Day 3 : Sleep, sleep, remain in trance

                You need to sleep to grow up, You need to sleep because it is time to go to bed, You have to go sleep, You have to wake up - it is time, You can’t sleep longer, Go to bed – it is not time to wake up, You have to go to school – you have to wake up, Wake up – we go away, Wake up – we go to work, Wake up – we go to church, You have to sleep – otherwise you will be tired, You have to sleep – if don’t you will not be strong, To sleep 8 hours is good, I like to sleep 8 hours, I like to sleep really long, Is good to sleep 8 hours or more, you need it, and your body also. You must be tired, This is exhausting and hard – I will be tired, I feel I am tired, If I’ll do that – I will be tired, I worked hard – thus I must be tired, Do not disturb me – go to sleep.

                Some of the statements I heard from my parents, my family members, or others when I was young, some of them I took and start to believe that are true and some I rejected or became pisses off about, some I shaped according my perception of particular situation.

                As a young boy, when I was looking forward on something which should happen tomorrow, I can’t stay in bed when I opened eyes and jumped out of the bed, when school years come I postponed my jumping from bed and over years it was no longer jumping but rather sneaking.

                What was in my mind as next day responsibilities, issues, possible experiences etc. therefore according this my waking up shaped and time how long I spent in bed.

                As a child, when I had to learn English words and as I was forced to learn it, I rejected it many times and when the time for “exams” come at the evening  I rather pretended that I am sleeping and hide in front of fact, that I fucked off to learn some “stupid “ words without any meaning to me, as I saw no purpose why I should to learn English words if no one is speaking with such words around me, I rather played and enjoyed myself. Thus I used sleeping as hiding and as protection mechanism.

                I enjoyed the dreams as a child as I have no idea or understanding what dreams means and this supported me in creating various mind projections about the world, my life, me. I never understood how is possible that I see the light and pictures in dreams, as I have closed eyes, how come that I move or experience anything while I am sleeping, just mind, nothing of that real.

                Lot of times in past I experienced big struggles when I wanted to sleep, now mostly I fall asleep in one moment, I just breathe in and out and I am sleeping, to go to sleep mostly it is not process anymore, sometimes the waking up is still process, as I do not want to go out from bed immediately as I like just laying and relax.

                With the waking up at the morning, I had really big struggles with that, now it is much better and last times I am able to sleep 5-6 hours, and be not tired during the day, and wake up and do not again fall asleep, as with this I had huge issue, but anyway, it is still not immediate and constant.

                The feeling of tiredness and believing that it is tiredness or that I am tired, I experienced always in my head region, very cool how mind is able to place energy experience into head and also how easy it is to fall to believe that this experience is real.

                In the past, I would never even think that I can manage from sleeping 8-10 hours or more into a 5-6 hours sleeping and be fine with me and ok during the day.  Still it is not perfect, still it is not absolutely constant, so, what is perfection about? To manage things, living into consistent and constant application of self, in all aspects and all facets of self, here, constant and consistent, this will be quite interesting.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that I have and need to sleep to grow up.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to go to sleep according saying that it is time to go to sleep and bound and link the decision to go sleep into a time and what time it is, instead of necessity of my physical body to rest.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to submit in front of saying that I have to go sleep and dictate from my environment.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to link my waking up into a time and time perception and believing that it is time to wake up, instead of allowing myself to wake up and stand up from the bed when my physical body is rested.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to accept the saying that I can’t sleep more instead of trusting to my body as physical and see and realize when my body is rested.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to link and attach my waking up into a necessity to go to school and connect and create within me not likeness of going to school and from this derive not likeness to want to wake up and stand up from the bed.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me not likeness to wake up and stand up from the bed when I was forced to wake up and from this to create within me perception and believe that I am still tired.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that I have to sleep as when not that I will be tired, instead of realizing the necessity of my physical body to rest and relax.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that if I will go to sleep I will be strong.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that to sleep 8 hours is good and that I need to sleep this time frame.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me likeness to sleep long and define this long as more than 8 hours time frame.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that it is good to sleep more than 8 hours time frame and think and believe that my body needs to rest, sleep and relax more than 8 hours.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that when I work on something that I have to be tired and not realizing if my body is really physically tired.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me the projection that if I will work on something which I perceive as hard that I will be tired or exhausted and from this exist within and as mind projection that something is hard and that if I will do that I will be tired.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that when I completed and finish something which I perceive as hard thus I have to be tired, instead of see and realize if my physical body is really tired.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to use sleeping as hiding in front of myself as protection mechanism in front of fact that I do not completed my responsibilities or that what was required from myself to complete or learn.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to use sleeping as hiding in front of fact that I rejected something which I was forced to learn or complete and thus do not have to face it.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not stand up from bed immediately when I open my eyes and took my breath in.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that when I will stand up from bed immediately after I wake up that I will be tired during the day and that I will not be rested properly.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to like and create likeness within me with postponing my standing up from the bed after I woke up, instead of stand up immediately as I know and realize that anyway I will have to stand up.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not be consistent with my sleeping less than 6 hours.

