Day 113 : Life is pain

                The experiences of me, and the perception of my life, over many years, became like ingrained into me the perception, that life is pain, life is though, and that to be here is pain, because of various different experiences going through fights with my brothers, perception of my father, linked with the behaviors of mother, through relationships with friends I had, the girls I dated with, school system and the working system, and this all intertwined with money system, and how I managed my life within this all together.

                Thus perception of life, that life is pain I became living it, managing everything into my own pain to me to live here. The pain of life I experienced as physical pain cured and my body is perfectly fine, the pains of myself as experiences within me became my living, my perception and the way how I see my life.

                I would like to enjoy my life each moment, and I even do not see what real enjoyment, yes, several times I experienced, myself as enjoying me, the moments I am here, but mostly, I see it is fake enjoyment as it is directed towards external points I used to like, but as I removed energy related towards this points I used to generate the positive energy, thus like only pain remained.

                And it is possible to enjoy me as I am here? And it is possible to see life differently? To cure myself from all the falls and lies, to cure myself from all hurts and became the one who live here, in presence of me as life?

                Sure, it is possible as everything is possible, just do it.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see and perceive my life as pain, as though, as make believe created because of the falls in my life, lies I said and live, because of hurts I experienced as energy movements based on separation, and relationships with friends and girls where I started to perceive that relationships are pain.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see the relationships between me and friends as pain and thus step back from any relationships as protection mechanism to not be hurt anymore.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see the relationships between myself and girls as pain, horror and see and perceive it as though and thus live this perception and believe and mange my life and the relationships the way to be this pain, horror and though.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not enjoy myself here, not really enjoy the moments I am here and live, because of perception, believe and idea that life is hard, though, pain and horror and thus I would like to go somewhere where life is more easier, mostly where are no people.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to step back from all people as a protection mechanism to not be hurt.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to want and desire to live as bird, because of perception and believe that bird is free and that bird has easy life that bird can just sit and do not bother about anything.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not want to live on this planet because of systems I have to live in, the deception and lies, and thus create within me the perception and believe that life is hard, painful and though because of money I have to get to be able to live, because of systems I have to deal with and thus perceive myself that I have to defend myself and thus that I cannot live myself, because I became living in constant pain of myself of seeing my life, not seeing and realizing that it is me who managed everything this way, and that it is me who perceived myself this way, and thus it is only me who can change everything of me to be the way I really would like for myself, to have and live life which is of worth, being here and enjoying my presence.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to perceive and believe that my relationship with my father was terrible and horror, perceiving him as dictator and thus separate myself from him, because of fear in front of him and thus hide and present false face, false words, false behavior while living in family, because of perception and idea that it is hard to be here, that I have to play the game of life as adults showed me and thus became the player of my life, instead of live my life.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see and perceive myself as life as be hard, as be horror, terrific and problematic, because of my own self definition during events which took place in my life, like interactions with family members, fights with brothers, lies heard and spoken by me and others, ended friendships and ended relationships, and because of this I created within and as me the idea, believe that life is hard, pain, and though, not seeing and realizing the simplicity of being here and do what is necessary to do, to simply enjoy and live me, be here not matter what.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see my life as not of worth, not of value, not of reason, instead of see and realize that life is the only value which exists and which is real, and thus all life has the same value and the same worth, and thus I am worthy and valued the same way as life is by itself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see and perceive myself as not worthy to be life, because of abuse, manipulations, lies, deception I created for myself and for others and thus judge myself and perceive myself as not worthy and thus think, believe and create the idea that life is hard, painful and horror, and thus became living the life the way I defined myself into and as.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see and perceive my life as hard, painful and horrific as a judgment, perception and believe that I have to be punished for everything I accepted and allowed towards the life as me and that I have to pay and learn the lesson to do no more abuse the life as myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think, believe and perceive that I have to be domed, punished, for everything I accepted towards myself as life, because through this punishment I will be able to live as learned lesson to do no more abuse myself as life.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that something bad exists and that if I do something bad thus I have to be punished, not seeing and realizing that nothing like bad exists, not seeing and realizing that good/bad is the polarity system accepted and learned from my parents and by this create within me the idea and believe that I have to be punished, because if not thus I am bad, and by this punishment want to re-buy myself and re-get my self acceptance as good persona, not seeing and realizing that this is just illusion of the mind, not seeing and realizing that mind exists as polarity and not seeing the world the way how world really is, and thus simply do not judge myself for this creation, but rather became the solution.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I have to suffer and experience pain and horror, because of lost friendships, lost relationships, lost friends, parents, brothers, and that I was the cause of this all, that I was the one who did everything wrong and thus by this see and perceive myself and my life as pain, problem and judge myself as the one who did everything wrong.

                I commit myself to see myself of worth, of value, of life as the only value which exists.

