Day 156 : Anxiety is self delusion

                Anxiety as a fear is specific, as this fear is specific in relation of one mind, projections and connections as relationships within and without, as anxiety, represents fear of one own illusion.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to exist within and as mind design of fear as anxiety as energetic experience within me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to exist as mind projections of the future, and from this create the fear of this future because of not taken self responsibility for handling of money.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to connect money to fear and thus create within me the energetic experience as fear as anxiety in relation to money.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to believe that energetic experience as anxiety is real, instead of see and realize that this is illusion as fear of the future as mind projection.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create within and as me the projections of possible future and thus fear this future, as connection towards the money and fear that I will have no money to pay for stuff I will have to pay for.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to define myself towards energetic experience of fear, as projection to the future and thus think and believe that this fear as anxiety is real.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to exist within and as fear of the future, define myself towards this fear as mind projections and became it, instead of see and realize that I trapped myself into an illusion of fear and thus let fear to direct me, mislead me and enslave me, and that by this I accepted and allowed to myself to separate from myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to submit myself into an idea that fear is vital for life, instead of see and realize how deceptive this is, as fear is enslaving life.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear my own mind projections.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that energetic experience within me as fear as fear of the future is real experience of me, instead of see and realize that this is just energy movement created by the mind because of acceptance and allowance of living as the mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that anything as energy experience and energy movement within myself is a lie, not seeing and realizing that mind as a whole is a lie, that anything of the mind is a lie, deception and enslavement.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to exist within and as energy experience as fear towards myself, in separation from myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create positive perception towards fear as energy experience in believe that this experience is my living, instead of see and realize that this is my self deception and my own enslavement within me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to enslave myself through fear and separation from myself, instead of see and realize that I deluded myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to like my own fears, define myself through my own fears and think and believe that this experiences I need, want and require for myself to exist, instead of stop, breathe and remain here as presence of me as who I really am.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to throw away my self responsibility for handling of money because of requirement of wanting, getting and living in and as fear as anxiety, as projections to the future where because of lack of self responsibility I accepted and allowed to myself to trap myself into and as fear of the future.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that future exists, instead of realize that future is just mind projection based on the memories of the pasts moments.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to trap myself in and as past moments I lived as energy experiences as fear, as projections to the future.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to trap myself in the past through fear of the future as mind projection created of the past memories.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to exist as a memory of my lack of handling of money and by this create and experience within me the anxiety.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to trap myself into a past through memory of the moment when I spent money and start to fear the future as a mind projection as how I will pay for stuff I need to pay for.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to become a memory of my past experiences as self definitions of energy experiences as fear.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that what happened in the past have to happen in the future, and thus trap myself into a mind projection of the future because of me existing as a memory of past moments.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate from myself through existing in and as memory of fear of the future as mind projection.

Thanks, Juraj 

Day 135 : To realize – Real I see

                Within my process, I was falling many times, because I wanted to stand up because of comparison, information and knowledge and thus through this knowing wanting to change myself and let go the past as creation of me as a program.

                Many times I has been asking myself similar questions in regards of points I fall and why, and I was like in circle of wanting to stand up, but fall, wanting to prove others, and fall, wanting to show others, but fall, wanting to save others, but fall, wanting to live me, but fall, wanting to stop the mind, but fall.

                In certain period, my process became constant falling, everything I existed as was falling, falling and falling, what supported me most was my breath and self-forgiveness.

                I can say, that was almost certain, that I will be no longer here, but only to my breath and self forgiveness I am able to write this, and see myself and the world therefore from very different perspective.

                When I realized how much and how deep my self dishonesty go, I was like very sad from myself, as everything I became was just this being, trapped in the mind in many ways, not able to even decide one decision in self honesty.

                But after many falls, I realized, very simply point, and simplicity of standing the point, that simply, I do not have to do that, what mind tells me, that I do not have to follow the ideas, projections, believes, that I do not have to think, that I do not have to believe, hope or participate on any feeling or emotion, but just only see myself, and what I do and how the way how it really is.

                To see me, to see how and why I created myself as a program, is sometimes shocking, from perspective of seeing the consequences and mess of bullshits I created, and when I started to see this, I wanted simply get out of the mess I created, but I wanted to get out as the mind, and thus create even more mess for myself.

                There are several points I stopped within me, and I see why I did, but thus I remained falling and falling was because of simple point – my self dishonesty and patterns I created of myself about myself and my life, how I saw myself and why.

                I was not able to see how I can stand up for myself, I was not able to recognize, comprehend and realize for myself what are the points I fall and why, because of my very own dishonest nature, as simply living as the mind, as the one who needed everything what mind consist of to be able to live.

                When I started to see and realize for myself, that simply I am able to stop, I start to look only to the past when I fall, and thus see only that how cool it was when I stood point and how it is fucked all when I fall the point, thus instead of seeing here what I can do, how I can do, to stand the point again and really for myself, I was in the mind only looking how fucked it is when I fall, and thus compare myself in the mind with myself in the past, and gave all attention within me to my falls and thus I became simply incapable to really work effectively on the point, to take into consideration each part of me and thus see why I fall, and utilize this fall effectively.

                And because of this, some specific falls I repeated so many times, and also tried to solve so many times, that I became like completely lost in this point, instead of do the most simple thing I could, which I did finally for myself today.

                To  simply, place myself and everything related to this point in front of myself on the paper, and thus finally see what I became, why, and what are the secrets within me related to this point, and thus see why I keep on falling in this point.

                And I realized, that I wanted to stop because of others, because of information and knowledge, because of my separation from myself, because of me lying to me, because of me hiding, because of my own self dishonesty, because of my ego, because of judgment, because of perception of me and many other points related to this.

                And the most simply point was, that I did not realized, but I knew and simply, it is impossible to stand up and stop and let go, if one know, because knowing is of the mind, see and realize is self.

                And the question came up one being said:

We will see who really see, I see, do you see? And this seeing that being mentioned, means to realize the truth of ourselves. And to realize the truth, one simply have to became self-honest, there is not another way.

Thanks, Juraj

Me and water – silent

                Some time ago, I was swimming at the lake, not too much, maybe just almost to the middle of the lake. I decided to go back, and as my condition is questionable I became little bit tired so I turn on my back and slowed down.

                Just only tiny movements I did, focusing on my breathing, on my tiny movements, in water, silent.  In that moment, there was nothing within me, just me and water. I felt nothing, no pain and no fear, no desires and no memories, no projections and no expectations, noting within me and I enjoyed the silence of me. My mind was silent, me breathing.

                In that moment, I was safe, it was like experience safety, like nothing can happen to me and nothing can harm me, nothing can move me, within me, and I enjoyed this moments.

                I would like to experience myself without anything within me each moment, as I was, it was just me and water.

Thanks, Juraj