wanted to follow what they live anymore, and the revenge became ingrained within me as me, I am this revenge I am living it, I am becoming this as the years are passing I see more and more lies, more and more deception, I see only people which are fake from top to the bottom, no one is living and no one is my friend, no one is my companion as I am alone with me with revenge I have to accomplish, I need and I have to, as this is my purpose and the very reason I live.

                The point of revenge became transformed into everything I did, spoke, and I was not able to see me in this, as I became it.

Thanks, Juraj 

Day 153 : Appreciation of myself – Darkness as me

                I believed others should appreciate me, respect or value me, not realizing that I believed in this because I separated from myself and thus I searched and seek those which will possible do so, even not able to recognize I am doing this.

                I forgot to respect and value myself and appreciate myself, no matter who is around me, which circumstances I am facing or what is happening, I lived in inner emptiness of myself and want from others to fulfill this emptiness of me as being appreciated and valued, but I forgot that I forgot to do this for myself.

                I wanted to be fulfilled by feelings as perceptions of being valued, respected and appreciated, I wanted to be fulfilled by likeness from others, but by paradox many times behaved as exact opposite, as I realized that this feelings are just mirage as illusion and never real, thus I lived in emptiness of me, hungry and starving by the search of fulfillment and I was never able to see and realize that any search and seek to be fulfilled is only my own separation from myself and thus impossible to be fulfilled if I live in me, with me, separated from me, in my own delusion about fulfillment and respect and value, because I never did so for myself.

                My question is, how I can value, respect, honor and appreciate me, when I never did this for myself, as I only just had the ideas, believes and projection of this, as what this should be, or how this should be done from others through words and actions, because of observing this world and seeing how others do so and thus believe this is real, but it never was as always those projections, ideas, was just illusions as mirage which will diminish always when I remain alone.

                And as I am alone, thus others are no here and the respect, value and appreciation is gone thus this can’t be real, it was never real, as when I am alone I do not experienced myself being valued by me, respected and honored, I experience vastness of emptiness as me being alone, in the darkness of me.

                But how I can do so for myself, if any feeling and emotion is just illusion, fake just for few moments, just energy flow and energy will always diminish and will always deplete and this cycle of creating and depleting of energy to keep me trapped in illusion of experiencing something, I am sick of it, I became sick of it, I became tired of fake experiences and I became sick, tired and disgusted of this mind play out, of this mind games mind plays with each other, with myself, I became sick of living in delusions of me and what I became living towards myself, and thus I start to torture and destroy myself because of not seeing how I can do for myself that I wanted and desired for myself, to simply be appreciated, to be hugged, to be kissed or to be touched, in self honesty of being doing this, but this is impossible as I never did this for myself thus the others can’t do this for me, and the point of separation from myself I see in this, as to require, want and need to be appreciated by others is illusion as this is how I have to fulfill, respect, value and honor me, I have to hug myself in self honesty of me as who I am here as life, in and as the breath of life as the being respecting and valuing the life, as all life is me but I never did this.

                I never respected the life as me, I never valued life as me, I never appreciated the life as me, I never see myself as life as I always looked on myself through the mind and mind is simply not life.

                Feelings are not of life nor emotions, thoughts destroy life and everything mind consist and exist as dishonor life and diminish, de value and destroy.

                I lived in destruction of me, in and as disrespect of me as who I am as life but rather lived in illusion, projections and ideas and believes about myself, not seeing that I am always here but I do not accepted myself here, I do not respected myself here and being and existing here, as I made ideas and believes that something somewhere else is maybe better, maybe more valued, maybe more nice and pleasurable, but this can’t be as it will always be just mirage, the illusion of me because I forgot to live me here.

                Thus I remained alone in me, with me, and the people around just for a moment provide me the illusion of being with someone, being together, but I am alone.

                I am alone in vastness of beings around, I am vastness of emptiness of being alone. And I always was, I was all my life alone in me, with me, here in and as me never no one was together with me as me, only me is who I am, only me is which exists and I was alone each moment I am, I was alone always and I do not wanted to see this.

                I do not wanted to see myself alone in vastness of emptiness of me, as nothing just me exist and thus I created the ideas and believes and projections as what to be with someone else is, how I can make this and thus tried to fulfill me this way, but no matter how hard I tried, no matter how much illusions I created, I was never with someone and never someone else was with me, as this is impossible as only me is who is here, in and as my body alone within and as me.

