Day 129 : Nature and positive perception

                The movement in nature, around trees, the ways in forest, the walking, smell of the forest, with the humidity of the air, this all I had tendency to perceive as positive and thus like to be in forest, walk there, move and spend time, or to try to find some mushrooms, and from this finding create within me positive perception, likeness, and also the desire to find another one or bigger one.

                Positivity while being in forest I perceived like calmness, enjoyment and relax, but still, it is just perception.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from nature through perception of positivity and likeness towards the trees, grass, mushrooms, leaves while being in forest and moving in forest.

 I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to perceive being in forest as positive and create within and as me positive energy charge while being in forest and thus separate myself from nature through positive perception of forest.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that the enjoyment, relax and calmness I experience while being in forest is real expression of myself, instead of see and realize that this is positive energy charge I created within and as me towards forest and nature I moved in, and thus separated myself from myself.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to believe that nature is positive.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to perceive myself being calm while being around forest and nature, instead of being here with and as breath in equality and oneness of myself with nature.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from trees, grass, leaves through information and knowledge of the mind that trees are just flowers as that which grow from earth and thus think and believe that trees are not aware of its own existence and presence while I defined being aware through act of thinking, perceiving the environment through pictures, as definitions of my environment through pictures, and just creating within me positive or negative perceptions of environment I am moving in separation of myself from myself, instead of stand here with and as breath as me.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 103 : Game of more and less – is this life?

                I realized, why I created likeness towards points within my life, and the dislikes, and this is the point of mind game as less than and more then.

                To this point is connected creation of desire to get that what I like, therefore to get what I perceived as more, and thus be satisfied once this is received because through getting that what I liked and perceived as more I became satisfied as through this created the sense of be more than who I really am.

                Thus trough desires and through the points I perceived as more than others, as comparison between people, actions, things, I wanted to be more, to create from myself more than who I really am, and thus I participated on moving myself and expressing myself according this points, where obvious mechanics and starting points is as always was inequality.

                Within this, I realized that I simply have to equalize myself with everything I do, speak and act, as within this I am able to see what I am really doing, why I am doing it, and therefore see if it serve me for something or not, and if not thus simply stop to participate on such movements, actions, expressions, as if I would thus I would be still directed of points of inequality within me.

                And the point is even not to stop to do some actions, but what is starting point for such actions, as if it is inequality thus it is always fuck up.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to live me as a system of inequality based on comparison between people, animals, words, actions, movements, behaviors and from this create the likeness or dislike and thus from likeness create the sense of something more, perceive that this something I like is more than that what I do not like, and therefore direct myself to the points I like and perceive myself as more than, instead of see and realize that within this I am participating on game of more than and less than and thus living and accepting inequality within and as me, instead of stop, breathe and see and realize what it is what I am doing, why I am doing it, and if this is best for all or just my self interest.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that within the world, existence is something which is more and something which is less than, and by this accept and allow within me to live the inequality as me, instead of stop, see and realize that inequality is concept of the mind, where mind compares, judge and desire, and thus stop to participate on action and needs of the mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to give power to my mind through accepting believe and idea of inequality, of points that something is more and that something is less and thus let my mind to direct me to the point I perceived as more than.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to shape myself and mold myself according perceptions of more than and less then and thus create the positive energy towards the points I perceived as more than and negative energy towards the points of perception of less than, instead of see and realize that everything and anything within and as existence is equal.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create the inequality within and as me through the pictures as relationships towards this pictures as likeness towards those one I perceived and judged as more than and dislike as inequality towards the pictures I judged and perceived as less than.

                I forgive to myself that I have not  accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize that inequality is foundation and core platform of the mind, where mind creates the relationships towards the points and by this relationships generate the energy to replenish and sustain itself and thus I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to define myself according relationships of the mind, instead of stand up and live as an example of equality , where everything I exist as and consist of is considered equally.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to forget that once I participate on the mind as system of inequality, that therefore I am accepting myself to be not equal with myself and by this accepting for whole existence the inequality, instead of stand up for myself and see and realize that I am equal to me, that I am here and that my body is perfect example of equality and oneness.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see that my body constantly and continuously is showing me what real equality and oneness is, what is real and what is here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to want to hide in front of myself to do not have to face the points I accepted and allowed to myself to participate on as system of inequality, because this means that I have to stand up and stop to participate on the games of the mind as games of more than and less than.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 57 : Fear of sexual expression

                When I became teenager and the sexual fantasies and projections became within me so unfulfilled, and when I started to date with first girl or start to have first sexual experiences, and then first sexual intercourse, I became a bit surprised, this is sex?

                My fantasies, and what sex could be, was a bit different then what was happening in reality, after first sex with a girl I became a bit surprised, as I expected something “mind blowing” but nothing like that happened, the energy experience was even worse than during masturbation.

                It was like, something is wrong here, maybe with me, maybe with the perception of sex and sexuality I imagined, as it was years and year of fantasies till I became “old” enough to have sex. And then, like disappointment took place. After some period it was better, but my fantasies was never fulfilled, as I had within me tons and tons of possibilities what I could do with a girl, but due to the various circumstances lot of fantasies I never did, as simply according rules, dogmas and perception within me, girl I was with and society thus was impossible to “make it real “. But to fulfill desires is anyway irrelevant, as it was always just only a desire, never real expression of me.