  I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think that when I slept for several days less than 6 hours I deserve to sleep at least one day more than 6 hours.

I commit myself to sleep less than 6 hours consistently.

I commit myself to stand up from bed after I wake up and took my breath in.

I commit myself to be constant and consistent with my application of sleeping less than 6 hours.

Thanks, Juraj

When life is a LIE

  I went to stadium with several co-workers, exactly 4, they wear civil dress and me also but we as police officers came here to expose some type of crime. The persona in charge of running of the stadium ask me what is my first impress of this place, and I said to him – Look, it looks sad, place where are no colors, just one like shadows with people sitting on bad chairs looking on some folks running down there. He was little bit surprised with my answer, as I didn’t experienced that drive as people all around.

                We went to some small room, looking like cafeteria with television in top corner, people looked totally bored and place like prison room, my co-workers changed their dress into official one, I remained in my civil. As I looked on them, their green police suit remained me that we are army police.

                As we moved down through levels in stadium, I came as first to the basement, co-workers remained on 1^st one. As I moved there between pillars, in the darkness I spot one persona hiding behind one pillar, I was aware that he could have probably gun so I notified co-workers that one of them is just here near to me to make them aware where to focus.

                I noticed another one behind another pillar and another; I became little bit more attentive because I realized that this could be harder than we thought before.

                My co-workers started to move to the basement, I spotted that guys started to catch the guns so I moved myself to do not be in direct trajectory of possible projectiles behind another pillar, but as my co-workers came down, everything started to be to quick.

                From the shadows of weak lights another and another members of mafia clan start to emerge and I realized that we little bit underestimate the situation and possibility of harm and what is going on here and that this crime personas have little bit more power than us.

                In few moments we were surrounded by many mafia members with guns pinpointing on our heads and I realized that we little bit fucked this. One member came to me, she started to touch me and jiggle me wanting from me to touch her, but I was aware if I will put hand on her or attack that it will be signal for them to shot me as I was aware that they make some provocation and then use it as prove to start action and kill.

                I was not aware what happen then, or what she did or how all action ended, because I could not remember anyhing from moment as I fall into coma.

                I found myself sitting on the grass, cold outside and I had only on me the white sweeter and green vest, nothing else, bottom part of my body naked and also no shoes. I was not able to understand situation, so I decided to move somewhere, I spotted bus stop nearby so I moved there, aware that I am naked down but whatever, I needed to move. As I came to bus stop, I sat down on the grass wanting to wait on buss, exhausting, I noticed that I sat nearby some guys, and here noticed my unusual dress so he asked if it something mean, in meaning of sexual harassment I just replied to him that not everything is the way as it looked, and do not wanted to bother myself with someone misunderstanding.

                As I was aware that he could possibly became aggressive so I didn’t want to escalate any conversation, I had enough in my situation, and some bus came and this persona stood up and went on his bus, as he sat down and looked on me I just showed him fucker sign and let him go. Lol

                Another bus came, and it was one going my way so I stood, and I realized that vest I have on my chest I can put around my hips to not be naked and to not scary people around, so I did that and I get on the bus.

                 Back in the army, I had my official police army suit, my subordinates stood in line behind me, and I was really pissed off one of my highest ranked co-worker, as there was suspicion of him to have some illegal deals. We started to scream on each other and as I walked back from him I tripped and wanted to prevent my fall so instinctively I grabbed him for his shirt but just for his chest pocket, which I rend and some sort of ID’s fallen out.

