Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Sorting out my mess - stopping another addiction

Ok, I resisted writing after few my blogs, as I had not full understanding how can writing assist me or support me in realizing self. But anyway, here I am.
I have been not honest in relationship with my brother, so this relationship ended. I can say my brother died in front of my eyes, even he was not able to look in my eyes when I asked him questions. I felt deliberately abused by him and betrayed. I perceived him as my closest person from all persons. He was my last brother, but he died. It means, he was never real, how I saw him, how I was communicating with him, how I was silent, so many times, silent because I wanted to avoid conflict for all costs. It means, I was not honest with him, I silently accepted and allowed whatever he did or say, to avoid conflict. This relationship ended, I have no more brothers, I am again alone. Loneliness I experience is vast, I desired and wanted to be in “relationship “ , but I understand that classic relationship is total bullshit. I wanted to be with someone, who can understand what this is all about, but probably, it is not possible.  Probably there is no one who can comprehend or understand what I experience and why I experience. I stopped lot of different things in my life, last one point I took was smoking, I noticed, that I put my stability to smoking, my breath I connected with cigarettes, with that taste, with that breath. I do not smoke, but I feel like I have mess inside me.  It looks to me, like I have to take my stability back, I feel unstable, I feel destroyed and damaged, betrayed, used and abused. I allowed it and I accepted it. Strange. I tested yesterday my trading system, extremely simple, no speculations of the mind allowed. I was surprised, it worked. It generated profit, not vast, just 40 bucks, but I strictly followed trading system, I was bored, but able to follow. Profit was not made by me, but as outcome of following the system. Strange, I understand that without system I am not able to generate and accumulate profit. But today, I completely changed everything, I was not able to follow trading system, I followed my mind, my ego, as I wanted to be more clever as the system, as I wanted to prove to myself that I know how to trade , what a fuck up I did today. I fail completely. Because, I know how much effort I put into stopping everything within me, how long take me to create most simple trading system, and everything what I have to do, just to follow it. So simple, no speculations, no desires, no needs, no fears, no thoughts, system is system, it is strict. And today, I broke it completely and outcome is huge loss. Interesting, it looks like, entertaining & lose, or following system and profit. But profit is also irrelevant, because it is about following the rules of created system. Gambling or trading, gambling or placing trades with clarity and stability. I understand and I am aware, that without it, it will be still the mind, as there is no future or past, there are no relevant points, how to make decision for placing orders. Without system, it is impossible to take appropriate decisions. Without system it is still gambling and I hold onto gambling too long. Really do not matter if this is the trading on currencies, or whatever market it could be, or in casino, or the same way in work. Following the rules of the system create profit also based on system, again no matter on which market it is. What change is picture how the system is represented, and what kind of effort needs to be placed. Without system it is only projections of the mind and desires and fears based on pure speculations and backed-up by nothing by just pure illusion. I understand, that I wanted to place orders based on thoughts, or desires, but this will never work. I know it and I have enough prove. It cannot work, how can be some order valid if it is based on preferences or desires or thoughts, it cannot work in long term. So I tested my trading system and it worked, but it was no fun, there was no energy involved, and I put again too much power to my mind and I fail. I have to stick to the trading system, no matter what; to do not allow my mind anything.  I felt that I am betraying myself, I felt like I am accepting what I do not want to accept. I felt like huge storm inside me, It was like fight, brutal fight, between me and my mind. And I do not want to fight. I do not want to experience storm, I do not want to experience anxiety, loneliness, fear and regret. Breath by breath, I have to develop my stability without energy friction, without cigarettes, without desires to act on thoughts, I have to stand for myself, as I proved to myself lot of times what work and what not. I have no desire to smoke again, even I have no thoughts to smoke, but I feel that I want back my stability. I defined myself too much according cigarettes, and I put my stability to cigarettes, to breath full of smoke.  I do not want to experience so huge misbalance within me, In last three days I spent all my mental powers to do not became insane, I couldn’t sleep, I focused on my breath so much, but no able to stop the living storm and friction within me, one of the “ worst “ experience within me.  