Day 73 : Expectation and disappointment

                Recently, I faced interesting situation, as I expected that I will go out with my friend, but this “plan” has been changed, and I experienced myself to be disappointed by this change, and thus I experienced the sorrow that the plan will not held.

                Within this, I realized, that the disappointment and the sorrow I experienced was because of looking forward of myself to such event and also the likeness created within me towards my friend and thus wanting to experience such scenario together.

                Thus within those moment, I was in mind projecting how it could be when we will together “live” that event, I was not here with and as my breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to project within my mind how it could be to experience and “live” agreed event together with my friend.

                I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to look forward on specific event to take place where me and my friend should go together, but because this has been changed thus experience disappointment and sorrow, as I already created within me the likeness to such event and my friend and thus when this has been broken thus I went into sorrow and disappointment as I do not wanted to accept that change, instead of accept that change and break of agreed scenario and be here with and as my breath and thus see and realize that this is showing me that I do not want to accept that change of myself and change of me in situations, my behaviors, my actions where I created likeness within and as me and thus refusing to change what I like on me as energy experience and when I am confronted with situation that I have to change myself thus I go into a sorrow and disappointment of myself, instead of seeing and realizing that everything of the mind as energy I have to let go as it is not me, it is of the mind and I am not the mind, I am here as physical, as breath.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 54 : Fear of disappointment – Fear of betrayal

                As a young boy my father was my god and I was looking upon my god, as a pattern as a representative of male which I would like to follow, which I would like to be like him, as many times I liked him. I thought that how he behave is right, and that me as a male should behave the same way.

                I placed my trust to his words, I placed my trust to his behavior, I placed my trust to him, into him, I trusted him the way as child can trust to parents that parents love their child, want to help to child and want the best for a child, protect, and help.

                Once day, when my eyes turned wrong and I needed eyeglasses, I was with my mother to search for some eyeglasses, as I really needed them as I was not able to function without this device, and when we came home, we said to father that we found some and how much it costs.

                At my surprise, my father said, that he will not pay such money for eyeglasses, and by paradox it was maybe most cheapest one they had.

                I felt betrayed, I felt very disappointed, I was shocked by this answer, the trust he had this trust evaporated within me and just shock, sorrow, and fear remained within me at the moment.

                I could not understand how come he said something like this, just sorrow within me resonate and the trust as a trust died within me.

                I see, that because of various moments I experienced as a child, the trust I was able to place to others slowly but surely simply died. No trust remained within me in others, no trust in myself and for myself. Thus I became absolutely not trustworthy persona, as I became to fear of being disappointment – Fear of being betrayed by others.

                Thus I betrayed myself and thus I betrayed others. I do not trust others anymore, and thus I start to hide, as I started to live the fear of being betrayed. Thus I never wanted to trust anyone, I even was not able to trust myself. How could I, if I was not able recognize the trust in me, trust in myself, and trust others.

                As a trust in me died, and trusts in others, the trust in myself has been reborn.

                Here.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that I can be betrayed or disappointed.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear of being betrayed and fear of being disappointed.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to feel sorrow, pain and regret as a energy experience and think and believe that this energy experience is real experience of myself, instead of realizing that this experience is of the mind and I am not the mind.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to betray myself and to disappoint myself.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that because I betrayed myself thus I am unworthy to live and unworthy to live myself and my life, and that I have to remain live in pain, regret and sorrow till the end of days.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to live myself as a fear of being betrayed and thus diminish my living just for waiting on my death as a point be being saved from my own accepted and allowed living in fear, pain and sorrow.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that betrayal and disappointment exist, as a point of me separated from myself and thus through separation allowed and accepted lies and betrayal.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to speak as a fear of being betrayed and disappointed and thus rather remain silent.

I commit myself to trust myself.

Thanks, Juraj