                I took the list of them, and it was unfinished and I realized that this ones are fake and wants to be used for some type of crime and I was really surprised that there was also ID made on my name with my changed picture, and I realized that he wanted to include myself also to some illegal actions and make some fraud of me. As I stared on that picture realizing this, with shacking realization that one of my nearest co-worker wonted to do this, I realized another thing.

                On that picture I had no hairs on chin and made funky hairs on head with some little islands of hairs with metal rings around, looking more like same gang member also with bad shaved sides of my face.

                Through my mind flashed, the point how and when I came to this facelift, I realized that it was once I was kidnapped and questioned by gang members and they made some hairs style to make some more fun from me. I was not aware about this it reveled to me just now in the moment, it was like trauma forgotten but still within me just realized.

                That time, when I came home, my wife was on my surprising not shocked of my look and my hairs, and as I was not aware how this happened to me so I lied her that I wanted to just try the new haircut. My daughter look on me and she liked it, my wife said that finally on my old legs, old age I did something with my hairs which looks good.

                I realized, she lied to me all the time about my look and how she perceived it, and I started frenetically laugh, in my laughing realizing, how much other points she lied to me or my daughter.

                In this frenetic laughing, I realized this shocked me the most, that my life was a LIE. That I lived life of another as a lie, as a hell. Everything I know and experienced was lie, laughing on me and on my blindness.

                I woke up. My body overheated, catching my breath, deeply breathing and I tremble little bit, seeing all of this, looking within me, on the points, from the dream above.

Thanks, Juraj

The origin of idea

I woke up today morning, but I stayed in the bed breathing, the dream started in my mind and I decided not to interact with anything, just to let it flow and see what happens. I was aware that it is a dream, I knew I can direct the flow of dream but wanted to let it flow.

                The girl has been sitting on my legs, I noticed that I am excited, interestingly not by her, not by any picture, we were both dressed. I was excited by the idea that she likes me, that she wants me, that she wants to touch me. This idea was so strong, that in the moment she unexpectedly touched my penis, the semen poured out, I felt nothing just only pouring the liquid out of my body and constrictions of the muscles which makes this possible. This in the dream.

               

                I realized, when I woke up, how my ideas shape reality around me, my perception is just only mine and have nothing to do with actual reality around me, if I allow any ideas, any believes, I am in the mind locked in self created reality. Then I walked backwards searching when I allowed this idea to influence me, when I created this and when I allowed it.

                I was walking in the office, looked on right side and there was sitting girl in front of computer, she looked on me and smiled, I smiled on her and continued walking towards my place. Here was the moment I allowed the idea of her, that she smiled on me because she probably liked me, this is fuck up.

The reason why she smiled could be anything, people used to smile because many variable reason, starting with fear, desires, manipulations, hiding, etc, so If I allow just only one point why others do something, I fucked up with me, because, literally, I never know why others do something, what is behind their smiles, their actions.

I have to be clear and stable each moment I am here, without any allowance of ideas nor creation of them within me, because otherwise, I will fuck up with me.

Thanks, Juraj

Dreaming the dream of life

Past do not exists, it is not real, yet I lived according it, according reactions of others stored as memories, and thus forming myself in believe that it will work to the future. But future is not created so it is not real, so just another projection in the mind as possible outcome.

Daily, I see how I was/I am stuck in the mind, my fears controlled me and I was not even aware of, pictures where I put value used to drive me, friction and morality, whole package of mind components I become.

As I stopped some of, now I could see that my life, mostly was just an hoax, yet with the moments I enjoyed myself, but this goes to the past of my childhood but more I grew up more I became fucked.

Living in believe that I live myself, what was not true, I lived mind.

Different issues in my body reminds me daily, to which extent I submitted to the role of mind slave, follower of illusion that I am not a sheep, and yes I will work on all issues to release myself from it.

Lot of moments I was here but not aware of, because I thought that somewhere in the mind is important and valuable which gave me some sort of perceived security in illusion that I am saved.

Last days, as I spoke with different people, shows me clearly that my fears was not real, just another illusions, and it is so cool to share with people perspectives they are not aware of, because why not say to all, why not share that hey, but you are not your mind, you are not your thoughts, wake up man.

I dreamt my dream of life in the mind, not noticing that I was missing my life.

Thanks, Juraj