Friday, September 7, 2012

Day 62 : Desire for sex – What is sex?

                Is sex to touch someone? Is sex to kiss someone? Is sex to look into eyes of someone, or hold, or brush the bodies, or enjoy the very “intimate” moments of being with someone naked in bed or whatever place any experience penetration or any other types of touches which both can together? Is this sex? Is sex to experience the release from ones body of energy and perception that this release is orgasm? What is behind this excitement, or energy experience? Anxiety, fear?

                Is the sex what is based on picture within the mind? It is just projections, ideas, believes, what sex should be, how I should act in getting the sex? Should I even have to want to have sex? What it is this desire to wanting to have sex?

                Is this sex? It is all sex is about? It is just use another being for own pleasure? Isn’t that therefore rape? Isn’t that therefore just point of fulfilling ones ego? As creation of energy as positive to hide that which are suppressed as negative? Isn’t that just self-interest, where the other being is just used as a tool? As a puppet for fulfilling ones needs and desire to experience sex?

                I desired sex, many times, I desired to experience this touches, this energy within me, this built up of energy, this excitement, which I always perceived as positive and thus I created likeness towards it, towards energy within me, but the question is, where is therefore me?

                Where is me in all of this, if I submit myself just for a sake of energy experience and desire to fulfill this experience? Who I am in all of this, if I allow and accept to act, to speak, to behave just for the sake of getting that which I call, perceive as pleasure of energy creation within me and thus wanting to experience it?

                Is it all I am, just zombie searching for sex, for the energy for me to sustain my so called living and experiencing myself?

                Am I just this, living for desire? Where is me, expressing me here, where is my expression, where is my living me? Have I to be directed by just desire? From where than this desire comes, from where this originate?

                Does this desire have an origin? Where and how come that I allowed and accepted it? I separated from myself, I created the points of friction within me, I wanted this friction to occur to be able to experience the energy, I created the specific points within me where and how this friction can occur just for sake of being able to experience this energy, I call sex.

                It is all illusion I created within me, it is my delusion I allowed, I lied to me and I deceived myself, nothing of that is real, as just only this point of getting the energy was the starting point, for this desire, I became addict on that, but as I see, I lived a lie.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to desire to experience sex as a energy build up within and as me, as energy created as friction I allowed and accepted within me, as a friction between two points I split myself into, where one point is my own perception and of sex and what sex could be and thus allowing and accepting for myself to separate myself from myself through this idea and believe what sex could be or what sex is as energy build up and energy experience within me and the second point the external being I separated myself from through projections, ideas, believes about sex and what sex is, and therefore allowed and accepted to myself to be directed by this desire to experience me in separation from me, not seeing and not realizing that this desire is desire to be with myself and experience myself because I split myself.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to desire to experience energy build up within me and define myself towards this energy experience and wanting and needing this energy experience and allow to be directed by this energy experience I created within me as a relationships between separated points as pictures I see and projections and ideas what I can do with this pictures and how and what I can experience with this pictures I separated myself from.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to desire to experience sex as energy movements and build up within me, in perception that this is sex, instead of realizing that all of this is just of the mind, and I am not the mind.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to desire to express myself based on experience of energy, instead of seeing and realizing that this is not my self expression but my submission into and as energy of the mind and following the mind and allowing to rejuvenate and regenerate the mind and my living on and as the mind as energy.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that sex is about experiencing the touch, experiencing the kiss, penetration, variable touches on and as my body as energy with body of another in separation from myself, instead of seeing and realizing that this is not sex and not sexual expression of myself but just creating and building up the energy as friction within and as me.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to define myself towards energy experiences and allowances as touch, kiss, brushing of two bodies, penetrating and experiencing energy within and as me in separation from physical body of another and thus wanting and desiring for myself to get this energy build up and create this energy build up for myself to be able to release this energy and experience the pleasure in releasing of energy, instead of seeing and realizing that I am harming myself with such acting, that I am harming my physical body, where first I create the energy within and then I want to release this energy as this energy harm myself and hurt myself, not seeing and not realizing that I have power to stop it, that it is not necessary for myself to experience this over and over again and that I am able to express myself without any energy creation within and as me, that I am able to live me without energy and that I am able to move me without energy creation through my mind.

Thanks, Juraj

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