May times I faced the point,
when the words of others has not been hold, when something has been said,
promised, but actions of others has been different.
Thus me, as a boy, I started to
speak the promises, to my parents, to my brothers and sister, to my friends, to
speak the words out of me, but aware I am not going to hold such words. As I saw
that others do not hold what has been spoken, I thought myself, that it is ok
to live that way, that others do not hold their words, thus I do not have to
hold my words either, that if others betrayed me, I can betrayed others.
I see here, how much deception
has been created, and the most, my self deception within my words, what I said,
how I said, to whom and with what intentions.
The very fear, that I will be
betrayed, the very fear of being betrayed, directed me to various situations in
my life, where I faced and realized that this persona betrayed me, It was just
confirmation for myself that I cannot trust human beings, that human beings are
not trust worthy, that words which are spoken are just empty, useless bullshits
spoken, and I felt lonely, hurt, I felt sorrow in me because of such spoken
word which has not been hold.
And thus, by paradox, I became
the same, I copied this behavior, I copied this believe, that I do not need to
hold my words, and thus question is – Who the fuck I became?
I became not trustworthy
persona, as I do not trusted anymore to anyone, I even stop trust in myself as I
lost myself in the mess of lies, deception, self deception, as EGO separated
entity, living just on my own, going and searching where I could get energy for
myself, as I was not able to see into me and see my fears, anxieties and anger,
as horror which I lived as a horror I accepted and allowed to wards myself.
How could I trust to myself, if I
was even not able to see what directs me? How could I trust inn me, if I was
not able to see through the layers of lies within me and in others? How could I
trust in me, when everything I knew, everything I became, was simply the lie?
How could I live me, love me, like me, if I was not able to see what I live,
who I am within this all, what are my needs, wants, desires, why this I allowed,
how I created myself, what are the masks I used in front of others, why I hide,
why I lived in polarity of the mind and many, many more?
Where I lost the trust in me,
how I lost the trust in me? It was when I started to stand as Ego, as a separate
entity - within and as my mind, where this I, as energy became all of me. Where
the thoughts started to flow in me, where I started to believe the thoughts,
where I started to believe in illusion of me, as accepted and allowed thoughts,
and therefore the energy created as a perception and believe that such
experiencing is living me. It was not so. It is not so. It is deception, it is
the utmost self deception ever, I lived in self deception, I lived lies of me, I
lived the hoax of me, I live illusion of me, I placed my trust into illusion
and disregarded myself as life, disregarded what is real, that what is here, as
I turned to a god, god in my head as a voice in me I allowed and accepted to
live – full of fear and horror.
Time to stop.
I forgive to
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to place my trust into a
voice within and as me, voice in my head, as a voice of the mind, not seeing
and realizing that this voice and this words in my head are of the mind and
thus not real word of me as who I am here as life, as breath but words of the
mind as a illusion as a program I allowed and accepted to myself to live
accordingly and therefore follow and became the illusion of this voice as a
reflection of my past, as a reflection of my past allowances and acceptances
and thus diminishing my self value as life, disregarding what is real as what
is here in very moment and thus accepting and allowing to live in self
deception and lies of me as who I am, as defined separated EGO within and as my
mind, where I placed the trust into a mind as a thoughts and thus energy
experiences as polarity where I split myself into two parts as good/bad,
positive/negative, like/do not like, true/not true, instead of seeing and realizing
that only what is real is here, as life as breath of life of all beings, as
that what matters as physical.
I forgive to
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear that I will be
betrayed in the future as a projection to the future in my mind that because I was
betrayed in the past thus I have to be in future as well, not seeing and realizing
that this is just repeating the living of the mind as a fear as a separation as
a delusion of myself as my self definition as definition of trust, and
therefore from perceived trust derived perception and experience of betrayal as
a sorrow, pain, and feeling of being hurt, instead of seeing and realizing that
only what can be trusted is here as only what is here is real, instead of
seeing and realizing that mind can’t be trusted in anyway whatsoever as mind is
deception of myself where mind always manipulate myself to do not see me, to
see others and that what is here.
I forgive to
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not see myself as a
point of separation myself from myself as a point of separation myself from
what is here but allowing and accepting to live in self delusion as self
defined entity as EGO separated from all and everything, where ideas, believes,
thoughts and energy experiences became my living and through this allowing and
accepting to lost myself, to lost trust in myself, to lost me and to lost trust
in others.
I forgive to
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to lost my trust in myself
through allowing and accepting living as a mind, living as a EGO, living as a
energy addict where I allowed and accepted to be directed by the thoughts and
energies I perceived within and as me positive and do not wanting to see into
me what I suppressed within me as fears, anger and anxieties.
I forgive to
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear of being betrayed as
a point of myself separated from myself and thus fear that I will betray
myself.
I forgive to
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that I can
speak the words with being aware that I will not hold such words, and thus
creating from me self deluded entity as EGO, where I allowed and accepted to speak
empty words to myself, to others, and thus just live according lies and in
separation from words I speak.
I forgive to
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to thin and believe that if I
saw others to lie, to deceive, that I can also deceive and lie and thus live in
self deception of myself.
I forgive to
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to place trust into a empty
words of others, not seeing and realizing that all beings are living the mind
and thus can’t be trusted, as everything of the mind can’t be trusted in anyway
whatsoever.
I forgive to
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to place my trust into a lies
of the mind as words in my head and energies within me, instead of trusting myself
here, instead of trusting my breath, instead of trusting the physical.
I forgive to
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to limit myself and my self
expression with placing my trust into a mind instead of trusting my breath here
and thus express myself as living being here, as life, equal and one with
myself , as the flesh as my body.
I forgive to
myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to limit my living and my
seeing by placing my trust into a mind, as that what I know as information and knowledge
of this world, instead of seeing and realizing that everything of this world is
of the mind and therefore can’t be trusted.
Thanks,
Juraj
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