Day 164 : Revenge – I do not care as you do not cared.

                 Many times before, I experienced various resistances to write, when point came up, but as usual, I placed the points in front of me and could see.

Here, Now, it is different, it is no more resistance to write, actually, writing is the point I really enjoy, as over time writing becomes something which is for me really intimate, allowing me to understand and see. And as the resistance is gone, something different emerged, and it is simply not wanting to write the point, holding the point within me, seeing, knowing that sooner or later I will have to let go, but this is like wanting to keep this for myself, as that which defined me a lot as all points of revenge I lived, and without revenge I am like gone. But lets have a look, why I hold to this point and why I am letting this go.

I was on the kayak tournament during the weekend and many importing things happened to me, and I was with all team on the way home. I was very young that time, and understand what happened that weekend took me almost my whole life till here.

I move out of the bus, as we stopped finally in our home town and picking my things out of the bus, talking with trainer and guys around, it is night. Little bit cold weather, I look around and people are here, which are family members of guys which was on tournament also, and as I see, for each one someone came, father, mother, brothers or sisters or whole families. And I just remained standing alone, and no one is here just me. I am looking in the dark of non-illuminated road and I see no one came. It is strange, even I do not expect no one will come, but whatever, I move up the road. Why no one came?

Blinked through my mind and I do not know answer, the road to home by tram and bus is quite strange, as that question many times emerged, and comparison of seeing all others with someone who came for them and seeing me, that from my big family nobody.

                I am entering the flat, and I see I am hardly noticed that I came, I have so plenty of things I would like to talk about, so many things happened, and I just see that family simply continues the way as always, and no one ask anything from 7 members of my family, anything about me, tournament, how it was going, no one care a shit to even ask any of kind question, no one interested at all. And thus I see, why they should care to come for me to place where bus came, if they even do not cared a shit about me and the tournament, I am starting to doubt if they maybe noticed I was not here.  Mother, father, brothers and sister continuing to talk, behave like I was not away for 2 days.

                I stand and see they do not care, I stand and see that no one is interested in anything about me, and this is hurting me so deeply, this what I see is killing me from inside. And thus I stand and realize that they even do not know that I am the best in whole team, that my technique and my drive is one of the best, they have no idea what happened this weekend and why I will probably stop with kayaks forever, what I realized, what extreme experience I came through in the canal and many more and I see they do not give a shit.

                I stand and I ask myself, as I see no one care, why I should care? Why I should care about them all if no one cared a shit about me? And you will see, as I am here I will revenge to you the same way u did to me, I will not care the very same way as you do not cared.

                This is my vengeance, this is my statement, this is what I will live and I will became the revenge. I will revenge you and you will see how this can hurt, you will see how it is if I will not give a fuck, and time will come you will need me but I will be no more here. You will not be able to get back your words, your ignorance and no matter what will happen I will ignore you, this is my living as I see who you really are.

                I will not care, I will not ask, I will not be interested, not in you and not in anybody else, as you do not know and do not wanting to know, thus be it. You will never know who I am, what I live, why I live the way I am. You will never know me, see me or comprehend me. Simply, because I will not tell you.

                And thus everything you know about me is just bullshit you believe in, because yes u know me, but only that what I allowed, the pillars and the core of me, will remain hidden in front of you, and whatever you will believe in, will be not me. And I will not care, as only once I will see you do not care, I will take on my revenge.

But, as I said before, I am giving up the revenge as me.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 162 : Revenge – My purpose my pleasure

                I desired revenge and this desire I wanted to fulfill, make true, it was my likeness and my pleasure to see that things can turn round and those who hurt me can suffer more than I suffered, satisfaction coming from this revenge I liked.

                Many times I do not needed to act in any way what so ever and just wait, time by itself brought to those I desired revenge for, their misery and agony within them being lost and trapped in the mind. I felt superior and satisfied, I felt being more and stronger.

                I see this as a great perversion towards life, to see pleasure and satisfaction in misery and horror of others, searching for answers, lost in their realms of the mind and I smiled.

                Many times my intentions turned the worst way possible and thus I have been confronted with this point, how my intentions are in fact fake, because they can morph and from “good” intentions mess and havoc I created, as always.

                It was like always around me, despite the fact I wanted others to let me be and let me live, to do not interfere to my life, to do not say to me how I have to live, what I should do just let me be, I always mess and havoc created and place those around me into situations they was not prepared to deal with, nor me.

                The revenge, and the punishment, within this superiority and inferiority took place always, and thus what I followed? Ego as energy, yes my lovely purpose to accomplish, my reason for my life, to see oppressors suffer. And they did , as they will always suffer, as each being trapped in the mind suffer, thus me the very same way, as for decades I suffered by revenge I was busy to accomplish.

                Smile, words, mannerism, cool persona and fine guy yet plot within my mind already in place, plot and wish to others to die, to suffer, to go through horrible experiences as I did, to show them how it is, to show them what they did, through suffering and pain and agony within them, and seeing this please myself, how pervert this is.

                Many thoughts others had about me that I will never do specific things and I did just for the sake to show them they have no power over me, not noticing that by this I gave to power to mind to just follow the very same way as others the designs of energy, everything just balancing out.

