Layers upon layers

                Recently I worked in my room on removing paintings on walls and ceiling, because of decision that flat I live in will be sold. My first intention was just to remove only some parts and re-paint it with just one color, so it should be easier.

                First few days I was just removing little areas and the wall looked really like mess, no structure, colors upon colors layered and I realized that to remove this all will take more effort than I thought before. Than information that flat will be sold came to my attention so I decided to remove it all and put on walls original white color.

                As I continued working on removing old paintings, I started to not be satisfied with my work on areas where I worked already. I decided that I will do it clearly and with quality and work systematically to make sure that I will do it properly and that there will be no need to put attention on that parts anymore.

                I tried different tools and different approaches to get that sense how to do it most effectively, on places where was only one color the removing process became fast and color gone with ease. On areas with layers of colors the removing became real pain, where centimeter over centimeter required effort and attention and over time my hands became tired and painful.

                I also received advise that water should assist with this removing significantly, firstly I was skeptical about this advise but as I tried it so the removing the one layered color on ceiling became fast process.

                In few days, I had real hard mess in everything in the room, as I didn’t covered stuff in room, so the dust and colors was literally on everything,

                Last day, the morning I woke up, I decided that I am going to finish it because I became little bit pissed off about  the mess in my room and that nothing was on its place and moving in my room became problematic, even air has that smell of colors and dust.

                So after removing all the color, I re-painted the walls with white and I last just one wall with painting, because this one I like so when it will be really necessary I’ll remove it.

                To clear all the dust and clear the mess took several hours, when I finished, I was surprised about myself that I did it. It was like, hard to believe that I finished it and that it is done. But yes, it was done and the order came to my room again.

                While completing this, I realized, the process of stopping the mind, removing patterns, systems, is very similar to this. Where self create one layer of fuck up thus it could be really easy to remove, where self layered the bullshit upon bullshit it could be harder and thus it could require more attention and discipline to remove what needs to be removed.

                And where self created lot of layers upon layers of the same system, thus to remove this could be real pain and require dedication and maybe all effort needed to remove and see what has not been seen and realized, what is real if just painting and facade is removed.

Thanks, Juraj

When life is a LIE

  I went to stadium with several co-workers, exactly 4, they wear civil dress and me also but we as police officers came here to expose some type of crime. The persona in charge of running of the stadium ask me what is my first impress of this place, and I said to him – Look, it looks sad, place where are no colors, just one like shadows with people sitting on bad chairs looking on some folks running down there. He was little bit surprised with my answer, as I didn’t experienced that drive as people all around.

                We went to some small room, looking like cafeteria with television in top corner, people looked totally bored and place like prison room, my co-workers changed their dress into official one, I remained in my civil. As I looked on them, their green police suit remained me that we are army police.

                As we moved down through levels in stadium, I came as first to the basement, co-workers remained on 1^st one. As I moved there between pillars, in the darkness I spot one persona hiding behind one pillar, I was aware that he could have probably gun so I notified co-workers that one of them is just here near to me to make them aware where to focus.

                I noticed another one behind another pillar and another; I became little bit more attentive because I realized that this could be harder than we thought before.

                My co-workers started to move to the basement, I spotted that guys started to catch the guns so I moved myself to do not be in direct trajectory of possible projectiles behind another pillar, but as my co-workers came down, everything started to be to quick.

                From the shadows of weak lights another and another members of mafia clan start to emerge and I realized that we little bit underestimate the situation and possibility of harm and what is going on here and that this crime personas have little bit more power than us.

                In few moments we were surrounded by many mafia members with guns pinpointing on our heads and I realized that we little bit fucked this. One member came to me, she started to touch me and jiggle me wanting from me to touch her, but I was aware if I will put hand on her or attack that it will be signal for them to shot me as I was aware that they make some provocation and then use it as prove to start action and kill.

                I was not aware what happen then, or what she did or how all action ended, because I could not remember anyhing from moment as I fall into coma.

                I found myself sitting on the grass, cold outside and I had only on me the white sweeter and green vest, nothing else, bottom part of my body naked and also no shoes. I was not able to understand situation, so I decided to move somewhere, I spotted bus stop nearby so I moved there, aware that I am naked down but whatever, I needed to move. As I came to bus stop, I sat down on the grass wanting to wait on buss, exhausting, I noticed that I sat nearby some guys, and here noticed my unusual dress so he asked if it something mean, in meaning of sexual harassment I just replied to him that not everything is the way as it looked, and do not wanted to bother myself with someone misunderstanding.

                As I was aware that he could possibly became aggressive so I didn’t want to escalate any conversation, I had enough in my situation, and some bus came and this persona stood up and went on his bus, as he sat down and looked on me I just showed him fucker sign and let him go. Lol

                Another bus came, and it was one going my way so I stood, and I realized that vest I have on my chest I can put around my hips to not be naked and to not scary people around, so I did that and I get on the bus.

                 Back in the army, I had my official police army suit, my subordinates stood in line behind me, and I was really pissed off one of my highest ranked co-worker, as there was suspicion of him to have some illegal deals. We started to scream on each other and as I walked back from him I tripped and wanted to prevent my fall so instinctively I grabbed him for his shirt but just for his chest pocket, which I rend and some sort of ID’s fallen out.

                I took the list of them, and it was unfinished and I realized that this ones are fake and wants to be used for some type of crime and I was really surprised that there was also ID made on my name with my changed picture, and I realized that he wanted to include myself also to some illegal actions and make some fraud of me. As I stared on that picture realizing this, with shacking realization that one of my nearest co-worker wonted to do this, I realized another thing.

                On that picture I had no hairs on chin and made funky hairs on head with some little islands of hairs with metal rings around, looking more like same gang member also with bad shaved sides of my face.

                Through my mind flashed, the point how and when I came to this facelift, I realized that it was once I was kidnapped and questioned by gang members and they made some hairs style to make some more fun from me. I was not aware about this it reveled to me just now in the moment, it was like trauma forgotten but still within me just realized.

                That time, when I came home, my wife was on my surprising not shocked of my look and my hairs, and as I was not aware how this happened to me so I lied her that I wanted to just try the new haircut. My daughter look on me and she liked it, my wife said that finally on my old legs, old age I did something with my hairs which looks good.

                I realized, she lied to me all the time about my look and how she perceived it, and I started frenetically laugh, in my laughing realizing, how much other points she lied to me or my daughter.

                In this frenetic laughing, I realized this shocked me the most, that my life was a LIE. That I lived life of another as a lie, as a hell. Everything I know and experienced was lie, laughing on me and on my blindness.

                I woke up. My body overheated, catching my breath, deeply breathing and I tremble little bit, seeing all of this, looking within me, on the points, from the dream above.

Thanks, Juraj