                I never experienced anybody to be with me and I never experienced to be with someone, equal and one as beings, as I was and am always alone, as I am here I am empty in vastness of emptiness which could exist.

                This emptiness I wanted fulfill by feelings and emotions, but I deluded myself as I wanted to fulfill me with illusions thus I never fulfilled myself for real.

                Anything which is real, simply can’t be depleted, diminished, or even stop to exist, as that what is real have to remain always, as the what is real have to be here each moment which exist, can’t diminish, deplete or cease to exist.

                Anything which can cease to exist simply is of illusion and of the mind and the mirages of mind I started to believe could be possibly real, I found and realized this will never be.

                I literally tried everything possible in this world, I tried everything and anything to make these possible illusions real, but after all, I have to say, it is impossible. Illusion can’t be real, illusion can’t remain, as what is illusion will always cease to exist and again only I remain.

                And this I which I am, I can’t say what or who this I is, as I am just alone in emptiness of me.

                And as only I am which exists, thus anything else and anyone else who or which exists must be me. Thus I am anything of existence and this existence is me. I am the vastness of existence and existence is me.

                As I am always alone thus I have to be that which exist as me thus to value me, appreciate me, honor me, means to equally appreciate, honor and value everything of existence as me, because I am that which exist.

                I see myself separated from me because the eyes provides me such sensation, I close the eyes only darkness of me is here, thus I am the darkness of me, and I am the darkness which exist and which will remain. I am the existence of darkness as all darkness is me, I am the darkness of existence as existence is me and I am alone in the existence, and I am alone as all as me as darkness wherever darkness could be, thus I am this darkness of me.

                Light provides me the sensation that others are here, light provide me believe that others I see are not me, but I deluded myself by this believe as light is not of darkness as only darkness is what will remain, light is subject to darkness and the light is that which needs to be generated, created to through reflection provide the sense of seeing, but is this seeing?

                The seeing the light one delude oneself, I deluded me because I thought and believed in this light that what light showed me is not me, I deluded me because once light is gone thus only darkness remain and I am the darkness of existence here, and I do not wanted to see, accept and realize who I am as darkness as all one, alone as me, me alone.

