Sex and orgasm

I remember the times, when I first time heard about orgasm. When I first time read about it, and started to be interested in. What it is, how it feels, what orgasm is. Small child, laying on the bed, looking on the female doll and imagining how it is, when woman body is adult, how it looks, what could be that touch to the body, what it is what I feel when I imagine those pictures, what it is what I feel inside me, what it is what I feel in my penis, and what is orgasm.

I become excited about that feeling, I was first time masturbating even not aware what’s going on. Wanted to find out, wanted to explore, and wanted to experience it. I found the magazines of my father, obviously it was not advice how to support myself, but porn. J

I looked at all the stuff there, pictures, positions, males and females touching each other, kissing, penetrating, I liked it. I was excited about it, and very liked the stories, it turns on my imagination, where pictures are only pictures, but in my mind, there was a lot of more. Sounds, movements, all situations in front of me and I am looking at it, created in my mind by me.

I was not interacting, just looking at the scene and excited observing it. People there, their desires, their feelings, their way of performing sex, and I am looking and no one knows. No one see what is going on inside me, how my imagination is very busy, I am very busy with my imagination. Occupied with pictures, movements, sounds, speech, excited in each moment and desired to explore it for me by me and experience it.

I created the desire and I become the slave of it. As a child, I couldn’t have a relationship, so I was aware, I have to wait when I will be adult and then I will have a girl and then I will explore it all. I was bored by this idea that I have to wait, I wanted to explore it immediately, why not.  But how, I am only 9 – 10 years old child. Ok, if it is not possible, so I will wait, pissed off about this but whatever.  I started to read stories, sexually oriented, I loved those stories the most. I was bored about all stuff around, playing football, yes it is fine, but it was not what I desired. Each moment, I saw some girl, my attention catches by her lips, her movement, looking on each parts of her body.

Wanted to know what it is, what it means, orgasm. Read a lot about it, manual already understood. I started to masturbate, no ejaculation, nothing, just some feeling in my penis and in my head, o yes, this have to be that orgasm. But not satisfied with it, it has to be something greater than this, maybe because I am so young and I cannot have orgasm.  But that was not reason for me to stop. I started more and more, repeating and repeating masturbation manual, because I have to know what orgasm is and I have to experience it.

I was not picturing myself or scenes during masturbation, I was not good at multitasking that time J I was focused on my penis and that inner feeling in me, in my head, in my penis. After some time, I started to understand, this what I feel, this is orgasm. I started to define myself to this feeling, started to create addiction on it, started to perceive it as something the greatest from the greatest. Not knowing what I am really doing, not knowing what it means, blinded by my own feelings inside. I become blinded by energy release and my self-definition to this release.

When I grew up, I started to transform my knowledge to practice, with girls, relationships created, perceptions of myself and women.  After first relationship, I jumped to another and another and another. Many relationships I had, completely possessed by energy of my mind, completely controlled, absolutely fucked, mind shows me a lot of possibilities how to experience sex, and I wanted to experience each one of.

I never fall to limitation of myself regarding the sex in meaning, positions or what I like and don’t or what I have to have or what I don’t. It started to be for me game, it started to be for me experiencing of possibilities what I can do.

As I experienced still the same orgasm, I started to look for something which can enhance this feeling, where my orgasm can be greater and stronger and last longer.

After some time, I started to notice interesting thing about me, in meaning what I am able to do for this experience, for few seconds, how much manipulation I am using, how much lies just for this desire to be full-filed.  

I started to be bored, about all the shit in regards of relationship between men and women. About all the deception and the games, both are playing on each other, to just full-fill their inner desires, needs, fears, whatever it could be.  Each one defined and perfectly addicted on this energy, able to lie deceives and manipulate, no matter what, because their desire have to be full-filed.  

I was the same, and I started to see it in myself. And I saw myself within this, and after my last experience at my last relationship, I stopped.  I do not wanted to involve myself to such lies again, as I started understand, that all in relationship are fake, driven just by inner “demons” of participants.  Because, energy is what plays the game, and energy is what the men and women are slaves for.

So I continued, without relationship, but masturbating each evening and morning, it becomes my habit and something like what I have to have to function normally. Started to notice on myself, that how come, that I cannot stand the energy pressure within me, how come that I have to do it otherwise It looked to me that I become insane if I don’t.  

Pictures, around me, each day and everywhere, girls, women, so attractive and so provocative, it was my perception.  Their moves, their configuration of body, how they speak and move and behave, everything started to turning me up.  But I did not wanted to go to relationship, as I do not wanted anymore experience the shit of relationship, and the most reasonable was for me, the fakes , poses, and manipulation within this.

So masturbation was something like substitution of all of this, and by the way, simply, I do not wanted to go to such effort just for few seconds of “ great “ feeling inside me. When I saw, how much I had to involve myself to receive what I wanted, simply, price started to be very, very high.  Masturbation started to be enough for me, but I had to have it daily, otherwise, I was not able to “ live. “

But how to stop all of this, how to get out, how to understand, what is this all?

I started to experiment with myself, my body, and especially start to focus on the physical, started to focus on my breath, how I touch, how I define myself to that touch and I how feel it.

Last time, several months ago,  I had urgency within me, to experience myself with some woman, but I do not wanted to go to relationship and start all mentioned shit again, so I called to girl which I saw on net, yes it was whore.  

