Self sabotage and no return

Today morning I woke up quiet easily after 4 hour of sleeping, cool and I looked on financial markets. I placed some orders, made some trades, then on the market the execution of my orders has been completed with some delays and especially my stop orders has been ignored by system and It cause loss.

Whatever, no system is perfect, so I wrote to broker if there is some solution to fix this and pay me the money back. I wonder if broker will be willing to pay me those money back. But after that, as I faced this, I started on markets sabotage myself, the execution of orders, stop losses, simply I violated all my rules, this would not be problem because some rules can be shaped or moved, but problem was, that what I did was simply clear self sabotaging.

I realized this after that happened, because this self sabotage is linked to an excuse that when I have no money, I can’t buy that or that and participate in that or in that, so this self sabotaging has been leading to completing the excuse, why I cannot do something. Simply, to not have money is cool excuse, but perfect fuck up, lol.

Anyway, my loss is not something tragic and I divided the money so this loss is not affecting me in anyway. I can pay everything what I have to pay, and this is cool because I used to trade with the money I could not offer to lose and from that create lot of not necessary mess.

At the evening, I went to shop with electronics to buy camera, to push me to make vlogs also, as I had one perfect excuse why I have no camera but as I described above this excuse is gone now. When I spoke with salesman, the thought in my mind came up “ Fuck I will have to make vlogs and expose everything face to face, ” – like trying to manipulate creation of fear within me to push myself, lol, I noticed it but this is interesting how mind is scared to expose bullshits inside. I want to push myself and will push and will not give up. I have no fear anymore in exposing myself, as it is cool self support and after blogging each day I can see, how fears are gone.

Interesting was, that after those trades, I had some moments like helplessness and thoughts of giving up, but this is so irrational, if all will give up after few mistakes then no change would be possible. 

I realized, that I can’t give up, there is no way back. Way back is closed already.

Thanks, Juraj