                From the time I first kissed a girl, this type of thoughts came up within me during all period of my sexual experiences with girls: Did I kiss her correctly? Did she like it? It was ok to kiss this way? Can I touch her? Can I touch her this way? Can I touch her ass? How she will react? Is she ok with me? Does she like me? Does she want to touch me? Can I put this dress down from her? Does she like my body? Does she perceive me like a male? Do I behave correctly as a male? Should I be gentler to her? Or should I be rougher to her? Should I just grab her? Can I push on her? Does she want to have sex with me? How can I make her to want to have sex with me? Can I observe her body in front of her? What she will think if I will observe her body? Can I say her what I like? Can I say her I like her body? …and many, many more.

                What is the point of all questions written above? Fear. Only one point why I asked those questions is simply fear. As sexuality was not understood at all within me, at sexuality within and as me was always based on imagination, projections, desires, fear, expectations and energy movement within me, thus I shaped myself accordingly and created myself as a reflections of such points, where physical sexual expression absolutely missed, always. I was never here, present as breathe as me, simply never. Everything I experienced with girls, was simply mind based, and therefore based on fear.

                I never expressed in front of any girl as who I am as sexual expression as me, as physical movement of myself, physical touch, simple never.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to express myself sexually, as sex of myself as sex of me as sex of my physical body as who I am as physical here, within and as breath, equal and one.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me projections, fantasies, expectations, desires, perception about sex and what sex could be, and what I should experience and how instead of being here within and as my breath and express myself as who I am as my physical body as sex as touch of the physical.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to touch myself in separation from myself, to fear to express myself as touch as a worry and fear what will girl in front of me think.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to separate myself from myself and from my body and thus fear to express myself as touch here, as who I am as physical body.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to base my expression as sex on the thoughts in and as my mind, to define myself with and towards the thoughts of fear within me as : “Did I kiss her correctly? Did she like it? It was ok to kiss this way? Can I touch her? Can I touch her this way? Can I touch her ass? How she will react? Is she ok with me? Does she like me? Does she want to touch me? Can I put this dress down from her? Does she like my body? Does she perceive me like a male? Do I behave correctly as a male? Should I be gentler to her? Or should I be rougher to her? Should I just grab her? Can I push on her? Does she want to have sex with me? How can I make her to want to have sex with me? Can I observe her body in front of her? What she will think if I will observe her body? Can I say her what I like? Can I say her I like her body?” where I allowed to be directed by fear and not seeing and realizing that through this I am living the mind and not myself as presence of me, as presence within and as moment which is here as breath, equal and one with my body.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to base my movements with my hands, my legs, my body and the words I say in front of girl on fear, on fear in separation myself form myself, where I feared myself and not seeing and realizing that I expressed myself within and as fear of the mind and thus nothing of such expression was real expression of me, but just following the program of fear as energy as energy enslavement of myself into and as fear.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to dance with a girl in moment as a fear and worry what she will think about me, how she will react and what she will say and from this hide myself in fear in front of girl and hide myself into and as my mind, instead of being here within and as breath equal and one with my body and do not allow and accept to myself to be directed by the mind as fear of expressing myself.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to enslave myself within and as fear of the mind as projections, worries, thoughts, desires in separation myself form myself and thus hide myself in front of myself, hide and tremble in fear to express myself equal and one with me body, here in presence of me in and as my breath, as who I am.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to explore my body, to fear to experience my body as physical, to fear to be equal and one within and as breath with my body here, as a fear and worry to be ashamed, laughed when I express myself equal and one as who I am.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to hide myself in front of myself as a fear of being ashamed and laughed when I express myself as sex, as sex as physical movements of myself, equal and one with my breath.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to explore who I am as sex as sexual expression of me as my physical body.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to separate myself and my expression of sex as physical touch, movement of my body into and as a mind energy entity, where through projections, ideas, believes I allowed imagine what sex should be instead of expression myself as sex as sexual expression of me.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to hide and separate myself from my body through ideas, and believes about sex , projections and desires what sex should be, imagination of how I should experience sex or what this experiences should be, instead of expression myself equal and one with my physical body as sex, instead of expressing myself equal and one as movement and touch of my body here, equal with and as breath as who I am here.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 20 : I like

 

                Why I like something? Or, why I should even like something? Should I like something? What the likeness of something/someone says about me? What is the point to like?

                Is the likeness always based on energy gathering from the point of likeness?

 The likeness as expression of me here, as I can like myself as expression of me, as enjoyment of myself.

                For some points I could count lot of criteria why I like something, what it is I like on that/this etc.

                The likeness for me or what I like is reflection of me, who I am thus I like, who I would like not be thus I do not like, just polarity, the nice play out. I notice, when I do not like something, and I forgive to myself this not likeness of that point, often it is no more not likeness, or vice versa, if I like something, and I forgive this energy connection, I do not like it anymore the way I did before.

                I like that differently, as there is no more energy charge connected.

                I like questions. J Question brings me opportunity to find answers, which for me, is like amazing journey into me.

I commit myself to investigate each point of likeness/not likeness based on energy charge towards point of likeness/not likeness and release myself from it.

Thanks, Juraj