Monday, October 18, 2010


I lie. I am lie. I fake. I am fake.  I loved lies. I become lies. I lived as a lie, fake image. Fake words, I become those words. I wanted to stop.  
How?  How to stop what I am living? How to stop lies if no one knows that I am lying.  How to stop if there is no confrontation with my lies?
I mastered lying. I am able to lie to anybody without movement within me, without reaction. I lie directly. I lie without hesitation. I lie instantly.
Lies becomes my living, lies becomes what I am. Lies becomes my companion, lies becomes my world. My world is full of it, as I created it, my veins, my blood, my life is based on lie. I open eyes at the morning, and all lies of me are with me, my personality, and my presentation.  It is faked. My smile is faked, my touch, literally, everything.
 I wanted to escape it, I wanted to hide, I wanted to deny.  But, it is impossible. I cannot escape, hide or deny, as no matter where I am, I am here with my creation, with my lies. Those lies are with me as me within me.  I mastered the quiz – How to fuck up with myself completely. Ask me a question. Any you can ask. Reply will be a lie. Why? Because I am that lie. I become it. I love it as it is only what I know. No worthy to spend a time to ask me questions. I do not judge me. I do not judge it as “bad”. It is my way of living.
I wanted to escape those lies with another lies. How foolish I was.  I looked to the mirror. It is a picture, reflection, those lies are behind.  I am addicted. Addicted on lies. I allowed and I accepted it, I wanted it, I needed it, I desired it.
The manipulation and abuse which I created is extensive. Years over the years, there was no person in my life, to which I told true. How can I, if what I loved was that manipulation, that abuse of others. There was a no person in my life, which I didn’t abuse.
I remember the times, when I started, to use the lies as protection of myself, as protection from others, to do not be harmed, to do not be punished, to do not be responsible.
To hide.  Pche.  But in front of whom I wanted? It is paradox, but in front of me, to don’t face to myself, to don’t face my allowance, to do not face what I accept.
Simply, I didn’t want to see, what I allow and what I accept within me in me as me.
But something changed. I changed. I stop. Self-honesty is the key for change.

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