Years ago, I started to chat
with a girl, about common stuff people live, but as she had a boyfriend I considered
her just as a friend, but overtime of our writings, I created within me the
likeness towards her, as she as a girl was perfect match of my likeness of girl
from perspective of picture, body, face.
The stuff we wrote to each
other, was extensive, about 3000 e-mails, I became completely lost within my
mind, the projections, ideas, believes I created within me, with her, life with
her, was so extensive that I became just a living zombie and like completely detached
from reality, just existing in my mind, in this perception of love towards her
and in believes that her words was true.
I was not aware that time that I
lied to her with each word I said or wrote her, and also not aware that she did
the same to me. The love we promises to each other, and desire to fulfill this
love, never took place, as it was impossible, as she had boyfriend and everything
she wrote about braking that relationship and be with me was simply a lie, but I
didn’t wanted to see it, as the lies was that what I wanted to hear.
After some period, the
everything positive within me towards her turned into frustration, sorrow, disappointment,
as the reality do not matched the words we changed with each other, and I wanted
and desired that words and projection and ideas to be real, to became reality,
but simply, lies can not turned into something which Is real, as lies will
remain just lies.
When I came to breaking point with
her and stop that bullshit I allowed to live and speak, I realized that time
that everything I said to her was just a lie. My self delusion towards her, simply,
I lived completely and entirely lost in love construct towards her and as this
was my direction thus obviously the energy experiences within me was so
extensive, that when I kissed her just once I was like drunken, and that time I
was surprised, how come that I experience this, and questions start to emerge
but as I was lost in mind I ignored them.
The breaking point of stopping
that relationship was because of me not able to continue such way, in such friction
within me between experience of energy as love, ideas, believes, desires, sex,
and the frustration, disappointment and sorrow when I saw that the world within
my mind and without simply do not match in anyway what so ever. Just in few
moments when yes, but it was just fragments.
When this breaking point came, I
experienced within me extensive sorrow, extensive disappointment, from her and
from me, that I allowed to me to deceive me such way, to believe and to present
such extensive amount of lies, and the face that I lost my illusion of the life
with her, and the sorrow of losing my illusion was quite huge.
It is interesting, that I experienced
sorrow because of lost lies and lost illusions, as that was what I believed,
thus it was like losing me, as I became the living lie of me, thus losing the
lies of me and seeing what I accepted and allowed towards me was not nice
picture, and within this, I was simply pushed to stop the illusion within my
mind about me and her, and thus became again living in and as reality as what
is here, as where is my body and where I really am.
It took long period of time to
recover from that illusion, as the intensity of believing of such illusions was
really huge.
I lived a lie towards girls, and
what I wanted to hear was a lies, and what I became was living lie. And thus
the lies of me and my self delusions was my direction.
I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to want
and desire to hear lies spoken by girls and focus only on those words which
validate this desire and need and want to hear lies and ignore actually reality
as physical and what is really going on here.
I forgive to myself that I have
accepted and allowed to myself to desire to hear the words as “ I love you” and
“ I like you “ or “ I want to be with you” as I created and connected the idea
and believe within me that those words are reflecting love of other being
towards me, instead of see and realize that it was my self deception and abuse
of other to manipulate them to speak those words.
I forgive to myself that I have
accepted and allowed to myself to speak words as I love you, I like you, I want
to be with you as manipulation and deception in front of me and in front of
other to manipulated them to speak exactly those word to me back as I created
and connected within me the idea and believe that if those words I speak and
hear thus it have to be validation of my love towards other being and
validation of love towards me, not seeing and realizing that it was just my
self deception based on energy feelings accepted and created within me, not
seeing and realizing that it had nothing to do with real love which is equality,
where all parts of self are considered equally, as physical, as life as breath here.
I forgive to myself that I have
accepted and allowed to myself to want to be manipulated with the words of
likeness towards me as I accepted and allowed to manipulate others with words
as I like you, I want to be with you, you are such a nice person, I feel fine
in presence of you, instead of seeing and realizing that all of this was my
self deception created, accepted and allowed based on ideas, believes and
projection what love should be, what love can be, and what likeness can be,
instead of seeing and realizing that it was deception of me, the manipulation
of myself in separation from myself, and that it was me deceiving me into
accepting and living the illusion of the mind as idea and projection what love
can possibly be as I perceived the love as energetic feeling within me as
likeness created towards other human being as a girl and thus judge the feeling
of love as positive and exist within and as mind judgment of word love as
positive, in judgment of energetic feeling of love as positive, in perception
of this feeling as positive and thus desire, want and require to experience such
energetic feeling, as this allowed me to cover all my fears, anxieties, sorrows
I accepted and allowed towards me as self as life, cover all deception of me,
to cover all abuse I accepted and allowed towards me, and not seeing and realizing
for myself that I abused life as me, that I raped life as me, that I dishonored
life as me, that I used my body as a tool for getting the energy I wanted for
myself, that I diminished the physical as what is real here to such extent,
that I put value into a illusion of the mind and created the idea and believe
that those illusions and energy experiences are real and think and believe that
are real and thus that I want them and need them and want to follow them,
instead of seeing and realizing that I accepted and allowed to myself to abuse
physical as my body because I separated from physical as my body, that I dishonored
my body just for the sake of getting the energy I wanted for myself as energy
addict as zombie living in fear of myself in separation from myself, not seeing
and realizing for myself that I raped the physical each possible way just for
getting the energy for myself and that I destroyed the physical each way possible
just for the sake of wanting and desiring to make the illusion of the mind as
thoughts, and energy experiences real, as I thought and believed that it is
real and therefore I accepted and allowed to think and believe myself that I can
do this with the physical, that it is my right to abuse physical such way, that
it is me having power over the physical as my body, not seeing and realizing
that in fact, I was abusing me, raping me, killing me, destroying me, fighting with
me, trying to overpower me as physical with just illusions of the mind as
thoughts, ideas and believes in perception that it is my choice, my will, that
it is me who decide, not seeing and realizing that it was the mind, as programmed
system within and as me, infused and integrated with my flesh, my physical
body, where I accepted and allowed to be directed with illusion of the mind,
and everything done just for this energy illusions and experiences within me I believed
are real experiences of me.
I forgive to myself that I have
accepted and allowed to myself to rape myself, to abuse myself, to destroy,
kill and use myself as my body as a tool as a puppet in believes that I can do
so, that it is my right to do so, and that I can do so, and took for granted my
body and thus take for granted everything which physical exist as and consist
of, in thinking and believing that it is my right to do so, that because I am
in my body in the mind that I can accepted and allow to abuse and rape the
physical, not seeing and realizing the consequences of my acceptances, not
seeing and realizing that I tried to made from illusion more than actual flesh,
as my body, as physical as I separated myself from my body and thus turned into
a illusions and deception of me, about me, as who I can possible be, instead of
seeing and realizing that I am here as my body, that I am here as my breath,
that I am here as everything which my body exist as and consist of in equality
and oneness as who I really am as life.
Thanks,
Juraj
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