Day 64 : I am not good enough

                This judgment and perception of me opened up. The seeing me as a not good enough, as not good enough as a partner, as not good enough as a child, as a son, as a friend, as a living being, as not enough in that what I live in perception, how others could perceive me, girls, mother, etc.

                I even do not know what does mean to be good enough, or what I should be to be good enough. Should I even be something to be good enough? Should I match some criteria for others to be good enough? My mother was never satisfied with me, my brothers the same, I never heard anything from my mother in meaning of her satisfaction with myself, as I see it was impossible to hear those words from her. And in front of girls, it was always the similar points as I am good enough as a male for them? Does they perceive my as enough?

                This judgment of me comes from comparison of myself with other males, as this comparison is about how my body as male body looks, how much money I have or them, which girls they date and me, simply all scenarios I saw during my life time, thus this judgment ingrained within and as me, as being not good enough, but by paradox, this judgment of myself is pure bullshit, as what does that mean to be good enough?

                To be good enough do not exist, as I can be just self honest with me and that’s it.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to judge, perceive myself as not being good enough in front of my mother, in front of my brothers and sister, in front of girls where I compared myself with another males, according shape of my body and their bodies, according money I have and they have, according girls they date and I, and from this create within me the superiority and inferiority polarity, where I perceived and judged myself as not being good enough and thus perceive myself as inferior and others and superior.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to live in polarity of the mind as good and bad, and judge myself and perceive myself as not being good enough, not seeing and realizing that this judgment of not being good enough comes from lack of self trust, where I put my trust into and as my mind to tells me who I am and how I should perceive myself and thus trusting the mind and not myself.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to judge myself and perceive myself as not being good enough as judging myself according the muscles I have and defined myself according the shapes of my body and from this creating within and as me inferiority and perception of not being good enough for girls and I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to judge myself that I am not good enough for my mother, brothers and sister as I do not followed my life according what they expected from myself.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to judge and perceive myself as not being good enough and exist within and as polarity of the mind as good and bad, where I judged myself as bad and that I do not deserve for myself anything just being rejected, laughed and punished.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to torture myself with the judgment of myself as not being good enough, not seeing and realizing that nothing like be good enough or not be good enough do not exist and that this is just judgment of myself coming from comparison and competition I allowed and accepted for myself to live in separation from myself.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think that I have to follow some expectations from others in regards of how I live, what I live and who and what I am to be good enough for them, not seeing and realizing that living me is not about following anything of this word but just be self honest with myself, equal and one with my body, do not judge myself and do not compare myself to anybody and anything and live me here, as breath and honor the life as me.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to compare myself towards others in separation from myself and thus create within me the judgment of not being good enough, that I do not deserve to be respected, to be seen, and recognized, instead of realizing that it was me who do not respected, seen and recognized myself, thus I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to forget about myself and not see myself and not respect myself in equality of me here.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not see myself as equal to others, to do not recognized myself as equal and one with others, to do not respect myself as equal and one with others.

I commit to myself to stop the judgments of myself, to investigate each judgment I lived and accepted, to forgive myself and stop living the mind.

Thanks, Juraj