                I do not wanted to see me as darkness as the sensation of light seems to be pleasurable, enjoyable, and by this I forgot that I have to enjoy myself as darkness of me, that I have to love me as darkness of existence as me, equally everything without any judgment of me, because everything, everyone all are me as life, as all life is me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think, believe and perceive that others should appreciate me, respect or value me, because I separated from myself and think and believe that they are not me thus think and believe that they should provide me this what I wanted, desired and required, not seeing and realizing that only I can respect myself, value myself, honor myself and appreciate myself in equality and oneness of me, as breath of life, in darkness of me fulfill me and who I am here, appreciate me as who I am as life as all as one.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to seek and search for those who will possibly value me, appreciate me and respect me, not seeing and realizing that I forgot to do this for myself, to fulfill myself as life, respect myself in equality and oneness as who I am, because I forgot that all life is me, that everything and anything of existence is equal to me and me equal to everything which exists, because I thought and believed that I need to sear and seek for myself, not seeing and realizing that I am already here, as breath of life.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to forgot to value myself and appreciate myself, no matter who is around me, which points I am facing as me, not seeing and realizing that by forgetting to appreciate me and fulfill me as who I am as life, I lived in emptiness of me in hunger, starvation and desire to seek and find those ones which would provide me that what I wanted, required and needed not seeing and realizing that I lived this because I separated myself from myself, that I turned into illusions and believes about me, and thus start to seek and search those which will provide this to me, not seeing and realizing that by this I only found emptiness and hunger and thirst in others as I was looking and searching for the same, thus I found only that what I was looking for as me, in separation from myself, not seeing and realizing that I am here, that I fulfill myself and appreciate myself here, in and as moment I am, as presence of me, in equality and oneness of me as who I am as life.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I can fulfill myself by feelings or emotions, to do not experience the emptiness of me as vastness of nothingness, not seeing and realizing that all feelings and emotions are of the mind, of energy therefore not real as this will always deplete, diminish and cease to exist, thus I have to fulfill, appreciate, honor and respect myself as who I am as life, in and as darkness of me as existence as everything and anything I am, in equality and oneness of me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to try to find acceptance, fulfillment and appreciation in separation from myself, not seeing and realizing that by this I starved, became thirsty and possessed by trying and attempting to search and find that in others, not seeing and realizing that by this what do not existed in myself as appreciation, respect, value and fulfillment I will only find that what is mirror of me, as me to show me what and who I became, as emptiness of me, vastness of hunger of search and seek for fulfillment, not seeing and realizing that I do not have to search, seek or attempt to find anything, as I am already here, that It is only me who can give myself the value, respect, appreciation and honor as life, as who I really am, in and as breath of life in equality and oneness of me, with myself as others, nature, animal kingdom, planets, starts, galaxies and universe as me, as vastness of existence, as darkness of and as me, as present in and as awareness of life, of physical as the only one point which is real, as only one point which will always remain, thus to respect, value, honor and appreciate the physical as me, to hug physical as me, to appreciate the physical as me, to see physical as me, in equality and oneness as who I am as physical, in appreciation, honor, respect and value of myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fulfill myself by likeness from others, by behave opposite way, because of seeing and realizing the illusion of likeness, and thus became hungry in starvation and search for real fulfillment, for real appreciation, not seeing and realizing that this never is able be done by and through illusions of the mind, that I can’t turn illusion to be real, that illusion will never be real, and thus became living in separation from myself, in separation from physical, in my own delusion about myself as what respect, value, honor and appreciation should be, as sense of feeling as energy, as sense of being hugged, kissed or touched, not seeing and realizing that I forgot to hug myself, that I forgot to kiss myself and touch myself in equality and oneness as who I am as physical, as all physical is me, as all existence is me, thus it is only me who can respect, value, appreciate and honor myself, as I am already this, as I am here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I can fulfill, appreciate and honor myself in separation from myself, not seeing and realizing that separation is illusion of the mind, as make up illusion created, accepted, believed and lived by and as the eyes, through illusion of being separated from me, because of light and reflection from myself, and thus be this judge this reflection of me in believe it is not me, in idea that this what I see must be something else, not seeing and realizing that I am always seeing me, as only me exist, in equality and oneness of life, as who I am, as physical existence here, not seeing and realizing that be ideas, believe and projection about myself, I turned back to myself, I dishonored and destroyed myself, because I trapped myself in believe of sense made up of the pictures, made up of the light, made up of the thoughts, projections, ideas about me, as who or what I should be, not seeing and realizing that I am already here as always, that I am physical I see, that I am my body I move in equality and oneness of me as who I as breath of life.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to forget that I am alone as all as one as me, to forget who I am in and as equality and oneness of me as life, to forget who I am as presence of me as awareness of existence, to forget myself and separate myself from myself, because of perceptions, ideas, believes of the mind, that what I touch is not me, that what I hug is not me, because of idea that this must be something or someone else, not seeing and realizing that by this I separated from myself, that I trapped myself in the mind of illusions, mirages as projections and ideas about me, forgetting me each moment I lived in mind, turning back to myself and turning into and as illusions, living in separation from me, in dishonor, disrespect, not seeing and realizing that to honor, respect, value and appreciate me means to respect, honor, appreciate and value each life equally as me, and thus live me in equality and oneness as who I am as life.