Day 90 : Fucking sheep’s

                Today, as I was walking around the church, I saw people going out from church, and thought emerged as judgment towards those people – Fucking sheep’s just blinked through my mind.

                It was the church I was forced to go there as a young boy, and I see how much effort took for myself to stop judge myself to stop participate on religion events, to stop pray, to stop fear the idea of god, to stop follow the rules and dogmas of religious brainwashing, because when I was young I was forced to follow many years and repeat the praying and submit to the fears of religion, and control of religion.

                Within this thought, I realized, it is “sad” to see people going into church, it is sad to see people being controlled and manipulated by the fear,  as I see that no one of them would go into a church, it they would be able to see and comprehend, what it really is, what they are doing, why they are doing, and thus churches would remain empty and we would be able to destroy this building of enslavement, control and fear, or use it for some practical purposes.

                The point for myself, as this thought emerged, I judged those people as a representation of one’s under control of fear, thus I judged the fear, thus I judged control, enslavement and manipulation, because of the road I had to walk out of this religion shit and for what? I was enslaved by my parents to this, just only because the believed and thus I had to submit, and I could live without that. I could live without being brainwashed, controlled, and manipulated into living in and as fear, but it was impossible. Yes, I accepted that but within the same moments I couldn’t stood up to my parents as this was impossible. Thus anything what has been done or walked, here is not reason to judge.

                I see and realize why people follow religion, why and how they are under control of fear, thus I stop judge the fear by itself, I stop to judge manipulation and control, as it is useless, rather focus for myself how I can free myself, as within this judgment, it is me who is under control of my mind.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to judge control of the mind as something bad and thus exist within and as mind judgment of word control, in separation from word control and thus desire to break through the control of the mind, not seeing and realizing that by this I am following the program of control for myself.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to judge the fear as bad as something which is enslaving, manipulating and controlling, instead of see and realize what fear really is, as just energy created within and as human being, where they believe this fear is real, and I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to judge the energy as something bad, instead of stand equal and one with energy for myself, to see and realize where I allowed for myself to be under control of this energy and thus release myself from this enslavement.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to judge manipulation as something bad and thus exist within and as mind judgment of word manipulation, in separation from word manipulation where I put negative energetic charge to word manipulation.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not like to be under control of someone or something, instead of see and realize that from my childhood till now I was always under control of my own mind.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not like the manipulation, instead of see and realize that whole my live I was manipulated and thus also I manipulated others.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not want to stand equal and one with fear, control and manipulation because by this I would be able to see what I fear, where I manipulate myself and why I am under control of my own mind.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to act, live, behave according the fears, manipulation and control of my own mind I was learned, thought and thus live according of the alignment of my memories.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be under control of my own memories, or my own past experiences and by this follow my own program of enslavement and control.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear my own enslavement, to fear to see each point of my enslavement directly here, my self control and my self manipulation directly, because of this I would see my own program and my own enslavement and thus I realize what I allowed to myself to live and why.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to judge myself because of accepted and allowed to myself to live under control, manipulation and enslavement of my mind.

Thanks, Juraj

Me and water – Calm and Wild

                 I went through strong water turbulence with my kayak called “ bath “ and after I get off from “ bath “ the protection around my hips which is placed to prevent water pouring inside the kayak was withheld and I saw that in my boat lot of water get in.

                I felt that kayak became hardly controllable as with such big amount of water in it became slightly sinking down.

                I realized that I will be not able to get through next water curves and “baths “ as the last part of the water canal was really wild so I wanted to get with kayak near waterside to get off successfully.

                But the water jet was stronger than my ability to control boat and I realized that I will not be able to even get to water side and that I have to go through last part of water canal and through all baths there and curves.

                So I was just able to made last maneuver to straighten the boat with the water jet but it was hard, almost sinking and as the protection was down I realized that I will not be able to go through as next bath will drown me down completely.

                Simply, at the moment I knew I will go under water with kayak as the water stream was to strong, at the moment I knew I will not do it, impossible in such circumstances.

                As I was in the middle of the bath the kayak became completely full of water and uncontrollable and the water starts to play its own game. I was just able to throw away paddle and prepare myself to get off from boat while I will be under the water.

                Kayak and I turned to right and I am in the water, not breathing, just cold and darkness around me. I just feel strong turbulences of water, I catch the sides of kayak with my hands and I want to pull out myself, but something is wrong. My legs stuck in.

                Also the position of the boat was not “usual “as the beginning of kayak remained stuck under some rock and the end was up, the fact that boat was full of water complicated all of this.

                I tried to fight the situation and involve as much power as possible, nothing happened, but I didn’t panic, I was prepared for such situations, not exactly this one but I practiced different ones before.

                Fast moments passing and I realized that I let my legs on sides of kayak so I couldn’t pull myself out so I straighten the legs and finally get off, how easy it was.

                I had to get at the water side which was problematic in such water jet but I did it, slowly moving myself on the ground with hands, legs, completely exhausted, tired, just breathing and sitting there.

                Nothing existed in the moment.

                I had to go two times more through that canal that day, but something happened within me, inside me. I started to feel strong anxiety within me, I knew that this experiences changes a lot.

                I lost the courage to go again, so I used all excuses possible to my couch to do not force me to go again. He didn’t.

                Next day I practiced on that canal, the maneuvers in the water and waves, I noticed something, the way how I approached it changed.

                I lost courage, I lost trust in me. The respect I started to put in the waves in front of me, and experience from previous day, where I created anxiety within me, was end of the sport I loved the most.

                Kayak on wild water, and me, I loved that, and at the same time I started to feat it. No one I told to, why should I, it was just me and water.

Thanks, Juraj