Tried to stop but almost lost in that, no way to escape, I spoke lot of self forgiveness and wrote also, after that I become more stable, but not the way I used to be.  I see how much I defined myself according smoking, but I will not allowed to smoke again, simply I gave up smoking, and I really do not care what it will cost, I do not care how hard it will be, I do not care what mind will want to use to make me start again. I will not and I will rather die as I would submit again for smoking. I am doing this for myself and I am giving up this for myself and I do not care who is around me or what situation is around me.  I was on coffee, saw people around me, drinking and smoking, each breath of cigarette, I know how it feels, I know how it taste, and I know how much I loved it. I loved it so much that I was able to die for that. And I see, I put too much power to this addiction, and I am taking this power back to me, as I am the source and I will never ever allow again to cigarettes to have such power over me. I can’t because I do not want anymore. I tried to stop this so many times; I tried to stop this from my 15 or 16 years. I failed again and again and again. I stopped for lot of different reasons, but right now only I am here and right now I am giving up this for me. I am doing this only for me and nothing and no one can change this decision, and I really do not care how thought it will be or what I will experience..fuck, I was not possible to continue and I had to move myself physically, I walked from the office through all size of shopping malls here and step by step how I walked focused on my breath and my body and how I moved I was almost collapsing. I was able only hardly to stop my complete break down as I walked I went out on air and breathe and walk and nothing else just me and realizing that how much of garbage I compounded within me through my life and how I did not want to face it to my own shit. Anyway, it is interesting, now I see. How is writing supportive. It is not about to fear to write or judge what will be written, but just to write it out to make possible to see all stuff from inside written by self.
I did not want to give up smoking, as I had to fight a lot with my family to have “right “to smoke. So much “ battles “ I had to walk, cause not only my mother but also my brothers and my sister wanted to take care about me and train me up and pushed on me because they knew what is best for me. What a shit my family and I have no family anymore. One by one everybody died. First was my father, when I was 13, he had huge cancer on his skeleton on his bowl. When he died I didn’t cry. I didn’t felt anything because I wished him to die because he experienced so huge pain that only absolute egoistic maniac could wish him to live with such pain, with such terrible experiences, with such cancer which eats all his body and led him to death. I wished him to die as I see no point for him to live as I saw no chance for him to cure himself. Everybody around me cried, everybody around me was devastated by his death, but me not. And his god didn’t help him. His god didn’t hear him. And he prayed. All my family prayed to that god which does not listen.  Everybody push me to pray with them to worship god which do not want to be seen and which do not listen and which do not help if someone is in terrible trouble. What a god, what a mighty god which is not able to help if someone needs help.  But how can an illusion help? How can an illusion listen, how can illusion and pictures in the minds of worshipers listen the praying ? What an absurd and pervert it is. How pervert human is, to pray to his illusions in his mind to help him to correct what he done?  How terribly absurd it is, our teachings of our children, how we insert so much lies and bullshits to them. How we kill their innocence and how we kill them and manipulate to worship the same fuck up as we believe in. My father beat me because of his god.  And I had to worship and I had to pray. But when he needed help from his god his god was not there for him. His god which loves him with so unconditional love let him cry and suffer and die in so terrible and painful experiences, that even hard to imagine how much he suffered. I saw him and I saw how healthy man turns into skeleton which experiences pain and terribly suffered. This was his god. I wished him to die because I wished him to stop his suffering; because I saw only death can stop it. All my another relationships with another family members, start to dying within me one by one, even those people are “alive”.
As I see, all my relationships has been dishonest, based on fake words, fake personalities, as I was the same way fake as others was. I have no more relationships and if I will find in my mind some still alive I will stop and I will let go all of them as starting point of all has been lies. Fake pictures, backed up by fear, anxiety created and inserted and allowed as I participated on such brainwashing with all members of my family. I almost lost myself, I almost lost myself in such lies and in such fake experiences and in such fake living attitude. I stop. Lot of has been stopped and lot of waiting on me still in my mind to be stopped. Breath by breath I will rebuild my stability without cigarettes, as breathe as me here.

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