Friday, September 28, 2012

Day 78 : Relationships – Sex and love as EGO

                Interestingly, these two points, the sex as sexual energy, and love as positive energetic feeling, used to stand together or separated within me, according situations I was facing, mainly the “type” of the girl I dated with.

                More interesting within this two points is, that those points stand as cover of fear, anxiety, anger, as self definitions as EGO, as energy movement I defined into and as, and thus my addiction on living in and as energy entity within my body.

                I used to believe, that sex goes hand in hand with love, and that sex should be performed when I feel love towards other being. Thus, it means , that within this believe I believed – That first I have to fucked myself with feeling of love, which means to fall and blind myself, and then I can have sex with a girl, which means to fuck myself even more, into and as believe of energy experience of orgasm, in absolute blindness of myself, that as first the love point stand for the fear I accepted within me because I separated from the girl I dated with and thus created the perception and ideas about losing her thus fear of lose.

                Within this, as I was already fucked with design of love and fear as energies within me, as my EGO as my definition as who I am as mind as system, thus I had sex with a girl, in perception and believe how amazing this sex is, energy within me, how cool it is to be excited, and desire those girl, again in total lost-ness of myself within ideas, believes, perceptions, and not seeing how much I am harming myself with such acceptances, and what I am creating as consequences for myself and for other being.

                Therefore, what was my ideas and believes about relationship with a girl, was fuck ups over fuck ups over fuck ups, interestingly, in believe how cool it is, how I decided this all, and not seeing that I was just fucking slave of the mind, fucking addict of energy totally enslaved within and as me, desiring even from my mind to fuck me more.

                It is not worthy. It is not worthy to accept such abuse of me, It was not and it is not and never will be. Abuse will still be abuse, and I do not accept it. Simply no.

                I am here, and I am more than just mind, I am more than just illusions of myself, and I am not saying this as superiority design within and as mind, no. I am saying that me, as life, as being, as human, that I am worthy more than to just abdicate myself into and as mind and follow the script and program I accepted for myself to live accordingly in my past.

                I am not the Ego as energies moving rampantly within me, as I am able to stop those energies, release myself from those energies and believes, thus I am not that. I can’t be, as I am still here.

                Nothing happened to me, I do not diminished, I do not depleted, I do not ceased to exist, but many my ideas and believes did, so what is real?

                Just this body, just this flesh, just physical. Only that is real. Everything and anything within and as head, is illusion. Stop .

                Stop to live illusion, stop to deceive, stop to hide, stop to desire, stop to punish, and stop to live as a slave of the mind. It is not worthy.

                Everyone is more than that, each one of us, is more and worthy more, than just to live as a fucking slave of thoughts.

                Life should be free, and not enslaved into and as illusions.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that love and sex should goes together within relationship, and that I have to love the girl as energy feeling within me towards a girl as my self delusion of this energy, and that than I can have sex with her again in believe that this energy as sexual build up within me is real experience of me as sex, not seeing and realizing that it was never real sex, but just abdication of myself into and as mind as system as program of energy movements within me to sustain the mind and replenish and rejuvenate the mind, because of this believe in such energies which became even stronger and stronger and thus the abdicating myself into mind more and more acceptable.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to constantly and continuously search for validation of my energy experiences in others in believes that because others also experience something as energy and they believe in it, thus it have to be real experience of me as well.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to perceive that if I am in relationship, or that if I experience the energy feeling of love towards other being, or that if I have sex with female, that I won, that I am the winner, instead of see and realize that the relationship is deception of myself as accepted separation, that sex as energy experience is just boosting my mind, that love as energy experience is my fall and abdication of myself into and as mind, that I do not won anything by this, but mind won, instead of see and realize I accepted and allowed to myself to participate on win/lose polarity as EGO, on energy experiences as believes that those experiences are real, and I stop. I see and realize for myself the play-out of the energy fluctuations within my mind, between points as love, sex, win/lose as EGO, I take self responsibility for myself and I do not accept and allow to myself to be directed by such experiences, and I commit to myself to remain here with and as the physical,as my breath, any moment I will see that my mind attempts to manipulate myself to fall into such believes , ideas, experiences, thus I stop.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to never question each and any single energy movement within me and investigate immediately what it is, what is taking over me and trying to direct me, instead of seeing and realizing that I was not aware of possibilities of stopping of the mind, and becoming the free as life as physical.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that only love as energy is worthy to live for, not seeing and realizing for myself that this love is simply fear because energy as love is possible only if I am separated from myself and from others, and thus through this giving the permission to my mind to trap me and enslave me because of energy feeling as love and fear at once and do not see and realize how much I am abusing myself and others just because of this energies, acceptances and believes within me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to define myself as ego as energy movements within me and create the likeness or dislikes towards this energies in separation of myself and thus judge those energies, and be separated from energies within me, instead of see and realize that separation is illusion of the mind, that separation is abdicating self responsibility for self as for all in oneness and equality of self.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that separation is real, instead of see and realize that this is perception of the mind as how mind is designed as a system running on and as physical and destroying physical as a parasite in getting the energy, and thus I became the parasite of the physical, because of believe and ideas of existence of the mind, not see and realize that anything of the mind is simply my self delusion.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to trap myself into and as mind, where I created the ideas and believes through about myself, as who I could possibly be, or what I am possibly, not seeing and realize that I am already here as I always was, as physical, as breath as life.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to forgot who I am in equality and oneness of life as all what exist as what is here.
Thanks, Juraj

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