Thanks, Juraj

               

Layers upon layers

                Recently I worked in my room on removing paintings on walls and ceiling, because of decision that flat I live in will be sold. My first intention was just to remove only some parts and re-paint it with just one color, so it should be easier.

                First few days I was just removing little areas and the wall looked really like mess, no structure, colors upon colors layered and I realized that to remove this all will take more effort than I thought before. Than information that flat will be sold came to my attention so I decided to remove it all and put on walls original white color.

                As I continued working on removing old paintings, I started to not be satisfied with my work on areas where I worked already. I decided that I will do it clearly and with quality and work systematically to make sure that I will do it properly and that there will be no need to put attention on that parts anymore.

                I tried different tools and different approaches to get that sense how to do it most effectively, on places where was only one color the removing process became fast and color gone with ease. On areas with layers of colors the removing became real pain, where centimeter over centimeter required effort and attention and over time my hands became tired and painful.

                I also received advise that water should assist with this removing significantly, firstly I was skeptical about this advise but as I tried it so the removing the one layered color on ceiling became fast process.

                In few days, I had real hard mess in everything in the room, as I didn’t covered stuff in room, so the dust and colors was literally on everything,

                Last day, the morning I woke up, I decided that I am going to finish it because I became little bit pissed off about  the mess in my room and that nothing was on its place and moving in my room became problematic, even air has that smell of colors and dust.

                So after removing all the color, I re-painted the walls with white and I last just one wall with painting, because this one I like so when it will be really necessary I’ll remove it.

                To clear all the dust and clear the mess took several hours, when I finished, I was surprised about myself that I did it. It was like, hard to believe that I finished it and that it is done. But yes, it was done and the order came to my room again.

                While completing this, I realized, the process of stopping the mind, removing patterns, systems, is very similar to this. Where self create one layer of fuck up thus it could be really easy to remove, where self layered the bullshit upon bullshit it could be harder and thus it could require more attention and discipline to remove what needs to be removed.

                And where self created lot of layers upon layers of the same system, thus to remove this could be real pain and require dedication and maybe all effort needed to remove and see what has not been seen and realized, what is real if just painting and facade is removed.

Thanks, Juraj

Me and water – silent

                Some time ago, I was swimming at the lake, not too much, maybe just almost to the middle of the lake. I decided to go back, and as my condition is questionable I became little bit tired so I turn on my back and slowed down.

                Just only tiny movements I did, focusing on my breathing, on my tiny movements, in water, silent.  In that moment, there was nothing within me, just me and water. I felt nothing, no pain and no fear, no desires and no memories, no projections and no expectations, noting within me and I enjoyed the silence of me. My mind was silent, me breathing.

                In that moment, I was safe, it was like experience safety, like nothing can happen to me and nothing can harm me, nothing can move me, within me, and I enjoyed this moments.

                I would like to experience myself without anything within me each moment, as I was, it was just me and water.

Thanks, Juraj

Body move - Breath move.

                I stood beneath the trees, closed my eyes and just focused on my breath, my head started to move, various positions started to change and I noticed how much muscles constraints/pains in my neck area again emerged.

                I enjoyed the refreshing blowing of the wind and the sounds of the leafs in that movement.

                So I just breathe in and out, and slowly released those tensions in muscles, my vertebrae clicks and movement of my neck and head become again smooth, my body started to move to several different positions, which maybe looks fancy, but in each move, there was like stop and I felt tension in muscle which has been the mostly stretched.

                As my body moved, the last position was like standing with straight legs but with body bent down with my hands towards my foot fingers, and I was little bit surprised how much tensions was in my lower back muscles. After few moments I straighten the body, and I like a lot the moment as I felt refreshed. It’s cool to feel the body and muscles, how with the breath is one able to refresh the body and release pains/tension in it.

                I decided that I will go more often to the nature and practice with my body, as I see that’s cool support to be with the body and work with.

Thanks, Juraj

Limitation

I experience pain, intensive pain, this pain is with me everywhere I am. Even hard to describe this pain, never experienced before.

It is not pain of feelings/emotions it is not pain of unfulfilled something, it is pain in my spine, in my chest, in my scapulas in my neck. It seems that this pain is compounding, day by day I experience it more and more.

Scapulas relate to limitation system, but as I search within me, I can’t see it. If I can’t see my own limitations, I must become my own limitation.

Information and knowledge, that’s my own limitation, everything I know and everything I can grasp, at the same time I am enslaving myself into it. Definitions created to each particular information I lived, it is infused in me, with me.

Want to drop it all, realized it is not possible, how can I drop what I lived and become it? I can’t drop it just like throw something on the floor, I have to defuse myself from it, purify myself and my body.

I have to forgive each one idea I had, each one self definitions to that ideas, I had to drop all believes, I had to drop everything what was lived not of life, all which is of systems, of the mind.

This will take some moments, one by one, to remain just only me, here.

Thanks, Juraj