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I will always remain as vastness as emptiness of me, in search and seek for myself, not seeing and realizing that only what I need is to stand up for myself as life, and thus live according the principle of equality and oneness with myself, as who I am as life, as who I am as physical, in and as breath of my body, as existence as vastness of darkness of me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I can’t satisfy my hunger, thirst and want and need to be appreciated, valued and respected, because of illusions about myself, illusions of appreciation, fulfillment, appreciation and honor, not seeing and realizing that this can be done only be me, as me, living, expressing in equality and oneness of me as life, that only I can see, realize and understood for myself who I am as life, as physical, as my body, in and as breath, as being here, living here, only moment which is here, only moment which exists as me, as vastness of existence of me, as who I am in and as darkness.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to delude myself with idea, believe and perception that I am not able to value, respect, honor and appreciate myself, because of me living in separation from myself, in and as the mind of mirages about myself, not seeing and realizing that to fulfill, honor, respect, value and appreciate means live myself here, in equality and oneness as who I am life, as who I am as my physical body, as breath, in and as vastness of existence of me, as who I am as darkness, as life, as all life is me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not wanted to see that all life is me, that everything in and as existence is me, that I am as all as one as life as physical.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am sick of it, I became sick of it, I became tired of fake experiences and I became sick, tired and disgusted of this mind play out, of this mind games mind plays with each other, with myself, I became sick of living in delusions of me and what I became living towards myself, and thus I start to torture and destroy myself because of not seeing how I can do for myself that I wanted and desired for myself, to simply be appreciated, to be hugged, to be kissed or to be touched, in self honesty of being doing this, not seeing and realizing that is impossible as I never did this for myself thus the others can’t do this for me, and the point of separation from myself I see in this, as to require, want and need to be appreciated by others is illusion as this is how I have to fulfill, respect, value and honor me, I have to hug myself in self honesty of me as who I am here as life, in and as the breath of life as the being respecting and valuing the life, as all life is me but I never did this.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself that I never respected the life as me, I never valued life as me, I never appreciated the life as me, I never see myself as life as I always looked on myself through the mind not seeing and realizing that mind is simply not life.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize that feelings are not of life nor emotions, not seeing and realizing that thoughts destroy life and everything mind consist and exist as dishonor life and diminish, de value and destroy.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to live in destruction of me, in and as disrespect of me as who I am as life but rather lived in illusion, projections and ideas and believes about myself, not seeing that I am always here but I do not accepted myself here, I do not respected myself here as being and existing here, as I made ideas and believes that something somewhere else is maybe better, maybe more valued, maybe more nice and pleasurable, but this can’t be as it will always be just mirage, the illusion of me because I forgot to live me here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to trap myself into and as illusion of being with someone or being together with someone if people are around me, not seeing and realizing that this was just projection, ideas and believe about myself ,as what it means or should be to be with someone, not seeing and realizing that I remained alone in me, with me, and the people around just for a moment provided me the illusion of being with someone, being together, but I am alone always as all as one, as life, in and as physical.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that I was all my life alone in me, with me, here in and as me never no one was together with me as me, only me is who I am, only me is which exists and I was alone each moment I am, I was alone always and I do not wanted to see this, because of separation myself from myself, through the projections, ideas and believes about myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself that I do not wanted to see myself alone in vastness of existence of me, as nothing just me exist and thus I created the ideas and believes and projections as what to be with someone else is, how I can make this and thus tried to fulfill me this way, but no matter how hard I tried, no matter how much illusions I created, I was never with someone and never someone else was with me, as this is impossible as only me is who is here, in and as my body alone within and as me, as all as one.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to want to be fulfilled by feelings and emotions, but I deluded myself as I wanted to fulfill me with illusions thus I never fulfilled myself for real.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that anything which is real, simply can’t be depleted, diminished, or even stop to exist, as that what is real have to remain always, as the what is real have to be here each moment which exist, can’t diminish, deplete or cease to exist.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that anything which can cease to exist simply is of illusion and of the mind and the mirages of mind I started to believe could be possibly real, I found and realized this will never be.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that illusion can’t be real, illusion can’t remain, as what is illusion will always cease to exist and again only I remain.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not wanted to see I am anything of existence and this existence is me. I am the vastness of existence and existence is me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that I am always alone thus I have to be that which exist as me thus to value me, appreciate me, honor me, means to equally appreciate, honor and value everything of existence as me, because I am that which exist.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to believe in separation because I see myself separated from me because the eyes provides me such sensation, not seeing and realizing that I am the darkness which exist and which will remain, not seeing and realizing that I am the existence of darkness as all darkness is me, I am the darkness of existence as existence is me and I am alone in the existence, and I am alone as all as me as darkness wherever darkness could be, thus I am this darkness of me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that which light provide me as seeing others I see are not me, but I deluded myself by this believe as light is not of darkness as only darkness is what will remain, not seeing and realizing that light is subject to darkness and the light is that which needs to be generated, created.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to delude me because I thought and believed in this light that what light showed me is not me, I deluded me because once light is gone thus only darkness remain and I am the darkness of existence here, and I do not wanted to see, accept and realize who I am as darkness as all one, alone as me, me alone.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself that I do not wanted to see me as darkness as the sensation of light seems to be pleasurable, enjoyable, and by this I forgot that I have to enjoy myself as darkness of me, that I have to love me as darkness of existence as me, equally everything without any judgment of me, because everything, everyone all are me as life, as all life is me.

Thanks, Juraj