As a young boy my father was my
god and I was looking upon my god, as a pattern as a representative of male
which I would like to follow, which I would like to be like him, as many times I
liked him. I thought that how he behave is right, and that me as a male should
behave the same way.
I placed my trust to his words, I
placed my trust to his behavior, I placed my trust to him, into him, I trusted
him the way as child can trust to parents that parents love their child, want
to help to child and want the best for a child, protect, and help.
Once day, when my eyes turned
wrong and I needed eyeglasses, I was with my mother to search for some eyeglasses,
as I really needed them as I was not able to function without this device, and
when we came home, we said to father that we found some and how much it costs.
At my surprise, my father said,
that he will not pay such money for eyeglasses, and by paradox it was maybe
most cheapest one they had.
I felt betrayed, I felt very disappointed,
I was shocked by this answer, the trust he had this trust evaporated within me
and just shock, sorrow, and fear remained within me at the moment.
I could not understand how come he
said something like this, just sorrow within me resonate and the trust as a
trust died within me.
I see, that because of various
moments I experienced as a child, the trust I was able to place to others
slowly but surely simply died. No trust remained within me in others, no trust
in myself and for myself. Thus I became absolutely not trustworthy persona, as I
became to fear of being disappointment – Fear of being betrayed by others.
Thus I betrayed myself and thus I betrayed others. I
do not trust others anymore, and thus I start to hide, as I started to live the
fear of being betrayed. Thus I never wanted to trust anyone, I even was not
able to trust myself. How could I, if I was not able recognize the trust in me,
trust in myself, and trust others.
As a trust in me died, and trusts in others, the
trust in myself has been reborn.
Here.
I forgive to myself that I
have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that I can be betrayed
or disappointed.
I forgive to myself that I
have allowed and accepted to myself to fear of being betrayed and fear of being
disappointed.
I forgive to myself that I
have allowed and accepted to myself to feel sorrow, pain and regret as a energy
experience and think and believe that this energy experience is real experience
of myself, instead of realizing that this experience is of the mind and I am
not the mind.
I forgive to myself that I
have allowed and accepted to myself to betray myself and to disappoint myself.
I forgive to myself that I
have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that because I betrayed
myself thus I am unworthy to live and unworthy to live myself and my life, and
that I have to remain live in pain, regret and sorrow till the end of days.
I forgive to myself that I
have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to live myself as a fear of being
betrayed and thus diminish my living just for waiting on my death as a point be
being saved from my own accepted and allowed living in fear, pain and sorrow.
I forgive to myself that I
have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that betrayal and disappointment
exist, as a point of me separated from myself and thus through separation
allowed and accepted lies and betrayal.
I forgive to myself that I
have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to speak as a fear of being
betrayed and disappointed and thus rather remain silent.
I commit myself to trust myself.
I commit myself to trust myself.
Thanks, Juraj
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