Sunday, January 5, 2014

Day 166 : Me accept me

                I made a lot of struggles for me, I created many pains for me, I made walls in front of me, I chained me and I slaved me. I locked me in the past but desired future, feared future because I was seeing what I am doing onto me and I do not stood for me the way I am capable of, I mean, not just in and as the points I saw clearly thus I stood those points, but stood entirely as who I am.

                I had many back doors within me as excuses as attempts to run away and let behind me all the pains and worries and fears and I wanted to stop but I didn’t stopped the way I am capable of.

                I saw me and I saw many me’s and I saw what I am capable of and I saw all my evil hidden in front of me for decades. And the moments I realized each moment is the decision of who I am, my life became more peaceful despite the necessity of consequences created to come, no matter what and how I changed, consequences had to run and show me, me.

                I was in search for me and once I realized who I am as all as one, I started to fear me, I started to fear my real me as who I am as entire existence, I do not wanted to be as who I really am. The hugeness of responsibility shocked me, I remained shaken and I do not wanted to take responsibility for me, for me as all.

                I created this separated idea about me as individual, it was never real, but this idea, this believes provided me that what I wanted, thus “living” as individual as some I – I defined and I made fences and facades to keep this idea, to maintain my life and maybe possibly to be able to live somehow, not wanting to take responsibility, not wanting to step in as direction of me entirely, absolute, as who I am as life.

                I saw no reason why it should be me, why I should give up all this illusions and all points of my precious ego, despite the fact I realized that maintain any is utmost degree bullshits. I wanted to have and keep my life, which in fact never existed, nothing of my life exists, life exists as life, and that’s it.

                I do not wanted to accept all me’s as all variations and forms of life I am, I do not wanted to be the life, because I wanted to keep this illusion of my life. I wanted to keep things go according some prepared possibilities but I was wrong. I was all time wrong about my life, because my life does not exist.

                Everything I believed, projected was separation from me as life as all, to keep this little illusion of my life.

                I was choosing which points I will stand and which not, mostly those which I was absolute sure and clear about, but I was postponing my standing in very specific points as possibly shortcuts of getting out of the mess I was creating for decades and preparing things to be though.

                I thought it is you and me and that we are more than one, but I was wrong as life is one. Life is one and oneness of life is who I am I do not wanted stand for, because I feared responsibility for me, because within this everything change. And I saw moment by moment, what I am in fact accepting, what misery of life I created by my ignorance of me and turning the blind eye everywhere, because of not wanting to accept me as life as who I am.

                I thought I have to be something else, I searched for me but ignoring me in front of my eyes, because through the mind everything looks more sexy, more acceptable, more valid, more real, more true, funny is, never was. Nothing of the mind is true or valid, nothing of the mind is real, not voice, not feelings, not emotions, simply nothing. No single point of mind matches reality, because mind is not of reality. Mind is made of ideas and believes, and that’s my story of so called my life, which never existed.

                Story of ideas and believes about me, I found out none was valid. I was wrong millions times, physical was not wrong one single time.

                Physical, is always right.

Thanks, Juraj

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