When I came to her flat, I said her I do not want from her to touch my penis or masturbate or make me blow job and that I do not wanted to fuck her.  That all I want is just touching, no strong light, just mostly shade in room, no music or not intense, just for background. I started to touch her, slowly, gently, observing my reactions within me, observing every movement, closing my eyes and focus on my breath during those touches. Looking and searching for energy within me, my definitions of pictures I see, my definition within me in regards naked woman body, shapes of her breasts, hands, neck, chest, belly, ass and legs.  And stopping, stopping everything which come up, each pop up of the mind, stopped. Not focusing on her, but on myself and my breath.  Went down near to her pussy but she was not naked, and investigating within me, what’s going on inside me. Close my eyes, and realizing that it is about pictures and my definitions to those pictures, seeing clearly within me, why, how I defined myself to these pictures. Looking inside me, If there will be some desire to break my intention to just touch her. Will I be able to stand it, will I be able to not fuck her, and will I be able to not want to experience orgasm if I can. But nothing within me, nothing what could make me to change my decision. I saw for myself what I needed to saw, I realized lot of points within me.  I finished, hour passed and I went home.

Interesting experience, but I knew that time, that this was not everything what I had to understand for myself.

Days by days, I continued with masturbation, and focusing on my breath, no pictures in my mind. It started to be harder and harder to have erection, I noticed, without thoughts penis do not work. But during focusing on physical movement of my hand during masturbation, noticed it is turning me up, but prolonging it, without pictures, without thoughts, almost impossible to finish. I started to help me with some specific thought, picked one and holding it, or just picked one picture and continuing. But, just few seconds, just few before the orgasm, I cleared my mind, I deleted the picture and thought also, just dark and my focus on my breath, focus on physical. Orgasm, started to be different, started to be weak. Ejaculation, no strong “shots”  but just only pouring the semen from my dick, energy released but my experience of it, changed.

I started to understand, that focusing on my breath will be the best choice during this. In few days, I was repeating this several times, until last time.

Last time I masturbated, I experienced nothing, I did not experienced any orgasm, nothing, it was almost the same like peeing, nothing special, nothing magnificent, nothing great.  Just released energy from my body, and that’s it. No self-definition to this release.

It was last time I masturbated, from that time, I had never desire to masturbate again. Or experience the “orgasm “again.

It is more than 3 months, and there is no sexual energy which I should release. I stopped and I am walking it with ease, it comes to me like there is nothing within me, in regards sexuality, pictures or anything what I had related to sexuality before. It is like no existing, nothing. I do not have to fight with energy, I do not have to stop it as I stopped already.  I just walk it, no matter what, I am proving this for myself, as I do not want to experience fake orgasm anymore.

I realized, all orgasms I experienced in my life time, was simply fake. It is just only self definition to the energy release, self perception of this energy, and what self put value for this energy.

I see now, after all of this, how I was blind, how I deceived myself with energy, how I was slave to this energy. How I fucked myself and how I raped myself, and how I limited myself because of energy.

And for me, it is like taking the power back to me, taking the power back to the source, as I am the source, because of my allowance and acceptance, energy has power over me or not.

Thanks.

Lies

I lie. I am lie. I fake. I am fake.  I loved lies. I become lies. I lived as a lie, fake image. Fake words, I become those words. I wanted to stop.  

How?  How to stop what I am living? How to stop lies if no one knows that I am lying.  How to stop if there is no confrontation with my lies?

I mastered lying. I am able to lie to anybody without movement within me, without reaction. I lie directly. I lie without hesitation. I lie instantly.

Lies becomes my living, lies becomes what I am. Lies becomes my companion, lies becomes my world. My world is full of it, as I created it, my veins, my blood, my life is based on lie. I open eyes at the morning, and all lies of me are with me, my personality, and my presentation.  It is faked. My smile is faked, my touch, literally, everything.

 I wanted to escape it, I wanted to hide, I wanted to deny.  But, it is impossible. I cannot escape, hide or deny, as no matter where I am, I am here with my creation, with my lies. Those lies are with me as me within me.  I mastered the quiz – How to fuck up with myself completely. Ask me a question. Any you can ask. Reply will be a lie. Why? Because I am that lie. I become it. I love it as it is only what I know. No worthy to spend a time to ask me questions. I do not judge me. I do not judge it as “bad”. It is my way of living.

I wanted to escape those lies with another lies. How foolish I was.  I looked to the mirror. It is a picture, reflection, those lies are behind.  I am addicted. Addicted on lies. I allowed and I accepted it, I wanted it, I needed it, I desired it.

The manipulation and abuse which I created is extensive. Years over the years, there was no person in my life, to which I told true. How can I, if what I loved was that manipulation, that abuse of others. There was a no person in my life, which I didn’t abuse.

I remember the times, when I started, to use the lies as protection of myself, as protection from others, to do not be harmed, to do not be punished, to do not be responsible.

To hide.  Pche.  But in front of whom I wanted? It is paradox, but in front of me, to don’t face to myself, to don’t face my allowance, to do not face what I accept.

Simply, I didn’t want to see, what I allow and what I accept within me in me as me.

But something changed. I changed. I stop. Self-honesty is the key for change.

My resistance

This is my first blog, after I found desteni, desteni people, desteni message, message of self. I didn't want to write, nor make some vlogs. My reason and excuse was, everything has been written, and everything has been said already. But not by me, but not about me, as I keep a lot of stuff within me and didn't want to share it. Keep for myself where noone can see.

Those who went through desteni material, they know what is this about, those who don't , maybe this will assist them. But first, I started to write blog to support myself, to assist myself, and to see for myself when and why I fucked with myself. As I see that writing supports me in realizing self.

I resisted to write about myself, as I know, that through writting I will reveal a lot of shit created within me by me through my life time here. I know that all that shit I accepted and allowed, and I become it. I didn't want to see what I created, I didn't want to share nor write about it, because why ? Why I should ?

And this is not about anybody else, it is just about me, to show me in front of myself, how deluded I am and I was.

I am doing this for myself, as I asked myself, what I really did for myself.

And If my writing will be supportive for others, that's great, as we are here to walk our process and support each other to do not live fake of ourselves but live for real.