When I became teenager and the
sexual fantasies and projections became within me so unfulfilled, and when I started
to date with first girl or start to have first sexual experiences, and then
first sexual intercourse, I became a bit surprised, this is sex?
My fantasies, and what sex could
be, was a bit different then what was happening in reality, after first sex
with a girl I became a bit surprised, as I expected something “mind blowing”
but nothing like that happened, the energy experience was even worse than
during masturbation.
It was like, something is wrong
here, maybe with me, maybe with the perception of sex and sexuality I imagined,
as it was years and year of fantasies till I became “old” enough to have sex.
And then, like disappointment took place. After some period it was better, but
my fantasies was never fulfilled, as I had within me tons and tons of possibilities
what I could do with a girl, but due to the various circumstances lot of
fantasies I never did, as simply according rules, dogmas and perception within me,
girl I was with and society thus was impossible to “make it real “. But to
fulfill desires is anyway irrelevant, as it was always just only a desire,
never real expression of me.
From the time I first kissed a
girl, this type of thoughts came up within me during all period of my sexual
experiences with girls: Did I kiss her correctly? Did she like it? It was ok to
kiss this way? Can I touch her? Can I touch her this way? Can I touch her ass?
How she will react? Is she ok with me? Does she like me? Does she want to touch
me? Can I put this dress down from her? Does she like my body? Does she
perceive me like a male? Do I behave correctly as a male? Should I be gentler
to her? Or should I be rougher to her? Should I just grab her? Can I push on
her? Does she want to have sex with me? How can I make her to want to have sex
with me? Can I observe her body in front of her? What she will think if I will observe
her body? Can I say her what I like? Can I say her I like her body? …and many,
many more.
What is the point of all
questions written above? Fear. Only one point why I asked those questions is
simply fear. As sexuality was not understood at all within me, at sexuality within
and as me was always based on imagination, projections, desires, fear, expectations
and energy movement within me, thus I shaped myself accordingly and created
myself as a reflections of such points, where physical sexual expression
absolutely missed, always. I was never here, present as breathe as me, simply
never. Everything I experienced with girls, was simply mind based, and therefore
based on fear.
I never expressed in front of
any girl as who I am as sexual expression as me, as physical movement of
myself, physical touch, simple never.
I forgive to
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to express myself sexually,
as sex of myself as sex of me as sex of my physical body as who I am as
physical here, within and as breath, equal and one.
I forgive to
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me
projections, fantasies, expectations, desires, perception about sex and what
sex could be, and what I should experience and how instead of being here within
and as my breath and express myself as who I am as my physical body as sex as
touch of the physical.
I forgive to
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to touch myself in
separation from myself, to fear to express myself as touch as a worry and fear
what will girl in front of me think.
I forgive to
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to separate myself from
myself and from my body and thus fear to express myself as touch here, as who I
am as physical body.
I forgive to
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to base my expression as sex
on the thoughts in and as my mind, to define myself with and towards the
thoughts of fear within me as : “Did I kiss her correctly? Did she like it? It
was ok to kiss this way? Can I touch her? Can I touch her this way? Can I touch
her ass? How she will react? Is she ok with me? Does she like me? Does she want
to touch me? Can I put this dress down from her? Does she like my body? Does
she perceive me like a male? Do I behave correctly as a male? Should I be gentler
to her? Or should I be rougher to her? Should I just grab her? Can I push on
her? Does she want to have sex with me? How can I make her to want to have sex
with me? Can I observe her body in front of her? What she will think if I will observe
her body? Can I say her what I like? Can I say her I like her body?” where I allowed
to be directed by fear and not seeing and realizing that through this I am living
the mind and not myself as presence of me, as presence within and as moment
which is here as breath, equal and one with my body.
I forgive to
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to base my movements with my
hands, my legs, my body and the words I say in front of girl on fear, on fear
in separation myself form myself, where I feared myself and not seeing and
realizing that I expressed myself within and as fear of the mind and thus
nothing of such expression was real expression of me, but just following the program
of fear as energy as energy enslavement of myself into and as fear.
I forgive to
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to dance with a girl
in moment as a fear and worry what she will think about me, how she will react
and what she will say and from this hide myself in fear in front of girl and
hide myself into and as my mind, instead of being here within and as breath
equal and one with my body and do not allow and accept to myself to be directed
by the mind as fear of expressing myself.
I forgive to
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to enslave myself within and
as fear of the mind as projections, worries, thoughts, desires in separation
myself form myself and thus hide myself in front of myself, hide and tremble in
fear to express myself equal and one with me body, here in presence of me in
and as my breath, as who I am.
I forgive to
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to explore my body,
to fear to experience my body as physical, to fear to be equal and one within and
as breath with my body here, as a fear and worry to be ashamed, laughed when I express
myself equal and one as who I am.
I forgive to
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to hide myself in front of
myself as a fear of being ashamed and laughed when I express myself as sex, as
sex as physical movements of myself, equal and one with my breath.
I forgive to
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to explore who I am
as sex as sexual expression of me as my physical body.
I forgive to
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to separate myself and my
expression of sex as physical touch, movement of my body into and as a mind
energy entity, where through projections, ideas, believes I allowed imagine
what sex should be instead of expression myself as sex as sexual expression of
me.
I forgive to
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to hide and separate myself
from my body through ideas, and believes about sex , projections and desires
what sex should be, imagination of how I should experience sex or what this
experiences should be, instead of expression myself equal and one with my
physical body as sex, instead of expressing myself equal and one as movement
and touch of my body here, equal with and as breath as who I am here.
Thanks, Juraj
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