                Where was in this equality and oneness? Yet I am controversial for myself, the relationship I created within me towards me is controversial, as I see, understand and realize that only equality and oneness is real, as love. Only real love is equality and this is for me bulletproof, yet many times I lived opposite because just this revenge I needed accomplish, this revenge as my ego.

                This revenge is the very same way energetic experience as all experiences but my most secret, loving and precious one. To give up?

                It was hard even impossible to give up something I was not able to see within me I am doing, making me desperate and insane in many situations, within me in my misery because of this loving energy.

                I will show you – secret thought in my mind, you will see. Another one coming after first, and the wolf in the sheep cloak yet still sheep because still following the ego. I fucked me. I was good in this.

                But things changes as I change day by day, moment by moment.

                Give up on revenge - this is my commitment to myself.

Thanks, Juraj 

Day 157 : Understand me

                I wanted, I searched, I desired, someone to have in my presence to understand me, to see, realize and understand how I am seeing this world, why I am seeing this world the way I do, what points have been those which determined this seeing, and existing of me.

                But, this is not possible for those which do not walk their process, and for those which do, not a lot of words are necessary, they see. Within this, I realized that it is me who have to understand me, that it is me who have to see within and as me why I created myself the way I did, and what points are of my mind I decided to follow, live and why.

                This living of the mind components are not living at all, but for one to move forward within one’s process, it is the crucial point, to see within.

                And just one sentence, as being said many times, the EYE is the key to self, is quite difficult to comprehend and realize, what this really means, as this eye is the eye of the mind, it is the eye of the mind I has been taught to see the world as, because this EYE is not real at all. This eye of the mind is eye of the system, and just outcome of numerous components joining together, coming through everything I lived, accepted, and thus derived the “seeing”. Within this looking the mind looks, but me as self is blind, mind wants, but me as self I just follow.

                The breathing, the awareness of me within moments I participate, even just to the degree possible for me in stage I am, delivered me quite interesting moments of see, realize and understand without judgment of me, the “horrors” I accepted towards me as the mind.

                Maybe not easy but necessary for one to really see what is going on within one’s mind, and how the polarity play out works, do not be scared. Do not try to stand or run away from the shit within the mind, you will never run. It is not possible to run away, everything will remain the same, until one dare to see within the mind, to open the secrets within, to see and confront, to question, to dare to just take out the shit in the mind, deeply suppressed and forgotten, hidden and thrown away, in hope and believe that one will not have to face that what one exist as.

                I did, I am, I will face everything of me, yes, it was, it is, it will be not easy stuff sometimes, but it must be done. Sooner or later, in time which will inevitably come, for me, you, everyone, the questions which will be maybe not pleasurable to hear, but those questions must be placed, simply I have to question me. I have to challenge me.

                And it is me who have to see, realize understand and comprehend anything and everything I created, how, why, when. It is again only me, who push me, me pushing me through numerous resistances of the mind, and I am aware mind will do everything possible to stop me, mind will use all my weaknesses and I will be lead each way possible through all dimensions of the mind, to see, if I stand, or if I fall.

                The falls are specific, and be grateful for them, because you can be certain, if you fall, simply you didn’t stood the point. But do not fall entirely, do not give up on yourself, push and walk.

                The time, I had no patience, I had no stability, I do not wanted to walk my life in time. I wanted, to solve stuff immediately and to have my own “ peace “.

                To be stable, if all around are not is interesting, as this teaches me to be stable simply each moment I am.

                The polarity, and how I moved, move within, teaches me how I split myself and simply, how I do not lived me but this play out. To stop polarity, to stop and unite in me, as I as me. First dare to see.

                It is decision. Nothing else. Give up the mind, not self.

Thanks, Juraj

                

Day 139 : I am not free

                Perception of freedom, to be free or free choice, is absolutely misunderstood and misinterpreted, and in any means, I am not able to say that I am free.

                For me, to be free means, that I decide who I am, what I do, why I do, without any thought in my head, without any desire, projection, idea, believe, to make decisions not by knowledge and information, not by anything of this world, not by anything of the mind, but just only me as expression of me as breath, in equality and oneness with everything which exists.

                Therefore, I am far away from this point, and, I am not free until everything which exists is free, because what exist is me.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize that no one is free until all are equally free.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see that freedom, free will and free decisions do not exists, as everyone is enslaved and trapped within and as mind existence of thoughts.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize, that I am fully responsible for this existence and I am part of the existence and thus each part of existence is mirror of whole.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize that what exists here is mirror of me.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize that I am equal with each particle in existence.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize, that I accepted to enslave me by my own acceptances and allowances towards me.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize that I enslaved me by the information and knowledge of this world.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize that I am the one who gave up on life and became parasite of physical in separation from physical and to became the life I have to gave up the mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize, that anything I gave up of the mind is never giving up on myself but just illusion.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize, that what is possibly to be given up, is therefore illusion and what is real will remain.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize, that only I will remain when I gave up on everything of the mind, as presence of me as awareness of me in and as breath of life.

Thanks, Juraj