Monday, April 29, 2013

Day 158 : Regret as me

                There were many situations in my life I regretted, many words spoken, many actions taken, many decisions made. And I became the regret of me, the regret of my life and decisions I made. But what is this regret, what led me to see me, live me as regret of me and my decisions?

                Who decide and why I even should regret anything I have done or said, even it can looks really as disaster of my life? What that what can’t be changed in anyway should be regretted, or even is the regret valid? It may looks that way but it isn’t.

                The choice is a problem from perspective where the choice lead me, what are the points I see by I am making a choice, and is this choice free? Free choice. How lovely this words can sound, but very rarely the choice is free, is everything is submitted into and as enslavement of the system I live in.

                I am even not sure if I made sometimes free choice, without any movement within me, without any desire, fear of worry, without resist or need or want. I would say yes for several situations I changed heading of my life significantly and by this change I changed everything of my life and how, what my life will be. But, I would not put my life on this as certainty that this was free choice.

                How much components is taking place when I face the moment to make a decisions, and how much times I saw something within me as my mind and I made the choice as opposite of that mind said, show or what back chat was about.

                To make a choice as follower of the mind is never free choice and even it is a not choice as it is already done and placed within mind as result of events of the past. Maybe there was one event I decided within me to stood up and thus I changed everything, and I doubt a bit about several others moment. But whatever, in the world of lies and deception, where I became this lie and the deception of me as living in and as mind, as system which is never real, never will be and never was, I see is quite interesting to start making decisions because of me and not because of others.

                I was led all my life to submit to others and thus make this decision because of them, and I never considered myself , and thus I was not making decisions because of me.

                Many times I thought that decisions I’ve done was self-honest, but it was not. As one point came up and I let o and released myself from such point, and I made decision, another came up and thus I saw and realized that my decision was not self honest as all.

                This is interesting anyway, as I see that all decisions has been set up and placed and based on mind components, except really few, the question is how to make decisions without any mind influences, and maybe the right questions would be, am I even able to be and make decisions without any mind influences within and as me, if I became the mind? It seems not.

                I realized that I am not able to make decision without mind influences as I simply became the mind, I am just able to see within me the thoughts, yes if thoughts are present, sometimes I am like not able to think and all my attention goes into and as my breath. But this even can be mind fuck up thus time will show.

                I realized that after days of peace of me in silence within me, days of thunder and bullshits are coming and thus I have to deal with it. Precisely said, dealing with me and what is as part of me. And last days, weeks, lots of regret, shame and guilt came up within and as me. Lot of pain and sorrow, seeing my life, seeing me and decisions I made and why.

                But the regret and sorrow and quilt and shame will not lead me anywhere, thus everything and all of this is useless as everything mind consists of. All regret is useless and all sorrow is useless and all shame and all guilt and all pain, is for nothing and leading one to nowhere.

                And I see, once I breathe thus no regret and no pain and no shame and no guilt is here with me, just me breathing and I experience myself as peace and silence within me, and again I can’t be so sure that this is real simply because I am just moving myself out of the shit mind is as me, and once I go into anything of my mind thus everything is just coming back within moments what I decide within the mind participate on. And always, how stupid it is and this is the decision.

                This is interesting decision one can practice day by day, to breathe and stop the mind, moment by moment, and thus see and realize what is going on within one life, as mind, of simply participate moment by moment on really useless bullshit mind simply is.

                Nothing of the mind is worthy of attention, as it will be never real, nothing of mind will never became real, as simply it is impossible. The projection within mind, just projection, just illusion. Just deception of self. Desire? The same. Worry? The same. Fear? Exactly the same as previous. And what about the guilt? And who even created guilt? Again just self because of judgments? And those judgment? Just made up illusions again because of others.

                Everything and anything of the mind – is simply a lie.

Thanks, Juraj

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