Sunday, January 23, 2011

I missed the point – Money – part 2

When I was small child, I worked because my father requested from me to work therefore I had to work, I had no another option. He rent 2.5 hectares of vineyard and we as all family members worked there, so from my perspective each Friday and Saturday, I worked on this vineyard. And I’d never seen the grapes from it, because it was very young planted so it took years when this type of plant starts to give some fruit. But anyway, I worked there and I never thought that for work I should get the money, because I worked of request of my father, lot of times burned by the sun, as 6-7-8 years old child, didn’t understood that this will have vast consequences on me, as I was not able comprehend the word by itself.

I enjoyed working there and I hated working there, it was changing from hate to enjoy, but not the word hate per say, rather I disliked it. I am not quite sure what hate means, as I never experienced in my life some energetically charged experience towards someone/something as hate should represent. I can relate rather sadness or depression dislikes or anger but hate, not.

When I worked on that place all the day, hungry and tired, exhausted and burned by the sun, we had one chicken to eat for 8 people. Lol. It looks too crazy now for me, because I know that after I ate mine portion of food, I was hungry the same way as before eating, so little portion could not feed me properly. I was pissed off situation, do not understood why after such working I could not eat well, also didn’t understand that my father simply abused us for work.

Also I was not able to connect working with the money, and the fact that in this world it is paid for work, and people work for money. I didn’t get anything for my work, nor money, nor proper food, nor saw the fruits from that vineyard. But I took it as it is normal and that that’s the way how things work.

It was still communism in this country, almost ending, after that sometimes I was selling the news papers, I was around 8-9 years, and going from people to people if they want to buy the papers, I really didn’t liked this job, it was something like beggary, it looked to me that way. Profit from that was extremely low and I never seen anything from it as all profit went to my father or to all family.

Paradox was, that when I was on Sunday in church and I saw that people are giving the money at the end to the small buckets, and I was the one who waited there with that bucket and saying thank you to all people for that money, again it looked to me like beggary, but when all went out and I had go to give that bucket back to backside of the church, I steal some money, not much, just few coins and it worked. Simply, it was the point I completely fucked up with myself, as I didn’t received anything for my work, but when I saw the money and I could steal it so I did it. Then in the shop I didn’t want to pay for the some small ice cream and I wanted to steal it the same way like money in the church, but some woman saw me and called the personal of the shop, can you imagine, 9 years old child from Christian family. Lol.
So I had to come home and face it and say to my father that I steal in the shop, and I was surprised by his reaction, because he just explained me that it is against the god and that I had to go to church to confess from my sin and that god will forgive me. I was shocked because of not punishment from his side, nothing, just some confessing in front of god ? okey, but I was sad because my mother paid some fee in that shop and my father shouted on her that why she paid it. So when I went to church, I didn’t said to the priest about it, I lied and I spoke some good bullshits and I felt guilty to say it, and at home I said that I said true and I had my forgiveness bla bla, great bullshits.

So I didn’t make some big deal from stealing that time, and I developed better techniques how to steal money from church and do not be hatched, but problem was to legalize the stolen money at home, as I understand that no one will believe me some nice bullshit. So I talked good story how I found the money on the fun-fair celebration and that someone had to lost that money and that it is no possible to find owner, bla bla.  And my father? He took that money from me. Fuck. Can you imagine, so great effort from 9 years old child and everything turned to nothing. I was again without money. Damn.

When I was older, I rater steal the food and candies and chocolates in the shops. That time, it was clear that mine connection and understanding of the money was completely fucked up, and it was not enough, obviously. When I was with my father after communism broke down on one car market near airport so there was some guys playing some hazard, the type you have to guess where the ball is under of 3 same boxes from matches. I didn’t knew that it is a lie and that guy is good in cheating, so when I saw my father how he bet the money and lost it, I judged him that he is idiot and he do not know how to do it etc … fuck how I missed it. After few minutes, I saw another guys playing on provisionary roulette, it was not legal that time, and I wanted to bet cause I had 20 crowns, fascinated by that possibility, thought that I can calculate it, so me as 10 years old child I first time played roulette, and I bet there and I won and again and again, and in row I won 6 times, I had 120 and I wanted to continue but I started to loosing and I was not able to stop and take what I had so I participated till I had nothing. I didn’t understand the situation that time and I didn’t tell to my father and I was again without money. So my fuck upness with the money was completed, almost. It was not enough.

When I stolen some money from church or from people I knew, I felt guilt that time, but after some period it come to me like normal, because everybody is stealing so why I should feel guilt ? How sick I was. How great fuck up. Because, stealing, after some time, in our times is now perfect. People sleep, dreaming their dreams, but stealing as torrents are fully loaded and downloads are in place and music and movies and programs are stolen and people dream their dreams and no one notice, to how extent stealing is in place right now. If you steal money from someone, maybe you will be marked as bad person, but if all steal the stuff through internet, it is okay, and no one is bad. Crazy, isn’t’ it?

Because, in my entire life, I just repeated mentioned experiences, again and again and again, I time looped so much times. Simply, I didn’t receive any financial education, and my experiences and connections created by me within me ,was completely missed because that time I didn’t understand flow of money, simply all stuff around money was just my observation and I was not able to see the points, I could not understand why I am abused for work as a small child, why I cannot get proper food , why I do not receive any money , etc .

Paradox was, that I wanted the money which I didn’t like in my life, cause as I grew old I understand how people judge others because of money, and I do not want to be judged cause of money, I wanted to be without money and loved without money and not because of money. I wanted, that people will be with me because of me and not because what I have or how much money I have, because then I cannot be sure it they are honest or not, but that was times, I didn’t knew anything about desteni. Lot of times in my life I has been cheated because of money, and I couldn’t understand, that also my greed was linked to this, but greed for money? It was not only because of money, cause I didn’t understand them, it was greed for my ego, greed for the feeling inside me, greed for the feeling of that I win.

When I was 16 and I had my first regular job, even just only for 3 days, I was helping on construction of buildings, I get 23 Euros for 3 days of working, and I couldn’t believe that for that type of work I received the money, and I do not understand that some one gave me money for that job, cause to me it looked like very simple, very smooth job, when I compared to jobs in my life I did as a small child.

But after all, after many years of repeating the patterns of beggary and stealing and hazard, it came time to stop all of them and focus on supporting the change we all participate it. And it is equal money system, to do not allow such bullshit as I experienced to be created any more.

Equal money system, will eliminate a lot of bullshits in this world, misunderstandings, egos, manipulations, fear of survival and many crazy shit we insert to ourselves, because of money.

Such shits are not worth the life, life is worth much more.


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